Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Not Yet Back On Track

I understand your fatigue. I know you are tired of the struggle. Yet I tell you this: When you follow ME the struggle disappears. Sept 30, Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1, Page 115
About Monday after Ike had been gone for a few hours, Rosalie, Sam, and I were talking. The conversation was about how off everything seemed to be. Sam spoke up and said yeah, Everything is just out of balance. Now that just hit the nail on the head. Not off, not strange, just out of balance. I have not felt much like posting these past few days and have just made a small note or two to stay connected. I finally got up out of my chair to do a note and decided to try to at least get back to my format of
  • A quote.
  • A few lines of what is going on or what I'm thinking.
  • A statement of Sobriety
  • Gratitude list
  • And my sign off Y'all be Pretty.

So I sat down and turned to Sept 30 in my Meditations from Conversations With God. The quote is above, and one more time since IKE, I am amazed at how right on the quote hit me at this time in my life. "WOW!" Did I let go of my spiritual self without realizing that I had done so? I have to be spiritually fit or else I would just be a total basket case, which is not too far from the truth. And then I realized, I'm just a bit off track. Sam's statement came to the forefront of my thoughts and I now know that is what is going on with me. I'm just a bit off track. I know that if I was not Sober that I'd be way off track. Or would I Be? No, I'm just off balance. And that is ok. I've been teetering on depression, anxiety, and a bit of a panic. But I have not gone there. I'm just off balance.


I've been waiting for the feeling of being out of body and disconnected but that is not what it is. I have times that I feel like I am present but disconnected from the activity as if I'm in a corner above the room or space and just observing what is going on and have a feeling of total incomprehensible disconnect. I want to shout out directives, orders, and get myself and others back to normal. Then in time, I have come down from the corner of the room and rejoined the activity that is happening and everything is fine until the next time. And there always is a next time.


The difference between those episodes when they first started is that I know eventually I will reconnect. Things will return to "normal." Now I know that I am not actually floating in the upper part of the room, but that is the sensation that part of my mind has. At the time of the episode it is REAL and is easy to describe to my therapist or psychiatrist. They call it an escapist sensation. I'm so glad that it is a sensation and not a feeling that it is real.


I try to keep spiritually fit. I pray at least twice a day. I continually thank God for several things throughout my day so I have a continual spiritual connection. And I do manage to stay sober on a daily basis. God is not an Indian Giver and he did not give me this gift of sobriety to take it away or allow me to return it. And for that I am so grateful and thankful. Sobriety is wonderful. And it just does not get much better than that.


Today I am grateful for:

  • God, my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie, my schnauzer
  • My Sponsor
  • Understanding connections
  • My psychiatrist
  • Rosalie and Sam
  • That we have remained Sober to experience this side of IKE.


Now y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


Pam said...

It's funny how GOOD balance and normalcy feel when we get sober.
I'm glad you weathered the storm and are back home now.

dAAve said...

Ceep Koming Back.

J-Online said...

I love your sign off! It makes me smile every time I read it.

Scott W said...

That narrow road gets tight sometimes. You'll get your equilibrium back soon.

Akannie said...

Great reminders, Queenie *grin*. I love the way CWG has been spot on ever since the first time I picked it up and opened a page.

I try to stay in the middle today, in sobriety and in life. Not always easy with so many external factors, but prayer is the portal, that much I know.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

That Conv w/ God Meditation Book sounds like a good investment....


I think your post gave me far more than your stated expectations in the beginning. In other words, I thought it would be a short, short post - maybe a little short on substance, BUT it wasn't that at all. I know the more you just open up and share what's going on, the more you will move back to that place of balance.
Keep up the good work. Glad to hear from you today. I appreciated it.

AlkySeltzer said...

ZJ, glad to see you back in the saddle. What?

Anyway, I have a comment, rather a question. If you have a continual connection with God through the day, are you not praying all day?

Instead of "praying twice a day"? But at least you're praying...and so am I.