Thursday, February 13, 2008

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Today I need anything that is on acceptance. Page 449/417. I bought two new toilets on Sunday. Designer type, 17" seat height, and they were to be installed today. They delivered them, removed an old one and found a problem. I need a new flange (?) for the guest bath. My bath I need a 10 inch roughout and the one I bought is a 13 inch roughout. Who knew. So SHIT HAPPENS. So the one for my bath is now to be returned and I have to reorder. The guest one is just sitting there and is to be installed at a date to be determined as to installation of a flange. These run about $300.00. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!

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I got an email from my nephew this AM and my sister is in the hospital with pneumonia. Today is her 76th birthday. Bummer for her. She has COPD and has to be very careful with any respiratory problem. Rosalie has the most positive outlook on everything. And it rubs off on me. Even with being sick she does not feel she has the right to complain. I tell her to lighten up on herself and just get better. We are very close.

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I had my double laser treatment in both eyes yesterday. The right one is just fine. I can see better out of the left one but the DR. is not pleased with the progress of the left eye. Gave me more drops for it and I go back in three weeks. She told me I may have to have surgery on the eye to correct the bleedouts. I'm concerned about that, and yes worried, but I am doing my best not to let it get out of hand. It is just another one of those things I have to turn over to God and let him handle it, otherwise I will have the men in the little white coats chasing me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Come to think of it, that is probably the only way I can get a man to chase me these days. That might be the ticket.

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But even with all this shit, I still have my faith, lots of hope, and my sobriety. Tomorrow I will have the same. God has not brought me this far just to let me falter. As long as I put one foot in front of the other, and do the next indicated thing, I will prevail. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but always in God's time, not mine.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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My Higher Power, GOD who is carrying me right now.

My Sobriety, which gives me the strength to use the knowledge of AA.

Dolly, My schnauzer.

My Sponsor, for being an example on how to walk through rough times - SOBER.

Having two feet to put one in front of the other.

A Sponsee that pampered me yesterday.

Loving and caring friends.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Every Heart has its sorrows which the world knows not,
And often time we call a man cold when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Goooooooooooooood Mooooooooorning AAAAAAAAAAAAlkies,
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It's 8:55 AM and I'm on my way to get both eyes lasered. One of my sponsees is driving me. So this will be a quick'n.
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TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
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My Higher Power, GOD.
My Sobriety
Dolly, My Schnauzer
My Sponsor
My Sponsee
Medicare and my IBM insurance.
Serenity.

I have given you nothing shameful, least of all your very body, and its functions. Meditations From "Conversations Wiht God" February 12 P208
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day,
Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Everythings going my way.

Today i really feel like bursting into song, and being the good ole queen that I am wouldn't ya know it would be a show tune. But I can't think of a better song for today.

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TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

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My Higher Power, God, who continually shows me my faith and hope is well founded.

My Sobriety, without it I could not get through some of these days.

Dolly, my Schnauzer, who is giving an extra dollup of love these days.

My Sponsor, for being there when I need direction.

A sponsee that is taking me for my double lazer treatments on Tuesday.

Another friend that would have rearranged his day to accommodate my needs.

Being able to see out of my left eye today, with just a few squiggles of dried blood in the way. Otherwise, I can see clearly now. (Another song)

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Sober Reality. Spirits never lifted ours, but a spiritual program does. God Grant Me The Laughter
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GOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOORning ALKIES!!!!
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Wow. The last two days have been a lesson in acceptance. As you know, I've had a problem with my left eye. Wednesday at 8:30 AM I awoke and glanced at my clock. I saw the outline of the clock and a big red blob where the time is supposed to have been. I mean RED BLOB. I wanted to scream. I knew this meant that I had had another hemhorrage in my left retina. I felt like a dervish going in circles. I called the Dr. and was told to be there by 11. Then I went to my computer and Daave was there on IM. I popped him an IM and he got right back to me. I yelled and fonched and got over my cheap snake act and then paid attention to his reply. He totally understood and told me to scream but to also remember to take the next right action. I told him what I had done and he agreed I had already done that. Daaveis always there. Solid as a rock. I hope I can be there for him if he ever needs it. I then called my sponsor and he assked if I needed a driver. Now this man just had a defibralator installed in his chest and is not supposed to be driving, and I reminded him of this. He said he couldn't drive but would get someone who could. Talk about God working in my life.

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So to the Dr I went. Yep, another bleed out. She told me she would do the planned laser treatment on Thursday. So today, I drove the 32 miles again to my date with the laser. This was a laying down treatment. Took about 40 minutes. I tolerated it much better than I did last Tuesday's treatment. I think a lot of the tollerance for the treatment was due to a lot of praying, and turning the outcome over to God.Because of the length and intensity of the laser treatment, they really deadened the eye. Eye drops and gooop. After the treatment, Dr informed me that on my shced Tuesday treatment that she was going to be doing both eyes. A sort of cleanup of the left eye (a vision of her in my eye with a broom and dustpan invaded my brain) and to treat the right eye. She also told me I would not be able to drive so I would need a driver for the 10:30 appointment. So far, the two people I have asked, are tied up that AM. But I know I will have a someone to drive me, I don't know who yet, but I know that God will provide. FAITH!

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So, then I went to the nooner and got there at 12:30. Another good meeting. Topic was what meetings mean to me. I heard a lot of very good things. I got to share the emotional share of a man soon to celebrate 32 years. Beautiful. Then to lunch and fellowship with a group of 11 or 12. Then home. I was pooped. So I took a much needed 2 hour nap.

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The depression, anxiety, and panic of Tuesday are not present. I know that is because GOD has stepped in and given me the strength and power to get through this time. He has been there for me all my life, I only have to step aside and let Him in. Its one of those three pertinent ideas, That GOD could and would if he were sought.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, My Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

The steady hands of my doctor while performing a laser treatment to my eye.

Encouragement and support from my friends.

I can walk through the fear of what is happening.

My sense of humor has not gone into hiding.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday/Wednesday, February 5/6 2008

Feb 5. Bless every person and condition, and give thanks Thus you affirm the perfection of God's creation_and show your faith in it. For nothing happens by accident in God's world, and there is no such thing as coincidence. Nor is the world buffeted by random choice, or Something you call fate! Meditations from Conversations with God. page 114
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Not a lot to say tonight. Yesterday and today have not been particularly good days for me. Depression, anxiety, and panic have been really busy with me. A lot of it is fear. But I'm getting through it - sober. I know that these are the so called demons that raise their ugly heads and raise havoc in my life. I've had enough experience with these in the past 17 years that I know I will get to the other side. ANd it is faith that gets me there. I have always had faith, but as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, it has been strengthened.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power - GOD

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

A very strong faith.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My idea of Superbowl Sunday is a clean toilet bowl. Maxine.
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I am not in any way, shape, form, or fashion a superbowl fan. There are three BIG superbowl parties going on in my neighborhood right now. OMG. The one directly behind me is the noisiest and the LOUDEST. I am so tired of hearing a chorus of OON OON OON I could shit. Come to think of it sounds like a chorus of people straining to take a dump. And as the day goes on, the voices and the words are shriller, slurred, and about to run me to the movies on a Sunday. Now try to imagine slurring of OON OON OON. Its something like URNT URNTA URINTA. I have my doors windows shut as usual and I can still hear them. It is very unusual to even hear these people so I can't really complain. I just hope and pray that when they all start puking it will be in the bathrooms and not the back yard. ICK!!!!!!!

Lambda Center had it's annual Mardi Gras Parade last night. Pam was there last year. This year the theme was Greek Gods and Goddesses. The closest to the theme was Daave in his shopping cart decorated with a few green grass skirts and a bust of David. Daave had on a DIAPER, a pacifer in his mouth, and some large baby toys hanging on the float. HE WAS JUST A VISION!

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Now I ask you to bear with me but I cannot see the connection to Greek anything with the next two floats, even tho they were good. One was an Incan Temple with the GOD sitting on top surrounded with other INCAN natives in all stages of undress between short short stiff grass skirts, war paint, etc. to one cute Mexican wearing a thong with the front covered with a feather. I googled Greek Incan civilization but nothing came up.

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Next was another krewe, with a shopping cart decorated with a white cloth with a Guy ridning in the cart in a white toga type costume, feathers, and balloons. The rest of the krewe was also in white toga type costumes, with feathers, and other acutramon (sp) and again a good presentation, but I still did not connect it the theme.

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But it did not matter. Everyone was having fun, being crazy, and totally outrageous. The MC's for the evening were a rather large lesbian in a Gold Robe with lots of feathers and a gorgeous mask, and a 6 ft 6 queen decked out as Daisy Duke. Now all of this was Mardi Gras. Lots of beads, Daave threww suckers, and a good time was had for the evening. Lots of Laughter. WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT. WE INSIST ON HAVING FUN. And we did. and we did. SOBER.

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Again the fundraisers, fromerly known as the F'ers and renamed the Lambda Gold Diggers this year, provided a fun and safe evening to be sober in and also raise over $1000.00 for Lambda. It doesn't get much better than that.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, GOD.

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Laughter, Lots of Laughter, Deep Belly Busting Laughter.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday/Saturday, February 1/2, 2008

God is the energy you call imagination. God is creation. God is first thought. And god is last experience. And God is everything in between. Meditations from "Conversations with God." Feb 1
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Your teachers have told you of an angry God, a jealous God, A god who needs to be needed. An that is not a God at all, but a reurotic substitute for that which would be a deity. Conversations with God, Page 114, Feb 2.
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Step Three: Mad a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him. Page 59 Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Heeeeeyyyy, All You ALKIES,
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Missed posting yesterday and might neer missed today. Yesterday I had the first of three laser treatments on my eyes. Talk about turning it over? I have never seen such a bright light, Dr. Feigin told me the laser would be bright, but I never expected the brightness I experienced. I am so fortunate that God led the hands of my Dr. to very carefully administer a successful treatment.

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Today, I made my usual two meetings on Friday. The 10 AM with a group of my peers that are in my age group. This meeting has been so helpful to me as a 66 year old man. I have agonized over the past few years about my aging and the aging process that I see so clearly on a daily basis. The skin tone change, the health challenges, coming to grips with being bald, the wrinkling of my skin, etc., etc., etc. The wrinkles have bothered me the most. HEY, it's me, I'm not supposed to experience this crap. I'm still young. Denial, denial, denial. When am I going to learn. Some time ago a friend of mine in Los Angeles stated that I never seemed to age. Another friend quipped that of course he doesn't, he gets a wrinkle, gains five pounds and stretches it out. I've joked about that for quite some time. HMMMMM. MOMENT OF CLARITY -- MAYBE? HMMMM. The second meeting was the usual 12:15 or the NOONER. Topic was relapse.

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Now my own experience with relapse has been nil, none, nada. But as we all have, I have seen so many people experience them. And, of course, there are always the ones that use the doors of AA as a revolving door. When I was in my first year of sobriety, I attended a noon meeting in Crestline, CA on a daily basis. There was this group of young women who were in and out on a regular basis. They usually had the tears, expressed total commitment to AA, and the following Monday, they were new comers again. Their actions in coming back finally deteriated to the point that they were laughing and would say something like "I'm back, but I sure had a good time." or some such flippant statement. One of those Monday mornings, this woman that had just celebrated 14 years was present and these women raised their hands as "slippers on return." This woman blew up and went on a tirade that went something like this "GD it, don't you bitches know how serious this disease is, I am sick of seeing you play out your disease as if it were a game. It is not a fucking game. It is your life you are fucking with, it is your family you are fucking with, I for one am so tired of it I cry for each of you. I cry becuase one or all of you may not see your children grow up, or if you do they will hate you. You won't get to see or enjoy grandchildren. I cry because you are also robbing the rooms of AA the opportunity to see you grow into what you could be, experiencing the miracles of this program. You shouldn't have that right. I just hope you don't run out of Monday meetings. With that there was total silence. A few people left, I'm sure a couple bought a new coffee pot and started a new meeting. And of course the rest of the meeting was about if she had the right to say what she did. In fact the rest of week's meetings were heavy on this subject. Very controversial. I have not experienced this type of outburst since and hope I never do. I think what she said needed to be said, but in a general statement, not as an attack. I do not mean this story to be judgemental. It just came to mind during today's nooner as it often does when the subject of relapse comes up. I am very blessed that I have not found it necessary to relapse for today. I am sober today. I do not go to slippery places. I do not indulge in slippery conduct. I do my best on a daily basis to live a sober life, happy, joy and free of the bondage of drinking. And I thank my God on a daily basis for this gift.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

God working in my life.

The daily reminder - In God's time, not mine.

The winners in Alcoholics Anonymous that are my friends.

The path my first sponsor told me about.

That I trudge this path on a daily basis.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.