December 30 - My Truth--and your surest help in time of need--is as awesome as the night sky, and as simply, uncontrovertibly, trustful as a baby's gurgle. It is a loud as a pounding heartbeat--and as quiet as a breath taken in unity with Me. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 210.
The following bullets are some things that have happened in the last five days that I want to share. I want to expand on some of them in the coming days, but just not in the right space, mentally, to do so right now. But right here and now I am Sober, I do not have a desire to drink, I do wish I could just disappear, know that I won't - damned it. But I also know that God is with me and I know there is only one pair of footpints on the ground right now. It will get better, it always does, I just do not like the ride at this moment. But I won't drink no matter what.
- Lasted less than 22 hrs at Rosalie's.
- Had Christmas Dinner with Joe, his sister and her husband and their son from Boston.
- Friday - 10 AM meeting. Left the 12:15 meeting as I was having one of the worst panic/anxiety attacks I have had in a long time.
- Realize I need to reschedule my psych appts back to weekly instead of the monthly we had just set up on Dec 23.
- Saturday - Dinner with a group celebrating Dorians 4th AA birthday. Went to Birthday Meeting at Lambda, had to leave after Dorian and Rodney had received their chips. Tears started and by the time I drove away, I was bawling.
- Sunday felt a bit better. Went to see a Movie - Frost/Nixon
- Mental status improved.
- Monday nondescript. But Mental state improving.
- Tuesday - woke up with a huge bleed in my left eye. It was red and black. Called the Dr. - out til Monday - but called and determined for me to restart the eye drops and have a 2:45 appt for Monday, 01-04-09. Also no exertion or stress - ROFLMAO.
- A long long long day. Can't read, can't watch TV. Just resting, listening to TV and music, mental status like a ball on a rubber string tied to a wooden racket. Remember those. Read blogs slowly - next best thing to a meeting.
Tonight I am grateful for:
- God, my Higher Power (He is working overtime right now)
- My Sobriety (Not in jeopardy)
- Mamie, my OCD Schnauzer (extra loving and close to me these past few days)
- My Sponsor (going through some tough health problems)
- I am not suicidal - a blessing of sobriety.
- A nice warm house here in France. (Jeanie, a Lambda friend, calls isolation her trip to France. So that sort of lends a brighter light to it)
- SPIRITUAL STRENGTH.
- My right eye.
- All Y'all.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.