Friday, October 24, 2008

Down A Size

The point of life is not to get anywhere--is to notice that you are, and have always been, already there. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 104
How the hell are my fellow alkies? I got in two meetings. Two very good meetings. I voted. Mamie was groomed today. I had a hemorrhage in my left eye - to me that says I have blood circulation. But, I don't know that. The bleed out has just about faded at this hour. Just another day of living life on life's terms. Some days you win, some days you lose, and some days its a draw or so they say. But to me, if I make to the next day, then the day before was a win. Especially if I have made it through another day of sobriety.
Hip, Hip, hooray. I have now lost 23 pounds and today I was down a complete size in my pants. Hip, Hip - hmmmmmm was that a yell for accomplishment or just a Freudian choice of words. Who the hell cares. I'm down a size. Now my waist is only a 48 instead of a 50. I know, that's like taking a bucket of sand off the beach. But when it's your own beach, it really is cause for celebration. I did OA in 2002 - 2004 and lost 60 lbs. in the first year. The second year I maintained and then just sort of quit the program. Not just sort of, I quit. I was now in control. And I have not been able to get back through those doors successfully.
And so it has been with other things I have done and won. I went to the gym religiously for years. I stay trim and fit. And then slowly I quit going. My trim and fit body became not so trim and not so fit. After I gained about 20 lbs., at the grand old age of 32, I had a heart attack. That absolutey changed my metabulism and I started a weight gain that I have been up and down with for the last 35 years. I have gone on many diets, many food plans, and eventually put them aside only to gain the 50 - 75 lbs back plus. I did many things, the gym - never successfully again; walking - very effective and dropped 50 lbs in 6 months with an 8 mile walk each day. Then threw out my back and could not do that for awhile and this time I just did not get back into walking. My weight climbed and my health started to be a problem. In 2002, I had to have an MRI as the DR. suppected I was having small strokes. By this time I had gone from 170 - 190 -180-210-200-240-220-260-230-270 etc until I hit 310. I did not fit in the MRI machine. Talk about incomprehensible demoralization and humiliation - it was big time. That was May 2002. June 20, 2002 I went into OA. Then I left OA after 2 years. Then only thing I have been successful at for any length of time is my sobriety.
As you can see from the pattern above, I do not have a very good track record of RETURN. That scares the hell out of me. I truly do not think I could go out and come back into the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. Believe me, the fear of not being able to get back keeps me here. I have my sobriety now and I want to keep it. I don't think I have another survivable drunken spree left in me. I go back to my last four day drunk and walk through that and remember the total devastation to my body. The pounding of my heart that hurt like hell and felt like it was going to rip through my chest and blast off for outer space. The cold sweats, puking my toenails up, the tremendous headache, not to mention the complete incomprehensible demoralization that I experienced. No I do not think I want to go through that again. That's why I run with the winners. That's why I work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability each day. That's why I continue to say on a daily basis that it just does not get much better than this. But the next day is.
Tonight I am grateful for:
God My Higher Power
My Sobriety
Mamie my schnauzer
My Sponsor
For everything above
That I recognize some misdirected anger today.
(I will probably share on that, next week - then maybe
I won't)
Two great meetings today.
Making 4 meetings this week.
That the winners will let me run with them.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


Findon said...

Good grief Zanejabbers that post could almost have come from me. The eyes, the weight, the plans. I like your description of the last drink. I shall always remember what you said about it, because that's exactly how it was for me. I hope the eye thing works out for you. Take care.

dAAve said...

I would have loved to watch you puke your toenails. Never seen that before. (were they painted?)

Scott W said...

You're on your way to becoming skinny. Bitch.

AlkySeltzer said...

ZJ. funny--well, not so funny, I also had (2) heart attacks around age 32-33

Lots of other 'stuff' also. You're the first person I've met who had so MANY health "issues" (hate that word) and still lives. You must have been some (suicidal?) type of drunk. Me, too, and (again, other 'stuff' -grin-)

Glad you're still kickin'. See you same time, same space, week from Monday (Gratitude Cruise, ya know!)


Thanks for sharing so honestly.

I don't think I have another return trip ticket to sobriety. I'm not going to test it or try to find out.

No matter what other problems I may have, I keep my sobriety #1. Sounds like that's what you're doing too.

We're all in this together.

J-Online said...

Very inspiring post. You've come a long way and should be very proud! You and God are doing wonders together!

JubilantOne said...

I found you via J-Online's blog...

I'm grateful for Mamie the schnauzer, too! I don't know her, but I already love her. (Certified Dog Nut, I)

Zane, I am with you. The only thing I've stuck with is sobriety, too. I've gained 60 pounds since I got sober (3.5 years ago) and find myself squelching my optimism about losing it and getting back into shape.

One step at a time. This too shall pass. One day at a time.

Hugs from MN - JO

Trailboss said...

Losing weight is such a difficult thing to do. Keeping it off is even harder, I think. I need to lose quite a bit myself. **sigh**

Pam said...

I'm jealous