May 1, 11:45 AM, Post 1 of 2.

This is a poem I wrote May 15, 1991 through May 18, 1991.

May 1, 11:45 AM

The phone rang

Your voice is on the other end

It's always so good when you call

The sound of my Papa Daddy

Always warms me

reassures me

That I am loved

.

But wait!

Oh My God

Did he really

say it

No, It could not be

Zane I no longer

love you the

way you love me.

.

My God, My Love

is gone

I'm dead

My life just

leaked out my big toe

Right on to the floor of my office.

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

You said

I have felt this way

for two years

and

didn't want

to hurt you

You are so good

I love you in

So many ways

But not the way

you want

.

My God, My God

My love is gone

I'm wounded

Torn to shreds

My life's a shambles

I wish I were dead

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

I am here for you

please believe me

I'll help you

through this

LIAR!

How can I

Believe what you say,

You've lied for two

years

So you Say,

There's no one else?

Another Lie?

You said we'd be

together the

rest of our lives. A lie

I believed that

I planned for that

I loved loving you

til we're old and gray

My future is

Gone

My Security is

Shattered

you turned our love into a LIE

Why Vick - My love

For God's sake

whY

did you kill my

very loving soul

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

These have

been

my greatest fears

that one day

this would happen

We've had friends

that this has

Happened to

and you & I

reassured it could

never happen to us

Ten long

wonderful

joy filled, years

days with some ups

and downs - But

God how I love you

the spark in your eye

when you come through

the door

But now I'm thrown away - again

on

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

I come home

I'm alone

I scream

I cry

I feel so

alone

I hit myself

you come home

to offer me one

hour

of consolation

and as always you leave on cue

The next few

days are hell

You lie again

Say that we'll

try to reshape the

relationship

LIAR!

Why don't

you kill me

I died anyway

May 1, 11:45 AM 1991

.

It.s May 16 12:25 AM

I hope I find

the courage

to snuff out the

fragments of my

miserable life

I sought help

Bet even with

Solace

I know I

can't live in

this world as

a shell

A shattered

broken

piece of what was the epitome

of Happiness

Crushed

Lied to

But Hopefully

Ill find death

to help me end

the pain

the worthless mess of

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

May 16 5 PM

I had a session

with a

psychologist today

He drew out

my feelings

I'm so Afraid.

I need help

I'm getting help

I am going into

the hospital

tomorrow

Vic's home

tonight

We can talk

I know I'm worthy

I was once

and

I will

survive

May1, 11:45 AM

.

May 16, 7:19

Vic's Home!

God how great

It was to see him

get off the plane

There was

a sparkle

As if he was

glad to see me

We get home

and I get a hug

How I have

hungered for that

My spirits fare

so UP!

We talked

We went out

We went to bed

and he held me

I went to sleep

The Dragon is

gone for the moment

but it will return

as sure as

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

5/17 7:30 AM

I feel Vic

slip out of bed

I doze

It's 8:30

I get up

Home is back to normal

as normal

as it can be

My coffee is made

I feel the Dragon

slipping back

Vic goes to the Dr.

The Dragon rushes in

But I don't let

him in

Completely

I go shop for

Soad, Brush, Shorts.

I'm home

I pack

We leave

The Dragon's back

And I realize

May1, 11:45 AM

.

Well we're at

Westwood Communit Psychiatric Center

I'm a wreck

inside

I could easily

go to pieces

the place is

pleasant

I sign

a thousand

pieces paper.

The room are semi private

A chest for each

The Dragon is back

I'm taken to my room

It's strange

3 to a room

1 drawer

The Dragon is

in full control

This thing

This damned thing

that was born

May1, 11/45 AM

.

Where is my

Knight

to help me

Slay the Dragon

I must

I will

Or will I

slay myself

Will the

Dragon win

God I'm

confused

I have got

to get

CONTROL

Enter Elliot

He unpacks me

Checks out my

things

takes my dryer

and razor

I'm agravated

and this casts the

Dragon out.

But there is still

May1, 11:45 AM

.

I lay down

I cry

I feel LOW

Oh poor me,

Pity Pity Pity

Get with

the program

Zane

Igo out

Elliott introduces

me to Elaine

I go get a soda

Dinner is a

baked potatoe

By myself

my choice

I'm in Control

Nothings happening

I listen to

more music

Cry some more

I feel better

the Dragon is

in the corner with

May 1, 11:45 AM.

.

I go to the TV room

Meet Jill,

Tony, Elain,

Charles, and Tom

Im' scare

What will they

think when

I bare my soul

We start a gove of Truth or Dare

which turns

int a

discussion of sexual experiencs

I die, But I

don't leave

I have a

Warm fuzzy feeling

The game lasted

from 8 until

about 11:30 Am

it took my

mind of

May 1, 11:45

.

May 18

The night was

fitfull - cold

Did not sleep well

Even a

HALCION

I'm up at 6 AM

I'm pretty good

The dragon is

in the corner,

lurking, but

not in - yet

Breakfast OK

Vitals

Dr. Sadja - good session

Weekend planning

Group

My turn

I fall apart

I sob

Compassion rescues

me

My fears of

Homophobic reactions

were wrong

I pour my soul out

about

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

Now that it's

out

I'm releived

I've talked about

it to strangers

I'm glad is her

The dragon is

slipping in and out

Time for bio

They be out

for Dr. Salzman

What an asshole

The thinks my

depression from

my Corgard

He accentuates my

weight problem

He doubts my

medical histor

Fucking Jerk

As if I don't have

enough problems

dealing with

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

Saltzman wants me

to talk to the

dietician

Again a reference

to my weight

"Let me deal with

one problem at a time!!!"

I told him

I don't like your attitude

I complained to

the nurse

she said it's a

reaction many have

to him

Why Is He Here?!

Well enough of

this - he's off

my case

I'll be seeing Dr Birnbaum

Vic's here - the

Dradon's on the side

We visit and lunch

and tqalk about

May 1, 11:45 AM

.

I'm ok, I still

don't like wha

has happend

Vic wants to help

me through this

He reassures me

that he is not

abandoning me

I don't know that

I'm fearful

I still feel

Thrown away

I just need to

convice myself

that I'm worthy

The bad thought are still with me

But today I've come

a long way

I'm looking forward

to the next week

I know that the

Dragonslayer is out

there and one day

I'll completely deal with

May 1, 11:45 AM

and survive.

.

And that my friends is the first few days of my stay in a mental hospital. 5-1/2 months more of hospitalization and partial hostpitalization I got out and moved up to Running Springs to the cabin (2100 sq ft) that Vic and I built. I lived there for three years.

My drinking got much worse, but the journey I started on May 1 11:45 AM started me on a path that led to me becoming sober on January 20, 1992. I am eternally grateful for that. More later.

Rambling,resentments, Mamie, and reunion.

The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might your completeness.Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 123

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it any way. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding, and love." Freedom from Bondage" page 552, Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous"

.

So, today I pray for Micky, David, Anonymous or what ever name du jour he is using to have good health, happiness, prosperity, serenity, and spirituality.

.

I wrote a very hateful piece on Wednesday night and posted it, after thinking about overnight I blotted it out yesterday and decided to take another avenue of action.Now I know the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is the first 164 pages of the Big Book, but there are certainly some excellent suggestions in the stories. I have actually practiced this prayer in other times in life when I have had a huge resentment and I am here to tell you it has always worked for me. That has been my experience and that is all I can share.

MAMIE! One year and one day ago, on April 30, 2008 I adopted my little schnauzer Mamie. A lot of you will remember that as well as my having to put down me beloved Dolly on April 28. An April 28 of this year I cried which surprised me as I do not cry very easily, I can get choked up occasionally, but to actually cry is very unusual. I know it is because of my meds but I would rather not cry than to be where I am without the meds. I digress. Mamie's personality if a 180 from Dolly's. And I cherish each and every day with her. She is so robust and energetic. She is a natural hunter. A new obsession of hers are those damned HUGE tree roaches that come inside occasionally. Last night she had one about two inches long trapped under the credenza and just did her best to get to it. Thankfully she does not eat them, she just flips them on their backs and then sits and watches them "Like you dirty little bastard, you move and you're history." She loves to play ball, fetch the purple squirrel, tug o'war, and to be petted. In the afternoon or evening when I am watching TV she just crawls up on me in my recliner and lays there stretched out with head of my shoulder and every now and then gives me a Mamie kiss on my nose. I love it.

.

God was good to me when he brought us together and I am grateful for that everyday of my life as you all have witnessed in my gratitude list when I do post.

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Now to my high school 50th reunion. I picked Sueanna up at IAH on Monday, we drove around and had dinner at the Adobe Cafe at the Marq'e. A very enjoyable day. Wednesday we got together and drove around Houston so she could see all the growth and changes in the last 30 years. Then Friday night I picked her up and we went to the Potato Patch over on FM1960 near Hardy Toll Road. This was an informal dinner with people from my class of 1959 and also from 1958. There was about 50 of us all toll including some wives and husbands. This was sort of enjoyable but not what I had hoped for, but overall I did enjoy it. It started at 5:30 PM and ended about 8 or so. I took Sueanna back to her hotel and went home. I got to the reunion at the Greenspoint Marriot about 4Pm Saturday. Sueanna was already there as that is her hotel. I checked in, got a name tag with a wallet size picture of me so people would recognize me. One thing I did notice, I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT PORKED UP. I would say that 80% of the group were much heavier than in 1959.Got to visit with the same group as on Fri nite, Madeline and her Mr., Frances and her Mr., Dora (my sweetheart ball date) and her Mr., and Melba and Lynette, both widowed. We had a nice group at the table and enjoyed it. Of course I went around the room looking for familiar faces hidden behind the wrinkles, bald head, gray to white hair, and I was surprised how I could pick out some of my old classmates. The B football guys were there - still jerks. I did get to do a quick visit with several people, especially at the picture board. I was pleasantly surprised that there were quite a number of pictures that I was in. Naturally this pleased me. (what ego)

Then we had din din and the speeches began, (snore) and then the memorial snapshots of those that are no longer with us. That was quite touching. More mingling and a couple leaving said goodbye, wished they had gotten over to the table sooner, and they left. That was Evalynn and Gene. Figured well maybe the next 50 years. So the night wrapped up, said goodbyes to my friends at the table, and off I went. Did I enjoy the evening. Yep. Would I do it next time - Jury is still out on that. However, on Monday I got an email from Evalynn that she was so sorry we did not get to really talk, so when she got home she googled me and found my blog. Read a good bit of it, and wanted to let me know she thought that I had overcome so many of life's problems that she was really impressed. A smaller party for us 59ers is in the works for sometime in the next 25 (?) so we can really visit then. This was a very positive thing. So I probably will get together with them at some time or other. Madeline wants to do a small party at her Rosenberg house. So who knows. Oh our class motto - "What we are soon to be - We are now becoming."

.

Tonight I am Grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer (one year one day)
• My Sponsor (Has another surgery on May 5)
• My Right eye
• Being Sighted
• Improved sight in left eye
• Another laser surgery for May 5.
• My HS 50 reunion
• Life's in Session
• Memories and sharing them
• friends through out my life
• daily things we all take for granted
• All y'all

Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.

DFDU Strikes Again

Post deleted by author, too much!

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Reunion Approaches

April 20 - You cannot lie to yourself. Your mind knows the truth of yoour thoughts. Meditations from "Conversations with God Book 1" page 11
.

Hi alkie, hope your last few days have been great. Saturday was a helluva lot wet here in Houston. I mean wet. DId I say wet? Sat night was Hoedown at Lambda following the speaker meeting. An old friend has returned from a couple of years of more exploring out there. He is young and I hope and pray that he gets it this time. The speaker Saturday night talked about how he had been a chronic slipper and finally fot it and how grateful he was for the arms of Lambda to always be open. This could not have been planned better.

.

The Hoedown started at 9:30 and I got to dance a whole dance this year before I started losing my breath. Minus those 30 lbs. has made a diffence I think.I'd like to be down 60 pounds more next year but 30 is fine. It's all fine as long as it is down.

I left about 11:30 and was home by midnight. I could not help but compare that to my drinking days when I was never home before 2 AM when out, which was usually 31. (31 is the new 24/7) the change is SWEET!

.

Yesterday afternoon the phone rang and it was my ole classmate from 1959, Sueanna. I had told her I would pick her up when she came in, so that was done at 2 PM this afternoon. We spent the afternoon together, drove around and then had dinner at the Cafe Adobe at the Marq E. She had mentioned she really missed Tex Mex so I suggested we go. It was well worth it. Then I took her back to her hotel and we will probably get together again this week. Then Friday night is the start of the 50th High School Reunion. Hot damned, the last time I saw a lot of these people, they were 17 or 18. This is going to be interesting. We are having an informal dinner at the Potato Patch on 1960 Friday night and then the BIG day is Saturday with a reception starting at 2PM and dinner at 5:30. Hell, that's my usual lunch hour. My mind is going 90 to nothing and I have all these scenarios going on on KFUK. But I've done a good job of keeping that in check and am just going to let it play out. I feel a bit of pride that I can do this. Being sober sure does change us and the way we handle life in session. Man, Sobriety Rocks.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD loving schnauzer
• My Sponso
• My Right Eye
• Being sighted
• Memory lane with an old friend.
• Living through a Monday without a movie.
• Being up today before the crack of Noon.
• A beautiful day.
• Humor and laughter. (laughter is good for the soul so my soul has to be doing pretty damned good.)

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Mamie, the fearless hunter.

April 16 - God is in the sadness and in laughter. In the bitter and the sweet. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 60

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Hi my alkie friends. How the hell are ya. Things are pretty good in this neck of the woods. My left eye is improving. Things are blurry but the focus problem is gone. The distortion is gone. I am so grateful for the improvement I just want to shout from the streets, the rooftops, and the top of the world. Actually, I am on the top of the world. As long as I am sober, I will remain on top of the world. Sobriety ROCKS.

.

Now to the story on the fearless hunter - Mamie. Mamie is my 14.5 lb. miniature schnauzer. She is quite the little hunter as are all schnauzers. It is part of their breeding. She goes nuts with squirrels, birds, or whatever when it is outside and when I let her out, she just turns into a silver streak. She's fun to watch. I call her my OCD Schnauzer because of this. She is on 24/7. This past Monday night I was watching TV and she was in my lap and then her head popped straight up and out of the lap she went across the living room to the fireplace. Her head was just a bobbing and her stance was as if she were stalking something. Then she tried to get in the fireplace but the screen blocked her. So I got the flashlight and beamed it into the fireplace and there it was, a blackbird. It was about that time that the bird flew above the screen and started flying crazily through the LR. I have a cathedral ceiling and the poor thing was just bouncing around on the beams and into the wall. And within inches was Mamie just chasing it around the LR into the Dining Room and I ran to the back door and opened it. I thought the bird had flown out because Mamie went out and a quick run and back in. So I sat down to watch the news and listen to her rummaging around the room as if the bird were still in the room. A couple of minutes later she was at my feet, pawing me and growling. I looked down and I'll be damned if she wasn't sitting there with the blackbird in her mouth "Look Daddy, DINNER". The look on her face was priceless. Such pride, such accomplishment. As I got up and yelled she dropped the bird and I picked up a plastic paper sleeve from the paper basket next to my chair and put the bird in it and threw it out the back door. She was fine with that and did not try to go out there. Later I let her out for her last "business" and she did not go near where the bird should have landed. The next morning the bird was gone. Probably was eaten by a raccoon or a possum or a cat or - maybe it just passed out from fright and flew off later in the night. I would like to think the latter, but I will never know. Oh, by the way, I closed the flute or whatever in the fireplace and now the heat or air will now just be in the house. I wonder how much heat escaped this year.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD Schnauzer
• My Sponsor, went home yesterday.
• My right eye
• Being sighted
• Having what I need
• My lost insurance check being reissued
• The simple things in life.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Better today.

April 15 - True Masters are those who have chosen to make a life, rather than a living. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 60

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Slept like a log last night. I'm sure that the anticipation of the injections, the 3 hours sleep the night before all contributed to the fact that I slept from 12:30 AM until 1:30 PM today without interruption. My eye felt 100% percent better than when I went to bed. My sight in the left eye is blurry, but I do not see the distortions that I did before. Time will tell. Also gone is the problem with focus. It is supposed to be better each day. And as a good alcoholic I also know it will be in God's time, not mine.

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I got some things done today that I have needed to do for weeks. I got two tubs of wash done. I sorted out my "to be washed stack" (its huge), and sorted from that the things to go to the cleaners.(30 pieces) OH MY, what I did accomplish.

.

Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD schnauzer.
• My Sponsor
• My Right Eye
• Being sighted
• All the well wishes from my BLOGGIES.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

It's Over for Now

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray to God my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I Pray the Lord my soul to take.
.
Those are two of the prayers I said today. The experience was not unpleasant, but the awakening of the eye a few hours later is a bit uncomfortable, but not more than I can handle. I just want you all
to know that the encouragement, the experience of you that have had similar experiences, helped me to go forward with this. I slept most of the afternoon and am heading to bed as soon as I finish this post.
.
It's okay. It's over. And I'm very much sober. Just won't get much
better than that.
.
Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My right eye
• Being sighted
• Daave
• All y'all.

Now y'all be pretty now, ya heah.