Wednesday Night, April 30, 2008

My teachers have all come with the same message. Not "I am holier than thou," but "you are as holy as am I. April 30 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 127
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Well, things are looking up. Last night I filled out an application with Miniature Schnauzer Rescue of Service. This morning at 7:48 I had a call from a lady from there and she had already talked to my vet and got a good reference and approved my application. I had put down a dog name HOLLY on the application but she had been adopted, but she had a cutie named MUFFIN that was 3 years old. So I met her at noon and Muffin is a doll. Lots of kisses and all that so I said yes. She has all her shots for the year as of Friday, a three year rabies vac, toys, a nice bed, 30days of food and cookies. So home we started and we had only gotten down to the corner of Ella and 1960 and the passenger window went down and out the window went Muffin's head. I hit the up button on the window and she sat back down in the seat. I kid you not, not a second later she put her paw on the window button and down again and out went the head. Now Dolly loved to look out the window and get the wind but she never did the window herself. Muffin is one smart schnauzie. I locked the window buttons. That's the end of that.

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I'm not sure about the name Muffin. A friend of mine said he can just see and hear me out in the yard yelling "Here Muffin" and thought I might just as well name her Tiz. Here are a few of the names I've thought of, Scarlet, MuMu, Lady Astor, Miss Mae (her birthday is August 17, same as Mae West). I may not change it, but Muffin just sounds so YUPPIE. I think of Gloria Upson (from Auntie Mame) just thinking of the name. Lots of time for that.

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Now, of course, this does not minimize the loss of Dolly. I got Dolly the day after I lost Shatzi, and she helped me through the grief. I think Miss M will help me do the same. I talked to her about Dolly and she just cuddled up next to me and looked up at me like "What in the hell are talking about." She is very smart, knows Sit, Stay, NO, Outside, Walk. And Lays with her head away from me while I eat. So the previous Mommie really spent some time training her.

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After the phone call this morning, I said a special thank you to God, and again I told him I was sorry for being mad and pompous yesterday. I think he understood that I was not intending to commit blasphemy. Anyway, the point is that I am working through this, staying sober, and will proceed one day at a time. It works.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety which has taught me to do the next indicated thing.

Memories of Dolly.

Muffin, My Schnauzer. (I will turn the name thingy over and take it from there)

My Sponsor.

For a quick find through a rescue group.

Feeling blessed because I reached out to give love and a home to a loving little Doggie.

The beautiful silver color of Muffin that just shines in the sunlight.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, April 29, 2008

Are you not being allowed to experience everything? The tears, the joy, the pain, the gladness, the exaltation, the massive depression, the win, the lose, the draw? What more is there? April 29, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page158.

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Wow! Can you believe the meditation for today? Man that is just right on for this time in my life. Another God Shot.

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Today has not been so bad. I went to the 12:15 meeting arriving 15 minutes late. I did something I usually do not do if I am late, but I did share. The topic was forgiveness and I had a special forgiveness to do. Yesterday I was very angry with God, I told him how dare he do this to Dolly, to me. How dare he, did he not know how this would hurt? Blah, blah, blah. And I did this in my prayer before bedtime. Of course it came to me that this was insanity. That God did not DO anything to me and I had to express forgiveness and ask forgiveness for myself. And I was able to forgive myself for my outburst. AND, as I should know, I go a lot of love from the group. However, my share was not for the attention, but to let out was happening and how I relied on the principles of AA and how I try to live them in all my affair. Of course, the love and support was incredible. Almost as incredible as the comments on my blog this morning. I also got an email of condolence from a good friend of mine that read the blog. His closing remark was "courage Camille." I love it. It was love with humor. Humor exists in everything, we just have to be accepting of it. I mean, really, the last thing Dolly did in her life was pee all over me. Now in the scope of it all, that was funny. Or was she saying Piss on You Asshole, How dare you put me down. I do not think so.

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Today was shrink day. I really unloaded a lot, most of it about Dolly and some of the things I have been holding on to. A very good and healing session.

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Tonight I have been on the internet at Petfinders.com and looking at rescue schnauzers. I got Dolly through a rescue group and I will get my next schnauzer from one of them. I paid $125 for Dolly in 1998. The going rate today is 2-300. It is well worth it. I found two little female doggies for which I have filled out an application. I'm in no rush, I just want to fill my house and my life with that unconditional love again. Peppy, Shatzi, and Dolly all gave me that and I want MORE of it.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

The blessing to have Dolly's love for 10 wonderful years.

My loving sponsor.

The love from you, fellow bloggers.

AA

Forgiveness.

Acceptance.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday Night, April 28, 2008

Every heart has it's secret sorrows; that the world knows not;
And often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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DOLLY., April 4, 1993 - April 28, 2008
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To say I am sad just does not begin to touch the way I have felt all day. At 2 am this morning my Dolly had the first of three seizures. The second one came about 5 AM and the third came as we were leaving the vet at about 10 AM. I took her back in and at that time made one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make. I chose to have her life come to an end. This was after a long talk with the vet and associates. They could not have been more loving and caring. They let me hold her for awhile before the last shot she was to receive. I just lost it. I cried and cried and tried to stifle it but it was just a high pitched moan escaping from my throat, so I just bawled and it was not so eerie sounding. Dolly peed on me about that time, and she was just limp. This was before the final shot. Then the vet administered the shot and Dolly was gone in about the flash of a light. I ache for her. She is out of her pain and I am in mine for this great loss. But even though I feel the loss and the incredible emptiness of my house this day, I am thankful that she did not have a long period of chronic pain/disease and that it was all over with in 8 hours from beginning to end.

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I got Dolly on October 16, 1998, the day after I had put down my Shatzi (schnauzer) that I had for 14 years. I got Dolly through a Schnauzer Rescue Group in Los Angeles. I can still see her running out from the kennels and jumping into my arms the first day I saw her. We bonded immediately. I could not have asked for a more loving little girl than was Dolly. We were seldom apart. For that I am thankful. She loved to travel and was a very good traveler. We made trips to San Francisco, Tucson, Seattle, two to Houston from LA, and to Central Maine in 2005. We ran on the beach at the outer banks of North Carolina. We ran on the beach in Los Angeles and Malibu. She traveled with me on a daily basis and from the day I got her until moving to Houston she rode with me to AA meetings. Some she went into, on invitation, and others she just sat in the car. We were always there for each other. She loved riding over to Silsbee to my sister Rosalies. Rosalie has a little jack russell named Bessie. She and Dolly played and ran just like a couple of cousins and then would lay down together and nap. I have never had a pet I was so close to as I was with her. That of course is largely due to the fact that I have been medically retired since March 26 2002. And I am so glad we had that luxury. I have a lot of memories, too many to post, but some of those memories might come forth in future posts.

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Tonight I am Grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety,

Dolly and the memories of a most loving pet.

My Sponsor who was so loving today.

Daave and Scott who reached out to me today.

Not being ashamed to CRY.

Joe and Karl for being there when I lost Dolly and had me come over even with what they are going through.

The loving caring friends.

Rosalie, my sister, who cried when I called her about Dolly.

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Dolly, you be pretty for Daddy, now, ya heah.

SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 2008

Only when you say "I did this" can you find the power to change it. April 27 Meditations from Conversation with God, Book 1
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Lordy, this year is one third gone. And most of it was taken up by a few of last nights "speakers" at Lambda's Birthday Night. But all in all, it was a good nite with a group of people trudging through recovery and sharing their experience strength and hope.

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This afternoon I am going over to Joe and Karl's for the rest of the day. Karl is now in Hospice home care. This started this past Friday. He has a hospital bed, a wheel chair if needed, and a plethora of other medical equipment. He finds the bed very comfortable as he cannot sleep laying down, he has to be in a semi sitting up position. They are both adjusting and are showing incredible strength as they start on this last leg of Karl's journey. It has been just a year since the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. Most Pancan patients are gone by 9 months and very few see a year. Only about 1% of those with the disease survive. My life has been blessed with the friendship of Karl these past 30 years and I am glad I can be there for he and Joe during this most difficult time of their lives. Joe is like my brother, we have been friends for over 40 years. I can't help but think this is one of the reasons that I decided to move back to Houston after 32 years in California. Whatever.

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Earlier today I was wiping my runny nose with a piece of paper towel and my left eyelid shut on the corner of it. Ouch, pain. 3 Hours later my left eye is solid blood shot and swollen. I have rinsed it with filtered cold water, but it looks like I have been on a toot. It will pass.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God my Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My Sponsor, who celebrated 26 years last night.

The inspiration of those who have came after and before me on the road to happy destiny.

The promise of thunder showers this afternoon.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, April 24, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows; which the world knows not;

Often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Hey there, my alkie friends. What a day I had today, oi vay. Really not that bad. Just always wanted to use that line on my blog without seeming so dramatic. Got up at my usual Noon AM. (ha) let Dolly out to do her duty, and did a couple of things in my nice clean kitchen. I even cleaned up after cooking last night, and my plan is to clean after every meal. Yeah right. I always intend to do that, but I am going to make a concerted effort to follow through. Maybe this ole drunk can learn new behaviors. Imagine that.

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I also had a couple of IM's from two friends surprised to see I was signed on at 9 AM. Not near as surprised as I. I was sound asleep at that hour. Don't know why I was signed on, but this is the second day in a row. Guess it was the internet gremlins.

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I was exchanging IM's with my friend Joe when I heard this loud BZZT, the lights flickered, and out they went. It is 1:15 PM. All my phones were out also. But I do keep an old fashioned one connected just for this reason. It was strange to hear the de do dot do de do do as I entered the numbers and heard the dialing after I completed the input. Anyway, I called Joe and told him I was not ignoring the rest of the IM but the lights were out. After that, I went out and got the mail and the paper. Then got a tub of wash together, can't do that w/o juice. Sat in my chair, and thought well, I'll do this or do that and quickly came to the realization that everything I was going to required electricity. So I showered, dressed, and went to a movie - 21. So so movie. Got home at 5 PM and still no power. It came back on about 6:30 PM.

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Tomorrow is my double dip day for meetings. Always look forward to these. I guess I could say I go meeting hopping on Friday. Nah, that's too close to bar hopping and those days have long been gone. I really enjoy my sobriety, and the mostly full memory of each day. What a change. I'm blessed.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, My Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Sober Soldier has 7 days today. (Stirred up memories of my early days)

The blessings of the blogosphere.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday Night, April 23, 2008

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable." WWho care to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility to sobriety. Mental obsession plus physical allergy. Why must every A. A. hit bottom? Step One, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Page 5

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Why indeed do we all need to hit some type of bottom. Some of us hit a complete bottom - financially, physically, emotionally, etc. My bottom was mostly emotional with a heavy touch of physical side effects. My financial bottom came later in my sobriety, but was put in motion by the wreckage I created during my drinking days. I know that by getting sober that I avoided the heavy price of a financial bottom. My financial bottom did not include being homeless, friendless, unwanted, jailed, jobless, or any of the other dire straits of this type of bottom. I was and am so lucky. I am so grateful for the bottom that I did have.

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I write about the above because today I linked to newcomer's blog. He has five days of sobriety. He plans to go to his first meeting this coming Friday. He wrote, probably unknown to him, about his first step in detail. He talked about his first few days in sobriety. I hope and pray for this gentleman to find the recovery and fellowship and "miracle" of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think he has a good chance. He has already done the first and most important part, he has admitted he has a problem. I hope the rest will be a successful history.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, My Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Reading the despair of one who has admitted to a problem with alcohol.

A friend going to Big Bear Lake City, CA to speak at a roundup.

The wonderful posts I read today.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, April 22, 2008

When you achieve certain states of being over a long period of time, success in what you are doing in the world is very difficult to avoid. April 22 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1 p176

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Hey alkies. How many of us woke up sober this morning. I did. How many of us have a sponsor. I do. How many of us have a sponsor who has a sponsor. I do. How many of us went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous today. I did Not. Oh, now I have an excuse. A reason. I was not avoiding a meeting but I still did not make it to a meeting today. I probably will not make it to a meeting until this coming Friday when I double dip. And then there will be Saturday Nite Live with the April Birthday Celebrations. I will make that. I am not afraid of not making a meeting, but when I was drinking, I may not make it to the bar but I sure as hell drank. But the bar was more likely until I turned 40. By that time I had a partner and I did not FIT at the bar as much. Now I have and have had for the past few weeks a meeting directory and there are meeting here in Spring within 5 miles of my house. I just have not gone. They are straight meetings. Now I got sober in straight meetings. No one bit me, no one told me to get out. Some though made me feel that I did not belong, such as stating they believed in Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve. So this is a threshold I need to cross, I do want more than three meetings a week. I am just so afraid of rejection or being unwelcome. I have to work on this fear.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

My Clean Kitchen, LR, and DR.

My broken little toe not hurting all day.

Being comfortable with Me.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday Night, April 21, 2008

This is both the goal and the glory of God: that his subjects shall be no more, and that all shall know God not as the unattainable, but as the unavoidable. April 21 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 115

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Hey Alkies. How the hell are you? I'm doing fine today, but Saturday I got mickied. I realize this man is a real nut job, but I want to wish him harm. I want to kick him in his groin so hard his nuts will be hanging from his pointy teeth. I want him to just disappear. But then I cannot do this and live by the principals of AA. I do not want to have to do a 4th step nor do an amends to the DFDU. I just have to accept the fact that this asshole makes it necessary for me to use comment moderation. Sorry folks.

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Yesterday and today were both great days. Yesterday I did not even venture away from my house, leisurely read my paper, did a couple of long put off items, and just enjoyed being home with Dolly. Today was $5 day at the Market St. Cinemark at the Woodlands. There was this movie that was to start at 1:50 and I left in plenty of time to get there, get my ticket, my refreshments, and be seated by the time the previews started. I walk in buy a ticket, order my refreshments and as my order was handed to me the manager said, the movie starts at 3:05. I told him the paper said 1:50. Nope not there. So they refunded my refreshment money without me asking and also my ticket for the movie. Guess I just was not meant to see a $5.00 movie today. So I left, got my $65 tank of gas, left an arm and a leg with foot attached with the attendant and went home. I got the last laugh though, I gave them the leg with the broken toe.

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This evening, my yard man and his wife came by and organized my garage. It is so great to actually see the whole garage now. Filled up 6 trash cans and put out a 4 ft stack of broken down boxes. Tomorrow, she (Mary) is coming over and we are going to attack my kitchen and living room and office. I so wish I could afford to have help at least every two weeks, but since I am medically retired I cannot really afford it. But I can afford to do it occasionally and to me it is a very big luxury.

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So my point is I have all that I need and can occasionally treat myself to a few luxuries in life. If I were still drinking, I could not do this. Sobriety is a God given gift that I cherish on a daily basis, and for that I blessed.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My Sponsor

Comment Moderation

My fellow trudgers

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Y'all be pretty NOW, ya heah.

Saturday Night, April 19, 2008

Fear is the opposite of everything you are. Meditation from Conversations with God, Book 1, April 19
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Had a great Saturday today. Topped it off with dinner with Rick and then the Saturday Night Live speaker meeting at Lambda. Good speaker with a hell of a story. Now that is what I go to speaker meetings for - to hear a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous share their experience, strength, and hope. Some are better than others but then some of us are sicker than others. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

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I was very fidgety and a fonching during the meeting as my poor little broken toe was throbbing up into my calf. My own fault though, I did not take Aleve before I left home this evening. ( Now my Aunt Nell, would have said I was squirming like I Had the St. Vitus dance or something.Never did know what the St Vitus dance was but I always figured it was something erotic)

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I loved my Aunt Nell, she was married to my grandmother's brother Charley. He was her half-brother and they had different last names. Mother Lela was a Todd and Uncle Charley was a Peay. (Pronounced Pee) Aunt Nell just hated the way it was pronounced and changed the pronunciation to PAY. Mother Lela would always introduce Aunt Nell as My sister-in-law Nell Pee. Now they were friends, but Mother Lela got a kick out of this. And Mother Lela hated to be called Grandma or anything like that, so Aunt Nell would always remind her that she was our Grandma. Just a family thing. HA! Aunt Nell made the world's best banana pudding. She would give Mother the recipe and it was just banana pudding. Aunt Nell would make it and it was BANANA PUDDING. I really miss Aunt Nell, Uncle Charley, and Mother Lela. I do not think I would have survived childhood without them. And then there was Grandpa. Well, you know that story.

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My Gratitude list for today:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Fond memories.

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Y'all be pretty NOW, ya heah.

Friday Night, April 18, 2008

I will not leave you, I cannot leave you, for you are My creation and My product. My daughter and son, My purpose and My...Self. Call on me, therefore, wherever and whenever you are separate from the peace that I am. April 18, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1 pg 211

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Hey y'all. Had a great day today. I did my two Friday meetings, 10 AM and the 12:15. Then went to lunch with the guys at LUBY's. Mostly uneventful, did not spill anything on myself, which is highly unusual. Usual chit chat and I mentioned that tonight three of my favorite programs were on: Countdown with Keith Olberman, Real Time with Bill Maher, and the McLaughlin Report. Now I pride myself in pretty well knowing what is going on and who the news people and commentators are. Today a few names flew across the table and I did not recognize most of them. Now I also realize that I am forgetful about names if I do not see those programs. But I felt so out of touch and was really quite hard on myself. So I came home and channel surfed and did not find one of the news programs that had been referenced at lunch. And to compound that, I have forgotten the names that were mentioned so I do not know what to look for. I will just have to roll with it and be more attentive. I like to be in the know.

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TODAY I AM GRATEFUL:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

My two meetings.

I will have dinner with Rick tomorrow nite and then the 8 PM speaker meeting at Lambda.

Karl had a good day today.

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Now y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

THURSDAY NIGHT, APRIL 17, 2008

There are those who say that to know God you must overcome all earthly passions. Yet to understand and accept them is enough. What you resist persists. What you look at disappears. April 17 Meditation from Conversations with God. page 100.

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Hey y'all. How the hell are ya. Right after I finished my blog post last night, I got up from my desk and damned broke my attache case. That screaming and cussing you heard about 11:30 PM CDSLT was me. My attache case is fine, just moved a bit, but my frigging right little toe is broken. This is the third time in the past 10 years that I have broken a toe. You know how it hurts to bump a toe on something. Well just break one. Gee jahozaphat &^%#^$%#$^%$%&^% and a few other choice words. I know it is broken because I heard and felt the snap. There is nothing they can do for a broken little toe except exray it, charge an outrageous amount, Medicare pays a portion and then I get to pay part of that. I know I am blessed to have Medicare - so I did not go to the emergency room. My foot throbs. My ankle and lower leg hurt like hell. Now I am sure there are those that will say well, a good shot of bourbon would do for MEDICINAL Purposes. Yeah right. Not this kid, not this 66 year old kid. My Toe looks like a grape with its different shades of purple and Burgundy. Oh, well this too will pass. *(&%*&%%*()&)(*^(.

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Pam made me hungry this morning talking about grilling an onion. So tonight I picked up two Thick Pork Chops, 2 baking potatoes, 1 Large sweet onion, and two carrots. I sprinkled some seasoned salt and some seasoned pepper on the meat, put in 2 large pods of garlic, the potatoes, the carrots and that wonderful onion. I then wrapped them all together in one large piece of aluminum foil and will bake for 1.5 hours. This is so good. It's quick, no clean up, and I have tonight and tomorrow's suppers. MMMMMM I love me some baked garlic pods.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer, who ran for the bedroom when I yelled last night, then came back slowly to see if I was still alive. She is so cute. Love Her.

My sponsor.

That it is only my toe, and not a foot or leg.

Believing that no matter what, I do not drink alcohol.

Tomorrows double dip meetings; 10 AM and 12:15.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday Night, April 16, 2008

God is in the sadness and in laughter. In the bitter and the sweet. April 16 Meditations from Conversation with God. Page 60

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Hey y'all. How the hell are ya. Today was a much better day all day than yesterday. I had a doctor appointment that I forgot about and noticed a voicemail on my phone. In checking it was from yesterday and it was a reminder from my neurologist that I had a 2:45 appointment for this afternoon. Damned, it was too late to make the 12:15 meeting - you know the two birds with one trip thingy. But I did make the apt. I am doing fine and my left side is a bit stronger than it was after the strokes, so I'm just marching right out of bad health. My next appointment is April 15, 2009. And I am not going to need him before then I keep telling my bod.

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After the doctor I stopped by to see Joe and Karl. Karl is not doing well. Today he had a saline infusion and Joe had to drive he, he was too weak to drive. Joe told me this afternoon about the last two weeks. Now Joe is a tax man and his last 45 days have been busy as hell. It just breaks my heart to see Karl continually fading. I know it won't be long before he goes and I will need to be there for Joe. They are both very stoic about the situation. One thing I am glad of is that both of their families have accepted their relationship and they are included in all family events. This past Jan 1 was their 29th anniversary. They scream and yell at each other, and then the tenderness comes out. It is a joy to see them in action. I would gladly trade places with Karl. But then that is not God's plan.

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And it certainly is not for me to determine what should nor what should not be. It all comes down to acceptance. God grant me the serenity to accept this that i do not understand, the courage to be there for my two dear friends, and the wisdom to act accordingly and to stay sober during the process.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

My health.

My 40 year friendship with Joe.

My 29 year friendship with Karl.

My blogger friends that show me daily how to continue sobriety.

Believing that I will not drink, no matter what.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

TUESDAY NIGHT, APRIL 15, 2008

True Masters are those who havechosen to make a life, rather than a living. Meditations from Conversations with God. April 15 page 176.

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Today started out to be a beautiful day. I just walked through the day, nothing special, did a movie, and watched television. Then this evening I could feel a change and wham, I'm in a depression. This just pisses me off. I have nothing to be depressed about, but then most times I don't. It just comes on like turning the faucet on or off in the sink or bathtub. However, in the sink or bathtub I can control the amount of water that fills the sink or tub. With depression, I do not have that luxury. I just have to roll with it and hope it does not last. Most of the time it does not, but there have been long periods of depression. Tonight it is just like I am in a free fall. I do not know how high I was when it started nor do I know how far I will fall. I do know that it has never triggered a desire to drink and for that I am thankful.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my sobriety.

My sponsor.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

P.S. It is now Wednesday noon, I've been up about an hour. And it is a beautiful day, the depression is gone and I'm going to enjoy the day. Just an update.

MONDAY NIGHT, APRIL 14 2008

You have nothing to learn about relationships. You have only to demonstrate what you already know. April 14, Meditations from Conversations with God. page 121

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Howdee Alkies.

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Monday, Monday........... That's enough of that song. Well, doesn't the above meditation sort of ring home for me. Maybe. But then a relationship does not have to be a love relationship. It can be like with friends, family, us, or whatever. I'm having to slow my thoughts down and just go with the flow. I have already written the chapters and happenings in my head or rather maybe I should say station KFUK is broadcasting loud and clear. Go ahead, broadcast that crap to me, I will not go there. I think the above quote reminds me to live in the NOW. That's one of the messages I get from "only demonstrate what you already know." Accept it for what it is today. Think, on second thought, don't. I could easily do what I always used to do and then be miserable for awhile because I just set myself up for disappointment. I just have to be patient, wait for God's time, not mine. Yeah, that's the ticket.

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Not really an eventful day. Went to a movie - the new KEANU REEVES movie. I can't remember the name right now, and I just put out all the papers for trash pickup tomorrow. Now he is Eye Candy. Not the best actor in the world, but nice to see. I certainly know where he could park his shoes overnight. Yeah, right, like that's going to happen. Now that is me talking, not KFUK. LOL.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Another gorgeous day.

My blog visiters.

My friends.

.Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Sunday Afternoon, April 13, 2008

Friends come into our lives and warm our heart; Much like the sun warms the earth. Yet when they depart, we retain the warmth that they have given us. Paraphrase from "Friends" author unknown.
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The wonder of yesterday has spilled over into my day today and I could not be more blessed.

I've written recently about reconnecting with my friend Rick from 35 years ago. Yesterday afternoon we met at Lambda at 3:30 and stayed for the 30th Anniversary festivities. A wonderful and pleasant afternoon. During the workshop my mind wondered back to 1973 when we were dating and that we spent most of our time in the bars, at brunch or dinner at one of the gay restaurants, and the night at one of our apartments. He moved to Houston in August of 1973 and lost track of each other. However, we both continued to live on out-of-control disease. I came to AA in 1992 and stayed. He came to AA in 1990 but took the revolving door approach for the first 5 years and will celebrate his 13th year of sobriety on May 5. I was just thinking about how our lives have changed so completely during the past 35 years. And the best of all, now that we are reconnected we sat in a room full of other recovering alcoholics on a beautiful Saturday afternoon for an AA workshop, followed by a delicious barbecue brisket dinner, and then closing out with an 8 PM meeting with 3 20 minute speakers. What a change.

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After the meeting Rick and I went out to his house and spent a few hours catching up with each other's lives. Someone said recently that we are not reconnecting that we have both met someone new. And I think that it really true. I got home about 2 AM and Dolly was so glad to see me. That is always a good thing to go through. Such adoration. Back to Rick. I don't know where this is going to go, but I sure am enjoying getting there.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My humorous sponsor.

Yesterday.

Today and looking forward to Tomorrow.

Living in the Now.

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Y'all be pretty NOW, ya heah.

Thursday Night, April 20, 2008

Every heart has it's secret sorrows, which the world knows not;

And often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Sometimes I wear my feelings too close to the outside of my skin. Sometimes I do not hear from a friend, and I start wondering what have I done to him/her for this to happen. I go thru the last time we were in contact and try to come up with the answer. When the answer surfaces, I find that it is all in my head, that I'm not always #1 on the list. This is hard for me to accept, me not #1 or even in the top 5. I go through this with my family, my sister, my friends, co-workers and just about anyone with whom I have interaction. Not a pretty picture. Intellectually I know that this is not sane thinking; not the thinking of a well person; the NAWWAA in my blog signature is Not A Well Woman At All. This comes up over and over in my program and in my therapy. This has to do with, guess, INSECURITY in large doses. It is not anywhere near as bad as it used to be, but it does rear it's ugly head every now and then. The difference now and in my history is I DO NOT REACT TO this feeling. I do not put a guilt trip on whoever the current PERSON happens to be. I just roll with it and know that this will pass and when it all comes out in the wash, I could not have been more wrong. I'm not perfect, but I am a work in progress through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the fellowship of my fellow trudgers. I am a work in progress because for the past 16 years I have decided to follow and live through the steps of this miraculous program on a daily basis. Some days I do a better job than others. But I always try to do my best and as the book tells us it's sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. For that I am grateful.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Tomorrow being the 10 AM meeting followed by the 12:15 meeting.

The blessing of trudging.

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Y'all be pretty NOW, ya heah.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT, April 9, 2008

Every prayer--every thought, every feeling, every statement--is creative. To the extent that it is fervently held as truth, to that degree will it be made manifest in your experience. Meditations from Conversations with God. April 9 page 12

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Hey Alkies. Not a lot to say tonight. Today was mostly non-eventful, nothing, nada, but just a day. I think that is good as there was no drama to wrap my mind around and believe me, no one can do drama like I can. But then that is one of the gifts of sobriety, I don't do drama like I used to do oh so well. So, I just trudged through the day, let it happen, and rolled with it while staying in the NOW. I'll sure be glad when Daave gets his Internet problem fixed. I miss his comments, both on my blog and on others that I read daily. So for now, this is it and I wish each of you a wonderful THURSDAY. Be Well.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

NO DRAMA

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, April 8, 2008

There is no need to recriminate yourself. Simply notice what you've been choosing and choose again. April 8 Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1
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Hoooooowwwwwwddddddy AAALLLLLLLLLKIES.
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How goes it? Had a pretty good day of sobriety. Today was SHRINK day and we had a very good session. I actually remembered to bring up applying for Social Security Disability. He agreed, so that is something I need to work on for the next session on the 29th. If it is approved, it would mean another $300.00 or so per month. I don't want to go into all of the particulars at this time but that is another post in itself.

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Tonight I talked with Rick. We caught up on a little more of the past 35 years and will have dinner together this coming Saturday night and then take in the Lambda Speaker Meeting. I am really looking forward to this. I do not know where this might go, if anywhere, but I do know I have reconnected with someone that at one time meant a lot to me, even for the short time that it was. I also discussed this with my SHRINK and he said go for it. Nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

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God certainly does work his wonders in strange ways. I am a firm believer in the there are no coincidences in God's world. I just have gone through each day doing my best to make it to the next and appreciating the special blessings that I receive as I trudge the road of happy destiny. I have good friends, a roof over my head, a loving doggie, my sister, etc. and these are also treasures that I would not trade for anything. And on top of all that I am sober to enjoy them to their fullest one day at a time.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My sponsor.

An endless list of things that I just take for granted - waking, sleeping, enjoying music, aromas, flowers, trees, and numerous other things that God has created for our enjoyment.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Monday Night, April 7, 2008

Sometimes, when a person is really deeply asleep, you have to shake him a little.

April 7 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 191

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Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy AAAAAAAAAaaaalkies!

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In reading the above, I went What? Then started analyzing the quote and came up with this. I likened it to complacency with my sobriety, I get so smug in my security of sobriety that I can easily feel invincible. And without fail, something happens that just snaps me to attention and realize how cunning, baffling and powerful this damned disease is. Just a thought to share.

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I had a wonderful weekend at Rosalie's. I got there about 3 PM and we had a quick catchup on all that's going on with each other. Then Sam, her 43 year old son that she lives with, got home. We had dinner and then at 6:30 Rosalie went to bed. This has been her routine for about 30 years. She is also up at about 2 AM. After she went to bed, Sam and I had a real good visit and talked, talked, and talked. We talked about his various girl friends and I shared the story of Rick with him. He wished me well on this and then we got into politics. We had a lively but sane conversation. I wish Rosalie and I could do this, but we cannot talk politics. She gets so mad at me that I usually do not agree with her views. I mean she goes BOOOOOOM! Sam and I laughed about that. I really do enjoy talking with my "baby" nephew. I also have grand nieces and nephews that are about his age, plus great grand nieces, that are teenagers and early 20's. And then some great great grand nieces and nephews that are single to double digit in age. Most of them I do not know, but they are out there. But that is a whole other post.

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Saturday, Rosalie and I went shopping and the same on Sunday. Sam was in a bowling tournament on both days so I'm glad we had our time on Friday night. Dolly and Rosalie's Dog, Bessie, are just like two cousins that have not seen each other for quite some time. They run in circles and then from one end of the house to the other. Bessie is 6 and Dolly is 15 but they just romp and play like pups.Then they run down and lay down next to each other and rest. Then today I got up about 10 AM, had breakfast with Rosalie, and came home. Took a different route than usual. NO FREEWAYS. Just the back roads. What a peaceful and enjoyable trip. Lots of spring flowers (no Bluebonnets) and very little traffic. Took me 2 hours and 10 minutes and it was also about 12 miles shorter. Just may make that the usual route.

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It is good to be back home. Caught up on three days worth of newspapers and of course the blogs that are my dailys. Really missed those things.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Rosalie and Sam.

The quiet of the country.

My friends and fellow bloggers.

Bill celebrating one year of sobriety today.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

THURSDAY NIGHT, APRIL 3, 2004

Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
And often time we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Hey Alkies,
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Today I left home without my American Express Card. I did not get hit by a bus. Stores did not close and lock their doors as I passed. When I took Dolly into the groomers, they did not look at me and say, "Get out, you left home without your American Express Card." Absolutely no drama either when I picked her up and pulled out my DEBIT card and paid for an overpriced grooming for my little darling.

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When I stopped to pick up dinner to take home, the cashier had no reaction to the fact that I had left home without the AEC. So maybe, just maybe I won't be ostracized from society at large. It appears that no one really cared. What a concept, actually getting through a day without using a credit card. It has been a long time, I have not had the shakes, I have not felt I was going to die, and I do not have a headache.

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Wow, I have just lived through the first step: We admitted we were powerless over Credit Cards--that our lives had become unmanageable. I'm sure you have figured out that this is with tongue in cheek. I have a very good friend that has been very successful with going to Debtors Anonymous. I may have to look at that further down the road, but at this time I do not think so. But then I also thought that about Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Today I called Rick. We talked for about 30 minutes. We plan to get together next week to catch up on the past 35 years. He told me he has been sober 13 years come May. He also told me he rarely goes to Lambda and only did so on Tuesday because he had a friend visiting from Arkansas who wanted to drop in at Lambda. Now I do not usually go to Lambda on Tuesday's, but I decided to use my gas wisely and use the trip to town to get a meeting and to see the Dr. Rick told me he thought this was a God thing. Oh, I made my amends to him over the phone cause at the point of conversation I thought it fit. He does not even the incident nor felt that I treated him shabbily. What we do to ourselves. I am looking forward to our getting together and talking.

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I will be gone from Friday til Monday. I am going to visit my sister Rosalie in Silsbee, Tx. We have fun together. I always learn something new about the family. SO I will not be posting while I am gone. So you all have a great weekend and see ya Monday.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my well groomed Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Telling myself to quit writing the script about visiting with Rick next week.

Being able to let go and let GOD.

The power of prayer.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT, APRIL 2, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;

And often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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I have written a bit about how my financial situation has changed in the past year and how I am coping. Today I took some steps to shore things up. I cancelled some credit cards I have had for eons. I cancelled my American Express card. This card has turned out to be one of my worst companions. I could not leave home without it. (hee hee) I used it a lot at the $300.00 store, Costco. I cancelled several others. I now have one department store, 2 gas cards, 1 Visa Card, and a Care Car Card that I get 90 days same as cash for my car servicing. I think this will help me keep my spending in check with my income. I'm also glad that I did this before I got in trouble. I've been there before and I have no desire to go there again.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Not having a panic attack as I cut up my cards.

Not having an anxiety attack as I called the creditors and cancelled my cards.

The faith that I will survive without plastic.

My upcoming visit with Rosalie, my sister. Yay.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, April 1, 2008

April 1 Do you imagine that God does not enjoy a good joke? Is it you knowing that God is without humor? I tell you, God invented Humor. Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1 p 60

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Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLllllllllkkkkkkkkies.

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Hear that? That was me clicking my heals. (not heels) Today was a wonderful day. I went to the 12:15 meeting at Lambda as I had a Dr. appointment on that side of town. (One tank gas per week - yeah, right) I was about two minutes early so I just settled in with a bit of chit chat. As I scoped out the room I noticed this man with red hair was sitting in the row of seats that I was facing. I was against the Left side wall. The meeting started and I kept looking at this man and thought, I think I know him. I asked Sonny if the guys name was Rick and he said no but he had been around for quite awhile. So disappointed I zoned in on the sharing, still looking at the redhead. At the end of the meeting I went to the can. On exiting here came the redhead. Face to Face. I asked him if his name was Rick. "Yes." I asked if his last name was Z. "Yes". It was Him. He is looking at me like "who the hell are you". I told him who I was and we hugged and exchanged phone numbers. Now I had not seen Rick since 1973. We dated for awhile and in fact, he was the one I was in bed with when I had my heart attack at age 32. He was really a sweetheart, visited me in the hosp every day and drove my Mother up to see me. That was back when I was really in my disease full throttle. I really treated him rather shabbily when My ex came to LA from Houston and I just put Rick in the back seat and just fawned over my ex. When Bill left, I picked back up with Rick. A few weeks later he told me he was moving to Houston. I last saw him the night before he left. Man do I need to make an amends to him. That will be one of the first things on my list. What a God Shot to be given the GIFT of being able to do this.

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Next thing is I went to my endocrinologist and got a very good report from him. All systems are running fine and from what he saw he said my Retinopathy was due to the Diabetes. I was diagnosed in 92 and then undiagnosed, repeat, repeat,

and re diagnosed again in 1997. It was during this time that he feels the damage was done. But THE BEST PART is that I should have a full recovery and my sight should return to where it was. Now if I had only not skipped the 1.5 year of eye checkups. Diabetics are supposed to have exams annually. Well, have I learned the hard way or not. Now I know that GOD just keeps gifting and gifting and gifting.

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Now am I BLESSED or what?!!

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer. (always)

My Sponsor.

Reconnecting with Rick.

Being given the chance to make an amends.

The miracles of sobriety.

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Y'all be pretty NOW, ya heah!