Monday Evening, June 30, 2008

This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be so exhilarating as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or we may be tripped over in the other direction, when, in rare cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. Twelve & Twelve, page 85

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Hey y'all, I could not decide on a quote so I picked up my "twelve and Twelve" and decided to use the first two sentences on the odd numbered page I opened it to. I still need praise and approval and I wilt at cool and skeptical reception. However, I am now much better than I was when I was out there, but every now and then I just need that little reassurance of praise, acceptance, or acknowledgement that I'm ok. Ok, so I'm one of those that are sicker than others. Maybe so, But I am sober.

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This past weekend I drove in the Houston Gay Pride Parade. Daave was the lead car with a red convertible and I was the 2nd and end vehicle in my Red Honda Pickup. Daave was transporting Mr. and Miss Lambda 2008 and I had a truckload of beads and bead tossers. We went through 8 cases of beads and the crowds just loved them. We were more to the end of the parade than in the prior two years and the crowd was drunker than previously. But they were having fun and just loving it. I always do a trip down memory lane when I drive in the parade.

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My first parade was in Los Angeles in 1975 on my motorcycle. We did precision riding and had a blast, there was about 25 of us. The last time I rode in the Los Angeles Parade was in 1992 and my bike club, The Warriors Motorcycle Club of Los Angeles was the honor guard and led the parade. But the feeling then in no way compares to way I feel when going down Westheimer.

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Houston is my hometown. I remember when it was illegal for us to congregate. Oh yeah we had baars, but they were constantly raided and they'd haul off a few to jail for indecent behavior. The indecent behavior was having your hand on the shoulder or around the waist of a same-sex friend. I can remember private house parties being raided just because it was a gathering of gays. I especially remember one Halloween Costume party on Marshall St in 1963 when the cops came. I was 21 slender and my first time in drag. I want you to know that when they hit the front door, US queens hit the back door and jumped over this six foot chainlink fence. There was skin, chiffon, sequins, and all kinds of drag crap hanging on that fence but most of us got away. I never thought to take off those damned high heels, I just got a burst of energy and I think If I had had to I could have jumped over the moon.

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The kids nowadays are so lucky to live in the atmosphere that we have today. It is nowhere perfect, but it sure is a hell of lot better than it used to be. It will get better, If you don't believe it look at the last 39 years. It just keeps getting better.

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In 1962 I was drunk as a skunk as I ran in those heels. Today I am a sober member of society. I am of service to my fellow beings. I am a work in progress, never to gain perfection, but I sure as hell am enjoying the ride. And it just don't get much better than that.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

That I will be at my sisters from Wednesday to Monday.

The group from Saturday Night Lambda float.

The notes from all of you during my short hyatus.

This being a WE program.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hi. I'm just not up to blogging right now. It's just one more thing that I feel I have to do. There is not that much on my plate right now, but I just have a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. I know that when that occurs, that it is time to let something go for awhile. So, I will be back this coming Monday, if not before, but I will be reading your blogs. That way I can still be connected. And of course there are the meetings. Today is shrink day and I will discuss this with him. See ya Monday, June 30, 2008.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday Night, June 21, 2008

Don't go through life, grow through life. Author unknown
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Hi y'all. Hope all is well out there in the blogosphere. Today has been an up and down day for me, swinging in and out of depression. Had dinner with Rick and Daave at El Paraiso and then went to the speaker meeting at Lambda Center. Tonight's speaker related the violence in her home growing up culminating with the suicide of her mother by gun. This just really completed my downward spiral into depression. Whamo - all the crap from my own violent upbringing just reared its ugly head. My first reaction was to leave - run, get out. But I have a rule to stay seated and try to wait it out. I did and I listened and in listening to her I saw how our stories were interwoven with so many similarities. She also talked about how she was going to be 54 next month - the same age her mother was when she committed suicide. She had been warned by many counselors that the year would be rough as it was a significant anniversary. However, she said that she compared her place in her life vs her mother's place in her life at that time and the two were incomparable. She had her 18 years of sobriety, a sound support group, a good balanced life. Her mother had none of these. So she felt like she could meet 54 head-on and make it. As she talked, and shared her experience hope and strength about her life in sobriety, my depression lifted somewhere in the middle of that. To me it was a God shot. If I had left when my run for my life anxiety kicked in, I would have left 5 minutes before the miracle that we hear and read about. Thank you God, it just doesn't get much better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

My Sponsors, past and current.

The spiritual experience of God working in my life tonight.

My friends.

The amazing strength and power of the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, June 19, 2008

Tonight I am grateful for:
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God, My Higher Power
My sobriety
Mamie, my schnauzer
My Sponsor
A very good meeting at 12:15 PM at Lambda, great sharing of experience, strength and hope in maintaining sobriety.
Lunch with Luke, a sober friend.
Talking with my sister, Rosalie.
Another 24 hours of sobriety.
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It just don't get much better than that.
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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday Evening, June 18, 2008

SOBRIETY ROCKS!
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Hey y'all, how the hell are you. I've been out of touch for two whole very long and HOT days. I've been having electrical probs for a few weeks and Centerpoint came out Monday (I was expecting them Tuesday) and found that the meter Jaws and the Meter wiring was shorting out. I was at a movie and when I got home at 7 PM my garage door would not open So I thought, shit, another outage. Got out of the car, got to the front door and I had a Centerpoint Hanger on my door knob. They had removed my meter and cut off my electricity due to unsafe conditions. I needed to get an electrician. So, I called Leonard the electrician. He could not make it that night, but could swing by about 9AM Tuesday and fix it. Sounded like music to my ears.

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So I called my friend Joe, and he said to come over and share his a/c and dinner. The air felt so good after being in the heater I call home. It was 99 out here on Monday. Joe and I sat up and talked until midnight and then turned in for the night. I did not sleep well at all even with the cool air. I had forgotten my Sleep Apnea machine, So I kept waking up. While having coffee with Joe the next morning, my cell rang and it was Leonard. My meter jaw and wiring was complete (cost - $145.00 thank you GOD) and I needed to call TXU and have them call Centerpoint and request a reconnect. I did and they gave me a 4 hour window at 10 AM. I was home at 10:30 and no sign of them. I did not need to be home for that, but I wanted to be. Well I am down to shorts, drinking 52 ounces jugs of water, and then a 52 ounce diet caffeine free coke. I alternated Throughout the day. I also used a pan of water with ice in it to keep a small towel wet with COLD water. That helped. At 7:30 PM mr Centerpoint rolled up and did the deed with the meeter and voila, like magic, the lights came on, the A/C started and the 36 hours of accumulated heat was starting to dissipate.

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So, shopping I went to cool off, had a burger for dinner at an air conditioned spot, and back home by 9:30 PM. It had cooled down to 82 and I was absolutely pooped. I took a hot shower and then kept the water temp declining until I was just rinsing in total cold water. WONDERFUL. I then took my evening meds and put my big ass to bed with lights out at 11:30 and slept nonstop until 12:30 this afternoon. I have recovered. And all of this was just another 48 hours living life on life's fucking terms. And it was completely sober. It don't get much better than that.

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TONIGHT I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

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God, My Higher Power who never puts me through anything that I don't come out of.

My sobriety, that gives me the strength to get through rough times.

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer, that was a little lady at Joe's house Monday Night.

My Sponsor.

Seeing JFK, Gary, and JFK's Mom at K-Bob's steakhouse in Brenham on Sunday after the awful antique show in Brenham. It was a mini-meeting.

God Shots.

Life being good.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Most human actions are motivated at their deepest level by one of two emothion-fear or love. June 14 Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 15

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A blonde heard that taking a milk bath would make her more beautiful. So she decided to take a milk bath and left the milkman a not for 25 gallons of milk.

Upon reading the note, the milkman determined that she made a mistake and really wanted 2.5 gallons of milk. He rang the doorbell.

The blonde answered the door and he asked her did she mean 2.5 gallons of milk. She told him no she wanted 25 gallons to fill her bathtub for a beauty bath.

Then the milkman asked her if she want the milk pasturized.

She said No, just up to the tits, I can splash it on my face.

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Bada Bing, Bada boom.

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Have a great weekend all.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, June 12, 2008

For thousands of years people have disbelieved the promises of God for the most extraordinary reasons: they were to good to be true. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, page 41

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I think some people believe the promises of AA in the same way as above. I can truthfully say that all of the promises have come true for me. They just all aren't always happening at the same time. But they come true when I need them most. And it don't get much better than that.

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My left eye is almost back to normal as far as the dilation goes. It will take about 6 - 10 weeks for the sight to get back to normal and she says it should. This was the longest surgery she has done and my left eye was dilated to the point that the Iris looked like a sliver around the the pupil. Sunlight and lights do make it uncomfortable, but that will soon pass. I will be so glad when this is all over and I can get new glasses. I tell you one thing, if you have diabetes, do not skip having your eyes checked on an annual basis. I skipped for two years and if I had not, this could have been avoided. But God, my HP, has smiled on me and the prognosis is that I should have a full recovery.

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I saw Kung Fu Panda today. What a delightful movie. I could not help but see a resemblance between the Master and Sonny at Lambda. This is a compliment, as those of you that see the movie and know Sonny will agree. I identified with the Panda. Now I am not in any stretch a hero, but our waste lines match. HE HE.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer. (still OCD with the window)

My Sponsor.

They steady hand of the retinologist.

Getting home safely after the procedure. (Daave said he would have driven me if I had asked, but I've never needed a driver for just one eye. But he's a jewel)

My friends.

Gratitude lists from two Lambda people.

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Y'all be pretty now, ha heah.

Wednesday Nigh June 11, 2008

Hi, left eye is still about half dilated, so I see a lot of blur. This is probably my shortest post. Hopefullly more tomorrow.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, June 10 2008

Every Heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not; Often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

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Hi. I've got the ouchies tonight. I had another laser surgery on my left eye this morning at 10 AM. This was the worst one yet. I had to have more numbing about one third of the way through. I slowly made it home and by mid afternoon

I was really in pain. So I used the eyedrops, and a cold pack. Helped some, it is much better tonight. I so hope this is the last one. Time will tell.

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I have not visited any of y'alls posts today but will tomorrow. I cannot imagine having this done while I was still out there. I just know that I sure as hell glad to be going through this in sobriety. Sobriety ROCKS. And is DOESN"T get much better than that.

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Y'all be pretty now ya heah.

Monday Night, June 9, 2008

I tell you this: you are your own rule-maker. You set the guidelines. And you decide how well you have done; how well you are doing. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1., Page 41

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Hi y'all, how the hell are ya. Well, I think I'm back to just being me. Had a decent weekend. Did dinner with Daave and Rick and then the Lambda speaker meeting on Saturday night. Yesterday I went to the Angelika Theatre in downtown Houston to see Flawless with Michael Caine and Demi Moore. Quite a fun movie. Yesterday was also the first Sunday since last March that I did not spend the day with my friend Joe. He was invited over to dinner with some other friends and he accepted. I am so glad he did this, we have all been concerned that he just might start isolating. This coming Sunday, Joe and I have planned to go to an Antique Show in Navasota I think or at least out that direction.

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Week before last I mentioned that I wanted to do a post on the Wit and Wisdom of Mae West. I can't find the frigging book. I know I still have it. I have everything hers that I can get my hands on. My dining room is decorated with Mae West Posters, personally autographed glossies. I think she was a woman way ahead of her time. She was a good friend of one of my Mother's friends. And when Mae came to Houston with her act to the Shamrock Hotel in the 50's, Aunt Julie and she would get in a good visit. They both had suites at the Shamrock. Of course I was just a little boy and all I knew about Mae West was that the life vest used by boaters in the 40's and 50's were called Mae Wests. I had no idea it was because of her ample bosoms. Oh, to have that innocence again. I think. Aunt Julie died in September of 1957 when she was fell under her Lincoln Premiere and was pinned under it. She was dead when they found her the next morning. Now she was not really my aunt, but it was not uncommon back then for parents best friends to be called aunt or uncle.

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Aunt Julie had money. Lots of it. One time she took a cruise on the Queen Mary around the world in about 1950. She was having a house built on her property on Old River in Channelview. She told the builder to build the house within the boundaries of a group of trees, the square footage of the house with the dimensions of the master bedroom. She was gone for months. When she came home, the house was finished. It was a diamond shape, but the builder adhered to her wishes. It was a very strange house, and I loved to go over there. I was really intrigued with the odd shape of the house. After her death, the house just sat there, uninhabited and was heavily damaged by Hurricane Carla in 1961 and there is no trace of it now. Most of Channelview is now just chemical companies or petroleum based businesses.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Receiving gratitude lists from two fellow trudgers via email.

Finding gas for $3.85 at Costco.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

The world is in the condition it's in because the world is full of sleepwalkers. Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, Page 191

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I can't ever remember having sleepwalked, but then that is probably not what the quote is talking about. I think it is referring to those that go through life in a daze, not contributing, but taking. I know some people that I think go through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous like that and they are usually the ones that just walk in the front door, walk round and round and round, never picking up a thing and then heading for the back door and out, never to be heard from again. Luckily, I have not followed that path. I was told to hang with the winners and learn and do the next right thing. That is the path I chose to take. And I am blessed each and every day with that choice. It just don't get much better than that!

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Nature's beauty that I get to see every day.

The gift of life, even though it is on life's terms.

Music

That tonight I will have dinner with friends and go to the Lambda speaker meeting.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, June 5 2008

If you believe that God is some omnipotent Being who hears all prayers, say "yes" to some, "no to others, and "maybe, not now" to the rest,m you are mistaken. By what rule of thumb would God decide? June 5 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 13

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Hi y'all. A bit under the weather today. Actually since about 3 am. I could not go to sleep because I had heart burn something fierce, plus feeling queasy and a headache. I finally wretched a couple of times, washed my mouth out and washed my face and put a cool rag on my head. Bless Mamie, she just was so loving and attentive. I then started crying because she reminded me Dolly and then I thought -Geez, the last time I cried after vomiting was when I was drinking. A pleasant flashback. I finally got to sleep about 6 am and awakened at 11 am. Still sick. Just stayed in bed, and drank lots of liquids and some diet caffeine free coke. Then the trots set it. That lasted about 2 hours. It is now 11:17 PM and I feel better, but still quite funky.

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Still angry, but I think I know why I am angry. It is about my friend Karl. Karl was a very heavy drinker. He entered the program with a nudge from work a couple of times and once a nudge from the judge. Absolutely hated it. Did what he had to do to stay out of jail and from losing his job and then right back to his drinking. He was never late to work nor missed work due to his drinking but could be hard to deal with. I'm angry with him for dying from pancreatic cancer. This is one of the illnesses that strikes alcoholics. Plus he was also a dibetic and this also can be a precursor for pancan. I'm angry with him for allowing this to happen to himself. He never criticized me for being in AA but it was not for him. I do not mean to be judgemental, but I wonder if he would still be alive if he had quite drinking when he first went into AA about 35 years ago. We will never know. I do know this though, I am so glad that I am blessed with sobriety. And it is sobriety and the principals and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that has given me the life I have today. I miss Karl, but I am still angry with him. Time will heal that.

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Tonight I am Grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Having the sense to stay at home when I'm ill.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday Night, June 4, 2008

Fear is the other end of love. It is the primal polarity. June 4, Meditations from Conversations With God Book 1 Page 57

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I'm sort of pissed off tonight. I know it will pass, but right now I'm just rolling with it. It's sort of at the fuck off stage right now. It's combined with a feeling of rejection and I just cannot tolerate that anymore because the next thing I know I will be in a depression. So I'm putting up the STOP sign, pissed off feeling, fuck off.

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I have had Mamie for one month now. We are getting more and more used to each other every day. She is a totally different dog than Dolly was. I like this and I want her to be her own dog, but I sure wish that she had some of Dolly in her. Well, actually she does, just lets it out differently. She has the schnauzer personality. But Mamie needs OCD counseling. Yes, OCD counseling. ??? I only have one window in the house that goes from floor to ceiling and that is in my dining room and looks out on the front porch and driveway.

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Now Miss Mamie just parks herself in front of this window. A Nat can fly by and she growls. A frog or a lizard get a rambunctious bark, a run around the dining table and back to the window for some more barking and a repeat of the dining room table. This will continue until the "trespasser" is out of sight. The other night she just went nuts and I went over to the window to see what it was and a lizard had come across the five foot porch and was on the bottom window ledge. Now this was tantamount to a "burglary." She calmed down after the Lizard left.

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Now I can tell if its a varmint or a person. The other day a neighbor came over and her growl and bark were of a totally different tone. I mean, her stance was at attention her ears perked and ruff, ruff, ruff very deep. A car driving by gets a growl, a cat or dog gets the "Varmint" reaction. I know that pretty soon she will have a circular path around the dining table.

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One thing that I love about Mamie is that she is very affectionate. She jumps up in the chair with me after whining or growling to get my attention. She does wait for a go ahead. She is very obedient and this is unlike Dolly. Dolly had very selective hearing. She minded when it was convenient for her. It did have its charm, but could be very aggravating. Mamie loves to cuddle at night when we go to bed and the lights and TV are off. Then she scoonches up next to me and lays her head on my upper arm. But she, like Dolly, does not wake me unless she needs to go outside. That is a growl, a bark, and to the bedroom door with another bark. So we are doing pretty good. I do love her and vice versa. Its just going to take a period of adjustment and I think we are doing very well at that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my schnauzer

My sponsor

My friends

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, June 3, 2008

Feeling guilty is a learned response. June 3 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 119
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Hi y'all. Not a lot to say tonight. A very uneventful but sober day. Sometimes I forget to add that the day is or was a sober day. They have been sober days for so long I just take it for granted that everyone knows. That is something I want to include in my postings from now on. It was a sober day. I like that. Sobriety is what I have, it is what I want, it is the most important thing in the world to me, well right after my Higher Power, God. It wasn't always like that, but it is now and that's just as good as it gets.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer.

My sponsor.

My friends.

My family.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday Night, June 2, 2008

Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them. June 2 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1 page 122

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I guess I would have to say "guilty" to the above quote. I never thought of it that way. However, I do put a lot into a relationship so maybe that is just my past actions coming forth. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

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Had a really nice weekend. Spent Sunday with my friend Joe and we went for a drive intending to go to Burton, Texas. Burton is a little town about 100 miles west of Houston out State 290. In the late sixties and early 70's we used to go out there at least once a month on Saturday notes to a club called the Brazos Belle. It was owned by a friend of ours and they always had a live band on Saturday nights. Just an old country watering hole. And we really watered ourselves. Sometimes as many as 20 of us descended on the place. It was not unusual for us to bring sleeping bags and stay overnight in the place and then get up and have brunch. Either Joe or myself were the cooks. Quite often we split the cooking such as one did the eggs and one did the bacon and hash browns. I usually did the eggs. Several others did the Bloody Mary's. Of course we arrived in Burton with all the supplies to cook and drink. My eggs were usually 12 dozen eggs, cheddar cheese, diced green onions, bell pepper (green and red), button mushrooms with either milk or sour cream for fluffy eggs. We ate well.

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I always mixed the ingredients together, pre-browning the onions, bell peppers, and mushrooms. The the whole kit and kaboodle went into this huge iron kettle and I would stand there and stir the mixture until it started to gel into scrambled eggs. During all this preparation we had numerous bloody Marys. One time I just kept stirring these eggs, and stirring them, and they were not thickening. I got Joe to stir as the bacon and hash browns were done and I needed to get the biscuits (homemade mind you) in the oven. He also stirred and stirred. More Bloody Mary's for the Chef's please, hic. Finally after about 30 minutes of stirring, telling jokes, laughing, more Bloody Marys, this one friend we called Diana (he loved Diana Ross) told a joke and then looked at the stove and said in a Booming voice, Girls, don't you think the eggs would cook quicker if you had the fucking fire lit? What a concept. Light the fire. We have laughed about that for years. Most of those people from those parties died of aids except for Joe, my friend Larry (who know lives in San Francisco), and myself. We had a great time together, but it came to an end all too soon. But those memories will never be gone. I revel in those.

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Anyway, Joe and I got out as far as the Brookshire cutover and it was 3 PM and we decided it was too late to really make it to Burton, so Brookshire here we came. We took US 90 back to Katy and then the 10 back into Houston. It was still a nice afternoon. We talked, we laughed, and enjoyed each others company.

Then to Joe's for a Chicken and 13 Bean soup a client of Joe's had brought over on Saturday. He has a fridge full of Soups and casseroles that Clients and friends have brought over so he does not need to cook. This 13 bean and Chicken soup will have to be a subject for another post.

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So, as I said at the beginning of this post, I had a very pleasant weekend. Birthday meeting of Saturday night with friends. And a Sunday with Joe. And I added one more weekend of sobriety to the many that have come before. Doesn't get much better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power that leads, guides, and directs me on my daily journey.

My Sobriety which is so comforting with the riches it has brought me.

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer whom I grow with and lover more every day.

My Sponsor, who is loving and supportive.

Receiving a gratitude list from another sober friend from the 12:15 meeting.

A life enriched with both long term and short term friends.

The future of growth with both.

My strong spiritual connection that sustains me through life's challenges.

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Y'all be pretty, now ya heah.