Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just a Good Case of Fukits or Its My Whine and I'll Cry If I Want To.

December 16 - The soul's decision precedes the body's action in a highly conscious person. Meditation from "Conversations with God, Book 1, page 185
I'm doing my best to get though a massive overdose of the Fukits. You know that feeling when you feel like no one cares, no one loves you, people are nice to you only because it's part of "the plot." PART OF THE PLOT? That sounds so Junior High School. I don't know if it is the time of year or what. Christmas Season used to be my most favorite time of the year. Especially when I had a partner. But that all ended in 1991 and I have not had that type of feeling for the Holidays as I always did. Having a partner just made the holidays so much more meaningful because there was someone "special" to plan with and for. And now what used to be such a joyous time of year, is just another month to get through. The thought of decorating or sending out cards is just another of those jobs that seem to be too much to carry out. I laugh and joke about it but inside I am crying. And I know that no one can fix this but ME.
It's been a quite awhile since I have fallen into one of these depressions that is based on being alone. Not lonely, but being alone. Not by myself, but being alone. There is such a difference. I just still, after 17 years, do not understand how someone can just stop loving someone. How does love die? How do you just throw someone away? How can one do that to one that you have told you love for years. And than one day that person gets a phone call at work and is told that "I do not love you anymore." And of course, that person that received the call was me. I fell in love with Vic when I first saw him on April 4 1981. And that love is still alive and well within my heart. I am not one to throw someone away. You throw old socks, clothes, or broken things away. Not someone.
Now I do not think I am "pining away" over a lost love. I truly was and still am in love with that one man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. No, I did not grab hold and try to hang on, I have more pride than to do that. I did let him know how much I cared and still do. I did let him go to "fly" and it was not to be because he sure as hell has not come back since. We are still in touch and have remained friends. But over the years I have reached out less and less. To do otherwise just seems to me to be so "needy." And I hate the thought of ever appearing to be like that.
Again pride.
This is the first time I have shared these feelings with my AA bloggers. I share everything else so why not. I remember several years ago one of my best friends died of Aids in 1994. His partner told me a few months later that he did not know how I kept going after I was dumped. (his words, not mine) He also told me he was more able to accept Richard's loss as he knew it was something neither one of them could control. I had never thought of that kind of a loss in those words. Wow! I talked to my therapist and my psych about this and we concluded this was good for me to hear. Of course we did not come to this conclusion immediately but over a few weeks time we got there. Or maybe I should restate and say after talking to them for weeks I came to see that we had gotten there. We did what I could not do by myself. Of course God was there all along and I could not have made it without him. It was about this time that I realized that God had been carrying me for the last three years or so and that with his help through others that I was beginning to heel. And the heeling continues. But it used to be one foot forward and three back and now it is three forward and 1 back every so often. I have also come to realize that I have no control over people places or things. Which brings me to acceptance. I have accepted what happened, I still do not understand it. I'm just fortunate that I am still filled with love for Vic. I am grateful that it did not turn to hate and bitterness. That would be hard to live with. (I know its a preposition but so......)
The acceptance has come through my work with therapy and also through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are no accidents. Some things are just meant to be and nothing can be done to avoid or undo them. And to be bitter and question God's wisdom, it is so much better to slide into acceptance. Without acceptance, I really do not think I could go on with living my life. And all I've had to do is to be sober, practice the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous in all of my affairs. I have to live in the promises such as we will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it. ANd yes, somedays the trudging is deeper and heavier than the day before. But as long as I can remember that you don't drink no matter what, and remember the WE and not I, that I will continue to live in the Now in the wonderful world of SOBRIETY. It just does not get much better than that.
Tonight I am Grateful for:
  • God, My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • Being able to express myself without throwing a pity party.(I think)
  • Continually striving for acceptance
  • All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


Findon said...

Zane I felt sadness and a rising strength from your post. It's always amazing how humans can treat other humans. I know that feeling of being cast aside. It still hurts after 26 years. But I didn't have AA back then, only the booze. Your writing on acceptance is so inciteful, that I going tp take another look at the word. We can live, despite what the owrld throws at us. That's the message I got from your post. Thank you.

dAAve said...

I certainly have no answers except that I am glad to be your friend.


It takes courage to lay one's heart and soul open for others to see. I believe God is the author of these moments of self-revelation and self-exposure.

I also believe that God is behind this so that others may be helped.

I have learned over the years that I do not know what is best for me. No matter how sure I am and no matter how I feel, I just am often wrong.

I have found freedom from much (maybe not all) of my past sorrows and/or regrets by taking this position. God is good. He has His purposes and I don't know what they are.

So --- I just trust that as long as I keep things turned over to Him, all will work out for the best for me AND for those I love.
I begin to see (after 23 years) that maybe how things turn out are sometimes (often???)
really not about me, but more about the other person. I'm still working on that. -grin-

God bless you and I hope you will find a measure of peace and serenity to treasure through this Christmas season.

Pam said...

I am hearing you zane. You are such a sensitve spirit. Tender and sensitive.

Scott W said...

I don't know if I could do the partner thing ever again. I am so used to being by myself and, well, since I am naturally selfish...

A Tampa Realtor said...

Great post... you are not alone.

big Jenn said...

I hear you. I 'm not feeling all warm and fuzzy right now and I'm afraid to talk about it. Thanks for your courage. jeNN

Todd HellsKitchen said...

A powerful post, Buddy!

J-Online said...

Thanks for sharing this. Relationships are heard and oftentimes someone gets urt. It's admirable that ou are still friends with your ex.

Syd said...

Zane, I don't know why love dies either. My opinion is that it's a lot of cumulative things that begin to add up. I've thought about it as a emotional and spiritual "nails" going into my heart. After a lot of pounding, finally the heart says enough. But the good news is that love can come again. And what I've learned in the program is that I'm not ever alone, because God is with me. I may be lonely but not alone. That brought me a lot of comfort. Peace to you my friend.