Thursday Night, April 20, 2008

Every heart has it's secret sorrows, which the world knows not;

And often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Sometimes I wear my feelings too close to the outside of my skin. Sometimes I do not hear from a friend, and I start wondering what have I done to him/her for this to happen. I go thru the last time we were in contact and try to come up with the answer. When the answer surfaces, I find that it is all in my head, that I'm not always #1 on the list. This is hard for me to accept, me not #1 or even in the top 5. I go through this with my family, my sister, my friends, co-workers and just about anyone with whom I have interaction. Not a pretty picture. Intellectually I know that this is not sane thinking; not the thinking of a well person; the NAWWAA in my blog signature is Not A Well Woman At All. This comes up over and over in my program and in my therapy. This has to do with, guess, INSECURITY in large doses. It is not anywhere near as bad as it used to be, but it does rear it's ugly head every now and then. The difference now and in my history is I DO NOT REACT TO this feeling. I do not put a guilt trip on whoever the current PERSON happens to be. I just roll with it and know that this will pass and when it all comes out in the wash, I could not have been more wrong. I'm not perfect, but I am a work in progress through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the fellowship of my fellow trudgers. I am a work in progress because for the past 16 years I have decided to follow and live through the steps of this miraculous program on a daily basis. Some days I do a better job than others. But I always try to do my best and as the book tells us it's sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. For that I am grateful.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

Tomorrow being the 10 AM meeting followed by the 12:15 meeting.

The blessing of trudging.

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Y'all be pretty NOW, ya heah.