Friday, May 1, 2009

May 1, 11:45 AM, Post 1 of 2.

This is a poem I wrote May 15, 1991 through May 18, 1991.

May 1, 11:45 AM
The phone rang
Your voice is on the other end
It's always so good when you call
The sound of my Papa Daddy
Always warms me
reassures me
That I am loved
.
But wait!
Oh My God
Did he really
say it
No, It could not be
Zane I no longer
love you the
way you love me.
.
My God, My Love
is gone
I'm dead
My life just
leaked out my big toe
Right on to the floor of my office.
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
You said
I have felt this way
for two years
and
didn't want
to hurt you
You are so good
I love you in
So many ways
But not the way
you want
.
My God, My God
My love is gone
I'm wounded
Torn to shreds
My life's a shambles
I wish I were dead
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
I am here for you
please believe me
I'll help you
through this
LIAR!
How can I
Believe what you say,
You've lied for two
years
So you Say,
There's no one else?
Another Lie?
You said we'd be
together the
rest of our lives. A lie
I believed that
I planned for that
I loved loving you
til we're old and gray
My future is
Gone
My Security is
Shattered
you turned our love into a LIE
Why Vick - My love
For God's sake
whY
did you kill my
very loving soul
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
These have
been
my greatest fears
that one day
this would happen
We've had friends
that this has
Happened to
and you & I
reassured it could
never happen to us
Ten long
wonderful
joy filled, years
days with some ups
and downs - But
God how I love you
the spark in your eye
when you come through
the door
But now I'm thrown away - again
on
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
I come home
I'm alone
I scream
I cry
I feel so
alone
I hit myself
you come home
to offer me one
hour
of consolation
and as always you leave on cue
The next few
days are hell
You lie again
Say that we'll
try to reshape the
relationship
LIAR!
Why don't
you kill me
I died anyway
May 1, 11:45 AM 1991
.
It.s May 16 12:25 AM
I hope I find
the courage
to snuff out the
fragments of my
miserable life
I sought help
Bet even with
Solace
I know I
can't live in
this world as
a shell
A shattered
broken
piece of what was the epitome
of Happiness
Crushed
Lied to
But Hopefully
Ill find death
to help me end
the pain
the worthless mess of
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
May 16 5 PM
I had a session
with a
psychologist today
He drew out
my feelings
I'm so Afraid.
I need help
I'm getting help
I am going into
the hospital
tomorrow
Vic's home
tonight
We can talk
I know I'm worthy
I was once
and
I will
survive
May1, 11:45 AM
.
May 16, 7:19
Vic's Home!
God how great
It was to see him
get off the plane
There was
a sparkle
As if he was
glad to see me
We get home
and I get a hug
How I have
hungered for that
My spirits fare
so UP!
We talked
We went out
We went to bed
and he held me
I went to sleep
The Dragon is
gone for the moment
but it will return
as sure as
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
5/17 7:30 AM
I feel Vic
slip out of bed
I doze
It's 8:30
I get up
Home is back to normal
as normal
as it can be
My coffee is made
I feel the Dragon
slipping back
Vic goes to the Dr.
The Dragon rushes in
But I don't let
him in
Completely
I go shop for
Soad, Brush, Shorts.
I'm home
I pack
We leave
The Dragon's back
And I realize
May1, 11:45 AM
.
Well we're at
Westwood Communit Psychiatric Center
I'm a wreck
inside
I could easily
go to pieces
the place is
pleasant
I sign
a thousand
pieces paper.
The room are semi private
A chest for each
The Dragon is back
I'm taken to my room
It's strange
3 to a room
1 drawer
The Dragon is
in full control
This thing
This damned thing
that was born
May1, 11/45 AM
.
Where is my
Knight
to help me
Slay the Dragon
I must
I will
Or will I
slay myself
Will the
Dragon win
God I'm
confused
I have got
to get
CONTROL
Enter Elliot
He unpacks me
Checks out my
things
takes my dryer
and razor
I'm agravated
and this casts the
Dragon out.
But there is still
May1, 11:45 AM
.
I lay down
I cry
I feel LOW
Oh poor me,
Pity Pity Pity
Get with
the program
Zane
Igo out
Elliott introduces
me to Elaine
I go get a soda
Dinner is a
baked potatoe
By myself
my choice
I'm in Control
Nothings happening
I listen to
more music
Cry some more
I feel better
the Dragon is
in the corner with
May 1, 11:45 AM.
.
I go to the TV room
Meet Jill,
Tony, Elain,
Charles, and Tom
Im' scare
What will they
think when
I bare my soul
We start a gove of Truth or Dare
which turns
int a
discussion of sexual experiencs
I die, But I
don't leave
I have a
Warm fuzzy feeling
The game lasted
from 8 until
about 11:30 Am
it took my
mind of
May 1, 11:45
.
May 18
The night was
fitfull - cold
Did not sleep well
Even a
HALCION
I'm up at 6 AM
I'm pretty good
The dragon is
in the corner,
lurking, but
not in - yet
Breakfast OK
Vitals
Dr. Sadja - good session
Weekend planning
Group
My turn
I fall apart
I sob
Compassion rescues
me
My fears of
Homophobic reactions
were wrong
I pour my soul out
about
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
Now that it's
out
I'm releived
I've talked about
it to strangers
I'm glad is her
The dragon is
slipping in and out
Time for bio
They be out
for Dr. Salzman
What an asshole
The thinks my
depression from
my Corgard
He accentuates my
weight problem
He doubts my
medical histor
Fucking Jerk
As if I don't have
enough problems
dealing with
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
Saltzman wants me
to talk to the
dietician
Again a reference
to my weight
"Let me deal with
one problem at a time!!!"
I told him
I don't like your attitude
I complained to
the nurse
she said it's a
reaction many have
to him
Why Is He Here?!
Well enough of
this - he's off
my case
I'll be seeing Dr Birnbaum
Vic's here - the
Dradon's on the side
We visit and lunch
and tqalk about
May 1, 11:45 AM
.
I'm ok, I still
don't like wha
has happend
Vic wants to help
me through this
He reassures me
that he is not
abandoning me
I don't know that
I'm fearful
I still feel
Thrown away
I just need to
convice myself
that I'm worthy
The bad thought are still with me
But today I've come
a long way
I'm looking forward
to the next week
I know that the
Dragonslayer is out
there and one day
I'll completely deal with
May 1, 11:45 AM
and survive.
.
And that my friends is the first few days of my stay in a mental hospital. 5-1/2 months more of hospitalization and partial hostpitalization I got out and moved up to Running Springs to the cabin (2100 sq ft) that Vic and I built. I lived there for three years.
My drinking got much worse, but the journey I started on May 1 11:45 AM started me on a path that led to me becoming sober on January 20, 1992. I am eternally grateful for that. More later.

11 comments:

dAAve said...

It doesn't rhyme.

big Jenn said...

Such a sad time. Such a scary time. It's amazing the things we survive in this life isn't it?jeNN

Steve E. said...

Zane, I never knew you...until today.
I'm in a serious mode this morning, so my heart bled a little for you, so sad.

Maybe after telling everyone now, the would will heal. Finally! I must never carry something like that--alone.

Scott W said...

But you never have to do it alone, ever again.

Syd said...

Zane, I also feel the fear of being thrown away. That fear of rejection is strong and one that I have to fight. I'm grateful that you shared this. And like Scott says, I'm not having to go it alone ever again.

Prayer Girl said...

How very brave of you to pull this poem out of wherever you had it stored and share it with those of us in the blog world who have come to love and care about you.

Screw rhyming....who gives a f----! This came out of you just exactly as it needed to.

A glimpse into the event that set you on the road to a new life. It is amazing how much blessing can result from so much pain.

Thanks Zane,
Prayer Girl

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Powerful poetry!

Findon said...

I think that this is one of the most powerful and poignant posts I have ever read. I don't know what to say, I cannot think of anything that would do this justice. You are a remarkable man Zane.

Akannie said...

Alright, my friend....where are you? It's May 16th and not another word from you.

Come out, come out wherever you are !!!

I love and miss you.

Annie

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Checking back in to wish you a Happy Memorial Day Weekend, Zane!

Akannie said...

Checking in to see if you've returned to the scene of the crime, my man.

Are you okay?

Missing the bejeezus out of you....

Love, Anniek