Pet Peeve, Rosalie, Humor, Gratitude

February 7 - Allow each soul to walk its path. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 47

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I have a pet peeve that sometimes I allow to become a resentment before I realize it. It is about following meeting format. At Lambda we have a set format at most meetings that when chips are given we announce the recipients first name. After the 18 month chip, we ask if anyone is celebrating one year today, or multiples today, and then we ask if anyone is celebrating a birthday this month. Each celebrant states first name, years and sobriety date. Tonight, after a wonderful share of E S & H, announcements were made, and chips were given. The person giving the chips out did the usual format through the 18 months and that was it and she walked off stage. A couple of people asked about February birthdays and the woman (in my opinion) very bitchily said "Oh you don't like the way I did it, well let's clap for everyone celebrating a birthday this month." To me it was dismissive to the February birthday celebrants. I fumed about it all the way home. And a resentment grew and snowballed. Of course I would never say anything to this person or anyone else for that matter but it just really works my last nerve. I would say something about it in a meeting later on not identifying the "offender." Now if this person was a visitor at the meeting, it would not matter, but someone that is a regular at meetings is another matter. Well, here I am just steaming by the time I get home, worked up a real mental lather, and sat down to blog. Then I opened my meditation book and the above quote was there - just blinking in bright red, fuchsia, green, and blue neon - Allow each soul to walk its path. What a concept. Hmmmmm. To me it was a very slick message to me that I do not have power over people places and things. Talk about a God shot? My serenity returned, I chilled out, and said to myself - Queen, in the big scope of things, it's no big thing. It's a character defect I will have to work on and talk to my sponsor about. Tolerance and love is our code. My bad.

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Tonight when I got home I had a voice message from Rosalie inviting me over for next weekend. Colton, Sam's son will be there and they always do their thing. Rosalie said that would give us a chance to just hang out. It's a lot better sounding than the call from two weeks ago. Another God shot. In God's time not mine. I'm going to go. Friday is her 77th birthday and I will let her bring that up, Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays. I may not agree with her beliefs, but I love my sister and I do have to respect her beliefs.

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I'm so glad that with all these years in AA, that I have learned restraint of tongue, pen, and additionally, keyboard. I try to practice the principles of this program in all of my affairs. Sometimes I just fall back into old behavior, but I have learned to recognize that and take appropriate action. I love being sober and letting sobriety work in my life. It rocks.

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Idle thoughts of a wandering mind.

1. I had amnesia one, or twice
2. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
3. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
4. What is a "free gift? Aren't all gifts free.
5. They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
6. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
7. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
8. On nice thing about egoists, they don't talk about other people.
9. My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.
10. I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
11. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
12. How can there be self-help groups.
13. If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
14. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
15. Is it me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken.

Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer.
• My Sponsor
• My Right eye.
• A great message from a friend sharing her E S & H at Lambda's speaker meeting tonight.
• Not having written "Fuck You" with ice cream salt in my sister's lawn this time. (I did that in 1972) Now I'm sober.
• Wisdom each day from y'alls blogs.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

A Bit of humor

February 6 - There is only what serves you, and what does not. The terms "right" and "wrong" are relative terms. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 162

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I am very happy to report I came through a major resentment and won out with restraint of keyboard. It's all in perspective.

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Humor for Lexophiles (lovers of words) (Daave type)

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care center where a three-year old was resisting a rest.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, and resulted in linoleum blownapart.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat
• If you jump off a Paris Bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strand of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Acupuncture a jab well done.

Tonight I am Grateful for:

1. God, my Higher Power
2. My Sobriety
3. Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
4. My sponsor
5. My Right Eye
6. Today
7. Two good meetings today
8. All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Not Much Today

February 5 - Bless every person and condition, and give thanks. Thus you affirm the perfection of God's creation--and show your faith in it. For nothing happens by accident in God's world, and there is no such thing as coincidence. Nor is the world buffeted by random choice, or something you call fate Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1, pg 114.

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Not much of a post today and I did not read any of your blogs. I saw my retinologist today and am waiting for a report on some tests. However, she was quite pleased with the progress from two weeks ago. I love when my faith keeps me going. When it becomes my truth. My eyes were dilated as usual but some other drops were also used. So I'm not seeing too well tonight, but that will pass. Tomorrow is another day and my sight should be back to as normal as it is. Right now its all just blurry and the light hurts. But I'm sober and that's the ticket.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My Right Eye
• My Retinologist
• BaTTling a HUGE resentment, so far successfully.
• Restraint of keyboard.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

High School

February 4 - I will do nothing for you that you will not do for your Self. That is the law of the prophets. The world is in the condition it is in because of you, and the choices you have made--or failed to make. The Earth is in the shape it's in because of you, and the choices you have made--or failed to make. Your own life is the way it is because of you, and the choices you have made--or failed to make. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 50

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When I first read the meditation for today the hackles on the back of my neck came up. I mean this is in direct contradiction of the Promises. You know the one that says God is doing for you that which you CANNOT do for yourself.OOOPs! Misread! Will not is quite different from Cannot. My Bad.

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My high school years were not the best of my life, but I did have a lot of fun and was active in the band. My friends and I used to talk about being out until 3 or 4 in the morning and other friends would say they'd get killed if they did so. The difference - our parents knew they could pick up the phone and talk to us at any time. We were usually over at Madeline McCann's where we always crashed after the dances, movies, or whatever. Madeline had a great 45 collection and we would just dance the night away. Her Mother was usually in the kitchen fixing us something to eat. When she or the Mr. finally went to bed, we were sent home. And God help us if either one of them called our house and we were not there at the prescribed time. We felt special. We had their trust but it was a different time then in Aldine, Texas - a little country area North of Houston way back in 1957, 1958, 1959.

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However, the senior year was marred by the fact that the football B team gave my best friend (Kenneth Zonker) and I hell. Kenneth and I were always together and ran with the cheerleaders, band members, drama club and we were called the two queers. Now this was mostly perpetrated by the "B" team, the wanna be's. I did have a crush on Kenneth but it was not reciprocal as Kenneth was not gay. I have known since I was knee high to a grasshopper about my orientation. Kenneth was worldly in the sense that he had lived in South America, climbed mountains, been to the Orient (as it was called then. Neither one of was the butchest guy on campus but we were best friends. I did make a pass at Kenneth at one time and he just said he did not do that and that was that. Anyway, in first period Plane Geometry class a couple of the B jocks were giving us a hard time and one of them asked if we were really going steady. I just wanted to die and hoped the floor would open up and swallow me. I slammed my book shut, picked up my notebook and stormed out of the room and as I made my way to the front of the room to exit, I heard Kenneth say "No, asshole, we're married. I burst into tears and then ran to the counselor's office. Nothing really happened except that the counselor calmed me down and I made the third period class.

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Of course, by that time it was all over school about what had happened and there were a few snickers, but no real razzing. The B team continued their torment but it was not picked up by the rest of the guys. Especially not by the MOST of the regular jocks. But once I graduated, I came out, started drinking and decided that I had moved on from my high school friends, so I dropped them. About 36 years later in LA I came home from a weekend out on a Motorcycle Run and had a message on my phone. This woman said "Are you the Zane McMahon that went to Aldine High School" if so this is Sue Ann. Call me, I know live in Bakersfield and my son insisted I look you up on the Internet. This was 1996. Sue Ann? Sue Ann? OMG. So I called the woman and it turned out she was one of the old crowd. She kind of brought me up to date of everyone and as a result I reconnected with several of my old high school friends. Madeline and Kenneth were among them. Madeline was widowed and living in Houston, and Kenneth was a widower living in Huntsville and was head of the Art Department at Sam Houston.

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In 1997 I made a trip to Houston and Kenneth, Madeline and I got together at Ken's parents house in Aldine. Ken was recuperating from removal of a cancerous kidney. Of course I had told them I was gay, and it was not big shock to either. They both said SO...... We saw each other several other times and the three of us last got together Thanksgiving 2001. Kenneth Died quite suddenly in January 2002 while in his Doctors office for a checkup. Madeline remarried and moved to Tucson. I moved to Houston in 2004. Madeline moved back in 2006 and now she and I both are involved in the 50th reunion. As usual she is the instigator. So that is why I am going to my 50th reunion. Left on my own, N E V E R! Oh and Sue Ann, talked to her today, she is coming from Bakersfield. All together I have reconnected to about 8 of my hs friends so it will really be a Reunion. See, that is just like the promises - God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I just love the fruits of being sober. (Freudian use of words). Sobriety Rocks.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My right eye
• My left eye is better now on a daily basis.
• Thank you God.
• The turns, detours, roundabouts, etc. as I trudge the road to HD.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Just my gratitude

February 3 - Every heart has it's secret sorrows which the world knows not. Often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My right eye
• Today
• Upcoming 50th high school reunion
• Doing decorations for the reunion (what else would they give an old Queen to do)
• Humor - mine and yours
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Looking back and just saying - SOAPBOX.

February 2 - Did you see your shadow today?

Every heart has it's secret sorrows

Which the world knows not,

Oftentimes we call a man cold,

When he is only sad.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

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The above quote used to me my daily quote. It is a poem that I copied and kept in a small frame on desk at work for many years from about 1976. It is one of my favorites. I worked with this woman named Pat and she was just a bitch. Never very nice to anyone except her boss. She was quite snarky and loved to bring someones shortcomings to the attention of others in an unkind sort of way. A Bitch. One evening I read the poem in the Los Angeles Times, copied it and bought a 3 x 3 plastic frame for it and put it on my desk. A few people told me I should put it on Pat's desk. Pat picked it up from my desk one day and read it, quickly put it back and marched out of the area. A few days later I was in the bull pin by myself and she walked in and over to my desk, picked up the frame, looked at it, put it down, and said - "You finally know me." Now I was just floored. She then walked back to her area and in time she changed a bit. About two years later she got a promotion and we all wished her well. And we truly meant it. Lost track of her a couple of years later, but always think of her when I read it, which is often.

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SOAPBOX. A friend of mine told me the other night that he wasn't dropping by my blog anymore because I didn't post regularly . I mentioned sometimes I am not up to it and he said it only takes five minutes. I just let it go because I took it as a scolding. Now in reality this man was not scolding me, he was just speaking his mind. That is one of the reasons I have liked him and respect him. Still do. What I wanted to say was sometimes that 5 minutes is just so overwhelming that I just can't do it. When I am in a Depression the simplest of things is just insurmountable. I don't like it but it has to work its course sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. But the one thing that keeps me from just going totally bonkers is the knowledge that it will pass. I'm just so grateful that the length of time is now days instead of the weeks or months like it used to be. With professional help and practicing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I'm not only trudging the road of Happy Destiny in AA but in all my affairs. Now I do not feel that I have lost a friend, I know better. But it is one less thing that I can share with this friend. But he is still my friend. Off of SOAPBOX.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My right eye
• Improvement in my left eye.
• Friends that tell it like it is.
• Reading that Kentucky is started to thaw out.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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My Right Eye - Its Always Looking Grateful.

February 1 - God is the energy you call imagination. God is creation. God is first thought. And God is last experience. And God is everything in between. Meditations from "Conversations with God, Book 1"

page 198
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Hi there My ALKIE friends. Damned, by not blogging or checking the blogs the past few days I missed Pam's Birthday on the 30th. I hate that, I hate to miss out on things that are very important to my friends. Sorry Pam.

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The past few days I've been down with a flu-like icky sicky feeling. Felt better yesterday, went to Lambda for bday night. Awakened to day feeling worse. This damned weather does not help, two or three days of freezing at night, a bit warmer during the day and then 77 today. At last the phlegm has loosened and is vacating this ole bod, so I'll be back to well again. Well as well as this one can be.

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Speaking of well here's an update on my left eye. Ten days ago there was no vision, just outlines and light. About Wed The sight got better and has been increasingly better daily. I can now see fairly well, although foggily, at least I can see letters and tell what I am looking at. HUGE IMPROVEMENT. Yes I have thanked God. The drops are working. It still looks like surgery March/April. But I can handle that. I have to keep thinking that God does not give me more than I can handle, I sort of get away from that and then a very loving post from Prayer Girl reminded me to add My Right Eye to my list of gratitude. Damned, now why did I not think of that.

See - God sent me a note through Prayer Girl (what's in a name) just to show me HE is still working in my life. When I'm reminded to look at the big picture, it's not as gloomy as when I'm looking at just one aspect of it.

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But even with the eye, the flu, the depression, and all that Jazz, I have not even thought of drinking. That has just been removed from me for so long that it just does not come up. However, a couple of weeks ago I really really wanted to just get drunk and say fuck it all. But I did as I have been taught, I thought the drink through and the ending was not a pretty picture. I'm grateful for that, but it also reminded me that I have to be ever so vigilant in my sobriety because this demon disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful and I just have to remember No Way Today Jose or I don't Drink No Matter What. (Jose as in Cuervo) Like - he is no friend of mine. Sobriety Rocks. Thanks y'all. Thank ya God.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My Right Eye
• The difference a day makes

All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.