Storms,Powerless, MRI, Panic,

March 26 - So long as you entertain the notion that there is something or someone else out there "doing it" to you, your disempower yourself to do anything about it. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 36

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Crack. Boom, Flashes of light and rain and hail and....

Rosalie called me today about the tornadoes that touched down in Spring (?) last night. Told her not to my knowledge but we did have basketball sized hail. "Basketball?" she asked. I asked what made you say basketball? She said well that's what you said. I don't remember that but hell, who knows what I might have said. Basketball size? Can you imagine the amount of damage those things could do. Why they would have to weigh 25 lbs. No I have not been drinking or anything like that. Just oldspeak I guess.

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Anyway we lost power for a few minutes, and it came and went for a couple of hours, so I just unplugged by computer and went to bed. I did not want the cmptr to become a surge victim. I plugged it back in after 6:30 tonight.

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Had my MRI this afternoon. My appointment was a 2 PM. It was supposed to be an open MRI and the technician told me it was an oversized MRI machine. Well, in I went and about 10 minutes into the MRI I went into a panic, could not breathe and my chest felt like I had an elephant sitting on it. They got me right out and I was wet with sweat. I have never had anything like that happen before. So thirty minutes later I was given and open MRI. Now the difference is huge. I got though the first 25 minutes fine. Then they gave me the contrast dye via needle and I finished the last 10 minutes with ease. I don't know what happened on the first one, I've had MRI's before. But all's well that ends well. It rained like a sun of a gun while I was at the image place. I mean it poured. I got home at 6:30. That's one more test, done, and over with.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer.
• My Sponsor.
• Not throwing a brick at my TV while an 89 year old woman is singing PLAYMATE and playing a F%$#%$ accordion. (My grandmother hated an accordion.) I thought the only thing that could be played on one of those was "Lady of Spain."
• Getting through the day.
• Not having to drive in today's downpour.
• Not wanting to drink after the MRI experience

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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Just stuff, Knowing, And Gratitude

March 24 - If you think your life is about doingness, you do not understand what you are about. Your soul doesn't care what you do for a living--and when your lif is over, neither will you. Your soul cares only about what you're being while you're doing whatever you're doing. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 170

Hi, you bunch of blogging alkies. How the hell are ya tonight?Not a whole lot going on these days. I finally got an appointment for my brain MRI and the carotid ultra-sound. It's only taken 3 weeks to get the appointment. A case of Dr. office and lab pointing fingers at each other about who dropped the ball. I got a finger for 'em. Oooooops. Can't be doing that, but I can let it cross my mind. Un huh un huh, that's the way I like it. Heh heh. I wonder if they will find any almonds, macadamias, walnuts, pecans, or brazil nuts. I know there is a brain up there, at least that's what the previous MRI's have shown. I shall see on Thursday at 2PM.

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I saw an incredible movie today starring Nick Cage. He's one of my faves. I will have to add this movie to my list of favorites. The movie is KNOWING. Friday's reviews gave it a 4 star review. I do not think they over rated it at all. It was an edge of seat keeper type of movie. It left me with a feeling of peace.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor (coming along)
• My right eye
• Being sighted
• Enjoying life while it's in session
• Prediction of rain for the next two days(we still need it)
• Having what I need and accepting it for what I want.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

More Gratitude

March 23 - Health will improve almost at once when worrying ends. Meditations from "Conversations with God Book 1" page 188

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor (His knee is healing nicely)
• My right eye
• being sighted
• Sat nite dinner with John and Daave
• A good friend did one hell of a Speaker job at Lambda's Sat night speaker meeting. Go Dianna M.
• Not Freaking out when she went out of focus 1/2 way though her talk. I just listened and was grateful I could hear.
• Today's Eye Dr. appointment was rescheduled for 4/6/09 and I did not flip out.
• The serenity I have right now.
• A good day with Joe yesterday. That man has come a long way since Karl passed in May. It's a good case of Faith in action.
• All Y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Just a BLORG, My Dears, Just a Blorg.

You must live the promise of God. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" - page 75

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Hi, alkies.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my loving OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor (taking meeting to his hospital room in AM)
• My Right Eye
• Being Sighted
• Memories of Good Times
• Today
• Lambda
• Friends
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Gratitude today

March 18 - This is My plan for you. This is My ideal: that I should become realized through you. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1", page 43.

God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that thought God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward. Alcoholics Anonymous, page 133

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The above quote from the BB was left on my blog comments by Scott W. Thanks Scott. A very good thing for all of us to keep in mind. With that statement, I'm moving on to other things.

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I noticed in reading my last two blogs that I left a very important item off of my gratitude lists. MY RIGHT EYE. I saw the eye doc Monday week a go and she said it appears that the left eye edema is improving. That was great news. I also told her that I could now see the TV Screen and the colors are quite vivid. Concurred that was a good sign. I go back this coming Monday for an exam and update. The quality of sight in my left eye improves throughout the day but wanes at night. Probably from being tired. This gives me hope. Right now she can stick all the needles or whatever is needed to be done NOW. Patience is not one of my virtues. I just have to remember that it is all in God's time, not mine. Man I'm repeating that a lot these days. I close my prayers with "let thy will, not mine, be done."

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power.
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer.
• My Sponsor whom I visited today and he is coming along quite well. Friday we are taking a meeting to his hospital room.
• My Right Eye
• Being Sighted
• Hearing Betty share her experience, strength, and hope at the 12:15 Lambda Wednesday Speaker Meeting.
• Lunch and fellowship following the meeting
• Good faithful friends.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Not in the 164 - BIG SOAPBOX!

March 17 - By their decisions your religions have created lasting, indelible impressions. By their decisions your societies have produced their self-portraits, too. Are you pleased with these pictures? Are these the impressions you wish to make? Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 154

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Hi you bunch of blogging alkies. Happy St. Patrick's Day to you. This is my 18th sober St. Patrick's Day. Of course back in the day everyday was a reason of some other to drink. I am so thankful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I have lived with since Jan 20, 1992. I pray on a daily basis for God to help me stay sober today and I end the day with a prayer of thanks for one more day of sobriety.

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The program is very simple, follow the suggestions of the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I am and always have been amazed at the crap that I hear in meetings and read on some blogs about this and that being the way to stay sober in AA, yet if you read the first 164, you will not find some of this babbling crap in the book. I am talking about prescription drugs that are prescribed by a responsible physician. You can read the big book frontwards, backwards, up-side down, and right side up and you will not find a reference to taking prescription drugs as prescribed. One would not be taken to task for taking blood pressure meds, diabetes medicine, etc. But drugs for major depression, bi-polar conditions, anxiety and panic attacks and some of those self appointed GURUs of AA still are spouting that if you take these you are not sober.

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GURUs please stop spouting this bullshit. I wish there was a record of the people with legitimate mental problems that have stopped their meds and have died or have had to go back to an institution because of being told by these GURUs that they are not sober because they are taking - HORRORs - psych drugs. That have been told that if it affects you above the throat, it is off limits. Thank God the heart, pancreas, liver, and other organs are not in the head. We would have a lot of people on the wrong side of the ground because of these so called GURUs and the crap they espouse.

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I know of what I speak due to personal experience. At 3 years sober, I attended an AA convention in Los Angeles and took in a workshop about meds and AA. The woman that was the facilitator talked about mental drugs and pain pills. That anything stronger than an aspirin was against AA and sobriety. This was a woman that I had heard in meetings and whom I held in high esteem. So what did I do. I followed the advice of this lady with absolutely no medical background and stopped taking my meds. I damned near died. I wanted to kill myself again. Station KFUK was making sense again, and I was a mess. My regular doctor was quite concerned and I told him what I was doing. Needless to say, I went back on my meds and sanity, sanity I say, returned to my life. I did not need to change my sobriety date. My sponsor also was not very happy with me.

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So to those of you who do not have mental illnesses, going through surgery, or what ever the legitimate reason for taking prescribed drugs as prescribed, please shut the fuck up. It is the so called self appointed GURUs such as you that are killing us. So give it a REST.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD schnauzer
• My sponsor.
• The program of Alcoholics Anonymous as suggested in the first 164 pages of the BB.
• That I can now wait 24 hours after getting pissed off to rant about something that pisses me off.
• Friends like Daave, Scott W. and Pam
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

My Soap Box - GRRROWL.

March 16 - Killing can never be justified as a means of expressing anger, releasing hostility, "righting a wrong" or punishing an offender. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 151

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Hi, you bunch of alkies. I've been reading along these past few days just have not felt like writing or commenting. Yep, from some of the postings I know I am reading the words of a bunch of sick, recovering alcoholics just like me. I say recovering because this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and if I dared to say recovered, then I fear would be setting up a major attack and I just don't want to do that. I also want to say that what I write on my bog is my thoughts, opinions, experience, strengths and hope. I write them to share with those that want to read me. Whether you like what I write is none of my business. Yeah right. Now if I could just Really believe that, but I'm a hell of lot closer to it than I used to be. And that is just SPIRITUAL PROGRESS not PERFECTION.

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Two of the things that are sayings I use over and over and were written about by Pammie on 03-09-09. God Bless her, she really gets a point across. And she makes me think when she goes off. And of course being a bit paranoid I sometimes feel that she is writing about me. Yep ME. It's all about me. I'm the center of her thoughts - she leases me space in her head or is it the other way around. Who the hell cares. I'm getting the point across. Pammie is my friend, and I know she would never attack me, if I choose to feel attacked, that is my loss. Anyway I want to speak to the two issues that have me fired up a bit.

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Don't Drink No Matter What. My 1st sponsor drummed this into my head. And it's worked for me for 17 years and change. His and now my thoughts behind this are that if I am serious about being sober, about being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous that I don't drink no matter what. If I feel like I want to drink I should have the tools to not do it. Those tools are found in the first 164 pages of the BB. I mean if my ass is falling off, I've lost my job (6 mos sober it happened), deaths of dear friends or other loved ones, ill health (1 heart attack, a few strokes, kidney stones, major depression, anxiety, panic attacks, my life threatened by an employee, attack by another employee) etc. I will not drink over them. Not even if I break my fucking shoe lace. The point is I will not drink if I keep myself spiritually fit, follow other suggestions from the BB, Sponsor, stick with the winners, and just really fill up my tool box, I will not drink no matter what.

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Think the drink through. To me this means thinking the drink through from the time I order it thorough it being poured into the glass, feeling it as it goes down my throat (warm fuzzy feeling), and enjoying it to the last drop. But wait, I can't have just one. 32 years of drinking and 17 years of sobriety have taught me that I cannot have just one, it will always ALWAYS be followed by another and another and another until I am in a state of incomprehensible demoralization; including a black out (coming out of a blackout naked on the 405), not being able to function the next day; probably getting right back to worse that I was the last time I drank. I really do not want to go through all of that. I know that I can't go through all of that again. I do not think I could return to sobriety after that. I know that everything I have ever done such as working out, dieting, many different diets, etc. that once I stop or go back to be way it was before I have never gone back to that particular thing. Do I want to take a chance on my sobriety _ HELL NO! So this is another saying that I use continually - Think the drink through. TOTALLY.

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I read my dear friend's blog today and was appalled that she had been threatened. I know it was not just the DFDU (micky), that asshole, has no sway in this side of the world, but from some of the others. I may not agree with what my friends say or think, I differ with all of them in one way or another. But threaten. Hell No. But I will defend their right to say what they think, live their life, be in attendance while their life is in session, etc. That is their right. That is my right. AND TO HELL WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor(Now in physical rehab hosp after three surgeries on his knee)
• PAM (You should have heard her speak on the 7th)
• For those of you who still come by even with my absences from the blogosphere.
• Steve P speaking on Saturday at Lambda
• Lambda Center
• People that really care about sobriety.
• All Y'all

Y'all be pretty now ya heah!

A Day Late, But Not A Dollar Short

March 5 - It is when the going gets though that you so often forget Who You Are, and the tools I have given you for creating the life that you would choose. Meditations from "Conversations With God - Book 1"

page 116

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Hey y'all. Well now I could sure have used the above quote yesterday while I was on my pity pot. I guess it's just a good example of not leaving 5 minutes before the miracle. Who'd a thunk!

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I'm in the midst of making a list of things that have happened since January 20, 1992 that I have not drank over. It's not a real long list, just a list of things that happen while life is in session. I like that - Life Is In Session. There was a group in Los Angeles by that name, it was an off shoot of the Pacific group. I admired the camaraderie that the group exhibited on a continual basis. I have never seen it in another group. If you were moving, the fellowship showed up and moved you. If you were in your first year, they were with you on the significant dates.If you needed assistance around your place, they helped with that also. I just really thought they had a great thing going. It was a total support group. Funny how a string of thoughts move you to a subject to mention.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer, extra special last two days.
• My sponsor. (No news - voicemail only)
• Movies
• Miracle - my money lasted from one month to the other with a bit of a cushion. I'm so glad I got rid of all my credit cards.
• Tomorrow is double dip meeting day.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Just Another Fing Day

March 4 - No prayer-- and a prayer is nothing more than a fervent statement of what is so--goes unanswered. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 12

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Today is just a funky, low balled day. After the past few days, wham, the good feelings have been replaced by depression. Like a y0-yo, up one day and down the next. But it just doesn't matter if I'm up or down, I'm sober. And I am committed to sobriety like I am committed to breathing. I wish on a daily basis that I would stop breathing, I get so tired of life, life on life's terms and all that crap. But that is not up to me, so I face each day with what it brings and get through it sober. If I weren't sober I would surely die, but I do not want to go like that. I may be miserable, but I never want to experience the misery, the complete demoralization that I felt when drinking. That awful incomprehensible demorilization that I lived or rather existed in for 32 years. I will die one of these days, unfortunately it will be in God's time, not mine. And by being sober it makes it easier. It won't get better than that.

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Gratitude list:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD schnauzer
• My sponsor
• My right eye.
• being sighted.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Just Gratitude

March 3 - Worry is the activity of a mind which does not understand its connection with Me. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 188.
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Today I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor (had procedure on his knee today)
• My Right Eye
• Left eye about the same.
• Good session with my Psychiatrist. Yep, I'm still sick.
• Endocrinologist very happy with my blood sugar. However, sending me for a brain scan for my unsteady gait. Current symptoms suggest another stroke. Ho-Hum.
• The gratitude is for still functioning on a high level.
• Being ok with a blort.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Eye Dr. Rescheduled.

March 2 - If humans do not change some of their Sponsoring Thoughts, humankind could doom itself to extinction. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 164

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Hey y'all. No eye doctor today. My appointment was rescheduled for next Monday. It's just one more week of uncertainty, but I can make it. Don't like it, just have to accept it and move on.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor (Talked to today - in good spirits - is okay about tomorrow. He is a inspiration.)
• Those that read my Blong today.
• The support and inspiration I get from the blogs I read. I'm glad y'all are there.
• A wonderful weekend that just ended. It was a rare weekend with a joyous feeling in everything I did.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Oh Yoo Hoo. Answering Telephone. Eyes.

March 1 - You say it is difficult to walk the path of Christ, to follow the teachanges of the Buddha, to hold the light of Krishna, to be a Master. Yet I tell you this: It is far more difficult to deny Who You Are than to accept it.Meditations - "Conversations with God, Book 1" page 86

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Oh Yoo Hoo, ya bunch of Alkies, I'm posting today. Well nothing shook with that announcement. Oh,okay.

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Pam got me thinking about answering the telephone with Saturday's post. I used to be a phone hound. I was on it all day at work, and then on personal calls at home. When call holding came to be, I was in heaven, I could never miss a call then. And then came voicemail. I absolutely hated answering machines, but finally gave in and had Vic hook me up with one. Then when I was "bought out at IBM" I subscribed to PacBell's voicemail. Now this was just great - I never missed a call, the number of messages was unlimited. And no one could get a busy signal when calling me. I did this mostly so that I would not miss a call from a prospective employer. So here I am, call hold, call forward, non-miss voicemail, now if I could just afford a "Car Phone" as they were call in the earlier days I would have it covered. Oh and home copiers and faxes were not on the horizon yet. (1991-1994).

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Slowly I started to become a "I'll answer it if I want to type". I was still on the phone a lot at work doing telephone interviews with prospective employees. After weeding out those that did not measure up, I made appointments for the qualified. So all day I was either talking on the phone, in a face to face interview with medical, administrative, contractors, mental health practitioners, or whatever the available position was. It seemed like I talked 42 hours a day. And when I got home, the last thing I wanted to do was chat. So I'd come home change, go to an AA meeting, go out for fellowship, laugh my ass off, get my batteries charged, and found the strength to go to the next day sober. Repeat of this day went on forever.

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1999 I got a cell phone and I was then available 24/7 - my job required it. I was not only Director of Human Resources, but also the whizkid on our new telephone system at work. I oversaw the installation, drew up the plans for where each extension would be located in each office or workstation. I had 24 manuals on how to operate the system, how to get the most out of it with reports, who got how many calls, what number they called, track all calls on each employee to be sure they did not spend a lot of time on personal calls, which receptionist was not answering their fair share of the incoming calls, etc. The owner was a stickler on this shit. I got this assignment because she thought it came under my list of duties "to ensure employees followed all company guidelines as to performance and all that shit. Now when I got home, the last thing I wanted to do was yak on a fucking phone. I started hating it at work. I wanted to get an axe and chop up the system at work, or throw it out the 4th floor window when it became problematic. I hated it when the phone rang at some UNGODLY hour of the nite or AM and I had to go troubleshoot. I finally figured out how to do this from home via the FUCKING PHONE. Finally I got a call ID phone at home and this was a GodSend.

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After I was medically retired from the home health company, I actually really began using caller id. Then I moved to Texas.

Moved into my home in Spring. Had a phone in every room except the toilets. (I have a dear friend that takes his phone to the bathroom with him so he won't miss a call. I occasionally get him mid-business and he always says I'll call when I finish. I always ask "Finish What". He graphically tells me. No it is not Daave) I draw the line at that. If I'm in the Bathroom I certainly do not want to share my sounds with someone on the phone.

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Within the last two years, the phone in the other two bedrooms have gone into drawers. I have turned the phone off in my bedroom. I can see it ring, as it lights up. But I do not know of a phone call important enough to awaken me. Now if my sister is not doing well, I will turn it on. Thank God, the last two years have been good to her healthwise. I now keep my cellphone with me at all times in case I fall. But I no longer jump at the sound of the phone ringing. If it is important, a message will be left. If I am close to my main phone I can tell if I need to answer it if I can get to it in 4.5 rings. If it is someone who is in recovery, I will answer or call them right back if a message is left or not, caller id now tells me who called period.

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I do enjoy a short (less than 5 minute) chat with my friends sometimes can go on for quite longer but usually no need to do so. My "friends" know this and do not have a problem with it. My friend MR.Telephonepants (thanks Pam) does get frustrated with me at times, especially when we are talking and I get an incoming call he has to tell me I am missing a call and I just tell him no, I'm not missing, I will call them back, I do not miss calls, I just choose when to answer. He cannot understand this, but he's sort of adjusted to it. And I no longer get frustrated when I call a friend and I get their voicemail or whatever. I leave a message and they will get back to me when they get back to me. I no longer feel the need to be plugged in all the time. And it is my choice. I love the freedom, but I practice it responsibly. I do not wait hours or days to check. I still "need" to see who called and check the message to be sure it is not imperative for an immediate callback. This is one of the freedoms I have found with my sobriety and I ain't gonna give it up.

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Tomorrow is my eye day. I find out if I get the injections in my eye. I'm pretty sure due to the distortion in shapes that I will have to have it. Thanks for feed back from some of you I am no longer in fear of this. THANKS Y'ALL. However, I can report that what I do see is very sharp, just not shaped correctly or it has a blot in the middle of it. So I shall see what is down the pike. I know God has given and will continue to give me the strength to get through this. I know that this is not a threat to my sobriety. I live with the Sober No Matter What attitude. It just won't get much better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor (in the hospital with an infected knee - 1 surgery down, one to go this Tuesday, keep him in your prayers - he'd probably hit me for this, he is an atheist, but I'm not soooooooooo)
• Fridays meeting at Daave's.
• Fridays Lambda 12:15
• Saturdays Birthday night at Lambda. Lots of friends took chips from 1 year to 33 years. It was a great meeting.
• Saturday and Sunday visits with my sponsor.
• Today with Joe as we cooked Tortilla Soup and made Chicken Enchiladas.
• That we worked well together in the kitchen without using the knives on each other.
• The cold weather - I'll wish for more in June - Sept.
• It's bedtime. (I love my bed.)
• My personal comforts.
• All Y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.