Friday, September 25, 2009

Just another Day

September 24 - I truly want what you truly want--nothing different and nothing more. Don't you see that is my greatest gift to you? Page 166
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September 25 - Se the Divine in a baby who needs changing at 3 A.M....in a bill that needs paying by the first of the month. Recognize the hand of God in the illness that takes a spouse, the job that's lost, the child's fever, the parent's pain. Now we are talking saintliness. Page 115
Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1"
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Hi y'all. Well here I am for today. Wow, 2 days this week. Since my upgrade to Internet Explorer 8, my computer has just been so damned sluggish and the blogs were so cumbersome to navigate and then, God working in my life, U-verse arrived in my neighborhood. What a difference. My speed is so much better, the blog is still a bit cumbersome but doable. It's probably just "Operator Problem." Now I can get back to dropping by to more of you.
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As I've said before, I may not post everyday and I know that just drives some of you nuts and I've lost a couple more of my posse but I still visit them. But mostly, I have a small group of faithful posse out there and I thank all of you for being there. Your comments are all appreciated and are filled with love, understanding, and encouraging.
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Here is a little story of "God's taken Charge". I signed up for Uverse last Friday and it was scheduled for Thursday 9/25. t. So I checked my printout of the complete transaction and sure enough, the very helpful and knowledgeable Service Rep in the Philippines kept saying Thursday September 25. I never checked the calendar. So here I set up my schedule to be available for the installation between 1 - 3, rescheduled a dr. apt. and then went online at noon to verify if they were going to be on time . Page not found. So I followed the directions to get information and continually got invalid information. So I called and talked with a rep in the Philippines and she finally transferred me to a Tier 2 Rep (U.S. Based) as she could not get any info either. The local (U.S) rep finally got the info and confirmed my scheduled time to be Friday 9/25, 1-3 PM. I told her no It was Thursday the 25th. She confirmed Friday. I told her this really upset me because of the Thursday 9/25 from the rep on date of order and that I'd rescheduled DR apt. Now mind you, I remained calm and cool, the voice did not get shrill, etc. She then apologized again and I said well ATT could at least give me a bag of POPCORN for my inconvenience. She then said, One moment and I will connect you to Sales Relations. When the Sales Relations lady came on she laughing told me ATT did not keep POPCORN in stock and was very apologetic. She also told me she had listened to the original transaction script and that she had given me a six month credit of $20 per month starting in October. I told her that was overkill and I appreciated the gesture but I could not accept that in good conscience. She told me she could not undo it and to just accept it. I wonder if she knew page 449. HA. Anyway I got through that with the help of God, not losing my temper, and I consider the whole incident a spiritual experience. DAMNED - Sobriety just gets better.
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Tonight I have gratitude for:
  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • Daily dose of spirituality
  • My mental state improvement
  • My eye improvement
  • Being sighted
  • Physical therapy to improve mobility - next Monday for 4 weeks.
  • That the next indicated thing puts itself in front of me when I am ready for it. (That's God working in my life)
  • All Y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Blong Of Gratitude for Personal Growth

You create, collectively and individually, the life and times you are experiencing, for the soul purpose of evolving. September 22 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 37
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Hey y'all. How the hell are ya? This ole drunk is doing real good these days. I have my probs but I am dealing with them.
I have now been in Houston for 5 years and change. What a Journey it has been. This post is 75% positive and is about personal growth. I am a firm believer that God does not give us too much to handle.
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Since October of 2001 I have been on a regimen of psycho drugs that grew and grew until I did not have any feelings. It was very difficult to show any emotion. When I arrived back in Houston I was taking three different meds. I did not like it but I also knew that they were keeping me alive. Depression, anxiety and panic attacks were the Song of The Day. I missed my previous mental health team from LA tremendously. Brian was my therapist and Lee was my psychiatrist. Those two men helped me get back from the depths of hell and severe depression to being a focusing and contributor to the human race. They also helped me to the point of finding sobriety. I have a very special love for the two of them. When I got here it was so hard to start over with new therapists and shrinks. I fired two, we just did not click. Then I found Dr. Ed. He has really helped me back again. I've been with Dr. Ed now for three years and the change in myself from the inside out is incredible. Over the past year with his help and guidance I have come down from 80 mg of Prozac to 20 mg. And I am only on one other med now and it is 10 mg instead of 30. Yes, I feel more, I am more aware, and I still have depression, but not like it was since 2001. And through all of this I have maintained my sobriety because I knew that without it would be instant death. Now I am not afraid of dying, sometimes I just wish it was over, but I would not take action on that. I can now cry at movies; I have emotions that bubble to the top and I don't feel like I am on overload. I have so much gratitude for this. And all I had to do was take action, do the next indicated thing and just trudge on down that long and narrow road. The road was not lonely and I was not alone. I had my God as I understand Him. I have Alcoholics Anonymous and an incredible support group. It just does not get much better than that.
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Yesterday I picked up a new set of eye glasses. I can now see clearly out of both eyes. I still have some probs with the left one but the prognosis is for it to just continue to get better. Dr. Judy (not Judge Judy) has brought me through a rough 20 months. My last appointment on Sept 2 she told me to go ahead and get my new glasses and now I have them and they do not appear like coke bottles. I am so happy with this. Again, my God as I understand Him, Alcoholics Anonymous, and my incredible support group have been on this trudge with me. And it just does not get much better than that.
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I am so blessed.
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I'm going over to be with Rosalie this next week. Last month they found a spot on her lungs and when they did an MRI the spot was not appearing so her Doc. told her it must just be the scar tissue from her COPD. She called me last week and said that the Spot had come back and she was having breathing probs and they did another MRI and found she has lung cancer. Now how they can tell from the shape of a tumor on an MRI that it was cancerous is beyond me but I was sort of shocked. Lung cancer is what took my Mother May 29, 1986. It's sort of same story, different star. Next Tuesday, Rosalie has a biopsy to see what kind of cancer it is and what stage it is in. The Difference this time is with Rosalie I am sober and can be there for her at all times as needed. Again, one more time, I am grateful for that and for the God of my understanding trudging through this with me. And the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my incredible support group.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my OCD schnauzer
  • My sponsor who is recovering remarkably from his knee surgery.
  • My incredible support group - friends, family, and my bitchin bloggers.
  • The resentment prayer for the woman that told me I was BIG is gone. The prayer worked one more time.
  • Learning to make lemonade
  • All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Just a little funny.

All people are special, and all moments are golden. There is no person, and there is no time one more special than another.
September 6 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 6
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Shortest Fairy Tale.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
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The girl said, "NO!"
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And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
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The end.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Restraint of tongue: Freedom From Bondage. I

Every Heart has its secret sorrows
Which the world knows not,
Oftentimes we call a man cold
When he is only sad.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The above quote is one of my all time favorites. When someone is distant of bitchy this sometimes come to mind, but not as much as it should.
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Those of you who know me, know that I am very sensitive and I pay the price for letting those feelings overwhelm me. I am working on it, but sometimes I lose. But it is much better than it used to be.
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So that brings me to tonight's post. Last night I went to the Wednesday night Al-anon meeting at Lambda. This is an al-anon meeting with an outreach to the recovering alcoholic. I have several friends that attend this meeting. Last night after collecting hugs, and a little bit of fellowship prior to the meeting I went into the big room and sat down. Just before the meeting started I felt a tap on my shoulder and this little bitty lesbian said, My you sure are a big man. I am moving over here so I can see, just keep your seat, but I need to move, you are so big. I felt like she was on a fucking megaphone and I was just flabbergasted and absolutely humiliated. Yes I am a BIG man. Now in the old days I would have told this ugly little dike that Yes I am big, I can also choose to be smaller, but you my dear are an ugly little dike and have no option" which would have been followed by a slap that would have made her ancestors roll in their graves and her whole living family to hurt. However, I just did not respond except to say I'm sorry you had to move. And then I just sat there and seethed. Now she did not say this in a low voice, but I'm sure it was not as loud as it seemed to me. I was also embarrassed and then thought how absolutely thoughtless the bitch was. Now why she could not just have moved and let it know. It wasn't like I was wearing a big hat or big hair (I'm bald) that could be removed or adjusted. Now this just played over and over and over and over. KFUK was just running with this like Glen Beck with untruths. I finally settled down but when the meeting was over I left and fumed all the way home.
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I prayed about it last night, and asked for the damned bitch to be blessed and I sure as hell did not mean it, but I will do it for 13 more days. I cannot afford to have this resentment take hold of me and eat me alive. (It would be stuffed) Now this prayer is from page 552 in the Big Book and is from the story Freedom from Bondage. If you have a resent you want to be free o, if you will pray for the person or the ting that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
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This has worked for me many times in the past and I am sure it will work again. The Big Book, the first 164 pages, and the stories have so much wisdom in them and I am proud to practice what I have read and what has become almost second nature to me over the years. Now this is a blessing and all I had to do was to quit drinking, find a new way of living and follow it. I just will not get any better than that. AA Rocks!
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Tonight I am Grateful for:
  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor who had his knee surgery and got a new knee on Tuesday and is doing well. He will probably go home on Saturday.
  • Restraint of tongue and hand.
  • Miracles
  • All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.