HAPPY NEW YEAR - #&*KING FIREWORKS

December 31 - You want bells and whistles? I'll see what I can arrange. Meditations from "Conversations with God, Book 1" page 59

Pop Pop, Bang Bang. Mamie is going nuts with all the fireworks. Bless her heart she is sticking to me like glue. She had to go outside but would only take a couple of steps and look back at me. I walked her out to the grass in the backyard and she just peeed. Bam Bam POP POP. She finished, yelped and ran to the back door just a carrying on. I got her inside and she just jumped up to my chest. Poor little thing. I just have to hold her and keep her calm. She's ok as long as she is not more than a foot from me. Now if I could just find a HUZ-Band like that I'd be as happy as a flea lost on a dog.

I'm staying home tonight. I stayed home last year for the first time in my adult life. New Years as home was not as bad as I thought it would be. I rather enjoyed it. Sobriety does wonders don't you agree. When I was out there guzzling up all the liquor I could wrap my lips around, I wouldn't stay home alone for nothing. Now I am comfortable with me and I thank God for that. I know I'm crazy as a loon sometimes, but I can live with that. It's a great day when I can remember the whole of the day past and don't wonder what in the hell I did last night. This is my 18th SOBER New Years Eve and it just keeps getting better.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• GOD, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD Schnauzer
• My Sponsor (who listened to all my ranting today)
• There is 2 hours and 35 minutes left of 2008.
• And that is in the now.
• All y'all

Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.

Five day synopsis

December 30 - My Truth--and your surest help in time of need--is as awesome as the night sky, and as simply, uncontrovertibly, trustful as a baby's gurgle. It is a loud as a pounding heartbeat--and as quiet as a breath taken in unity with Me. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 210.

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The following bullets are some things that have happened in the last five days that I want to share. I want to expand on some of them in the coming days, but just not in the right space, mentally, to do so right now. But right here and now I am Sober, I do not have a desire to drink, I do wish I could just disappear, know that I won't - damned it. But I also know that God is with me and I know there is only one pair of footpints on the ground right now. It will get better, it always does, I just do not like the ride at this moment. But I won't drink no matter what.

• Lasted less than 22 hrs at Rosalie's.
• Had Christmas Dinner with Joe, his sister and her husband and their son from Boston.
• Friday - 10 AM meeting. Left the 12:15 meeting as I was having one of the worst panic/anxiety attacks I have had in a long time.
• Realize I need to reschedule my psych appts back to weekly instead of the monthly we had just set up on Dec 23.
• Saturday - Dinner with a group celebrating Dorians 4th AA birthday. Went to Birthday Meeting at Lambda, had to leave after Dorian and Rodney had received their chips. Tears started and by the time I drove away, I was bawling.
• Sunday felt a bit better. Went to see a Movie - Frost/Nixon
• Mental status improved.
• Monday nondescript. But Mental state improving.
• Tuesday - woke up with a huge bleed in my left eye. It was red and black. Called the Dr. - out til Monday - but called and determined for me to restart the eye drops and have a 2:45 appt for Monday, 01-04-09. Also no exertion or stress - ROFLMAO.
• A long long long day. Can't read, can't watch TV. Just resting, listening to TV and music, mental status like a ball on a rubber string tied to a wooden racket. Remember those. Read blogs slowly - next best thing to a meeting.

Tonight I am grateful for:

1. God, my Higher Power (He is working overtime right now)
2. My Sobriety (Not in jeopardy)
3. Mamie, my OCD Schnauzer (extra loving and close to me these past few days)
4. My Sponsor (going through some tough health problems)
5. I am not suicidal - a blessing of sobriety.
6. A nice warm house here in France. (Jeanie, a Lambda friend, calls isolation her trip to France. So that sort of lends a brighter light to it)
7. SPIRITUAL STRENGTH.
8. My right eye.
9. All Y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Yes, Just 2 more days.

December 29 - You must see yourself as worthy before you can see another as worthy. You must first see yourself as blessed before you can see another another as blessed. You must first know your Self to be holy before you can acknowledge holiness in another.

Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• The Big Book
• Page 449 (I've used it a lot these last few days)
• All Y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Escape from the Perils of Pauline

December 23 - No one does anything he doesn't want to do.

December 24 - You are peace and joy and light. Meditations from "Conversations with God Book 1" pages 186 and 86

Lordy, lordy, lordy. That's exactly what I feel like I am doing. Sans railroad track. My furnace is still down, now to be fixed until Wednesday AM.

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The house behind me burned to the ground this morning between 4:30 and 7:00 AM. Thank the Lord that the house was empty and no one was hurt. There is only a brick shell standing on that lot now. But this neighborhood was really going pop, crackle, and snap earlier today.

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I am leaving by noon tomorrow and going to Rosalie's for Christmas. My plan at this time is to stay until Sunday. However, two of my friends are taking 4 and 5 year chips Saturday night and I would like to be here for that. I'll just see how the days play out. Rosalie still has not replaced her computer so I will be out of touch for a few days. So y'all have

• A Very Merry Christmas
• Love and good wishes to all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

OY Vey, What a Day!

December 22 - If a snowflake is utterly perfect to its design, do you not think the same could be said about something as magnificent as your life? Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1, pg 46

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Hey there, my alkie friends. How the hell are ya? I really cannot complain and I'm not, just telling what this day has dealt out to me. Not a calamity either, I've just had easier days, and I sure as hell have had much much worse days.

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Today started out ok. I awakened to the sound of my furnace heating up the rest of the house, I keep my bedroom cool as I sleep better in the cool or the cold. I left my house around 1:30 to go to the retinologist at 2:30. The appointment was to check out my left eye to see how successful the last laser surgery was. Both eyes were dilated, the dye was infused and a few minutes later the picture taking of my eyes began. That took about 30 minutes. Now the infusion did not go real well. I am a phlebotomist nightmare as I have veins that avoid the needle. I would not have made a good junkie. After three attempts, success. Dr. Feigon went over the results with me and the news was not what I wanted to hear. The good news is that the laser surgery was partially successful. My sight is better but the blood is not flowing properly in the artery in my eyer. So I go back on Jan 28 and if no significant improvement, which she doubts, it will be necessary to have eye surgery - the cutting type. The type that will require hospitalization. So I left at 4:15 and decided to go to Lambda for the 5:15 meeting which I found to be a very good meeting. I started home and realized going to the meeting was a big mistake because I could not see with the sunglasses I wear after the dilation and the lighs were just a glare of stars shining back. So it was a difficult drive home.

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Arriving home, the house was cold. I turned on the heat and did a couple of things and realized the heat did not come on. Double checked and the furnace would not come on. So I followed the troubled shooting directions and it did not work. So I called the Co. that installed the NEW system May 19 2008. Repairman arrived about 9:00 PM. Turns out the furnace shorted out the breaker, he made a fix so I will have heat tonight, but no air cond. Then he will be back in the AM to install two new breakers. It appears all of this will be covered by my warranty. Good News! Bad NEWS- I had to pay a $144.00 service call fee. Could have been much worse.

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So, yeah, it was not a good day. But again, the Good News is that I just rolled with the news both times. I did not have an anxiety attack or a hissy fit or - well you get the picture. I just handled each situation and let each one roll into it's own solution. Again the promises came to mind - we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. Well, now my friends that sounds well and good, but good ole God was just shooting me some of His good ole shots, and leading me through to the other side. And drinking never crossed my mind. I started out the day with sobriety intact, and wound the day up with sobriety intact. It just does not get any better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor's encouragement as I started my day.
• To be able to process and accept negative news.
• A very good speaker at Lambda's Saturday Speaker Mtg.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Why I Love Christmas

December 18 - Religion is your attempt to speak of the unspeakable. It does not do a very good job. Meditations from "Conversations With God - Book 1", page 195
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Well, Ah'll just be danged, Ah've been tagged for why Ah love Christmaaas by Findon. Thanks dahlink.

1. I love the lights of Christmas. First one house on the block. One on another block. And then they just keep multiplying until the whole neighborhood is decked out is sparkling lights of red, white, green, blue, with snowmen or nativity scenes or?. It's just magical.
2. The music of Christmas. Holy Night, Little Drummer Boy (Rosalie's favorite), Ava Maria, It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas, Silver Bells, etc. Sunday night I was at Joe's and about 12 or so tandem bikes rode by all decked out with the riders singing carols an bells aringing as they peddled.
3. The Christmas Tree and the rest of the house. I always decorated until the house was overflowing with decorations. I particularly lke the combination of red and White. The only thing that did not get decorated was the bedrooms. We has a rather ornate ornamental frame around the picture window int the living room of our spanish architecture house. The tree was done red lights and red and whit ornaments. The frame was doen in white twinkel lights without the damned flash. At that time we lived in predominatelly jewish neighborhool and the joke amon our friends was that we had to get a variance from the homeowners association to decorate for Christmas.Lame but funny - the first year.
4. Open House on Christmas Eve. This was one of the highlites of the year. We always had a full bar plus virgin eggnog with whiskey and brandy sitting beside the punchbowl. I cooked for two or three days for this evening and really put out a spread. There was hardly ever anything left. In the early days of adulthood the Open House was small, but it grew and grew. I did this for about 25 years.
5. Midnight Christmas Eve Service at First Methodist on Main Street - Houston Tex 1961. This was probably my most favorite Christmas Eve, never to be repeated. I was still living with my Mother at home and we went to the Christmas Eve service. She was a bit hootched, I had a few, but did not match her embibement. The church was gorgeous - candles and poinsettas and wonderful music from the pipe organ. Dr. Charles Allen was the pastor in those days and we just loved him. We sang lots of Christmas Carols, had a short sermon, and closed with Holy Night. Then the inside lights went out, and a lone candle was lit and carried to the first seat in the first row next to the aisel by Dr Allen. The assistant pastors did the same on the other aisles and there were two upstairs. The congregation passed the lighting to the person next to them and then Dr. Allen started the procession up the aisle and out of the Church. As we went up the aisle, Dr. Allen lit the two candles on the first seat in each row and the church just started to glow and the light just got brighter and brighter. There were at least 2000 people at that service. Then we went out the front door and the whole church emptied out onto the sidewalks and we stood about 4 - 5 deep for the full block of Main Street and around both of the side streets. It was in the 20's that night. Passing motorists stopped, got out of their cars and were given a candle and we were out there for about 30 minutes just singing and freezing. It was a glorious evening and one that I have never forgotten. And it seems it was just last week.
6. Christmas Dinner - I have cooked Christmas Dinner for most of my adult life since I was 21. Probably missed about 5 of them going to one of my sisters' houses or whatever. I loved to cook, still do, but it's not the same for one. I've done about three or four Christmas Dinner's since I've been sober. But It's just too hard to do by myself. In the earlier years I did sort of an Orphan's Christmas - I did the Turkey, Cornbread Dressing (Southern Style), and the gravy. Then I assigned dishes from the menu to one of the Orphans. The Orphans were my friends that did not go home, or that would have been alone on Christmas Day. The last year I did this was 1970. We had three turkeys, a ham, dressing, yams, corn, curried peas, waldorf salad, that damned green bean casserole, a cake or two, and pies. Those who could not cook would bring two bottles of rose' wine. Christmas Dinner, 1970 we had 47 people. The house was packed overflowing out onto the front porch and the back yard and the garage. It was quite festive.
7. Christmas of 1964 was a Christmas of Memory. I shared a house at 2412 Elment Street with a good friend and his lover du jour. I did the meal and my best girlfriend Jerrye, Mother, and my sister Rosalie joined us with my Roomie Buddy and his LDJ Bob. I did the whole thing and my Mother was driving me nuts. Why are you putting that in it, I never did that. Oh you left out the -------.I almost grabbed her, stuffed her mouth and put her in the oven, but I chose to have another drink. We were all crocked by dinner time. The six of us sat down and just pigged out. Buddy and Bob were sitting on one side, I was at the head of the table and Mohter was on the other end with Rosalie sitting next to her and Jerrye sitting next to me. One by one we each finished eating. There were many toasts. The last one Rosalie and I damned near died on. Mother clanked her glass, and said Zane baby fill em up. I did and then she gave a toast. She raised her glass, patted herself on her rather large tummy, and said to a Good Meal. Good Company, and excuse me but I have to go take an enama so I can make more room for this fucking turkey and trimmings. Buddy, Bob, and Jerry just howled with laughter. I started to laugh until I saw Rosalie's face and she gave me that look, well she's your Mother. Rosalie later said she was absolutely mortified. I still laugh about it, but Rosalie has not to this day seen the humor in it.

That was 1970 and I drank until 1992. This will be my 18th sober Christmas. I will be spending it with Rosalie. We got past the Thanksgiving event. I just chalked it up to FAMILY ties. Of course a good talk with my sponsor helped also. Christmas's are different now, they are SOBER. I remember all of each and everyone. Well, sometimes I have a brain Fart and forget, but it isn't ole John Barleycorn or Juan Tequilla that takes my memory away. Funny how I never have blackouts anymore. I've been told that that does not happen as long as I am sober. And I intend to stay sober. I love being sober. I love Alcoholics Anonymous and the life it has afforded me. Of course, 99% of the credit goes to God, my Higher Power. It just does not get much better than that.

Tonight I am grateful for:

• God My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, My OCD schnauzer.
• My Sponsor
• Wonderful Memories
• Being given the gift of accepting the not so wonderful memories.
• All Y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

A 3.5 OZ PORTERHOUSE?

December 17 - In seeking to be Me, the soul has a grand job ahead of it: an enormous menu of beingness from which to choose. And that is what it is doing in this moment now. Meditations from "Conversations with God, Book 1" page 195

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Yesterday's post has proven to be very cathartic. I felt lighter soon after finishing it. And then today, as I read the comments from all y'all, I felt so blessed to have received the word of love from each of you. Thank you so very much.

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I was tagged by Findon to do the list of 5 things I like about Christmas. I will probably do that tomorrow night. I love the things I have read on some of your blogs. I love the way we are all spirited this time of year rather than the "spirits" we used to excess.

Talk about improvement.

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Today was my last Diabetic Class and today we had menu planning and carb counting. Now all I have to do is to start living and eating according to plan. I'm a big meat eater and I'm limited to 3.5 oz of meat at any one meal. I'm sorry, but where in the HELL does one find a 3.5 Porterhouse. I'll try. A 3.5 oz porterhouse, fillet, spencer, ny strip, pork chop??????????????? Now that will be a challenge.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Hihger Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• No more Christmas pictures of me on floor - DRUNK.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.