Thursday, February 28, 2008

Come to Me along the path of your heart, not through a journey of your mind. You will never find Me in your mind. February 28 Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 94.
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Today I am Grateful For:
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My Higher Power, God who is always with and watching over me.
My sobriety, that gives me the tools to live a much better life than I used to when I was drinking.
Dolly, my Schnauzer, that just loves me unconditionally.
My Sponsor, who lovingly accepts me as a person.
My depression is way on the downswing.
Support from fellow bloggers.
Finally getting to sleep about 6 AM Wednesday.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

You are evolving, you are becoming. And you are using your relationship with everything to decide what you are becoming. This is the job you came here to do. This is the joy of creating self. Of knowing self. Of becoming,consciously, what you wish to be. Meditations from Conversations With God. February 27. Page 126

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Damned! Can't sleep. 3:15 AM. Woke up just wet with sweat and the bod is cold to the touch. I hate this.

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Sunday night I realized that I was in a depression. I have clinical depression so it is not something I have willed myself into or thought myself into. It just is. But I also know that it will pass. I just have to hold on and ride it out. The good thing about my recent depressions is that they have not lasted very long. For the past 15 - 16 months they just last a few days, and then poof, it's gone as quickly as it has arrived. I don't realize that I am going into one, and I don't know when I come out of them. It just IS. Monday night was the worst. I just felt absolutely hopeless, helpless, and in a dark downward spiral. When it gets like this and the darkness predominates I seriously want to die. I just want to cease to exist. but my beliefs do not allow to me to take action. I have taken action twice before in my younger days, but as you can see, did not succeed. My great fear is that if I tried it again, I would just cause permanent damage, and be in a coma, or worse yet, aware of all, just no one would realize it. I think they call that locked in. The other good thing about my recent depressions is that they have not been totally debilitating. I can function. Sometimes it's a roller coaster just up and then like a whip, I'm back down. This will pass and I will recover one more time and then there will be normal times again. And I revel in those and squeeze every ounce of joy, happiness, and good feelings that I can out of it. God I remember how it was when I drank, and I do not have to ever go through those times again. I am also blessed in that I am not Manic-Depressive.

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I also stay close to God, my HP, in episodes like this. I have conversations with him and also with Christ. They are both big players in my spiritual journey and nothing gets so bad that I want to cast them out.

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I also worry about my friends and loved ones. My sister, Rosalie went home last week after a two week hospitalization. Several of you wished her well and it must have worked. And she is strong enough to care for herself. I usually go over for a few days, but not needed this time. PAMMEY has viral pneumonia and I worry for her and pray for it to be a short illness. My best friends partner (of 29 yrs) Karl, is fighting pancreatic cancer for the past year and it looked like it was in remission but this has been a bad week for him with pain and nausea. Daave's Mom is in a hospice and has been holding her own. I see his dedication to her and marvel at how strong he is. I read another friends blog (Todd-Hells Kitchen) and his Mother is experiencing a health crisis. I pray for the appropriate solution for these loved ones of my friends and ask for God's will, not mine.

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So here I am, on a threshold of a new day. Already feeling better since writing and sharing. I'm just turning the day over to God as I do on a daily basis, and know that whatever happens, it is not of my will because I have given that will over to God. And then comes the acceptance part. I may not always really like the outcome, but I do have to accept it, for who am I to question Gods wisdom?

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

This is the root of every problem you experience in your life - you do not consider yourself worthy enough to be spoken to by God. Good heavens, how can you ever expect to hear my voice if you don't imagine yourself to be deserving enough to even be spoken to? Feb 23, Meditations from Conversations with God. Book 1, page 162

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Goooooooooooood Daaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy Aaaaaaaaaaallllkkkkies!

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When I was doing the grandparents and aunts names on Pam's post yesterday, I realized probably no one else's family is more screwed up than mine. My father was married 10 times. I have stepmother's who were on the scene for such a short time that I can't remember their names. And yes he did marry and divorce them all except the last one. He married her and they were together for 18 years. I think the fact that he sobered up and was sober for 25 years probably had something to do with that. My mother was wife #2.

My Mother was only married four times. My father was #2. My last two stepfathers were both named Bill. She shot Bill #1. He in turn died. (He was a mean assed bastard and they were both caught up in their alcoholism that it was either him or us.) Bill #2 real name was Haze. For the first 20 years I knew him, he was my granpa. Married to my Mother's mother. Mother's stepfather. Mother Lela Died in 1961 and Mother and Granpa got married in 1965. OH Shit. My relationship titles changed, my uncles and aunts became my brothers and sisters. My cousins became my nieces and nephews. I BECAME TOTALLY DISGUSTED. I had Mother and Bill 2 to my house on Thanksgiving 65. I went to their house one time. I was so embarrassed and shamed. This just wiped me out. I told Mother that she could come to my house alone or leave him in the car. I JUST COULD NOT ACCEPT THIS. They finally separated, never divorced. Never saw HAZE, Bill, Granpa again. He died in 1974. My Uncle/Brother Jack let us know.

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Now that is just one story of many many many that I used to say drove me to drink. But the truth of it all was I drank because I like it. I love the feeling. I loved the black outs, they were funny when I heard about them later. I loved the taste. The pissing, crapping, vomiting, all passed. And I kept coming back for more of the same. Then one day it all changed and I was told I never had to do all that stuff again. I was told that my family shame was not my shame. My shame was only the things that I HAD DONE. I can now laugh at the SHAME and see the absurdity of it all. I can also see that all of that crap had one common denominator - alcoholism. I am so glad that I have been given the gift of freedom from the desire for alcohol on a daily basis. I AM BLESSED.

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Have a great weekend everybody.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;

Sometimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Wednesday/Thursday, February 20/21, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not;
Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
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If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we hare half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. WE WILL NOT REGRET THE PAST NOR WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON IT. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of usefulness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 83-84.

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HOOOOOOOOOWWWWWDY AAAALLLLLL YOOOOOOUUUUU AALKIES.

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I just love the promises. They are one of my favorite passages from the Big Book. At times I feel like all of them have come true for me, and in reality they have. But at times when I read them, I think well that one is shakey today. Hmmm, that one is not as strong as it was yesterday; that one is not true today. It all depends upon where my head is taking me. But for the most part, they are true for me. What more can I ask for? I do miss the reading of these in meetings, but then if I miss them so much, I just need to open my book to p 83 and read on.

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Wednesday I saw the Endocrinologist. He took me off the med ACTOS. So tomorrow I start a new med, Janumet. Actos is known to cause a continual weight gain with people that have had a heart attack. Mine was in 1973. Actos was prescribed by my Dr. in LA. One more piece of proof why this profession is referred to as a "practice." He also gave me a diet, I prefer to call it a food plan, and in the list of free foods (those I can have a lot of) is diet carbonated drinks. I am still going to stick to my guns about the diet coke tho. Today was day three with none in my house. I did have one on the road. He also finds my blood sugars to be under control, my blood pressure under control, and he does not think the eye problem is related to my diabetes. He did an EKG, and a chest xray. I go back in two weeks. Sooooooooooooooooooo.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God that keeps me on target if I stay out of the way.

My Sobriety, that keeps my head clear so that I can walk through any path thrown my way.

Dolly, My Schnauzer, who entertains me with new antics she has nver displayed before and is always so happy to see me.

My Sponsor, who gives me strength by being an example.

That I have follow through skills to take care of myself.

For the strength, humor, and spirituality that I gain from my fellow bloggers.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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The world exists the way it exists----just as a snowflake exists the way it exists----quite by design. You have created it that way----just as you have created your life exactly as it is. February 20. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 49.

Monday, February 18, 2008

People assume that if God were to talk directly with you, God would not sound like the fella next door. Meditations from "Conversations with God" page 68
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HOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWDY AAAAAAAAAAALKKKKKKKKKKIES!
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I had a 1:45 appointment with an endocronoligist today. At 2:15 the receptionist told us he had a hospital emergency and would be in after 3 PM. My appt. is now

1:30 this Wednesday. Pissed me off, but I did not explode or dish out misplaced anger at the receptionist. I'm so glad I have learned this way of living and continue to do so since 1992. WOW! Now that is a miracle.

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NEWS FLASH!! I have not had any diet caffeine free coca cola in my house since Saturday. I usually have cases. Now DCFCC is my "smoking habit". At present my intention is to only have DCFCC away from home. I am going to be drinking tea, lemonade, or even WATER. I can't help but snicker at this because I saw the deveil from down under left a comment with PAMMEY that step 1 could be Coca Cola and switch to Pepsi Cola. My goal is to try to drop a pound or two. So much has been written about the ill effects of diet coke, I shall now see. This is but one of the changes I am making in my life right now. The other is to eat healthier so that my diabetes can be in check. Being blind because of neglect is not anything to be taken lightly. This is another promise coming true for me - God doing for me what I cannot (or will not) do for myself. What a concept.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God who leads me in mysterious ways.

My Sobriety that has given me the power to be willing.

Dolly, My Schnauzer, that has recovered from her recent illness.

My Sponsor, who is now able to drive again.

The courage my fellow trudgers have given me with their winning their own battles.

The vile spewings from the devil down under that show me the type of Christian I would never want to be.

The strength and spirituality that my fellow blogger friends put forth on a daily basis.

Practicing acceptance and not judgement on a daily basis.

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Now y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable. P568, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition.
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Lambda Center last night was magic. A good speaker who shared his story with us. Following the meeting was Country Western Night at Lambda. We had 78 people at 9:45 when i did my count. It's a thing with me, I have to count the number of people in the room. I even danced, although I only lasted half the dance at least I got the big ass out there with a Newcomer that has been trying to get clean and sober for the last 8 or 9 months. A good looker too, and HE asked this old fart to dance. I'm sure it was a mercy dance, but hell, I enjoyed it. He's moving into Truxillo House this next week. So say a prayer for recovery for Cody.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God, for giving me the strength for 1/2 dance.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Observing a bunch of sober gay men and women having a great time.

To see strength in a friend with a heavy heart.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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HOOOOOOWWWWDY ALLLLLLLLLKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIEEEES!
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Today is a very dreary, rainy, getting cold, type of day. But in my heart is sunshine, in my vision depository are the beautiful pictures of last weekend, in my memories are all the beautiful things I have seen and experienced. To me, these are the promises that things like that will be repeated. The flowers in the beds are just as beautiful on a day like today as they are in the sunshine and warmth.

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I just talked to my sis, Rosalie and she may be going home today. Sounds very strong on the phone. That woman just always bounces back. So did my Mother. I guess that runs in the family. Rosalie is my favorite sister and is 76. Jeanne is the next sister and she is 82, Wanda is 86. My sister from my father is Myrna and she is 70. I have a brother from my father, Patrick that died at 21 from injuries from a car accident. My sister Dorothy Evelyn died in 1984 on her 60th birthday

from a brain tumor. My Mohter died in 1986 at 81 from lung cancer. My father in 1983 at 75 from a stroke, kikney disease. The point of all of this is that longevity runs in my family. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me in that I have another 20 years of THIS to go through. Then on the other hand it is only 20 years left. I have a lot of to do's on my list. I look forward to another 20 years of sobriety. (God willing) I know it reads as if I'm projecting, but I'm not. I just know it all will unfold one day at a time, in God's time, not mine. And that is just the way it is. I may not like it, but I do have to accept it.

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Tonite is Country Western Dance night at Lambda Center, 9:30 PM. I won't be dancing, but sure as hell will be listening, watching, tapping my toes, and enjoying a Saturday night hoedown with a bunch of sober alcoholics. What a great way to spend Saturday night. Hope to see some of your there.

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TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

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My Higher Power, God for blessing me each and every day with

My Sobriety, which gives me Strength.

Dolly, my Schnauzer, who was sick at the first of the week but has recovered.

My Sponsor who always makes me laugh at myself.

My sense of Humor, sometimes twisted, sometimes just the old belly laugh type.

Having everything I NEED on a daily basis.

My wonderful loving, caring, friends.

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We absolutely insist on enjoying life. (17 lines down, 17 lines up) Alcoholics Anonymous, page 132.

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Now y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday, February 13, 2008

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Today I need anything that is on acceptance. Page 449/417. I bought two new toilets on Sunday. Designer type, 17" seat height, and they were to be installed today. They delivered them, removed an old one and found a problem. I need a new flange (?) for the guest bath. My bath I need a 10 inch roughout and the one I bought is a 13 inch roughout. Who knew. So SHIT HAPPENS. So the one for my bath is now to be returned and I have to reorder. The guest one is just sitting there and is to be installed at a date to be determined as to installation of a flange. These run about $300.00. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!

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I got an email from my nephew this AM and my sister is in the hospital with pneumonia. Today is her 76th birthday. Bummer for her. She has COPD and has to be very careful with any respiratory problem. Rosalie has the most positive outlook on everything. And it rubs off on me. Even with being sick she does not feel she has the right to complain. I tell her to lighten up on herself and just get better. We are very close.

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I had my double laser treatment in both eyes yesterday. The right one is just fine. I can see better out of the left one but the DR. is not pleased with the progress of the left eye. Gave me more drops for it and I go back in three weeks. She told me I may have to have surgery on the eye to correct the bleedouts. I'm concerned about that, and yes worried, but I am doing my best not to let it get out of hand. It is just another one of those things I have to turn over to God and let him handle it, otherwise I will have the men in the little white coats chasing me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Come to think of it, that is probably the only way I can get a man to chase me these days. That might be the ticket.

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But even with all this shit, I still have my faith, lots of hope, and my sobriety. Tomorrow I will have the same. God has not brought me this far just to let me falter. As long as I put one foot in front of the other, and do the next indicated thing, I will prevail. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but always in God's time, not mine.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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My Higher Power, GOD who is carrying me right now.

My Sobriety, which gives me the strength to use the knowledge of AA.

Dolly, My schnauzer.

My Sponsor, for being an example on how to walk through rough times - SOBER.

Having two feet to put one in front of the other.

A Sponsee that pampered me yesterday.

Loving and caring friends.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Every Heart has its sorrows which the world knows not,
And often time we call a man cold when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Goooooooooooooood Mooooooooorning AAAAAAAAAAAAlkies,
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It's 8:55 AM and I'm on my way to get both eyes lasered. One of my sponsees is driving me. So this will be a quick'n.
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TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
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My Higher Power, GOD.
My Sobriety
Dolly, My Schnauzer
My Sponsor
My Sponsee
Medicare and my IBM insurance.
Serenity.

I have given you nothing shameful, least of all your very body, and its functions. Meditations From "Conversations Wiht God" February 12 P208
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day,
Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Everythings going my way.

Today i really feel like bursting into song, and being the good ole queen that I am wouldn't ya know it would be a show tune. But I can't think of a better song for today.

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TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

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My Higher Power, God, who continually shows me my faith and hope is well founded.

My Sobriety, without it I could not get through some of these days.

Dolly, my Schnauzer, who is giving an extra dollup of love these days.

My Sponsor, for being there when I need direction.

A sponsee that is taking me for my double lazer treatments on Tuesday.

Another friend that would have rearranged his day to accommodate my needs.

Being able to see out of my left eye today, with just a few squiggles of dried blood in the way. Otherwise, I can see clearly now. (Another song)

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Sober Reality. Spirits never lifted ours, but a spiritual program does. God Grant Me The Laughter
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GOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOORning ALKIES!!!!
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Wow. The last two days have been a lesson in acceptance. As you know, I've had a problem with my left eye. Wednesday at 8:30 AM I awoke and glanced at my clock. I saw the outline of the clock and a big red blob where the time is supposed to have been. I mean RED BLOB. I wanted to scream. I knew this meant that I had had another hemhorrage in my left retina. I felt like a dervish going in circles. I called the Dr. and was told to be there by 11. Then I went to my computer and Daave was there on IM. I popped him an IM and he got right back to me. I yelled and fonched and got over my cheap snake act and then paid attention to his reply. He totally understood and told me to scream but to also remember to take the next right action. I told him what I had done and he agreed I had already done that. Daaveis always there. Solid as a rock. I hope I can be there for him if he ever needs it. I then called my sponsor and he assked if I needed a driver. Now this man just had a defibralator installed in his chest and is not supposed to be driving, and I reminded him of this. He said he couldn't drive but would get someone who could. Talk about God working in my life.

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So to the Dr I went. Yep, another bleed out. She told me she would do the planned laser treatment on Thursday. So today, I drove the 32 miles again to my date with the laser. This was a laying down treatment. Took about 40 minutes. I tolerated it much better than I did last Tuesday's treatment. I think a lot of the tollerance for the treatment was due to a lot of praying, and turning the outcome over to God.Because of the length and intensity of the laser treatment, they really deadened the eye. Eye drops and gooop. After the treatment, Dr informed me that on my shced Tuesday treatment that she was going to be doing both eyes. A sort of cleanup of the left eye (a vision of her in my eye with a broom and dustpan invaded my brain) and to treat the right eye. She also told me I would not be able to drive so I would need a driver for the 10:30 appointment. So far, the two people I have asked, are tied up that AM. But I know I will have a someone to drive me, I don't know who yet, but I know that God will provide. FAITH!

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So, then I went to the nooner and got there at 12:30. Another good meeting. Topic was what meetings mean to me. I heard a lot of very good things. I got to share the emotional share of a man soon to celebrate 32 years. Beautiful. Then to lunch and fellowship with a group of 11 or 12. Then home. I was pooped. So I took a much needed 2 hour nap.

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The depression, anxiety, and panic of Tuesday are not present. I know that is because GOD has stepped in and given me the strength and power to get through this time. He has been there for me all my life, I only have to step aside and let Him in. Its one of those three pertinent ideas, That GOD could and would if he were sought.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, My Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

The steady hands of my doctor while performing a laser treatment to my eye.

Encouragement and support from my friends.

I can walk through the fear of what is happening.

My sense of humor has not gone into hiding.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday/Wednesday, February 5/6 2008

Feb 5. Bless every person and condition, and give thanks Thus you affirm the perfection of God's creation_and show your faith in it. For nothing happens by accident in God's world, and there is no such thing as coincidence. Nor is the world buffeted by random choice, or Something you call fate! Meditations from Conversations with God. page 114
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Not a lot to say tonight. Yesterday and today have not been particularly good days for me. Depression, anxiety, and panic have been really busy with me. A lot of it is fear. But I'm getting through it - sober. I know that these are the so called demons that raise their ugly heads and raise havoc in my life. I've had enough experience with these in the past 17 years that I know I will get to the other side. ANd it is faith that gets me there. I have always had faith, but as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, it has been strengthened.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power - GOD

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

A very strong faith.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My idea of Superbowl Sunday is a clean toilet bowl. Maxine.
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I am not in any way, shape, form, or fashion a superbowl fan. There are three BIG superbowl parties going on in my neighborhood right now. OMG. The one directly behind me is the noisiest and the LOUDEST. I am so tired of hearing a chorus of OON OON OON I could shit. Come to think of it sounds like a chorus of people straining to take a dump. And as the day goes on, the voices and the words are shriller, slurred, and about to run me to the movies on a Sunday. Now try to imagine slurring of OON OON OON. Its something like URNT URNTA URINTA. I have my doors windows shut as usual and I can still hear them. It is very unusual to even hear these people so I can't really complain. I just hope and pray that when they all start puking it will be in the bathrooms and not the back yard. ICK!!!!!!!

Lambda Center had it's annual Mardi Gras Parade last night. Pam was there last year. This year the theme was Greek Gods and Goddesses. The closest to the theme was Daave in his shopping cart decorated with a few green grass skirts and a bust of David. Daave had on a DIAPER, a pacifer in his mouth, and some large baby toys hanging on the float. HE WAS JUST A VISION!

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Now I ask you to bear with me but I cannot see the connection to Greek anything with the next two floats, even tho they were good. One was an Incan Temple with the GOD sitting on top surrounded with other INCAN natives in all stages of undress between short short stiff grass skirts, war paint, etc. to one cute Mexican wearing a thong with the front covered with a feather. I googled Greek Incan civilization but nothing came up.

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Next was another krewe, with a shopping cart decorated with a white cloth with a Guy ridning in the cart in a white toga type costume, feathers, and balloons. The rest of the krewe was also in white toga type costumes, with feathers, and other acutramon (sp) and again a good presentation, but I still did not connect it the theme.

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But it did not matter. Everyone was having fun, being crazy, and totally outrageous. The MC's for the evening were a rather large lesbian in a Gold Robe with lots of feathers and a gorgeous mask, and a 6 ft 6 queen decked out as Daisy Duke. Now all of this was Mardi Gras. Lots of beads, Daave threww suckers, and a good time was had for the evening. Lots of Laughter. WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT. WE INSIST ON HAVING FUN. And we did. and we did. SOBER.

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Again the fundraisers, fromerly known as the F'ers and renamed the Lambda Gold Diggers this year, provided a fun and safe evening to be sober in and also raise over $1000.00 for Lambda. It doesn't get much better than that.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, GOD.

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Laughter, Lots of Laughter, Deep Belly Busting Laughter.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday/Saturday, February 1/2, 2008

God is the energy you call imagination. God is creation. God is first thought. And god is last experience. And God is everything in between. Meditations from "Conversations with God." Feb 1
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Your teachers have told you of an angry God, a jealous God, A god who needs to be needed. An that is not a God at all, but a reurotic substitute for that which would be a deity. Conversations with God, Page 114, Feb 2.
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Step Three: Mad a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him. Page 59 Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Heeeeeyyyy, All You ALKIES,
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Missed posting yesterday and might neer missed today. Yesterday I had the first of three laser treatments on my eyes. Talk about turning it over? I have never seen such a bright light, Dr. Feigin told me the laser would be bright, but I never expected the brightness I experienced. I am so fortunate that God led the hands of my Dr. to very carefully administer a successful treatment.

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Today, I made my usual two meetings on Friday. The 10 AM with a group of my peers that are in my age group. This meeting has been so helpful to me as a 66 year old man. I have agonized over the past few years about my aging and the aging process that I see so clearly on a daily basis. The skin tone change, the health challenges, coming to grips with being bald, the wrinkling of my skin, etc., etc., etc. The wrinkles have bothered me the most. HEY, it's me, I'm not supposed to experience this crap. I'm still young. Denial, denial, denial. When am I going to learn. Some time ago a friend of mine in Los Angeles stated that I never seemed to age. Another friend quipped that of course he doesn't, he gets a wrinkle, gains five pounds and stretches it out. I've joked about that for quite some time. HMMMMM. MOMENT OF CLARITY -- MAYBE? HMMMM. The second meeting was the usual 12:15 or the NOONER. Topic was relapse.

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Now my own experience with relapse has been nil, none, nada. But as we all have, I have seen so many people experience them. And, of course, there are always the ones that use the doors of AA as a revolving door. When I was in my first year of sobriety, I attended a noon meeting in Crestline, CA on a daily basis. There was this group of young women who were in and out on a regular basis. They usually had the tears, expressed total commitment to AA, and the following Monday, they were new comers again. Their actions in coming back finally deteriated to the point that they were laughing and would say something like "I'm back, but I sure had a good time." or some such flippant statement. One of those Monday mornings, this woman that had just celebrated 14 years was present and these women raised their hands as "slippers on return." This woman blew up and went on a tirade that went something like this "GD it, don't you bitches know how serious this disease is, I am sick of seeing you play out your disease as if it were a game. It is not a fucking game. It is your life you are fucking with, it is your family you are fucking with, I for one am so tired of it I cry for each of you. I cry becuase one or all of you may not see your children grow up, or if you do they will hate you. You won't get to see or enjoy grandchildren. I cry because you are also robbing the rooms of AA the opportunity to see you grow into what you could be, experiencing the miracles of this program. You shouldn't have that right. I just hope you don't run out of Monday meetings. With that there was total silence. A few people left, I'm sure a couple bought a new coffee pot and started a new meeting. And of course the rest of the meeting was about if she had the right to say what she did. In fact the rest of week's meetings were heavy on this subject. Very controversial. I have not experienced this type of outburst since and hope I never do. I think what she said needed to be said, but in a general statement, not as an attack. I do not mean this story to be judgemental. It just came to mind during today's nooner as it often does when the subject of relapse comes up. I am very blessed that I have not found it necessary to relapse for today. I am sober today. I do not go to slippery places. I do not indulge in slippery conduct. I do my best on a daily basis to live a sober life, happy, joy and free of the bondage of drinking. And I thank my God on a daily basis for this gift.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

God working in my life.

The daily reminder - In God's time, not mine.

The winners in Alcoholics Anonymous that are my friends.

The path my first sponsor told me about.

That I trudge this path on a daily basis.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.