Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

You are evolving, you are becoming. And you are using your relationship with everything to decide what you are becoming. This is the job you came here to do. This is the joy of creating self. Of knowing self. Of becoming,consciously, what you wish to be. Meditations from Conversations With God. February 27. Page 126
Damned! Can't sleep. 3:15 AM. Woke up just wet with sweat and the bod is cold to the touch. I hate this.
Sunday night I realized that I was in a depression. I have clinical depression so it is not something I have willed myself into or thought myself into. It just is. But I also know that it will pass. I just have to hold on and ride it out. The good thing about my recent depressions is that they have not lasted very long. For the past 15 - 16 months they just last a few days, and then poof, it's gone as quickly as it has arrived. I don't realize that I am going into one, and I don't know when I come out of them. It just IS. Monday night was the worst. I just felt absolutely hopeless, helpless, and in a dark downward spiral. When it gets like this and the darkness predominates I seriously want to die. I just want to cease to exist. but my beliefs do not allow to me to take action. I have taken action twice before in my younger days, but as you can see, did not succeed. My great fear is that if I tried it again, I would just cause permanent damage, and be in a coma, or worse yet, aware of all, just no one would realize it. I think they call that locked in. The other good thing about my recent depressions is that they have not been totally debilitating. I can function. Sometimes it's a roller coaster just up and then like a whip, I'm back down. This will pass and I will recover one more time and then there will be normal times again. And I revel in those and squeeze every ounce of joy, happiness, and good feelings that I can out of it. God I remember how it was when I drank, and I do not have to ever go through those times again. I am also blessed in that I am not Manic-Depressive.
I also stay close to God, my HP, in episodes like this. I have conversations with him and also with Christ. They are both big players in my spiritual journey and nothing gets so bad that I want to cast them out.
I also worry about my friends and loved ones. My sister, Rosalie went home last week after a two week hospitalization. Several of you wished her well and it must have worked. And she is strong enough to care for herself. I usually go over for a few days, but not needed this time. PAMMEY has viral pneumonia and I worry for her and pray for it to be a short illness. My best friends partner (of 29 yrs) Karl, is fighting pancreatic cancer for the past year and it looked like it was in remission but this has been a bad week for him with pain and nausea. Daave's Mom is in a hospice and has been holding her own. I see his dedication to her and marvel at how strong he is. I read another friends blog (Todd-Hells Kitchen) and his Mother is experiencing a health crisis. I pray for the appropriate solution for these loved ones of my friends and ask for God's will, not mine.
So here I am, on a threshold of a new day. Already feeling better since writing and sharing. I'm just turning the day over to God as I do on a daily basis, and know that whatever happens, it is not of my will because I have given that will over to God. And then comes the acceptance part. I may not always really like the outcome, but I do have to accept it, for who am I to question Gods wisdom?
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


Scott W said...

I don't think God minds us questioning, sometimes that leads to a new and better understanding. The point is to keep trudging.

I feel for you and all those suffering with depression. I don't know exactly what that is like, but I have to compare it to the hopelessness I felt in that last year of drinking. Do you get to the gym during those episodes? Or write more?

Bill said...

The fundamental things apply as time goes by.
Nothing in the world is static, even though it sure seems like it when you're in a depressed period. I've been there, too, many times. It will pass, and you are never alone.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Thanks for the support, Zane... And the insight on depression....

Mary Christine said...

I wish they had named major depression something other than that. People think they understand it because they have been in a bad mood once, and then picked themselves up by their bootstraps.

You described it well. I hope it is relieved soon.

A fellow sufferer, mc