Friday, December 11, 2009


Turn toward Me and away from anything unlike Me.  Meditations from "Conversations with God, Book 1" page 104

The title of tonight's post is what I would really like to be doing right now.  I am so tired.  I got up in the middle of the night (8:30AM) for me.  But I made my 10 AM meeting and also my 12:15 and then lunch with the guys.  Then I buzzed by Park Plaza Hospital to visit Joe and they had just given him some meds that were knocking him out plus his seventh pint of blood.  I left him sleeping and came home.  Mamie and Petey were glad to see me. 

Then came the news hour and the headline of the 11th Tiger Tramp surfacing, and #2 denying that she is a prostitute or EXCUSE ME an escort.  A good headline could have been Tiger Tart Trumps the Tramps.  And now he's taking an indefinite leave of absence from professional golf to spend time with his wife and kids.  Seems to me he's taking leave from the wrong "Profession."  In a way I'm reminded of my Father, he went from woman to woman to woman and even married ten of them, my Mother being # 2.  When I was 4 maybe 5 yers old Dad toook my mother's best friend, Algerita Johnson and I up by the state prison in Rawlins.  Dad told me to sit in the front seat and be still and not move because one of the guards might shoot me.  Then he and Algerita got in the back seat and made noises I had never heard before and I just knew we were all going to be shot.  Later in life Dad got sober, married #10, and had quit his philandering and had 25 years of sobriety under his belt at his death..  But to me the one thing he did with Algerita puts all the crap Tiger, Clinton, Letterman, and others of that ilk in the shade.  What he did to me that day has to trump whatever they did.  They did not scare the HELL of their child.  Wow, I just realilzed what a resentment I have over this.  Well, one more ring comes off the onion.  I now have a resentment to caste out.  I know I can do it, I've done heavier ones than this, but not much.  I do know though that I will work through this with prayer, determination and using the tools that I have gotten as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.  When I started my post tonight I had no idea I would wind up with this.  Tomorrow I will wake up and will have left this behind me.  So I guess the lession here, is for me to realize how the wreckage of my father's past has haunted me, how it pops up from time to time, and that I can move through it and come out the other side and remain sober.  I know I'm not the first one to go through this kind of stuff, but I am the one that experienced this wreckage.  I will not claim that this is the reason I drank, I drank because I like it, a small part of it might have been an escape mechanism, but I'm the one that ordered the drink, paid for it, and knew the consequences.  Man, I am so fortunate not to live like that any more.  Sobriety Rocks.

Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • 2 great meetings today
  • friends
  • All y'all . 
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!


dAAve said...

What kind of car was it?

big Jenn said...

Zane, everybody has a story and we all have to make peace with those stories the best we can. I had to have lots of help with mine.
I feel good about understanding how it all played out in my life now.
It's funny how things will pop up like that.jeNN

Zanejabbers said...

dAAve, it was a fucking Tonka toy.
I dunno, probably a Chrysler, that's what he sold mostly.

Prayer Girl said...

How wonderful sobriety is that allows us to reach one of those very inner rings of the onion and know what the heck to do with it. Beautiful.

Thanks for the post.


Steve E said...

Zane, your honesty gets more honest year after year...and I've only known you for maybe 18 months..grin!

What in interesting textbook uncovering of a resentment. Thanks for sharing, man.

Syd said...

Zane, my father did a few things to scare the hell out of me. I didn't get to make living amends but made amends nonetheless. We don't choose our family members and most all of us have character defects that will hurt others. I'm glad that you got this one out in the open. Life is indeed good today.