Monday, March 16, 2009

My Soap Box - GRRROWL.

March 16 - Killing can never be justified as a means of expressing anger, releasing hostility, "righting a wrong" or punishing an offender. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 151
Hi, you bunch of alkies. I've been reading along these past few days just have not felt like writing or commenting. Yep, from some of the postings I know I am reading the words of a bunch of sick, recovering alcoholics just like me. I say recovering because this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and if I dared to say recovered, then I fear would be setting up a major attack and I just don't want to do that. I also want to say that what I write on my bog is my thoughts, opinions, experience, strengths and hope. I write them to share with those that want to read me. Whether you like what I write is none of my business. Yeah right. Now if I could just Really believe that, but I'm a hell of lot closer to it than I used to be. And that is just SPIRITUAL PROGRESS not PERFECTION.
Two of the things that are sayings I use over and over and were written about by Pammie on 03-09-09. God Bless her, she really gets a point across. And she makes me think when she goes off. And of course being a bit paranoid I sometimes feel that she is writing about me. Yep ME. It's all about me. I'm the center of her thoughts - she leases me space in her head or is it the other way around. Who the hell cares. I'm getting the point across. Pammie is my friend, and I know she would never attack me, if I choose to feel attacked, that is my loss. Anyway I want to speak to the two issues that have me fired up a bit.
Don't Drink No Matter What. My 1st sponsor drummed this into my head. And it's worked for me for 17 years and change. His and now my thoughts behind this are that if I am serious about being sober, about being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous that I don't drink no matter what. If I feel like I want to drink I should have the tools to not do it. Those tools are found in the first 164 pages of the BB. I mean if my ass is falling off, I've lost my job (6 mos sober it happened), deaths of dear friends or other loved ones, ill health (1 heart attack, a few strokes, kidney stones, major depression, anxiety, panic attacks, my life threatened by an employee, attack by another employee) etc. I will not drink over them. Not even if I break my fucking shoe lace. The point is I will not drink if I keep myself spiritually fit, follow other suggestions from the BB, Sponsor, stick with the winners, and just really fill up my tool box, I will not drink no matter what.
Think the drink through. To me this means thinking the drink through from the time I order it thorough it being poured into the glass, feeling it as it goes down my throat (warm fuzzy feeling), and enjoying it to the last drop. But wait, I can't have just one. 32 years of drinking and 17 years of sobriety have taught me that I cannot have just one, it will always ALWAYS be followed by another and another and another until I am in a state of incomprehensible demoralization; including a black out (coming out of a blackout naked on the 405), not being able to function the next day; probably getting right back to worse that I was the last time I drank. I really do not want to go through all of that. I know that I can't go through all of that again. I do not think I could return to sobriety after that. I know that everything I have ever done such as working out, dieting, many different diets, etc. that once I stop or go back to be way it was before I have never gone back to that particular thing. Do I want to take a chance on my sobriety _ HELL NO! So this is another saying that I use continually - Think the drink through. TOTALLY.
I read my dear friend's blog today and was appalled that she had been threatened. I know it was not just the DFDU (micky), that asshole, has no sway in this side of the world, but from some of the others. I may not agree with what my friends say or think, I differ with all of them in one way or another. But threaten. Hell No. But I will defend their right to say what they think, live their life, be in attendance while their life is in session, etc. That is their right. That is my right. AND TO HELL WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY.
Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God, My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
  • My Sponsor(Now in physical rehab hosp after three surgeries on his knee)
  • PAM (You should have heard her speak on the 7th)
  • For those of you who still come by even with my absences from the blogosphere.
  • Steve P speaking on Saturday at Lambda
  • Lambda Center
  • People that really care about sobriety.
  • All Y'all

Y'all be pretty now ya heah!


big Jenn said...

You sure are FIRED UP!Hang in there.jeNN

dAAve said...

Oh No!!!
You broke a shoe lace?

Syd said...

Zane, thanks for this. I agree that others have the right to have their opinion...I may not agree but they have that right. But personal attacks are not about opinions. They are all about fear. And personal attacks such as what Pam described are mean. I will defend anyone's right to their opinion but to paraphrase you, let's be pretty about it.

Prayer Girl said...

Hi Zane,

First of all - delighted to see your blog when I got to my computer today.

Second - Ditto, ditto, ditto your blog - I'm right with you, I won't drink NO MATTER WHAT. I was taught the same thing when I first came in. (Took me a while to 'get it', but I did.) I was told, even if your ass is falling off, pick it up and take it to a meeting. I did!

Third - Once I finally got sober for good, one of the gifts God gave me was the ability to 'think the drink through' in a split second. But He gave me another gift, I NEVER think of a drink. He COMPLETELY removed ALL desire for a drink. It's never come back. Thank God.

Fourth - I too defend Pam's right to write exactly as she does. Her words ring with conviction and truth. Do I agree with every word? Who cares? I hate the word shame, BUT - shame on those who would disparage her.


Pam said...

oh my sweet zane man.
If I even hear some one say "she" I just know they are talking about me. Maybe that is the TRUE definition of an alcoholic ;)
My interest has always been the newcomer in the meeting.
Whatever keeps us sober, keeps us sober...but I've heard lots of your story. I have no doubt that God poured his grace all over you.

Scott W said...

You go, gurl!

steveroni said...

Ya know, Zane--I just LOVE to see you get on the AA soapbox...but watch out! One of these people will "accuse" you--of being a Big Book Thumper, etc., etc., etc. Guess I've got a resentment going, too!

I do not recall in reading your article here--OR Pam's, the other ah (2) days--even ONCE that a 'red flag' went up. I believe it's just a fact, that for some of us this is "Life and Death" thing, and for others, it is a way to "make friends and influence people--OR a way to "make a living" etc.
Steve E.

Findon said...

You tell 'em.


Fantastic Zane. I could just picture you in your home, twisting and turning, gurning hatred, fists clenched.

Wonderful post. You're the best

Zanejabbers said...

Hey Grineroni - I'm not really a Big Book Thumper - I've read it more than once, I know what it says. I try not to quote it because I will get one word out of place and someone will always let me know ever so quickly and sometimes not so nicely.

Queenneenee said...

Great post, I take my program seriously. I tell the newcomers-Don't drink no matter what. I wish they all listened to me! I practice it as well and I ALWAYS think of the consequences if I do pick up-so far I have made the right choice.