Friday, May 1, 2009

May 1, 11:45 AM, Post 1 of 2.

This is a poem I wrote May 15, 1991 through May 18, 1991.

May 1, 11:45 AM
The phone rang
Your voice is on the other end
It's always so good when you call
The sound of my Papa Daddy
Always warms me
reassures me
That I am loved
But wait!
Oh My God
Did he really
say it
No, It could not be
Zane I no longer
love you the
way you love me.
My God, My Love
is gone
I'm dead
My life just
leaked out my big toe
Right on to the floor of my office.
May 1, 11:45 AM
You said
I have felt this way
for two years
didn't want
to hurt you
You are so good
I love you in
So many ways
But not the way
you want
My God, My God
My love is gone
I'm wounded
Torn to shreds
My life's a shambles
I wish I were dead
May 1, 11:45 AM
I am here for you
please believe me
I'll help you
through this
How can I
Believe what you say,
You've lied for two
So you Say,
There's no one else?
Another Lie?
You said we'd be
together the
rest of our lives. A lie
I believed that
I planned for that
I loved loving you
til we're old and gray
My future is
My Security is
you turned our love into a LIE
Why Vick - My love
For God's sake
did you kill my
very loving soul
May 1, 11:45 AM
These have
my greatest fears
that one day
this would happen
We've had friends
that this has
Happened to
and you & I
reassured it could
never happen to us
Ten long
joy filled, years
days with some ups
and downs - But
God how I love you
the spark in your eye
when you come through
the door
But now I'm thrown away - again
May 1, 11:45 AM
I come home
I'm alone
I scream
I cry
I feel so
I hit myself
you come home
to offer me one
of consolation
and as always you leave on cue
The next few
days are hell
You lie again
Say that we'll
try to reshape the
Why don't
you kill me
I died anyway
May 1, 11:45 AM 1991
It.s May 16 12:25 AM
I hope I find
the courage
to snuff out the
fragments of my
miserable life
I sought help
Bet even with
I know I
can't live in
this world as
a shell
A shattered
piece of what was the epitome
of Happiness
Lied to
But Hopefully
Ill find death
to help me end
the pain
the worthless mess of
May 1, 11:45 AM
May 16 5 PM
I had a session
with a
psychologist today
He drew out
my feelings
I'm so Afraid.
I need help
I'm getting help
I am going into
the hospital
Vic's home
We can talk
I know I'm worthy
I was once
I will
May1, 11:45 AM
May 16, 7:19
Vic's Home!
God how great
It was to see him
get off the plane
There was
a sparkle
As if he was
glad to see me
We get home
and I get a hug
How I have
hungered for that
My spirits fare
so UP!
We talked
We went out
We went to bed
and he held me
I went to sleep
The Dragon is
gone for the moment
but it will return
as sure as
May 1, 11:45 AM
5/17 7:30 AM
I feel Vic
slip out of bed
I doze
It's 8:30
I get up
Home is back to normal
as normal
as it can be
My coffee is made
I feel the Dragon
slipping back
Vic goes to the Dr.
The Dragon rushes in
But I don't let
him in
I go shop for
Soad, Brush, Shorts.
I'm home
I pack
We leave
The Dragon's back
And I realize
May1, 11:45 AM
Well we're at
Westwood Communit Psychiatric Center
I'm a wreck
I could easily
go to pieces
the place is
I sign
a thousand
pieces paper.
The room are semi private
A chest for each
The Dragon is back
I'm taken to my room
It's strange
3 to a room
1 drawer
The Dragon is
in full control
This thing
This damned thing
that was born
May1, 11/45 AM
Where is my
to help me
Slay the Dragon
I must
I will
Or will I
slay myself
Will the
Dragon win
God I'm
I have got
to get
Enter Elliot
He unpacks me
Checks out my
takes my dryer
and razor
I'm agravated
and this casts the
Dragon out.
But there is still
May1, 11:45 AM
I lay down
I cry
I feel LOW
Oh poor me,
Pity Pity Pity
Get with
the program
Igo out
Elliott introduces
me to Elaine
I go get a soda
Dinner is a
baked potatoe
By myself
my choice
I'm in Control
Nothings happening
I listen to
more music
Cry some more
I feel better
the Dragon is
in the corner with
May 1, 11:45 AM.
I go to the TV room
Meet Jill,
Tony, Elain,
Charles, and Tom
Im' scare
What will they
think when
I bare my soul
We start a gove of Truth or Dare
which turns
int a
discussion of sexual experiencs
I die, But I
don't leave
I have a
Warm fuzzy feeling
The game lasted
from 8 until
about 11:30 Am
it took my
mind of
May 1, 11:45
May 18
The night was
fitfull - cold
Did not sleep well
Even a
I'm up at 6 AM
I'm pretty good
The dragon is
in the corner,
lurking, but
not in - yet
Breakfast OK
Dr. Sadja - good session
Weekend planning
My turn
I fall apart
I sob
Compassion rescues
My fears of
Homophobic reactions
were wrong
I pour my soul out
May 1, 11:45 AM
Now that it's
I'm releived
I've talked about
it to strangers
I'm glad is her
The dragon is
slipping in and out
Time for bio
They be out
for Dr. Salzman
What an asshole
The thinks my
depression from
my Corgard
He accentuates my
weight problem
He doubts my
medical histor
Fucking Jerk
As if I don't have
enough problems
dealing with
May 1, 11:45 AM
Saltzman wants me
to talk to the
Again a reference
to my weight
"Let me deal with
one problem at a time!!!"
I told him
I don't like your attitude
I complained to
the nurse
she said it's a
reaction many have
to him
Why Is He Here?!
Well enough of
this - he's off
my case
I'll be seeing Dr Birnbaum
Vic's here - the
Dradon's on the side
We visit and lunch
and tqalk about
May 1, 11:45 AM
I'm ok, I still
don't like wha
has happend
Vic wants to help
me through this
He reassures me
that he is not
abandoning me
I don't know that
I'm fearful
I still feel
Thrown away
I just need to
convice myself
that I'm worthy
The bad thought are still with me
But today I've come
a long way
I'm looking forward
to the next week
I know that the
Dragonslayer is out
there and one day
I'll completely deal with
May 1, 11:45 AM
and survive.
And that my friends is the first few days of my stay in a mental hospital. 5-1/2 months more of hospitalization and partial hostpitalization I got out and moved up to Running Springs to the cabin (2100 sq ft) that Vic and I built. I lived there for three years.
My drinking got much worse, but the journey I started on May 1 11:45 AM started me on a path that led to me becoming sober on January 20, 1992. I am eternally grateful for that. More later.

Rambling,resentments, Mamie, and reunion.

The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might your completeness.Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 123
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it any way. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding, and love." Freedom from Bondage" page 552, Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous"
So, today I pray for Micky, David, Anonymous or what ever name du jour he is using to have good health, happiness, prosperity, serenity, and spirituality.
I wrote a very hateful piece on Wednesday night and posted it, after thinking about overnight I blotted it out yesterday and decided to take another avenue of action.Now I know the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is the first 164 pages of the Big Book, but there are certainly some excellent suggestions in the stories. I have actually practiced this prayer in other times in life when I have had a huge resentment and I am here to tell you it has always worked for me. That has been my experience and that is all I can share.
MAMIE! One year and one day ago, on April 30, 2008 I adopted my little schnauzer Mamie. A lot of you will remember that as well as my having to put down me beloved Dolly on April 28. An April 28 of this year I cried which surprised me as I do not cry very easily, I can get choked up occasionally, but to actually cry is very unusual. I know it is because of my meds but I would rather not cry than to be where I am without the meds. I digress. Mamie's personality if a 180 from Dolly's. And I cherish each and every day with her. She is so robust and energetic. She is a natural hunter. A new obsession of hers are those damned HUGE tree roaches that come inside occasionally. Last night she had one about two inches long trapped under the credenza and just did her best to get to it. Thankfully she does not eat them, she just flips them on their backs and then sits and watches them "Like you dirty little bastard, you move and you're history." She loves to play ball, fetch the purple squirrel, tug o'war, and to be petted. In the afternoon or evening when I am watching TV she just crawls up on me in my recliner and lays there stretched out with head of my shoulder and every now and then gives me a Mamie kiss on my nose. I love it.
God was good to me when he brought us together and I am grateful for that everyday of my life as you all have witnessed in my gratitude list when I do post.
Now to my high school 50th reunion. I picked Sueanna up at IAH on Monday, we drove around and had dinner at the Adobe Cafe at the Marq'e. A very enjoyable day. Wednesday we got together and drove around Houston so she could see all the growth and changes in the last 30 years. Then Friday night I picked her up and we went to the Potato Patch over on FM1960 near Hardy Toll Road. This was an informal dinner with people from my class of 1959 and also from 1958. There was about 50 of us all toll including some wives and husbands. This was sort of enjoyable but not what I had hoped for, but overall I did enjoy it. It started at 5:30 PM and ended about 8 or so. I took Sueanna back to her hotel and went home. I got to the reunion at the Greenspoint Marriot about 4Pm Saturday. Sueanna was already there as that is her hotel. I checked in, got a name tag with a wallet size picture of me so people would recognize me. One thing I did notice, I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT PORKED UP. I would say that 80% of the group were much heavier than in 1959.Got to visit with the same group as on Fri nite, Madeline and her Mr., Frances and her Mr., Dora (my sweetheart ball date) and her Mr., and Melba and Lynette, both widowed. We had a nice group at the table and enjoyed it. Of course I went around the room looking for familiar faces hidden behind the wrinkles, bald head, gray to white hair, and I was surprised how I could pick out some of my old classmates. The B football guys were there - still jerks. I did get to do a quick visit with several people, especially at the picture board. I was pleasantly surprised that there were quite a number of pictures that I was in. Naturally this pleased me. (what ego)
Then we had din din and the speeches began, (snore) and then the memorial snapshots of those that are no longer with us. That was quite touching. More mingling and a couple leaving said goodbye, wished they had gotten over to the table sooner, and they left. That was Evalynn and Gene. Figured well maybe the next 50 years. So the night wrapped up, said goodbyes to my friends at the table, and off I went. Did I enjoy the evening. Yep. Would I do it next time - Jury is still out on that. However, on Monday I got an email from Evalynn that she was so sorry we did not get to really talk, so when she got home she googled me and found my blog. Read a good bit of it, and wanted to let me know she thought that I had overcome so many of life's problems that she was really impressed. A smaller party for us 59ers is in the works for sometime in the next 25 (?) so we can really visit then. This was a very positive thing. So I probably will get together with them at some time or other. Madeline wants to do a small party at her Rosenberg house. So who knows. Oh our class motto - "What we are soon to be - We are now becoming."
Tonight I am Grateful for:
  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my OCD schnauzer (one year one day)
  • My Sponsor (Has another surgery on May 5)
  • My Right eye
  • Being Sighted
  • Improved sight in left eye
  • Another laser surgery for May 5.
  • My HS 50 reunion
  • Life's in Session
  • Memories and sharing them
  • friends through out my life
  • daily things we all take for granted
  • All y'all

Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.