Just simply Hi.

January 31 - You are goodness and mercy and compassion and understanding. You are peace and joy and light. You are forgiveness and patience, strength and courage, a helper in time of need, a comforter in time of sorrow, a healer in time of injury, a teacher in times of confusion. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1", page 121

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Hi my alkie friends, how the hell are you? The above sounds like it could have come from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is amazing, to me, how much there is written on how to live a good life. But nothings beats living life in service and in sobriety. I thank God for that everyday.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie My OCD Schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My Right Eye (thanks for the reminder PG)
• Love and support from my fellow bloggers
• A conversation with Rosalie last Sunday, not a good one, but it's a start.
• Tonight's Lambda Birthday Night Celebration
• 35 Celebrants and 452 years.
• That I was not one to take 10 minutes plus to express my thanks for my sobriety. However, I did have a list to thank from A - Z starting with AAron AArdvaark. I stopped at that.
• Two of the one year celebrants shared my date of 1-20-xx.
• All y'all.

HUMOR:

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical Recliners
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald .

Signs Of Menopause:

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

You have to write post-notes with your kids' names on them.

You change you underwear after a sneeze

OLD IS WHEN:

Going Bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot

An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

AND REMEMBER

Never, ever, ever, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

The Eye Is Dim, THe Eyes are Bright.

January 22 - I will do nothing for you that you will not do for your self. That is the law and the prophets. Meditations from "Conversations With God - Book 1" page 36.

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Hey there my alkie friends. How the hell are ya. Something I forgot on my post for January 20. But then I guess I was supposed to forget it, because that post was about recovery. The forgotten item was that this Jan 20 marked the end of the first year since my left eye started to hemorrhage. I've had my ups and downs with it all year. This past Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have been the worst it has been as far as my vision goes. The vitreous gel is just so cloudy with blood that I cannot make out any letters, numbers or make out what I am looking at. I can see color and some shapes but I cannot identify it. However, my right Eye is perfect. Hence today's title.

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I had an appointment with the retinologist today. She told me the eye is progressing like it should. It is responding to the drops and should be clearing in the next few weeks. That was good news to me, I had just given up on the eye and was preparing my self to be one-eyed. I still have peripheral vision in that eye which is good for driving. So Right NOW, my right eye is doing most of the work. Tonight, as the dilation is wearing off, I can see a bit more out of the left eye. All I can do right now, it pray and just let it take its course. I have to remember it is in God's time, not mine. At this particular time I sure as hell do not like that, but I have to accept it. 417/449 are really getting a workout.

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So I guess like the program of AA is a we program, so it is with the eyes right now. I do know this though, that if I was not sober I would not have the positive attitude I have to pray for daily. I would be crying in my scotch, tequila, etc, etc., etc. I've learned in this program that my God does not give me more than I can carry. He carries me when I can't carry myself. I also thank God for the sponsors he has sent my way. I also know that no matter what, I will not drink over anything. That is just my Faith. And it won't get any better than that.

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Tonight I am Grateful for:

• God my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• Tomorrow is double dip day
• Seeing Gloria Gaynor tomorrow night
• All of the above
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty, now ya heah.

17 Years Today

January 20 - No one who has attained mastery is dull. Unusual, perhaps. Extraordinary, perhaps. But never dull. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 78

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Wouldn't it be great to be able to say "I have mastered Sobriety." Yeah Right. But it would be nice. Very Nice. Just think - no more meetings, no more mingling with a bunch of recovered drunks, no more crazy people, no more thanking God for another day of sobriety. Nope I think not. I like my meetings, my bunch of recovered drunks, crazy people, and that God is working in my life on a regular basis. Yeah, I'll keep it like it is.

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17 years ago today as I was laying there in pain with the ole body just throbbing I was remembering my decision from the night before. I thought well, I'll find out where a meeting is tomorrow. The next day, I thought hell no not today, I'm still sick as hell. I think I was really trying to renege on my word to myself. But the next day, Wednesday January 22, 1992 I called the San Bernardino Central Office and inquired about a meeting. I asked if it was ok to "audit" a meeting to be sure it was what I wanted to do. I asked how long I could "audit." I was told if I wanted to check it out I was certainly welcome. So I got the address for the Mountain Club in Running Springs. I went to the 8 PM meeting.

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I sat outside in my car, debating with me, myself, and I whether I was going in before the meeting started or just slip in after it had started. I decided to go in before. As I got out of my car, this guy got out of his truck and started to walk up to the door. He reached out his hand, introduced himself, and said come on in, we've got a fire going. I went in, got a cup of coffee and sat down. The leader said let's have a meeting and they read chapter 5, chapter 3, 12 traditions and then asked if anyone was new. I raised my hand and was asked to give my name and the nature of my disease. This voice said, My name is Zane and I'm an alcoholic. Then I told my story. I mean I told my story. No one tried to stop me. When I finished, they clapped and I thought, oh, I'm a hit, I'll have to come back. At the end of the meeting, several men gave me their phone numbers and told me to keep coming back. I later learned that the clapping after each share is a Southern California tradition and is not done on a state or national basis. I did keep coming back. I did 2 - 4 meetings a day for at least the first two years. I got a sponsor. Those people figured out I was gay, but loved me anyway. I did the steps with my sponsor. He crammed into my head "You Don't Drink No Matter What." I saw people go through all kinds of things and they DDNMW. That is probably the best part I have learned in my 17 years of continuous sobriety. I've learned a lot of other stuff, I had no problem with a Higher Power. Mine is God.

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I've had to live life of life's terms. I've been through all kinds of up and downs, professionally, health issues, and deaths of close friends. But I have never found it necessary to have a drink. I learned to think the drink through. And I have done that - and by the time I think that drink through I have become totally shit-faced and back where I started. I know from my history that I cannot have a drink. At the end, I was a quart a day of scotch or tequila plus at least a bottle of wine. And I do not ever want to repeat that. I am content to live a sober life, practice the principles of AA in all my affairs, have a daily spiritual contact with my God, and wake up in the morning remembering what I did the day before. If I am forgetful, it is because of age, not a hangover. And you know what, it just keeps getting better. Try it, You'll like it.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My sponsor
• Scott W. did the chips at the 12:15 and was a bit sly when he asked does anyone have 17 years TODAY.
• A friend treated me and others to lunch today
• Daave was there also.
• Lots of Happy Birthdays from my blogger buddies.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

My Last drunk was 17 Years AGO today, tomorrow will mark my first day of 17 years of sobriety.

January 19 - By your decisions you paint a portrait of Who You Are. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 154

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I am so thankful that the decision I made on January 19, 1992 that I had to stop my drinking and go to AA for help. The decisions I made before that one certainly painted a portrait of who I WAS. I had no idea of what the portrait of Who I Am would look like. I cannot think of another quote that so represents that day 17 years ago.

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I started my day on January 19, 1991 with a monstrous hangover from a drinking binge I had started three days earlier. I had no inkling of the decision I would make before the sun set that would totally change my life. I know now that this was God letting me set myself up for that decision. I was in San Diego for a long weekend of partying and fun and sure as hell did just that. Even though I was hung over it was time for me to head for Los Angeles because my Motorcycle Club was hosting a beer bust from 4 PM until 7PM and I was President and my attendance was mandatory. So off I went, in my LeBaron convertible, with the top down on a very chilly day. I had the windows up and the heater going.

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About 1 PM I was coming out of a blackout on the 405 out by Los Angeles International Airport. NUDE. My clothes were on the floorboard. I have no idea how I got that way but pulled off the freeway and redressed. How in the hell I got my boots off I will never know, they were hard to get off with out the boot jack. Anyway, I pulled on my jeans sans undies, put on my boots sans socks, and that was the extent of the clothes that had survived with the top down. Hell, they might be on somebodys side mirrors now. I opened the trunk, put on a clean T-shirt and my uniform shirt over it. Thank goodness I had the foresight not to have worn my leather jacket from San Diego. I put my overlet on over my jacket and got in the car and resumed my drive into Griff's Bar on Melrose in LA. I got there about 2 PM and immediately ordered a double tequilla on the rocks with a touch of margarita mix and downed it. Ordered another. That was the drill for the rest of the day. I also had a hamburger as Griff's served Hamburgers and Hotdogs on Sundays. The beer bust started and needless to say I was quite shit-faced by 4 PM. About 4:30 Vic (my ex) and his new boyfriend (the homewrecker) arrived. I was not amused. Stayed out on the patio with the rest of my club and another 100 or so drunks. All close friends at the moment of course.

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A little while later I wondered back into the bar and stopped and was talking to a friend when Don (the homewrecker) walked up and joined us. He made a few derogatory remarks about my drunkenness and I retorted by saying that at least I could afford to buy my own drinks and anything else I wanted. He took exception to that remark and gve me a little shove. With that I just popped him right in the mouth. Just as fist made contact with teeth - my mind screamed at me I was becoming violent just like my much hated stepfather. The next thought was OMG - I'm going to lose Vic's friendship and I needed to get help. Those two thoughts were in just an instance as someone grabbed me and someone else grabbed Don and pulled us apart. He never did get to punch me back. I also thought oh shit- I just hit a man that is 6 ft 3 in and weighed 350 or so pounds. I'm Toast. Vic came up about that time to defend Don but was quickly told that Don had pushed me and I was defending myself. Vic then started yelled at Don as he and another guy dragged Don out of the bar. My friends then took me out on the patio and I sat at the bar next to Griff. Griff set me up for all the drinks I wanted to because I finally found my balls and pounded Don. Sounded fine to me, but the thoughts I had at fist impact still resonated in my head. About 7:30 we were leaving the bar, I was poured into the passenger seat in my car, and Tom, not as drunk as I was, drove me over to his and Billy's house. There was about a dozen of us over there. I remember arriving there, I remember crying, I remember wanting more tequilla, and then I woke up or came to around 2 AM. Tom and Billy were there with me and they fed me. I cried some more. I left about 10 AM that Monday - to drive back to Running Springs where I was living.

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I stoped several times to vomit, bought some big gulps and made the 105 mile drive home. I was in bed by 2PM and stayed there until 01-22-92. I hurt like I had never hurt before. Mostly emotional but it felt like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I fixed several pitchers of frozen orange juice and that was all I had for the next two days. It was so cold and just what I needed. I have not had a drink of alcohol since we left Griff's around 7:30 on January 19, 1992. My first day of Sobriety was January 20, 1992 and I am sober today only through the grace of God, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the mentoring of my first second third and fourth Sponsors. I did what was suggested. I followed direction. God knew what he was doing when he struck me sober at that time, if I had continued to drink, I would not have lived through the next year. It is 17 years later and I am still sober. And it just keeps getting better.

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Tonight I am Grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, My OCD Schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My suppport group
• Sharing my 17th year of sobriety with Barack Obama's inauguration.
• The blessing of humor.
• All y'all

Y'all be Pretty now, ya heah.

Mamie and Sauerkraut and a couple of other things.

January 15 - You can know yourself to be generous, but unless you do something which display generosity, you have nothing but a concept. You can know yourself to be kind, but unless you do someone a kindness, you have nothing but an idea about yourself. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 22

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Tuesday night I fixed me some sauerkraut and polish sausage. I have not had that in a long time. Now I remember why. But it sure was good while eating. The phone rang and I went over to answer it, when I got back my half empty plate was empty and in the middle of the table. OMG. Mamie ate sauerkraut. Now we all know dog farts are terrible, but just feed your dog sauerkraut. The covers billowed on one side of the bed or the other all night long. I wanted to put her OUTdoors, but I was afraid the HazMat team would be called. The paint was peeled back in the bedroom and I am out of room deodorizer. Sheeze, what a night.

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When I got home from today's movie, I had a voicemail from an old high school friend of mine. Madeline called to bring me up to date on our 50th High School Reunion which is April 25, 2009. I called her back, we had a lot of laughs, and now I am on the Reunion Committee. I have not been to any of the previous reunions, but am now looking forward to this one. I have reconnected with several of my old friends via classmates.com. Madeline and I have kept in touch for years, although for about 30 years we were out of touch. Geez, I was 17 when I graduated from High School, I will be 17 years in AA this Jan 20, so it has to be Devine Providence that I will celebrate 17 years in the year of my 50th HS reunion. I think.

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Yesterday on my way to the movie, there were these two teenagers in a yellow Ford Ranger that were beside me on the road. After a while, the driver pulled over into my lane and damned near hit me. about a block further up we came to a stop light. The window on the yellow truck went down, but I was in another lane. Then the young man got out of his truck, and yelled apologies to me. My God, a teenager with manners. I wish I could thank his parents for doing a good job of bring him up. Amazing.

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None of the above has a damned thing to do with AA accept that sometimes life on life's terms can be a thing of beauty and amazement. Those were great God Shots and I'm glad I caught them. What a difference a day makes. I'm so glad I'm sober so that I could fully enjoy these moments. It just does not get much better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD and fartful Schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• Tomorrow is double dip day
• Old friends
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Another Day

January 14 - The soul--your soul--knows all there is to know all the time. There is nothing hidden to it, nothing unknown. Yet knowing is not enough. The soul seeks to experience. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 22

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"Depression hurts. Depression hurts everywhere. Depression hurts everyone." pharmaceutical companies TV ad.

Hi my alkie friends. Today is a short day, not in time, just in what I could accomplish within the boundaries of the day. I did not get around to any one's blog today. So tomorrow, I have double reading and commenting to follow up with. So I hope none of you do like I do - get my undies in a knot because someone fails to make a comment on my blog. After all, it is all about me - RIGHT? WRONG! It's just that sometimes my paranoia tells me just that. No comment - not liked. I know better, but when I'm there, it is true. At least for that moment. And that can be a very self induced time of pain. That's why I "have to analyze" what happens. Like what just happened between myself and Rosalie. Then I have to pass it by my sponsor or my psych. Takes time, but it is worth it not to make an ass of myself by causing a scene between me and thee. Now I did not used to be like that.

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In the old days, I would pick up the phone and scream at the so called perpetrator as to why? What did I do? At least I have grown out of that. It's taken a lot of

1. Into Action
2. Solution finding
3. Spiritual progress, not perfection
4. One day at a time

But that is what I have done, one day at a time, for the soon to be 17 years on January 20, 2009. Wow, every four years, inauguration day falls on my sobriety date. Some good, some not so good. But the day has always been SOBER since January 20, 1992. With the help of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, my commitment, and the help on my support system, it will continue. So whether I'm into my "paranoia" or my "depression" or just being normal I have all the above plus in my tool box. The contents of that tool box and the grace of God, my Higher Power, I continue to experience sobriety on a daily basis. It just does not get any better than that.

Tonight I am Grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• little things that remind me of why I am sober
• Lambda
• The "researchers" that come back and remind me it has not changed out there.
• Watching newbies (to sobriety or to Lambda) get involved in service work.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

I'm Here for Today

January 13 - If your values serve you, hold to them. Argue for them. Fight to defend them. Yet seek to fight in a way which harms no one. Harm is not a necessary ingredient in healing. Meditations from "Conversations with God- Book 1, page 62

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Hey there, my alkie friends. How the hell are ya. The past week has not been one of my best, nor has it been one of my worst (close) but it has been a sober week. This THING with Rosalie just has me ripped me from one end to the other. Last night after my prayers, I just had a conversation with God. I asked Him to please bring us back together, I miss my sister, and asked for us to be able to talk. (She has not answered her phone for three week even tho I left loving messages) Today I called again and lo - she answered the phone. Very warm, told me she was quite busy on the shops books, no time to talk, but she loved me. I told her I loved her back. Thank you God for answering my prayer - and so quick. So I kind of felt better and went to the movie and saw Marley and Me. A great movie for Dog Lovers. I left the movie with a warm heart, and looked forward to getting home and Mamie jumping into my arms as I got in the door. I really have so much to be thankful for, that sometimes the Dark just smothers the Light. Today the Light came back. Just a big crack, but it will get bigger. God will see to it that it does. He always has, I just have to give in to the fact that it is in His time, not mine.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• Faith - it leads to solutions.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty Now, ya heah.

Pirate Patch

January 4 - A true Master if not the one with the most students, but one who creates the most Masters. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 114
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At dinner last night Daave and Rick and I discussed my eye and the possibility that I may have to wear an eye patch. Today I got a jovial comment from Akannie about an eye patch and pretending to be a pirate. My take: Me a pirate - Hardee Har Har, maybe a Johnny Depp type pirate but for sure not a blackbeard type. When we were talking last night I commented that my eye patch would be black with a red patch or red with a black patch and of course have several rhinestones. I certainly can't afford diamonds.

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Stop the presses. Stop the world. My scale has informed me that I have broken 300. I now weigh in at 298. Just down 28 pounds for the year. 46's are getting closer.

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On another note, I reconnected this evening with a woman with whom I was in the mental hospital . We haven't talked in 10 years or so, but she recognized my voice immediately. We laughed and giggled a bit. She was one of the bright spots during my "Mental Mergency".

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You all know I love humor, I would rather laugh than cry. Well probably not at a funeral, but afterward would certainly be ok. That's why I love the line on page 132, 16 lines down and 16 lines up - we absolutely insist of having fun. I've probably misquoted it by at least one word but get over it. I think I got the point across. We are not a glum lot. Those are two of the best "NEWS" in the big book. Other than we never have to drink again. It just won't get any better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• Akannie talking humor to my eye situation, LUVED IT.
• Good Movies
• Good Friends
• The weatherman' foul up of yesterday's and today's weather.
• All Y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Goodbye Pity Party

January 3 - I have always been here to help you, I am here now. You don't have to find the answers on your own. You never had to.

Meditations from "Conversations With God - Book 1" page 66

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Hey there, my ALKIE friends. How the hell are you. Just a short post for tonight. I had dinner with Rick and Daave as usual for a Saturday night. My Left eye has deteriorated this week as I had another hemorrhage and I can barely see out it but that my left peripheral vision was ok.. Rick was sitting to my left and I could not make out his face. Daave was sitting across from me and I could see him very well. I commented on this and we exchanged comments. Then the self-induced pity party started. Oh poor me - YOU KNOW THE DRILL. This carried over to Lambda for the speaker meeting.

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I was not showing my emotions but they were really in full force. We then took our seats. Seated in the row of seats was a woman and a man. I knew the woman, but not the man. He had straps across his back. The meeting was not in session yet, and the young man got up an went out of the room. It was at this time I saw him fully and realized the straps were holding on both of his artificial arms. Immediately felt so blessed, I am only having trouble with one eye, this young man had no arms. I wanted to cry for him, I realized I was so damned lucky. This was a real God Shot. My mood changed, and I was so humbled by this revelation. Brought to mind the old saying "I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet."

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my OCD schnauzer

My sponsor.

That I have all of my limbs

That I have all of my digits

God reminding me I will not receive more than I can carry

All y'all

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.