Friday, October 31, 2008

EYE WIDE OPEN

October 31 - A true leader is not the one with the most followers, but one who creates the most leaders. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page114
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Hey there my alkie friends. How the hell are you?
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Yesterday I had my laser surgery on my left eye. She was not able to complete it because of the blood in the vitreous gel. So she got about 700 hits and shut down. She put me on steroid drops that should clear this up. One more time my left pupil was so dilated only the center part was visible. Still quite dilated today. I should be back to normal by tomorrow. I have been so tired all week as I have not had a good nights rest since my fall on Monday. So I slept in today. And I feel much better now. Today I am not doing a thing. Just a total chill out. I did not even do my Friday 10 AM nor my 12:15 meetings. I was supposed to lead the 10 AM meeting but called last night and asked the host to cover for me and I will do it next week. I do not like to go back on my commitments, but sometimes I just have to take care of ME. If I don't take care of ME, I can't take care of my Sobriety and after all this time I sure as hell am not going to let up on that. My mantra is and has been " YOU DON'T DRINK,NO MATTER WHAT." It's worked for me, and I am not going to change now. I really like being sober, and that makes everything else fall into place. It just does not get any better than that.
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Tidbits:
  1. Got Gas 2.09 per gallon Tuesday at Costco.
  2. Mamie is so loving when I'm not quite right.

Today I am Grateful for:

  • God, My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my schnauzer and nurse.
  • My Sponsor
  • Dr. Feigon's steady hand
  • God's allowing man to find the modern medical miracles.
  • My friends.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Achy Braky Body

October 29 - All of your life you think you are your body. Some of the time you think you are your mind. It is at the time of your death that you find out Who You Really Are. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 81
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Hey there my alkie friends. I really identified with this quote. However, I've always felt like I was looking out at the world and not really connected to this thing that's called a body. Then I always felt like the little boy looking out at all the big adults in life or the men in life. I always felt like a little boy looking out. Then I got sober. As I have grown in my sobriety that little boy has grown up to a full grown man and now I am that man looking out of this body at other men, women, or children. I have finally taken on the roll of a responsible sober adult. I have taken the responsibility that I am not a victim, I am just another human being living life one day at a time. Another human being that bad stuff has happened to; another human being that a lot of good stuff has also graced my life. It's just living life, sober, on life's terms. I may not always like what the day brings me, but, soon, tomorrow will become today and I just may like it. Or NOT. But there are more likable days than the other. And that just makes it worth hanging around to see what the next miracle will be. It just does not get much better than facing it all sober.
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Today was a great day. I'm still sore as hell, but in time I will be ok. I went to my appt with the endocrinologist at 10:30 and waited and waited. Then they told me he was not in the office on the last Wednesday of the month. Additionally, he injured his leg running and was doing his rounds at the hospital in a wheel chair. The nurse that was supposed to see me was wheeling him around. They checked my BP and it was way up. I told the PA about the fall and she discounted it as to why my BP was up. So she upped the new med to 300 MG per day from 150. Hopefully this will bring it down. If that happens maybe with the BP and the Blood sugar under control, the damage to my left eye will level off. In God's time, not mine. Patience is a virtue I am working on.
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Tomorrow is the Laser Surgery day at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Pray for the retinologist to have a steady hand. I SURE AM.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
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God, my Higher Power
My Sobriety
Mamie, my schnauzer
My Sponsor.
Growth
Today.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It all feeds into the NOW.

October 28 - What you open your eyes and look at disappears. That is, it ceases to hold its illusory form. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 102
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What a weekend, it could not have been better. Saturday my sponsor celebrated his 70th natal birthday with a party. Then on to Lambda Center for the October Birthday Night. Lots of recovery and gratitude. It was great to share all of that on a Saturday night. Sunday was just a day around the house. Little did I know I really needed it to get through Monday.
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Monday is $5 day at the Cinemas Market Street in the Woodlands. I went to see "The Secret Life of Bees" and damned near broke my neck. I got my refreshments and into the theatre I went. I started up the stairs and felt rather frisky so I took one step after the other rather than going up one at a time with both feet. I was two rows down from where I wanted to sit when I stepped up with my left foot and it slipped. I over corrected to get by balance as I did not want to fall face first into the steps. I didn't. I totally lost my balance and the popcorn went one way, my coke went the other way and I went over backwards which I just knew I was going to split my head open or break my neck by the time I got to the bottom. Well, lucky for me I went backward and to the right and fell into the seat I had just climbed past, bounced to the back of row of seats in front of that and then a total body slam to the concrete floor and then my head went WHAM on the floor. This was just as the trailers started. Of course all 20 or so of the other attendees were on their feet to check on me. Then the General Manager came in. They got me into a seat and asked how I felt. Well, I was totally embarrassed and also glad to be able to see hear and talk. I was able to answer questions and all that stuff. They wanted to call the paramedics and I said NO, just let me set for awhile, watch the movie, and then see. I just did not want to move. So they brought me a new bag of popcorn and a diet coke. The movie was very good. I will have to see it again tho' as I missed some of it just with the state of mind and body I was in. After the movie I sat down and filled out an accident report. Man I hurt everywhere - and I mean everywhere. After I did that I went to get up and the room started to spin, so I sat back down rather quickly. They called the paramedics and I wound up in the emergency room at The Woodlands Hospital, a Memorial Hermann Hospital. This was at 6:15. They had me in and being checked out by 7. I thought that was pretty damned quick. Three x-rays and poking and prodding later, my diagnosis was a Head Injury and Body contusions. I was released at 11 PM, took a cab the one mile to the movie to get my truck, $15.00 min tab, and the cabbie acted like he expected a tip. I told him I usually tipped, but the $15.00 rate covered it. He was an independent cabbie, so it was his money. I was home and in bed by 12:00. Slept through until 12:17 PM this afternoon. More sore than last night.
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Now the soreness will continue for a few more days and will probably get worse tomorrow or Thursday. Then I have to have a followup with my Neurologist and an orthopedic Dr. Well I see my internist at 10 tomorrow so that will do for now. He will check me and tell what I should do next.
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It is amazing how God protects me. I have had several falls in the last few years, some were little strokes, some were just falling. It's not good for us old people to fall. So far, I have been very lucky. Thanks to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I can participate in the happenings of life. I can be present for all things. I may not like them, but I get through them. It's just life on life's terms. Funny how I have used that phrase quite a bit in the last 7 days. That's just the way it goes. Living SOBER on life's terms. It just does not get any better than that.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
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God, my Higher Power
My Sobriety
Mamie, my schnauzer.
My Sponsor (Bless his 70 year old heart)
That this old bod can still absorb a lot of energy.
That I just plug along one step right after the other.
A well made cane.
Recognizing misguided anger and taking the action to correct it.
Laser Surgery on Thursday
A retinologist with a steady hand
Gratitude for gratitude.
Y'all.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Down A Size

The point of life is not to get anywhere--is to notice that you are, and have always been, already there. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 104
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How the hell are my fellow alkies? I got in two meetings. Two very good meetings. I voted. Mamie was groomed today. I had a hemorrhage in my left eye - to me that says I have blood circulation. But, I don't know that. The bleed out has just about faded at this hour. Just another day of living life on life's terms. Some days you win, some days you lose, and some days its a draw or so they say. But to me, if I make to the next day, then the day before was a win. Especially if I have made it through another day of sobriety.
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Hip, Hip, hooray. I have now lost 23 pounds and today I was down a complete size in my pants. Hip, Hip - hmmmmmm was that a yell for accomplishment or just a Freudian choice of words. Who the hell cares. I'm down a size. Now my waist is only a 48 instead of a 50. I know, that's like taking a bucket of sand off the beach. But when it's your own beach, it really is cause for celebration. I did OA in 2002 - 2004 and lost 60 lbs. in the first year. The second year I maintained and then just sort of quit the program. Not just sort of, I quit. I was now in control. And I have not been able to get back through those doors successfully.
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And so it has been with other things I have done and won. I went to the gym religiously for years. I stay trim and fit. And then slowly I quit going. My trim and fit body became not so trim and not so fit. After I gained about 20 lbs., at the grand old age of 32, I had a heart attack. That absolutey changed my metabulism and I started a weight gain that I have been up and down with for the last 35 years. I have gone on many diets, many food plans, and eventually put them aside only to gain the 50 - 75 lbs back plus. I did many things, the gym - never successfully again; walking - very effective and dropped 50 lbs in 6 months with an 8 mile walk each day. Then threw out my back and could not do that for awhile and this time I just did not get back into walking. My weight climbed and my health started to be a problem. In 2002, I had to have an MRI as the DR. suppected I was having small strokes. By this time I had gone from 170 - 190 -180-210-200-240-220-260-230-270 etc until I hit 310. I did not fit in the MRI machine. Talk about incomprehensible demoralization and humiliation - it was big time. That was May 2002. June 20, 2002 I went into OA. Then I left OA after 2 years. Then only thing I have been successful at for any length of time is my sobriety.
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As you can see from the pattern above, I do not have a very good track record of RETURN. That scares the hell out of me. I truly do not think I could go out and come back into the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. Believe me, the fear of not being able to get back keeps me here. I have my sobriety now and I want to keep it. I don't think I have another survivable drunken spree left in me. I go back to my last four day drunk and walk through that and remember the total devastation to my body. The pounding of my heart that hurt like hell and felt like it was going to rip through my chest and blast off for outer space. The cold sweats, puking my toenails up, the tremendous headache, not to mention the complete incomprehensible demoralization that I experienced. No I do not think I want to go through that again. That's why I run with the winners. That's why I work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability each day. That's why I continue to say on a daily basis that it just does not get much better than this. But the next day is.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
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God My Higher Power
My Sobriety
Mamie my schnauzer
My Sponsor
For everything above
That I recognize some misdirected anger today.
(I will probably share on that, next week - then maybe
I won't)
Two great meetings today.
Making 4 meetings this week.
That the winners will let me run with them.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Waiting and patience are not my virtues.

October 23 - Look to your experience to find your truth. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 109
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Hi there my alkie friends. Well, I sure as hell did not have to go back very far in my experiences to find my truth. Just yesterday I experienced waiting time at the endocrinologists office and damned near worked my way into a stroke. And of course patience follows. Or rather lack of patience follows. My appointment was at 10:30 and I got there about 10 minutes early. At eleven I was still waiting - ditto for 11:15; 11:30; 11:45 and at 11:55 they called my name. Of course I was steaming. The nurse asked me how I was doing and I said you and I are fine, but this long wait is not acceptable and I know it is not your fault, BUT................ My sugars were very good and my blood pressure was 170/90. NOT SO GOOD! She excused herself and said the Dr. would be right in. At 12:30 he came into the room. We exchanged pleasantries and I told him the same. He apologized and looked over my vitals. He was very pleased with the sugars and my 90 day gluco was 6 which is also very good. Now my eye problem is exacerbated by my high blood pressure. I told him about my eye problem and he said he had a not from the retinologist. He retook my BP and it was 180/100. He just looked at me.Then he said we have to get this under control and you getting mad does not help your BP.One of these days you are going to keel over from a temper fit. (I did in 1998 in an argument over a treadmill at the gym, felt like I got hit in the head with a baseball bat.) Anyway he added to my BP med. This new one is supposed to open up and widen my arteries and vessels. He thinks it will help in getting the blood circulation going again in my left eye. He gave me 70 days of samples plus 90 days of samples for my diabetes. The two together will save me about $150 in my prescription charges. Then he wants me back in one week at 10:30 for a BP check. I will not have to wait more than 10 minutes and then I had a chest xray and an ekg. ????? I left his office at 1:05. Now I really like this doctor and have a lot of faith in him. He has been Joe's Dr. for several years. So I will just have to work on patience and acceptance of the wait.
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Now I had wanted to go to the Wednesday nooner at Lambda Center because it is a speaker meeting. However due to the excessive time in the Dr. office, I missed the meeting. So I went to Luby's for the after the meeting meeting. Only three of us but it was pleasant and centered me. Talking with a couple of other alcoholics tends to do that. I did not discuss my Dr. visit. The three of us had lunch and fellowship and they went their way and I went my way. A nice touch to the mid day. I was home at three. I just chilled out for the rest of the day and went to bed at 10:30 and was asleep a little after midnight. (I watched some tv and started dozing).
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OOOPs. I did not post yesterday. I knew something else was missing when I went to bed, but just wanted to get to bed. So here I am tonight. I have had a very full day and haven't even looked at today's blogs. So tomorrow I have double reading and enjoyment to look forward to as I read all y'all's blogs.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
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God, My Higher Power
My Sobriety
Mamie, my schnauzer.
My Sponsor.
Today's nooner at Lambda and a large group at Luby's.
$2.39 per gallon gas at Costco yesterday.
Mamie is to be groomed tomorrow. She is so cute with long hair.
Cool weather is here for a day or two. YIPPEE.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya here.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Gratitude

October 21 Some of you are walking wakefulness, and some of you are sleepwalking. Yet all of you are creating your won reality--creating, not discovering. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 92
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Man would I ever be glad to be sleepwalking. Hell would be waking up and finding out I had been. Sheeeeez!
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Today I am grateful for:

  • God, My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my schnauzer.
  • My Sponosr
  • My blogger friends comments
  • Hearing
  • Appoint with endocronologist at 10:30 AM tomorrow.
  • A visit from old friend from SanFrancisco 11/7-14/08.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday, October 20, 2008

God does not give me more than I can handle.

October 20 - It is a great challenge, this path of the householder. There are many distractions, many worldly concerns. The aesthetic is bothered by non of these. He is brought his bread and water, and given his humble mat on which to lie, and he can devote his every hour to prayer, meditation and contemplation of the devine. How easy to see the divine under such circumstances! How simple a task! Ah, but give one a spouse and children! Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 115.
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GOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNING ALKIES!!!
Hope you've had a great sober weekend and are now ready to suck up a whole new week of sobriety. Sat nite was the Drag Auction at Lambda. The 12 act show was great, not a stinker in the group. And they collected a very substantial sum for the upcoming Houston Roundup in November. On a sadder but very uplifting note, I went to the Memorial Service/Celebration of Life for Melody J. I got there at 11:30 so I missed some good stuff that had been said. But the next hour and fifteen minutes were a continued tribute to a lovely woman who loved life and lived the past four years sober. She brought happiness to a whole bunch of us, shared her sobriety without equal, and was loved by all who knew her. Melody was a melody with a Rock and Roll beat. She will be missed.
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Today I resumed appointments with my retinologist for a followup on diabetic retinopothy.. First time since July. I was supposed to see her on Sept 16, but Ike blew that out the window. I have had two hemorrhages during the time from the July visit to know. Neither one was bad and was cleared within 24 hours. She dilated both eyes, gave me an injection of dye and looked at both eyes. There is more damage to my left eye. The blood circulation in that eye are little to none and is of great concern to her (and now to me) and she wants me to see my endocrinologist ASAP. The Right eye is fine. I asked her if I was in danger of losing my left eye. Her answer was the eye is not going anywhere but you are losing the sight in that eye and my job is now to try to save it. IN JUST THREE MONTHS? That was not my first thought, it just was as I am writing. My first thought was well my right eye is still good so I won't be blind. Now that is a GOD SHOT. I will have another laser treatment on Oct 30 and it will be more extensive than any I have had so far. This has been going on Since January 20 of this year. Daave came and took me to the emergency room that night. It is so good to have AA friends that are always there for me. I'm blessed.
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Anyway after I left the Dr. at 4:45 I decided to go to Lambda for the 5:15 meeting. I was not shaky or anything I just thought an hour dosage of AA would be right in order. A young man shared that he has been trying to get sober since 2002 and just can't get any time put together. He chatted how much he enjoyed wine - wine wasn't really that bad, it had little alcohol. (HMMMMMM) I DRANK LOTS OF WINE) Then he shared that if he were diabetic, he would certainly take his insulin. So why can't he get sober - his treatment for his alcoholism is AA and the twelve steps, but he finds it very hard to take in. I just found it to be the right thing for me to have to hear today. Funny how God puts things in our life at just the right time. His share just made me take a note on my treatment of my diabetes. I'm not on insulin, but I do take medication for it. And I do it without fail.
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Also at this time I happen to be in just the right spot spiritually and that will help me get through this time. I am fearful but not IN FEAR. I've gone through the Serenity Prayer and 449 or 417 in the 4th on acceptance. God will see me though this and so will my fellow trudgers. You see he set me on this journey almost 17 years ago and I know this is one of those times I have been preparing myself for. Its one of those things you don't drink over, no matter what. IT JUST WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT.
Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God, My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • My Friends
  • My senses of smell, feeling, and sight
  • Things I take for granted
  • My fellow bloggers

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Not As Planned Plus a Delicious Recipe.

October 17 - You are a three-fold being. You consist of body, mind, and spirit. You could also call these the physical, the nonphysical and the metaphysical. This is the Holy Trinity, and it has been called by many names. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1 p73.
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Today did not start as planned. Last night my arthritis flared unlike it never has and I was in so much pain from
my neck, mid-back, hips, knee joints and down to the tips of piggly wigglys. I usually take 4 Aleve when I go to bed. By 5 AM I was still awake from the pain so I took 4 more and rubbed the knees with Joinritis. I turned off my alarm clock to get up at 8:30 to go to my Friday Meetings. Soon I was in the arms of Morpheus - slept well until a little after 1 PM. I still hurt some, but not the throbbing numbing pain I had earlier. The relief was most welcome. I live with constant pain, sometimes worse than others but not more than I can generally take, but I have learned to accept it and have made the adjustments to cope. I usually take 800 mg of Aleve in the AM and again at bedtime. Sometimes I have to work in another two my mid-day, but usually not. My doctor has told me I can take up to 800 mg three times a day, but I don't unless I just need to do so. And last night I needed it. I am so fortunate that I can find relief. I know a lot of people don't and are just miserable the whole day through. But God has been kind to me, and I love that. He brought me my sobriety and I'm sure if I had not taken the Gift that Mr. Ritus would be even more painful. Thank you, God.
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Tonight I had a delicious dinner. I got 1/2 pound at the H E B Market in the Woodlands. It is very much like the Central Market in Upper Kirby. The 1/2 half pound of medium cooked, deveined shrimp cost me $3.23.(about 40 shrimp) I also got some green onions. I was going to fix what I call Shrimp Salsalito, its an easy recipe but I had four avocados from Sundays trip to Costco. And I decided to make a shrimp salad:

  • 14 medium cooked shrimp cut in half
  • 1 large avocado - small diced
  • 1 medium tomato - diced
  • 1 green onion - slice and diced
  • three small dashes of Rasberry Walnut Vinegrette

Mix ingredients and voila - a delicious main dish for one. Very satisfying.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

God, my Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my schnauzer

My sponsor

Relief of my pain

My blogger friends.

Your comments.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Geographics

October 16 - You cannot move away from something, because it will chase you all over hell and back. Therefore, resist not temptation--but simply turn from it. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, Page 104
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Hey, alkies - how the hell are you. The above quote sounds to me like a warning about geographics. Who'da th0ught. Now when I sat down to do tonight's blog, I did not have a topic or know what I would write. And then I did my daily quote from CWG and Voila. SO, Back in the early 60's I did a geographic just about every 90 days to 6 months. Usually because I had to move because of non payment of rent or I lost a paying roommate and could not afford the apt by myself. Of course the fact that the roomies probably moved because of my drunken rages never even entered my mind until I got sober and my first sponsor had me do an autobiographic 1st step about how I was powerless over alcohol and the effects it had on my life. When I had to take in my Mother, the moving came to a screeching halt. Well almost.
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We were in the townhouse about 3 - 4 months when we got an eviction notice. Not for non-payment but for excessive noise after hours. I had a group of friends over after the bars closed at midnight and they had gathered at my door waiting for me and we all know how quiet drunks are. NOT. Anyway the neighbors complained to the management and the guy came and told me to quiet down there had been complaints. Ok, so I turned the music down, but opened the patio door for the smoke to clear. Again, here came the manager. This time he said he could here us at his apt. which was about 1/4 block away. I told him to F off, I paid my rent and we were not doing anything illegal. We argued and I told him ok. But he had really pissed me off. So I went out on the balcony. and yelled at him as he left the townhouse court - Mary, don't you fucking come back again. Blah blah blah. Well the next day we got a letter of notice to vacate. I appealed, apologized and guaranteed him it would not happen again. Didn't work. So we moved into a duplex in the upper apartment. This was a great place. It was 3 blocks from work, and was $55.00 a month cheaper. We did not have carpet, just hardware floors. No rugs either. The "old lady" downstairs complained about Mother walking in her heels around in our apartment. This did not go over well. Then she complained to the owner who lived in New Braunfels. We go a letter to please try to be considerate of Ms. Branard. Then she complained that we used the backstairs. Mother and she had a scream fest. She and I had a scream fest. (Both fests were alcohol induced - Mrs Branard was a church going Baptist)We got another letter from the owner asking to please vacate within 30 days or she would file for eviction. This time I got a house. That took care of that problem. Then I was offered a promotion and relocation to Los Angeles. I grabbed it. I just knew that the move would take care of all my problems. To make a long story short, none of the moves took care of them. They followed me everywhere I went they went. Finally in January 1992 I got sober. I learned about geographics. I learned about the disease being ever present 24/7. Then when I did my 1st step as my sponsor requested I saw it all in black and white. It's hard to argue with black and white proof.
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Yes I have moved during my 16 and change years of sobriety, but I have not been running from anything. I have the one and only sobriety date of 01-20-2008. I have been blessed in that and can tell you that it works if you work it. That's not lip service. I mean go to meetings, have a sponsor, do the steps, continually be present in your recovery, be of service, and take direction. It is amazing how following the suggestions of the Big Book work. It just does not get any better than that.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
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God, My Higher Power.
My Sobriety.
Mamie, my schnauzer.
My Sponsor.
My fellow bloggers.
Today I celebrated Joe's 67th birthday with lunch with him.
Serenity
Tomorrow is double dip day. (Two meetings)
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Just Don't Care

OCTOBER 15 - Be watchful of the choices of others, but not judgmental. Know that their choice is perfect for them in this moment now--yet stand ready to assist them should the moment come when they seek a newer choice, a different choice--a higher choice. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 47
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That's my mood tonight - I just don't care. Kind of a funk. But not so much of funk that I'm really depressed. Just icky. I don't like this feeling, but it sure as hell beats depression. That's when I really don't care. I really like tonight's quote, I have to watch the judgmental thing. I can fall into that so quickly, but the difference in the past and now is that I can recognize that and not act on it. I've said prayers today, my usual morning prayer, and several Thank You, God type prayers. I was making a lane change today and did not see anything in my mirrors, but took the second look to the right and right at my door was the front end of a big pickup truck. That was definitely a thank you, GOD. Another one was when I came out of the movie this afternoon and it was just pouring,
it just stopped and I almost made it to the parking garage before the bottom fell out again. When those kinds of things happen, I really feel totally tuned in to God. But the best is the feeling I have now. When I started to do this post and the hour preceding this, I was in such a funk. Now that I'm doing this post that is lessening. Maybe it's getting out of self? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yep that's the ticket.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
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  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my schnauzer.
  • My Sponsor
  • God shots.
  • Openness
  • Willingness

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Walking Out Of A Meeting - A blong (Grin)

October 14 - The soul is very clear that its purpose is evolution. That is its sole purpose--and soul purpose. It is not concerned with the achievements of the body or the development of the mind. These are all meaningless to the soul. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 82.
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Hey there you bunch of alkies. How the hell are you? Sober as usual I bet.
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Saturday night I wrote about not walking out of the meeting during the share I found very hard to listen to as the speaker was very monotone. I also mentioned that I had only walked out of one speaker meeting because of what the speaker said. And I would do it again. As it turned out, it was a learning experience, but if the same thing happened again, I would walk out again.
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The meeting was the Saturday night speaker meeting at Colfax in the San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles in the summer of 2001. This was a predominately gay meeting and usually had 200-300 in attendance. The format was readings, a ten minute speaker, birthday celebrations, and then the main speaker. The speakers were not always gay and that was ok, we were there to hear ESH. Usually most speakers would say that what they shared were their own experiences and thoughts and not necessarily those of AA.
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In LA, medication for a psychiatric diagnosis was very controversial as were prescription drugs for pain or during surgery. The latter being espoused by a smaller group was said to take away your sobriety. If you were on these drugs you were not sober. In my third year of sobriety, I heard this at a workshop at the AALA convention. I quit my meds - I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, PTSD, Anxiety/Panic disorder. Oh and I also quit my doctors. Within a short period of time I was very suicidal and had gone into a very depressive state. It just all kicked in. My sponsor asked me what was going on, and I told him I was following AA's rule of no drugs. Nothing stronger than and aspirin; no mind altering drugs, etc. He just looked at me in amazement and asked what page I read that on. Of course it is not there. He insisted I call both my Psychiatrist and my Psychologist right then and there and set up an appointment ASAP. I did get better shortly thereafter.
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Now that previous paragraph is just a prelude for the walkout story. After the Birthday Celebrations the meeting Secretary introduced the speaker as someone that was very special to her - her sponsor. The guy took the stage and introduced himself as "I'm Jack" an alcoholic. I have been clean and sober for 28 years. I have never spoken with a gay group before and I am here to share my ESH. I am going to piss a lot of you off, because of something that is most prevalent in so gay AA's so called sobriety. I really don't care if I piss you off or not, I am going to be telling you the truth. The truth of Alcoholics Anonymous, some of you will probably walk out, but I don't care. This needs to be said. How many of you are on mind altering prescriptions drugs or prescribed pain pills . Don't raise you hands, I don't want to embarrass you but you are not sober.(Three or four people started for the door.) See I told you some of you could not handle this. That's right taking those drugs equal YOU ARE NOT SOBER (as he yelled the capitalized words). Another few people left. Then my best friend and was going down the aisle for the door and "Jack" yelled THAT"S RIGHT LEAVE, THE PHARMACY IS STILL OPEN. With that about half of the hall got up and walked out mostly by way of the back door. We gathered as a group and more and more people came out. We were told there was about 50 people left. A lot of people just went to their cars and left. About 50 of stayed for awhile and a group of about 5 said we needed to demand the resignation of the secretary and the guy should be censured to the AA Central Office Of Los Angeles. That was what was in our minds when we left. A group of us went to our regular after meeting hangout, ate, talked about what happened and then went home.
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As the week went on many calls were made, lots of people with hot tempers tried to prevail. Many of our "community icons" agreed with us. Many did not. Finally, As it turned out what we had wanted to do was outside the 12 traditions. Which one - read them to find out. Pay special attention to tradition three but the answer is in all 12 of them. As I said this was a learning experience. We followed the traditions, no one was voted out, no one was censured. That is not the way of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Today, I would probably walk of a meeting if something of this type occurred again. I want to hear ESH, not be attacked. Now I can handle someone expressing his/her opinion during their share - as long as they don't try to twist it as Alcoholics Anonymous regulation. We don't have them. We have the steps - a suggested way of life. We have the traditions which is to the group what the steps are to the individual. We also have the 12 principles and the 12 promises. My favorite Promise is "God doing for me what I cannot do for myself." Now it just does not get any better than that.
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Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • Others gratitude lists
  • My fellow bloggers (you are all treasures)
  • The serenity prayer
  • Working on quitting fighting any and everything.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday, October 13, 2008

What?

A practicing Master does not speak of suffering simply because a Master practicing clearly understands the power of the Word--and so chooses to simply not say a word about it. October 13 - Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 107
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Just noticing a creep of politicization on the blogs of late. I certainly hope this is not going to be the norm. I try so hard not to get political, and usually do not. However, there is one blog I visit and the author and I have very similar political beliefs and I usually make a comment to something he might have said of his blog. But that is it.
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I don't talk about Conservatives, Liberals or whatever. My profile states where I sort of stand politically, but I do not try to "convert" or "insult" any of my readers. That is not my intent. If I ever have ruffled your political feathers, please accept my humble apologies, I don't think I have but one never knows. I saw a comment the other day on a blog that I thought had been channeled by a certain far right wing female blond author and columnist. Then I thought No, that could not have been. Then another blog mentioned the "Gestapo" at the door. And another talked about guns. Now I do not have a gun nor would I ever have one in my house. I was 14 when a piece of my stepfather's brain whizzed by my head. I have a great fear of guns. Now, that is my feeling. Those of you who want a gun, or disagree with me, or whatever, that is your right. It is the right of every American to choose his/her beliefs. That right has been fought for in battles since the founding of this wonderful country. May we always have those rights. You and me, kiddo.
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Today was a great sober day. Saw a Movie - The Duchess. Very good. Got home and a friend of mine came by to fix my garage door opener. Done. I drove to the movie, to the store, and home on my $2.69 gasoline that I got at Costco yesterday.
When driving from the Woodlands to my home I must have seen at least half a dozen cars with Program Slogans or the AA logo on windows or bumpers. There was just a mini-freeway-meeting on Southbound I-45. That's what I call them. I love seeing the program out riding about. There's a lot of us out there. See how many you can see one day this week. Being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous just keeps getting better and better.
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Today I am Grateful for:
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God, My Higher Power
My Sobriety
Mamie, my schnauzer
My sponsor.
My fellow bloggers.
Some facsimile of SANITY.
Acceptance.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I fuggered it out!

October 11 - All of you are special. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 143
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Hey my alkie friends. I done fuggered it out. I talked with a friend of mine and he made a suggestion that did not work, but it got me to thinking. Oh yeah, I made a change in my security area on my control panel. So I went back to Control Panel, changed it back. Voila - Everything is back like it was. It was a learning experience, and anything that makes me learn something about my computer has to worth the trouble it causes me. The other change that appeared as if by magic was a change in my email format. Daave told me this was a change from Yahoo and it was not my fault. That was good to hear, so I did not F*** up everything. YAHOOOOOOOOO!
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This evening Daave, Rick, and I had dinner at El Pariso (sp) and then went to the speaker meeting at Lambda. The woman that spoke wore me out with the same droning tone. It was painful. I tried to slit my wrists with a limp dollar bill. I was reminded of Gloria Upson from Auntie Mame. I know I am taking the inventory of a sober woman with 21 years, and I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. This is the second time in my 16.5 years of sobriety that I have been through such a painful ESH. During my first year, the speaker for our Sunday morning speaker meeting did not show up, so the chairperson asked for a volunteer. This much loved man with 32 years got up and waked to the podium and shared his ESH with us. No one walked out, but it was a topic for conversation at the meeting after the meeting. Of course we never know what the speaker is going through while he/she is sharing or what kind of day they had. Love and tolerance does not come to mind during these type of shares, but I just cannot walk out on a speaker. I've only done that once and more that one half of the attendees left the meeting. Subject for a future post.
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Any way, in spite of my self, I have just completed another 24 hours of sobriety, spent an evening with sober frineds, did a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It just does not get much better than that.
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Today I am grateful for:
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  • God, My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • Friends
  • An afternoon of shopping with Joe
  • Y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Operator Problem

October 10 - Life may more than once call upon you to prove Who You Are by demonstrating an aspect of Who You Are Not. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 133.
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Hi, y'all. Well, I'm back on line. As it turns out it was operator problems. I still do not have it fixed, cannot use the color palet as I did, but I can post. It just won't be the same. However, there was progress - I got the fonts down to a size where I can read it, and can work on the screen. I will get my color back, I just have to figure it out. So I will be in "tutorial" mode for a few days. The good news - It was just an inconvenience, not an endall.
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Today I am grateful for:
  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • Today's 10 am meeting with 7 other alkies in my age group.
  • Having known Melody.
  • Friends

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Meltdown and Computer Probs.

When human love relationships fail, they fail because they were entered into for the wrong reason. October 8 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 122
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Hi, my alkie friends. Lordy, lordy, lordy - what a 24 hours that just passed. Oi Vay.
  1. A thunderstorm yesterday am knocked out my power at 7AM.
  2. Oh no, not another 11 days.
  3. Came back on at 10:30.
  4. Left home at 11:15 to go to lambda and my shrink in that order.
  5. Got home about 4 pm and tried to sign on to the internet. )(*&^)(*^)(*^&*
  6. No connection. Called ATT - one hour later it was determined that there was a line problem so they transferred me to scheduling for a tech to come out and test the line and the inside connection.
  7. Schedule was for 1 - 5 PM today. AAARRRRGGGH!
  8. 10:30 Phone rings. ATT tech - I was next on list and could he come by early. After reviving myself for "the impossible" to happen, I said YES!
  9. 10 minutes later he was here. My modem had died.
  10. I just happened to have another, it worked, and I only needed to call ATT to get hooked back up.
  11. At 11:00 AM i called tech support.3 support reps and a transfer to an onshore tech rep I was all hooked up again and off the phone at.........................4 yes 4 fucking PM.

By now I have not had breakfast, nor taken my daily meds, etc. But I am back online, however my Yahoo Messenger sidebar no longer works or should I say no longer exists. When reconnecting me, they hooked me back up with all of their most current application. The newest application discontinued the SIDEBAR and replaced it with history. I now need to talk to Tier Two Tech to get this fixed if at all possible.

No this did not cause my meltdown. That happened last night. Now mind you, I have gone through Ike and all that crap and came through fine. No anxiety nor panic nor depression. But when the "Offshore Tech" (somewhere in the South Pacific or the Indian Ocean) told me I may have to wait 4 ddays for the ATT tecky to come out, I just snapped. I quickly got off the phone with him and just started screaming - I really th0ught OK it's time for the men in the little white coats. I AM IN FULL MELTDOWN. So my inner voice told me to calm down and call my sponsor. (What a concept) So I called Norris and he answered I started to tell him what was wrong and my voice just got higher and higher and Bless his Heart - he told me very lovingly - Stop. Breath in slowly - let it out slowly I did so and then I just broke down and cried like I haven't cried since Dolly died. I mean I was wailing. He just kept saying, get it all out, cry as long as you need to, I'm here. After a few minutes and a few elk answered what they thought was a mating call, I quit calling. He said well you must feel better, what happened and I went over the story with him. He asked if I had called ATT to schedule the tech to come out and I said no.

Norris: Well, why don't you call and schedule them..

Me: Ok.

And then I told him I think my reaction to all of this was due to all of the pent up emotion from Ike, etc. He agreed. Now the best part of all of this was that during all of this MELTDOWN, I never thought about having a drink. I just wanted HELP. And I got it. So I called and scheduled the techy and you know the rest. Hmmmmmm. Contempt (Meltdown) before investigation. Or Projection?

Any way, it all has come out all right. I am still a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I used my tool box. I followed direction. (to think I needed direction for such a simple thing) And all is right with the world. Well, accept for the sidebar. And that will work itself out in God's time, not mine. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. It just does not get any better that.

Today I am grateful for:

  • God My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor. (such a loving and kind man)
  • Sanity or some facsimile of it.
  • A working internet connection
  • Prayer
  • Hard working ATT tech suppporters.
  • Solved problems.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

  • Monday, October 6, 2008

    A New Week

    October 6 - It is your soul's only desire to turn its grandest concept about itself into its greatest experience. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 22
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    Hi, Alkies. I usually can make a comment about the quote for the day, but today I am at a loss. My soul's only desire? I am going to have to really mull this one over. Maybe, just maybe, I am or have really lost it. Or it could be that I am just totally over analyzing it. My shrink in Los Angeles always said I do over analyze. I'll just have to get a round tuit.
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    Today is the first day after a really wonderfully enjoyable weekend. Sat nite I had two parties to attend. I felt like such a socialite. The first one was at Daave and Hayden's open house. Man, they just pulled the stops out. I've seen the house since they had some walls knocked out and sort of redid a portion of the floor plan. I watched it grow. Walls went up, tile went in and was then ripped out. I really watched the birth of this place. I have seen it as they furnished it so carefully. I continually thought that this is a nice place. Sat nite it was like the good looking guy you see every day and then you go out and he is in an Armani suit and is just fucking gorgeous. Well, that is like their place - it was very nice, but Sat nite it was complete and dressed to the nines. Fucking fabulous. Very contemporary, tasteful, and not overdone. It was understated elegance and beauty. Oh and the party was very enjoyable also.
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    Then this man about town went to another AA's twentieth birthday celebration. So many of the people there had been at D & H's housewarming. I saw a few people I had not seen in awhile and had some wonderful conversations.
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    I am so lucky to have been invited to share in the lives of two households of my friends. And it was two homes of sober people. Yes, we do insist in enjoying life. Sober. And it just does not get any better than that.
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    Tonight I am grateful for:
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    God, My Higher Power
    My Sobriety
    Mamie, my Schnauzer
    My Sponsor.
    My friends
    Joe
    My neighbors.
    The start of a new week.
    Bloggers.
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    Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

    Wednesday, October 1, 2008

    Just Another Day

    October 1. You can choose to be a person who has resulted simply from what has happened, or from what you've chosen to be and do about what has happened. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1 page 121.
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    Hi there you bunch of lovable alkies. My list of blogs not to miss keeps growing. I love it. I love all the different opinions, the different stories, and the common thread - alcoholism. I love the comments on each blog - some more than others. But the one thing I read in all of those comments is the love and tolerance that shows up without fail on a daily basis. I am really so damned fortunate to have this connection. When I don't get to "the connection" on a daily basis it just really throws me off. And of course IKE just sort of knocked me off for awhile and that is just one more thing that was "off." But as each day passes, the "being off" is passing and is being replaced with "being right on", and sober at that. Now it just does not get any better than that.
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    Today I am Grateful for:
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    God, my Higher Power.
    My Sobriety.
    Mamie, my schnauzer.
    My sponsor.
    A beautiful day - one of many in a row.
    30 more days til broom riding time.
    Y'all.
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    Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.