Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Blong Of Gratitude for Personal Growth

You create, collectively and individually, the life and times you are experiencing, for the soul purpose of evolving. September 22 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 37
Hey y'all. How the hell are ya? This ole drunk is doing real good these days. I have my probs but I am dealing with them.
I have now been in Houston for 5 years and change. What a Journey it has been. This post is 75% positive and is about personal growth. I am a firm believer that God does not give us too much to handle.
Since October of 2001 I have been on a regimen of psycho drugs that grew and grew until I did not have any feelings. It was very difficult to show any emotion. When I arrived back in Houston I was taking three different meds. I did not like it but I also knew that they were keeping me alive. Depression, anxiety and panic attacks were the Song of The Day. I missed my previous mental health team from LA tremendously. Brian was my therapist and Lee was my psychiatrist. Those two men helped me get back from the depths of hell and severe depression to being a focusing and contributor to the human race. They also helped me to the point of finding sobriety. I have a very special love for the two of them. When I got here it was so hard to start over with new therapists and shrinks. I fired two, we just did not click. Then I found Dr. Ed. He has really helped me back again. I've been with Dr. Ed now for three years and the change in myself from the inside out is incredible. Over the past year with his help and guidance I have come down from 80 mg of Prozac to 20 mg. And I am only on one other med now and it is 10 mg instead of 30. Yes, I feel more, I am more aware, and I still have depression, but not like it was since 2001. And through all of this I have maintained my sobriety because I knew that without it would be instant death. Now I am not afraid of dying, sometimes I just wish it was over, but I would not take action on that. I can now cry at movies; I have emotions that bubble to the top and I don't feel like I am on overload. I have so much gratitude for this. And all I had to do was take action, do the next indicated thing and just trudge on down that long and narrow road. The road was not lonely and I was not alone. I had my God as I understand Him. I have Alcoholics Anonymous and an incredible support group. It just does not get much better than that.
Yesterday I picked up a new set of eye glasses. I can now see clearly out of both eyes. I still have some probs with the left one but the prognosis is for it to just continue to get better. Dr. Judy (not Judge Judy) has brought me through a rough 20 months. My last appointment on Sept 2 she told me to go ahead and get my new glasses and now I have them and they do not appear like coke bottles. I am so happy with this. Again, my God as I understand Him, Alcoholics Anonymous, and my incredible support group have been on this trudge with me. And it just does not get much better than that.
I am so blessed.
I'm going over to be with Rosalie this next week. Last month they found a spot on her lungs and when they did an MRI the spot was not appearing so her Doc. told her it must just be the scar tissue from her COPD. She called me last week and said that the Spot had come back and she was having breathing probs and they did another MRI and found she has lung cancer. Now how they can tell from the shape of a tumor on an MRI that it was cancerous is beyond me but I was sort of shocked. Lung cancer is what took my Mother May 29, 1986. It's sort of same story, different star. Next Tuesday, Rosalie has a biopsy to see what kind of cancer it is and what stage it is in. The Difference this time is with Rosalie I am sober and can be there for her at all times as needed. Again, one more time, I am grateful for that and for the God of my understanding trudging through this with me. And the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my incredible support group.
Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my OCD schnauzer
  • My sponsor who is recovering remarkably from his knee surgery.
  • My incredible support group - friends, family, and my bitchin bloggers.
  • The resentment prayer for the woman that told me I was BIG is gone. The prayer worked one more time.
  • Learning to make lemonade
  • All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


dAAve said...

Your lemonade is sweet, not sour.

Zanejabbers said...

And don't you forget it.

big Jenn said...

I'm glad you posted. You sound sane sober and normal to me! Yikes that's probably not good...
Anyway, your sister has you to help her now and that is wonderful for you both!
God is great. jeNN

Steve E. said...

Zane, you sound like you are doing better (except for "big" --grin!)

And Rosalie, we shall see.

You both staying pretty, as we are also--in Naples, 850 miles due east

Glad you're posting again. Those emails were getting kinda...you know!

Findon said...

Good to read the post brother, I'm glad things are going well for you, and that you can be there for others. Take care

Prayer Girl said...

I am so happy to hear from you. You sound really good. I'm sorry about Rosalie, but what a great thing that you will be able to be there for her to support her in whatever develops.

Thank you, thank you for letting us know how you are.


Syd said...

I am glad to read this post Zane. I hope that your sister will be one of the lucky ones. Take care of yourself. You are a great fellow.