Saturday, February 23, 2008

This is the root of every problem you experience in your life - you do not consider yourself worthy enough to be spoken to by God. Good heavens, how can you ever expect to hear my voice if you don't imagine yourself to be deserving enough to even be spoken to? Feb 23, Meditations from Conversations with God. Book 1, page 162

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Goooooooooooood Daaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy Aaaaaaaaaaallllkkkkies!

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When I was doing the grandparents and aunts names on Pam's post yesterday, I realized probably no one else's family is more screwed up than mine. My father was married 10 times. I have stepmother's who were on the scene for such a short time that I can't remember their names. And yes he did marry and divorce them all except the last one. He married her and they were together for 18 years. I think the fact that he sobered up and was sober for 25 years probably had something to do with that. My mother was wife #2.

My Mother was only married four times. My father was #2. My last two stepfathers were both named Bill. She shot Bill #1. He in turn died. (He was a mean assed bastard and they were both caught up in their alcoholism that it was either him or us.) Bill #2 real name was Haze. For the first 20 years I knew him, he was my granpa. Married to my Mother's mother. Mother's stepfather. Mother Lela Died in 1961 and Mother and Granpa got married in 1965. OH Shit. My relationship titles changed, my uncles and aunts became my brothers and sisters. My cousins became my nieces and nephews. I BECAME TOTALLY DISGUSTED. I had Mother and Bill 2 to my house on Thanksgiving 65. I went to their house one time. I was so embarrassed and shamed. This just wiped me out. I told Mother that she could come to my house alone or leave him in the car. I JUST COULD NOT ACCEPT THIS. They finally separated, never divorced. Never saw HAZE, Bill, Granpa again. He died in 1974. My Uncle/Brother Jack let us know.

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Now that is just one story of many many many that I used to say drove me to drink. But the truth of it all was I drank because I like it. I love the feeling. I loved the black outs, they were funny when I heard about them later. I loved the taste. The pissing, crapping, vomiting, all passed. And I kept coming back for more of the same. Then one day it all changed and I was told I never had to do all that stuff again. I was told that my family shame was not my shame. My shame was only the things that I HAD DONE. I can now laugh at the SHAME and see the absurdity of it all. I can also see that all of that crap had one common denominator - alcoholism. I am so glad that I have been given the gift of freedom from the desire for alcohol on a daily basis. I AM BLESSED.

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Have a great weekend everybody.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;

Sometimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.