Tuesday Night, April 29, 2008

Are you not being allowed to experience everything? The tears, the joy, the pain, the gladness, the exaltation, the massive depression, the win, the lose, the draw? What more is there? April 29, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page158.

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Wow! Can you believe the meditation for today? Man that is just right on for this time in my life. Another God Shot.

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Today has not been so bad. I went to the 12:15 meeting arriving 15 minutes late. I did something I usually do not do if I am late, but I did share. The topic was forgiveness and I had a special forgiveness to do. Yesterday I was very angry with God, I told him how dare he do this to Dolly, to me. How dare he, did he not know how this would hurt? Blah, blah, blah. And I did this in my prayer before bedtime. Of course it came to me that this was insanity. That God did not DO anything to me and I had to express forgiveness and ask forgiveness for myself. And I was able to forgive myself for my outburst. AND, as I should know, I go a lot of love from the group. However, my share was not for the attention, but to let out was happening and how I relied on the principles of AA and how I try to live them in all my affair. Of course, the love and support was incredible. Almost as incredible as the comments on my blog this morning. I also got an email of condolence from a good friend of mine that read the blog. His closing remark was "courage Camille." I love it. It was love with humor. Humor exists in everything, we just have to be accepting of it. I mean, really, the last thing Dolly did in her life was pee all over me. Now in the scope of it all, that was funny. Or was she saying Piss on You Asshole, How dare you put me down. I do not think so.

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Today was shrink day. I really unloaded a lot, most of it about Dolly and some of the things I have been holding on to. A very good and healing session.

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Tonight I have been on the internet at Petfinders.com and looking at rescue schnauzers. I got Dolly through a rescue group and I will get my next schnauzer from one of them. I paid $125 for Dolly in 1998. The going rate today is 2-300. It is well worth it. I found two little female doggies for which I have filled out an application. I'm in no rush, I just want to fill my house and my life with that unconditional love again. Peppy, Shatzi, and Dolly all gave me that and I want MORE of it.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

The blessing to have Dolly's love for 10 wonderful years.

My loving sponsor.

The love from you, fellow bloggers.

AA

Forgiveness.

Acceptance.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday Night, April 28, 2008

Every heart has it's secret sorrows; that the world knows not;
And often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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DOLLY., April 4, 1993 - April 28, 2008
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To say I am sad just does not begin to touch the way I have felt all day. At 2 am this morning my Dolly had the first of three seizures. The second one came about 5 AM and the third came as we were leaving the vet at about 10 AM. I took her back in and at that time made one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make. I chose to have her life come to an end. This was after a long talk with the vet and associates. They could not have been more loving and caring. They let me hold her for awhile before the last shot she was to receive. I just lost it. I cried and cried and tried to stifle it but it was just a high pitched moan escaping from my throat, so I just bawled and it was not so eerie sounding. Dolly peed on me about that time, and she was just limp. This was before the final shot. Then the vet administered the shot and Dolly was gone in about the flash of a light. I ache for her. She is out of her pain and I am in mine for this great loss. But even though I feel the loss and the incredible emptiness of my house this day, I am thankful that she did not have a long period of chronic pain/disease and that it was all over with in 8 hours from beginning to end.

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I got Dolly on October 16, 1998, the day after I had put down my Shatzi (schnauzer) that I had for 14 years. I got Dolly through a Schnauzer Rescue Group in Los Angeles. I can still see her running out from the kennels and jumping into my arms the first day I saw her. We bonded immediately. I could not have asked for a more loving little girl than was Dolly. We were seldom apart. For that I am thankful. She loved to travel and was a very good traveler. We made trips to San Francisco, Tucson, Seattle, two to Houston from LA, and to Central Maine in 2005. We ran on the beach at the outer banks of North Carolina. We ran on the beach in Los Angeles and Malibu. She traveled with me on a daily basis and from the day I got her until moving to Houston she rode with me to AA meetings. Some she went into, on invitation, and others she just sat in the car. We were always there for each other. She loved riding over to Silsbee to my sister Rosalies. Rosalie has a little jack russell named Bessie. She and Dolly played and ran just like a couple of cousins and then would lay down together and nap. I have never had a pet I was so close to as I was with her. That of course is largely due to the fact that I have been medically retired since March 26 2002. And I am so glad we had that luxury. I have a lot of memories, too many to post, but some of those memories might come forth in future posts.

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Tonight I am Grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety,

Dolly and the memories of a most loving pet.

My Sponsor who was so loving today.

Daave and Scott who reached out to me today.

Not being ashamed to CRY.

Joe and Karl for being there when I lost Dolly and had me come over even with what they are going through.

The loving caring friends.

Rosalie, my sister, who cried when I called her about Dolly.

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Dolly, you be pretty for Daddy, now, ya heah.