Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Another Day, Another Post

The reason that the true Master does not complain is that the true Master is not suffering, but simply experiencein a set of circumstances that you would call insufferable.  APRIL 13 - Meditations from "Conversations with God" Book 1, page 107

I've been thinking about the meeting at the Spring Group last night.  Not one single person came up to me and introduced themselves to me after the meeting.  I wonder if it was because I identified as a visitor from Lambda Center.  Or could it be that I was looking for something because it was a straight meeting.  Good Lord, I got sober in straight meetings.  Those people loved me, held me when I was about to fall down, glued my big ass on when it was coming loose.  I am planning to go back next Monday evening.  I also wonder if the fact that they were having a business meeting at 7:30 might have a bearing on the little clusters of people in huddles.  Hmmmm.
Yeah, yeah, I know it's none of my business, but I do wonder.

Also last nights posting was rather carthartic for me.  Just writing it all down chronologically gave some order to the seven weeks before Rosalie passed.  There were some downright comical times that occurred and I will share those as time goes on.  And a BIG OLE THANK YOU to all of you that left condolences.  I needed those, they sort of choked me up.  But I want to cry.  Just a down home old fashioned cry, a big Boo Hoo.  I have not been able to do that.  Well I did, scream, cry and sort of went to pieces, but quickly composed myself, so I could go to the hospital to support my nephew, Sam.  I mean he had just lost his Mother at 45 and he and she were so close.  Now he was not a Mama's boy, but he loved her and had a lot of respect for her.  They had a beautiful relationship and I know how he must have been hurting.  Isort of had the same relationship with my Mother. But the two are not comparable.

I sort of have a resentment building towards my normy friends. Not one of them have sent me a card.  I did get one email with the Yellow Rose of Texas.  That one did bring me to tears as there is a line in that song that says "and songs of Rosalie."  It was from an old old friend of mine in Los Angeles. Tom is just a card sender, and they are always just right on.  He has a knack for it.  This is really about not getting the tender, loving, tear bringing verses that I so long to read.  I just want to have a Big Big Boo Hoo.  Is that too much to ask?  Lord knows I certainly can't say anything to these friends, it would be improper and impertinent.  Or could it be that I am being too self centered at this time to cry?  That's probably the ticket.  I just have to realize that it will be in God's time, not mine.  But man when it does happen, get the buckets, cause those flood gates will release a deluge.  But the one thing I do know is that I will still be sober when they do start.  I will not be a snotty bawling drunk,been there, done that and it ain't gonna happen again..  God has brought me too far, to let that happpen.  That is a Certainty. You just don't drink no matter what!!

And on top of all of that, Pam has disappeared from the blogs.  Now there's no one to call me Sugar Butt.   Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!  I know, a bit over the top.  Just saying.

Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God My Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, My Schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • My Faith
  • Spirituality
  • Blogs to visit again.
  • That Lisa has two boxers again and they look like they are having fun together.
  • Thursday The local Tea Party is at Sam Houston Race Track with the rest of the horses arses.
  • Friends
  • All y'all
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!


Prayer Girl said...

Dear Zane,
I understand your desire for condolences from the "normal" people too. (If there is such a creature). I am so grateful for my recovery family when the "other" world fails me.

I pray for you in your time of grief and pain. I send my condolences to you and I pray for Sam and Rosalie's soul.

Grieving is a strange thing. When I lost my mom and dad, I would be fine one minute and the next second tears would be pouring out of my eyes. I had to just "let it be" till I was done. Today I miss them both, but most of the tears have been shed. Shed the tears, Zane. God loves you and your tears.


Anonymous said...

Zane, I am so sorry for your loss of your sister. I would be honored to call you sugar butt anytime!

Trailboss said...

I'm so glad you're back Zane. I really missed you!

Times are changing in regards to the condolence cards. The internet has people sending e-cards to loved ones instead of taking the time to pick out just the right card and mail it. So and I promised each other a few years ago that we will always send real cards on each other's birthdays. I always look forward to mine!

Give yourself time honey and the tears will come, probably when you least expect it.

Syd said...

Zane, I understand your feelings. I am still sensitive when it comes to loss of those that I love. I expect the world to stop and acknowledge my loss. Unfortunately, the world and its people just keep on going. I would rather have a few sincere words from those who mean them than a bunch of words from those who don't really give a rip.
Take care of yourself. I really do know the feelings of grief and they too will pass in time.
PS: I am sure that someone will call you Sugarbutt again.

dAAve said...

LOL @ the horse race, sugarBuTT