Thursday, June 5, 2008

Thursday Night, June 5 2008

If you believe that God is some omnipotent Being who hears all prayers, say "yes" to some, "no to others, and "maybe, not now" to the rest,m you are mistaken. By what rule of thumb would God decide? June 5 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 13
Hi y'all. A bit under the weather today. Actually since about 3 am. I could not go to sleep because I had heart burn something fierce, plus feeling queasy and a headache. I finally wretched a couple of times, washed my mouth out and washed my face and put a cool rag on my head. Bless Mamie, she just was so loving and attentive. I then started crying because she reminded me Dolly and then I thought -Geez, the last time I cried after vomiting was when I was drinking. A pleasant flashback. I finally got to sleep about 6 am and awakened at 11 am. Still sick. Just stayed in bed, and drank lots of liquids and some diet caffeine free coke. Then the trots set it. That lasted about 2 hours. It is now 11:17 PM and I feel better, but still quite funky.
Still angry, but I think I know why I am angry. It is about my friend Karl. Karl was a very heavy drinker. He entered the program with a nudge from work a couple of times and once a nudge from the judge. Absolutely hated it. Did what he had to do to stay out of jail and from losing his job and then right back to his drinking. He was never late to work nor missed work due to his drinking but could be hard to deal with. I'm angry with him for dying from pancreatic cancer. This is one of the illnesses that strikes alcoholics. Plus he was also a dibetic and this also can be a precursor for pancan. I'm angry with him for allowing this to happen to himself. He never criticized me for being in AA but it was not for him. I do not mean to be judgemental, but I wonder if he would still be alive if he had quite drinking when he first went into AA about 35 years ago. We will never know. I do know this though, I am so glad that I am blessed with sobriety. And it is sobriety and the principals and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that has given me the life I have today. I miss Karl, but I am still angry with him. Time will heal that.
Tonight I am Grateful for:
God, my higher power.
My sobriety.
Mamie, my miniature schnauzer.
My sponsor.
Having the sense to stay at home when I'm ill.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


antimicky said...

Anger is a part of grief and it will pass. Our paths are ours alone and we all get to walk them as we see fit. You and I are lucky that we have guides for the walking.

Pam said...

You are very lovable.

dAAve said...

I've learned that I gotta let people live their own lives, even when I know what's best for them. After all, they let me live my life.

Scott W said...


Bill said...

Yep, you're going through the normal grief process. Your feelings are just part of it, and they will pass once you have allowed yourself to fully experience them.

Trailboss said...

Yes, anger is a part of griefing. It is just what we have to go through in order to heal. I so hate that you are going through all of this, but remember, your puppy is there for you and only wants to please. Aren't dogs great?

BTW I meant to ask you, did you look at the trots? LOL

Zane-nawwaa said...

Of course. I know a trailboss that would not have it any other way.