Today was SOOOO Good.

I tell you there is no such experience after death as you have constructed in your fear-based theologies. June 30 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 41

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Hey there, you bunch of alkies. How the hell are ya? Today has been a good day. Got up about 2 ish, talked to a couple of friends, started on my new diabetic med, went to a movie, prayed, and just settled into my day w'o any drama. Now that is a gooooooood day. I also go a call from my sister Myrna in Seattle (Dad's daughter) and we talked for over an hour and just laughed. I shared with her about my findings on our side of the family from Ancestry.com. I am going to make copies of what I've found and send it to her. It seems her oldest son (Pat 49) is starting a family tree and has run into a dead end on dad's side.

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I have seen two movies so far this week. Yesterday I saw "My Sister's Keeper", now that was a tear jerker and a very good movie. I found it to be about acceptance and love of family. Today I saw "Cheri" with Michelle Pfeiffer. Excellent. I thought she was Cheri, but that is the name of her young lover who was quite handsome. Costuming just really was part of the story. Cathy Bates also has a supporting role in this movie which just capped it off for me. I thought it was just full of very strong performances.

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I love strong performances, especially those I see in AA when someone is just working their program and not doing all this hey loook at me, see how great an AA person I am. Yoohoo I am really Mr or Ms. AA. Aren't I just IT. A friend of mine had a dream recently of throwing a chair at someone that I put in this category. I know that is being judgemental on my part, I have four fingers pointing back at me, but that's the way I feel and I don't try to be phony. I'm just me. If you like it, fine, if not I try to let that be ok also. Yeah right, just try to act like you don't accept me for any reason, just try to be judgemental about or to me. OMG, I just die inside. How could you do this to me. Don't you know how "fragile" I am. How can you claim to be so loving, so accepting, so totally immersed in AA and the principle's of the program. I made a comment to a friend of mine this past Saturday night and then followed it with a "Wow, that was mean of me." and his retort was yeah, but you don't practice that, and you are human so you are going to have those thoughts. You know whom to share those kind of things with etc. etc. Yeah, I don't try to hurt people nor make unkind statements to others nor intentionally try to hurt someone. I used to, but that is one of my character defects that seldom raises its ugly head. Yep, those thoughts do arise, I just don't act or blurt them out. I never knew it was so easy not to be a Bitch. But the steps, the principles, the traditions, the promises, and those 164 pages have given me a new way of life, a new set of actions and I love it. It just don't get no better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer. She's been so good lately, no self respecting squirrels are out in this heat.
• My Sponsor.
• My Right Eye.
• My improving left eye.
• Being sighted
• Having enough
• Not wanting for what I need.
• Humor
• The relief of LAUGHTER
• Friends
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

So what is your intention now? Do you intend to prove your theory that life seldom brings you what you choose? Or do you intend to demonstrate Who You Are and Who I Am? June 29 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 119

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Hi my alkie friends. What a whirlwind of a weekend. The Pride Parade on Saturday night was a huge success and we had a grand ole time. There was about 20 - 25 of us, all sober that marched and or drove the parade for Lambda Center. Man we threw a bunch of beads, a little over 5,000. I almost hit a mounted policeman in the face with a pair of bead and he was not amused. Other than that, the two and a half mile route passing about one quarter million people screaming for beads we really had a good time. We gathered to decorate at 4 PM at Lambda and then drove over to the our spot in the Que by 5:15. The parade was to have started at 8:45 but was delayed for 45 min due to a medical emergency on the route. We finally got started about 9:30 and we got to the end at 11:30PM. Participating in the parade is a HIGH that is just beyond description. There were older straight couples, Moms and Dads and kids, Mom 7 Mom and kids, Dad and Dad and kids, lots of gays in all age groups and a high number of young straight (presumed) couples just cheering and having a good ole time. I got home at 1:30 AM and in bed by 2 AM. Man I was just wore out.

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I woke up about 3:30 Sunday afternoon. I was just pooped. It takes me about 2 - 3 days to recover and recharge the olde body after one of these events. And it was just good old fun while being SOBER. I know after the exhaustion of sober fun like this that I do not have another bounce back from a hangover left in me. I mean, I am just so done in just having Sober fun to extreme, that it proves I do not have another Drunk and hangover left. That's a great lesson, learning without having to go through all that shit again. Now that is a God Shot. It's a gift. It's special. It's just not going to get any better than that and for that I am grateful. Hot damned yes.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My Right Eye
• Continually improving right eye.
• Being sighted
• All my other senses.
• Tonight's rain
• The lights coming back on after just a two hour blackout.
• Being there for my little Mamie
• Friends
• That Scott W. made it to 55 today.
• That Pam is now 18 years clean and sober.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Back home, All's better.

Hear Me, everywhere. Whenever you have a question, simply know that I have answered it already. Then open your eyes to your world. June 26 - Meditations from "Conversations With God - Book 1" page 210

Hey my alkie friends. Got Rosalie in and out this morning and also got her a new breathing machine. Well, I did not buy it but we got it and she is home and doing better. I'm home and pooped.

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Looking forward to driving in tomorrow's Pride Parade. This will be my fourth year in a row. Ours is a night parade. Daave is also driving and will be chauffeuring Mr. and Miss Lambda. We are not advertising AA but letting the Gay Community know there is a gay club that is for gays and their friends with meetings for THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC, THEIR FAMILY/FRIENDS, AND CRYSTAL METH USERS.

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i AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE RECEIVED THE GIFT OF SOBRIETY, AND THIS IS JUST ONE MORE WAY TO ENJOY IT.

THERE IS FUN TO BE HAD WHILE BEING SOBER. WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT.

Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my schnauzer.
• My Sponsor
• My Right eye
• Improving left eye
• Being sighted
• My trip to Silsbee, was quick
• To have shared this planet with Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Rosalie's sick again.

Hey my peeps, I am leaving within the hour for Silsbee. I will be out of pocket for 2 - 3 days. Loving all of you. Prayers will be welcome.

Just hello.

Marriage is a sacrament. But not because of its sacred obligations. Rather, because of its unequaled opportunity. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 138

Just a great hello, y'all. My head is almost out of the sand. A much better attitude today. Sometimes it just seems its I'm the statue and the next day the pigeon. One of these days I'm going to be a statue in a pigeon memorial park.

Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my schnauzer
• My sponsor
• My eyes -
• Being sighted
• Simple things.
• Continual support from Daave and Scott W.
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

The sand looks different from the bottom.

Not to decide is to decide. June 23 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1 page 50

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Hi. I've processed yesterday and it's events to the max. I am not a happy camper. I want to revolt. I want to hide my head in the sand. I don't want to face what is going on with my diabetes. I do not want to accept it. I am on a boat trip in the River of Denial. I saw the endocrinologist yesterday. My blood sugar was 297, higher than ever. My C1A was 7.0. He's putting me on another medication in addition to what I am already taking. I also told him about a pain I have starting on the left side of my chest close to the sternum and sharply going up my neck to my teeth. He asked his student doctor what his opinion was, and it was TESTS. Then the nurse came in and he gave her my prescription and said something about stress. When I checked out, I got the prescription, he will see me in two weeks. I was also given a sheet to have a treadmill stress test. I told them I cannot tolerate that kind of stress test and they asked about the nuclear test. I had one 4 years ago and found it to be quite painful. I thought I was dying. So that seems to be what is being ordered. I AM NOT going to take it. I just cannot go through that again. Also, the co-pay is not affordable.

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And besides the above, I am so rageful these past few days. That is one of the things I am processing. I need to talk to my sponsor about this, but he is going through so much his self and I know if he finds this out he will get on my case. I was rageful at the Dr.'s office yesterday because he had Fox News on in the lobby and I had to listen to some wingnut screaming about the fact that Obama was being weak about Iran. Shit, it'n none of our business. Iknow that politics is not what we talk about here but it is just an example of how and at what I am rageful about. I have got to find out what it is really all about. I can usually figure it out in a day or two but this has been a week. I keep reading 417/449. I remember in 1997 while I was in an outpatient daily mental hospital that I was so distressed I just read and reread this passage and I finally found peace within myself. So that's my object right now. It worked before and it will work again. I just have to find that fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

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I have a feeling that one of the things is Rosalie's Health, and the other is more feelings of my Mother that surfaced in my visit with Wanda. My friend Joe pointed this out to me this afternoon. It's a good place to start. I know this thing will pass, they always do, and then all will be great in God's world again. Zane just needs to accept this. I'm working on it. This is the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the promises working in my life. Damned but I love sobriety.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• 
  
  God, my Higher Power


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  My Sobriety


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  Mamie, my schnauzer


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  My Sponsor


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  My eyesight


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  The everyday bits of life


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  That this ragefulness will pass


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  The being thrown away feeling I have towards a woman I thought was a friend will pass.


• 
  
  Friends


• 
  
  All y'all.

Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.

More gratitude

I tell you, you can speak to Me as you would speak with best friend. June 22 Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 60

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I did not need to be told nor to read the above. I have always done that, but it was rather a confirmation of practice to read this.

.Not the best of days, not the worst of days. I need to process and then write. Meanwhile I am leaning on gratitude - big time. But them I am always grateful.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD loving schnauzer. I almost revoked her dog card tonight. She did not know what to do with the bone from last nights porterhouse. She finally figured it out, but I sure got a lot of laughter and joy out of watching her.
• My Sponsor whom I visited with today.
• Restraint of tongue when my endocrinologist pissed me off today. (I really need to change, but he is a good Dr.)
• Joy of watching Daave on the Family Feud at Lambda on Saturday Night fund raiser for Roundup.
• Doug F. not being seriously injured in the broadside of his pickup. (Truck total loss)
• Really live one day at a time. I usually do, but sometimes I start projecting outcomes etc. But today I can recognize this before I have gone totally bonkers.
• Not being a newcomer, but sometimes thinking like one.
• My peeps
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Just Grateful, that's enough.

I will speak to you if you will listen. I will come to you if you will invite Me. I will show you then that I have always been there. All ways. June 21 Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 58

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Today I am Grateful for:

• God my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My eyes
• All of my senses.
• Being accepting of myself. Some people aren't, but that is not my problem, just my loss. But I just keep going.
• Today with Joe, porterhouse steaks and baked potato and baked sweet onion..
• Friends
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty, now ya heah.

Bear in a Bar

It is not in the action of another, but in your re-action, that you salvation will be found. June 20 - Meditations from "Conversation with God - Book 1" page 127

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, Very angry now says, 'If you don't serve me a beer right now, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear looks at him Quizzically and says,

'I'm not on drugs

The bartender says

You are now.

That was a barbitchyouate"!

TOO POOPED TO POST

Worry is just about the worst form of mental activity there is...Worry is pointless. It is wasted mental energy. June 19 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 188

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Hey y'all. I worked in my kitchen for two hours tonight and my back is just killing me. My feet are swollen about the size of personal watermelons, (well a big exaggeration) but they are swollen. So not story, no words, just this and my gratitude.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• Being sighted
• Knowledge of the fragility of life.
• Friends that care
• Scott W. and Daave
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Memory Lane

From the highest mountain it has been shouted, in the lowest pure its whisper has been heard. Through the corridors of all human experience has this Truth been echoed: Love is the answer. June 18 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 58

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Hey my alkie friends. Trailboss was posting about the tragedy of the Internet being down this morning. Somehow that got me to thinking about how I hate that also, but I really don't give a hoot if my Cell goes down. And then that triggered one memory after another.

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When I was in high school we had portable battery powered radios that we dare not be caught with. They were about the size of Miriam Webster's Dictionary so they did not fit in a pants pocket or a purse. Also, the only way you could walk around the kitchen with the phone held on your shoulder by your head was to have one of those 25 foot coiled receiver extension cords. And then they got all coiled up and you could not move. And later when the transistor radios came out and they were about the size of two packs of cigs, small for their time. And then came a head set that fit over the head and was on each ear. Turn them up full blast and you got to hear a loud whisper. Never mind all the static. Then along came Hi-Fi. Then STEREO. When you wanted one or more copies you used carbon paper (do they still make it), or the memograph machine. Remember sniffing the memeographed test papers. And the the emergency messages of the time came via Western Union and they were filled with the word STOP. And then along came sending messages to other offices by typing on a typewriter that put out a ribbon full of holes that you ran through a reader that sent the "message" to the other end. And if the other end did not get the "message" it was probably caused by a bird being on the phone lines. REALLY! Keypunches, readers, tab rooms that smelled like cigarettes with chads all over the floor. Sorters, punch cards, printers the size of a Buick and a computer that took up three floors of a square block building that did not have but maybe 64 KB of info as its core Memory. I especially remember the memory units as I was in the parts department at IBM in 1966 and Sun Oil in Beaumont used to go through those memory units and I was always shipping them two or three a week. One time I had this monstrous hangover one morning and I had had some Orange slushy made at home with frozen orange juice and Ice. I always had this when I had a hangover. Anyway I had a whole pitcher of these one moning and I was sending a memory unit to Sun Oil and as I bent over to pick up the box I vomited into the box with the unit and other parts. I just picked up the box, crammed in some paper. Taped it shut and sent it out via Emery Land. The next day they needed another one. No mention every made about the puked up memory unit. See how my drinking just got in the way of non-drinking memories. That's the way it used to be. But it AIN't that way no more. And let me tell you, SOBRIETY ROCKS.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My sponsor - talking to on a daily basis these days.
• My right eye.
• Improvement in left eye.
• Being Sighted
• Having all of my other senses; Ok maybe not good sense, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
• My sisters Rosalie, Wanda, (Mother's daughters)
• My sister Myrna (fathers daughter)
• It's ok to be alive today
• Today to be able to see my many blessings.
• Friends
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Back Home

I want for you what you want for you. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't sit here and make a judgement, request by request, whether something should be granted you. My law is the law of cause and effect, not the law of "We'll see." June 17 - from Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 117

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Hello there you bunch of alkies and others. How the hell are you? I got to Rosalie's Sunday about 6 PM. She was really having breathing problems. But thank God she has oxygen at home. When I got up Monday at 7 AM she was in her kitchen and not able to walk more than a few feet at a time without stopping. We finally got to her bedroom and she got back on her oxygen. About an hour later she was much better and we made her 10 AM Dr. Appt without further prob. In addition to her COPD with 40% Lung capacity, she has narrowing of the Aortic Valve in her heart and is not a candidate for surgery. Not the best news, but she is so damned positive she just keeps going like the Energizer Bunny. Yesterday took her for a series of X-rays. Took over an hour and she was exhausted when over. Could hardly walk. Got home and she was better due to taking some meds. Her worst time is the first hour or so when she gets up in the AM. Today I slept in, (10 AM) and had told them I would be going home today unless I was needed of just wanted for support. She said No, for me to go on home. I told her I was avail at a phone call for need or want. When I got home I called her to let her know I was safely home and blah, blah, blah. I told her I'd see her on the 3th for the 4th w/e. She said yes, she was looking forward to the w/e if she was still alive. That is the first negative thing I have heard from her in regards to her own health. A bit jarring but I think it was her way of saying "Be prepared Little Brother" and maybe just a quick glimpse of personal worry. She is very precious to me in spite of our arguments and all that crap. Geez, I'm so glad we get over that stuff quickly. Of course, a lot of it has to do with my sobriety and the fact that she no longer drinks heavily. She says with new meds she cannot have even a beer. Pisses her off, but she is pretty resigned to the fact. Damned she is so strong, just like our Mother, tho it ticks her off when I compare her to Mother so I don't. I just keep her out it.

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It is good to be home, Mamie is glad to be home, and I'm turning the AC to 42 for tonight. (Rosalie keeps her house at 78 or 80.) I keep mine at 70 - 78. Lower at night. But I can adjust. Flexibility is a blessing of being sober.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD Schnauzer who enjoyed her visit to the country.
• My sponsor.
• The prayers and support of my fellow bloggers. THANK YOU. (that's a big Thank You)
• That I'm pooped and still posting.
• Friends
• My nephew and his son
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Family Emergency

All human actions are motivated at their deepest level by one or two emotions--fear or love. June 14 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1"
page 15

The above quote is so "right now" with me. I am amazed at how these things come up at the right time.

I talked with my sister Rosalie at 2:15 and I am going over there within the hour. She is quite ill. It has been quite awhile since she has called with that kind of problem. So I am filled with both love for her and fear of the possibility of losing her. On top of her COPD she now has a heart problem. I get scared when my loved ones get sick. I know God will be with me and will walk me through this. My sobriety gives me the strength to be there for her. So if y'all can find just a teensy place on your prayer list, I would just be so appreciative.

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Rosalie does not have a computer so I will not be posting for the next few days. I will keep in touch through Daave.

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This was going to be my post for today, so here goes anyway.

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A Pet's Ten Commandments.....

1. My life is likely to last 10 - 15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to Understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well being
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to be.
6. Be aware that however you treat me. I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so. ALWAYS.

--Take a moment today to thank God for your Pets.

Enjoy and take good care of them. Life would be a much dull ER, less joyful experience without God's critters.

Now please pass this on to other pet owners.

We do not have to wait for Heaven, to be surrounded by hope, love, and joyfulness. It i here on earth and has four legs.

Isn't that just too sweet.

I am very grateful today for everything on my list plus. I am also grateful that I will see my sister Rosalie this afternoon. Y'all take care.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Just grateful.

Pet peeves and other junk

Your first relationship must be with yourself. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" June 11, page 126

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Hey there my bunch of alkie friends. How the hell are you? Just have a few pet peeves:

1. Judgemental people
2. Self-appointed gurus
3. Gurus
4. two faced people
5. took me tooooooo long to get sober.
6. Keep up with your side of street; I'll do the same

Today I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• MY sobriety, long time coming, long time there, still learning.
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• Growth
• My real peeps, posse, no matter what.
• My Right Eye
• Improvement in my Left Eye
• being sighted
• Being true to myself
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

att.com anger

When you than God in advance for that which you choose to experience in your reality, you, in effect, acknowledge that it is there. June 10 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 11

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Hi my bunch of alkie friends. Tonight I tried to signing to att.com to pay my phone bill and as usual my password or my userid were not valid. Now I have this F^&(%*& problem every month and have written this info down in a secure place. I always check this to be sure, and I still cannot sign on. Next indicated step is to try on line help. @#$%^ don't work. Next indicated step is to try calling for on-line help. I get the auto voice and give it my info. Internet prob and I am connected to payment information. I give them the info and IT comes back and says, "It sounds like you have asked for an agent. This office is closed, please call back during business hours." I am screaming you GD F***ing Asshole Sonofabitch at an inanimate object which hangs up on me. So I call back and go through this shit again and I get Punjab in India and he says oh, I will transfer you to the billing information section. Then it goes into "We are closed for the night etc." I am SCREAMING by now. My neighbors lights are going on, alarms are going off because of the high decibels of my yelling. (Well, not really, but it sure enhances the story) I call back 3 more times and I am just burning. I start to scream at the inanimate object again and just start laughing. I really have some bottled up rage and this is good for me to get it out, and NO ONE really gets hurt or upset, or feelings hurt, and my rage is let out. So tomorrow I will call again and hopefully get to talk to a human, get reset, get online, and pay my bill. Why the rage, why not just pay it over the phone? There is a $10.00 charge. So I will do a 10th step to myself for getting to this rage to start with. Tomorrow is another day as Scarlet O'Hara would say, and I will deal with it then. But as God is my witness - I will never go hungry again. (I know that has nothing to do with it, but it sounds good). Thank God for sobriety and the blessing of recognizing when self-riot runs wild.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer.
• My sponsor
• My Right Eye
• Being sighted
• Grineroni and PG on their trip and posting.
• Food
• Movies
• Friends
• Sisters (it's so good to be able to say that in the plural)
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Restraint of Tongue is a blessing.

I tell you this: you are your own rule-maker. You set the guidelines. And you decide how well you have done; how well your are doing. June 9 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 41.

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Sometimes I just have this biggest urge to just tell someone off for something I have decided they slighted me over. And all too often, I find that this is good ole station KFUK just broadcasting at full strength. However, as I get longer in the tooth with my sobriety, I don't tune in KFUK quite as often as I used to or I just don't react to it. Sometimes KFUK is just the Rush Limbaugh of my mind with the thoughts that are so untrue just really giveing me a workout. Thank God (My HP) is more in charge on a daily basis that He used to be. Now that is the best payoff of Sobriety. It just don't get much better than that.

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Today I am grateful for:

• God, My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer.
• My sponsor.
• The floaters in my left eye are no longer solid, I can see through them. My HP and the injections are really working.
• The apology from Micky.
• Knowing the difference between empty words and truth.
• My Vision.
• Movies
• Friends
• Family
• All y'all.

Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.

More Tomorrow

I will bring you the exact right thoughts, words or feelings, at any given moment, suited precisely to the purpose at hand. June 8 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 6

Short post tonight. My eyes are still dilated from the visit to my retinologist today and the glare from this screen is almost unbearable. But good news, the eye is more improved and I was given the go ahead to get new glasses. Major surgery has not been ruled out, but today's news was the best yet. More tomorrow.

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Today I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD Schnauzer
• My Sobriety
• My Eyesight
• Good news
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

This and that.

June 6 - I do not communicate by words alone. In fact, rarely do I do so. My most common for of communication is through feeling. Page 3

June 7 - The world is in the condition it's in because the world if full of sleepwalkers. Page 191
Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1"

Hi my friends. How the hell are ya? Not too bad myself. Last night instead of going to Lambda we went over to District 20 for the first of the month Speaker meeting. It is usually hosted by one of the groups and they have hors deuers and then the speaker at 8. Well, last night it was supposed to have been the Avalon Group. Harumph! They did not even show up. Now that's just a rude howdy doo. Probably a miscommunication. After all, we are dealing with a bunch of drunks. It wound up with only 14 of us staying for the meeting which was announced to be a Step one meeting as there was a newcomer. It certainly wasn't what we expected but it's what we got. And it was certainly was a good meeting.

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Today started off with a power failure waking me up about 11 AM. It lasted about 2 minutes and then it came back on. A few minutes later it went off again, for about a minute then back on. Then right of and then on and then off. That time it was off for about an hour. I just hate that. You can't do a damned thing. The worst of all is wondering if it's a massive blackout or what. Hell it's 95 outside in the shade on my patio and the humidity seems to be steaming it up. At 12:30 when I went to get the paper, it was hot but not really humid, but I was just out on the patio with Mamie and when I went out it was like wham - humid as hell. But the power is on, I'm at the computer, listening to easy listening music, and set to enjoy a nice quiet Sunday. I'm thinking of going to see the Brothers Bloom this afternoon. So right now God's in his heaven, and all is right in the world, and I'm sober. It just keeps getting better.

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Today I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD (squirrel) schnauzer
• My Sponsor
• My Vision
• All things we take for granted on a daily basis.
• the power outage was just an hour.
• My Higher Power never has an outage.
• Friends and family
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Movies. Movies. Movies

If you believe that God is some omnipotent Being who hears all prayers, says "yes" to some, "no" to others, and "maybe, but not now" to the rest, you are mistaken. By what role of thumb would God decide? June 5 "Conversations with God - Book 1" pg 13.

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Hi there, my alkie and al-anon friends. How the hell was your week. I've had probably one of the best weeks I have had this year. I got a good report from the neurologist on Tuesday. I'm back on the blog. I'm feeling very good and all is right with my world at present. Today was supposed to have been my double dip day for meetings. Well, I did not get to sleep until after 6 AM, so I turned the alarm off and woke up at 1:09 PM. I am really trying to turn my hours around to have more daylight hours. And I have been making progress, just not enough. I just have to keep working on it.

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As you all know, I am quite the movie hound. I usually see at least two movies per week. Lately, I've been making the ones that start at 4 - 5 PM. Monday I saw UP. Now that was a really feel good and funny movie. I really got several belly laughs out of that film. It featured a talking dog, who was just a talking about this and that and then went "SQUIRREL" right in the middle of what he was saying. It reminded me of Mamie. She and I can be playing, or she's just sitting there and then there's this run for the window and hell breaks loose with a squirrel sighting. This is done at home or at Rosalie's. Anyway I really recommend the movie, it is a cartoon and is just really a jewel. I could really equate some of the characters with someone I know. Wednesday I saw "Drag me to Hell" which is a really good horror movie. It had all the accoutrement's of a good ole horror flick. A gypsy curse, the seance, the black sense of doom, an old woman with a wicked eye, the long dirty fingernails of a witch, (Hmmm - some of these characters have been seen at a lot of 12 step meetings), the explanation of the curse, etc etc etc. This was not a tongue in cheek movie. It was a serious horror flick. To the point of almost being over the TOP. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And to wrap up the week, today I saw "The Hangover" which is absolutely hilarious. I put it right up there with "What Happened to Mary" (I think that's the right name). There were no really big established stars in the flick and the newbies really did one hell of job convincing you that this was really happening. The situations all connected quite well, and it was one belly laugh after another. Of course, the night that preceeded the Hangover was hilarious as it unfolded throughout the movie. I highly recommend all three of these movies. Nothing like in depth laughter to heal the wounds of the soul or to just fill the time with mirth. It was really fun to watch the making of the Hangover and not experience the actual event. Man, Sobriety Rocks.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD (squirrel) schnauzer.
• My sponsor who is recovering quite well and is just full of joy. He is an amazing man.
• My Right
• Improvement to my left eye. Monday I find out about the surgical schedule, I hope.
• Being sighted.
• Family
• That I have always been the one to reach out to my siblings, even with the fears and the assumption of outcomes.
• Everyday things.
• Friends
• All y'all.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Fear is the other end of love. It is the primal polarity. "Conversations with God - Book 1" page 57

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Hi, my alkie friends. I really do admire all of you that post on a daily basis. I just can't do that. I enjoy doing it and do until it just becomes too much for me. You know I have "so much" to do. Sometimes I get on a real good roll and can go for months, or at least weeks, and then I just become overwhelmed with the rigidity of posting and reading. Now the rigidity is self-imposed, but it's there and when I let it become too much I stop. I talk both to my shrink and my sponsor about this and they both agree with me stopping but encourage me not to let it go so long. I do the best I can and each time I start,stop and restart I seem to lose someone I thought was a friend. It's not like I have lost my sobriety, I won't lose that no matter what. Nothing gets in the way of my sobriety. And I mean nothing. If I have to give up something, I can guarantee that it won't be my sobriety. It cost me too much to obtain it, and then it became a gift and it's the one gift I won't be giving back.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, my Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer.
• My sponsor.
• My Right Eye
• Being sighted
• All the things I take for granted - walking, talking, smelling, enjoying a meal, my dog, my friends, etc.
• Lambda
• Tomorrow is double dip day.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah!

Another day of Sobriety.

Feeling guilty is a learned response. June 3 - "Conversations With God - Book 1" page 119

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Today I am grateful for:

• God - My Higher Power
• My Sobriety
• Mamie, my OCD schnauzer
• My Sobriety
• My Right Eye
• Being sighted
• Not having a snit at the Dr. today when only his PA was there. I graciously reminded the receptionist that I only see the Dr. She check my chart, and there it was. She apologized and it is now in the system and I am rescheduled to go in on 6/22. I feel good that I didn't just blast her. I must be spiritually fit today.
• Seven of you left me a comment after a months absence.
• Peace, Quiet, Love
• The wonder of an electrical storm Southeast of downtown as I drove in from Spring. Beautiful.
• All y'all

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.(can't believe I left this off last night)

MAY - Started on a Downer; Ended with a Miracle.

Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them. June 2 Conversations with God, Book 1, page 122
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Hey there my alkie friends. How the hell are all y'all? Thank God the month of May is gone. It has been a very hard month for me to get through and this one was worse than most. I just could not deal with blogging, it was just too much for me. But I did do my AA program, I am still sober, and a miracle to report. Well, it's a miracle to me.

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The second Sunday in May I saw my oldest sister's husband's

obituary in the Houston Chronicle. He died on April 28. That was the first anniversary of Dollie's passing. Just a note. This is the sister that I have not seen since 1964, and have only spoken to a half dozen times since then. Wanda and I just never got along and she told my Mother that she should have me committed to a mental institution to get me cured for being gay. This was the last straw and I just wrote her off. Of course there is more to this but I won't go into all that. I called her a few times and she was always so cold, so I just wrote her off. The last time we talked was about 1992 and that was a whole 2 minutes. I was in Houston on vacation and I thought I would reach out one more time to see if maybe we could have some sort of a relationship. She told me I should have called much earlier, I said well I'm here for 2 weeks. Well, we really won't be able to see you, next time call for an appointment. I wished her well and hung up. Now at this time I had been sober about 6 - 8 months.

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Wanda is the oldest of Mother's 5 children and is 88. I called her son, Byron to offer my condolenses and he was very glad to hear from me. He is 5 years younger than me at 62. We talked for a good 45 minutes. He also told me that he had been estranged from his parents at one time due to their drinking, but they had gotten over that. I was surprised about the drinking because I was under the impression that Wanda had been in AA since 1951. WRONG. Evidently only did a cameo appearance. Anyway I told him I would love to talk to her but just could not go through the rejection again. He told me he was sure that would not happen and to call her, that she would probably be glad to hear from family. I tried calling her and no answer so I decided that she saw caller ID and just did not answer.

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So I sent her a sympathy card on Friday May 22. The following Friday, May 29 (23rd anniversary of Mother's Death) I got home from my double dip meetings and checked my mail and damned near stroked out. There was a card from Wanda. (She has lived in Houston since 1961 which I knew). I carefully opened it and I was suprised and moved to tears of Joy. She was so glad to hear from me, must have been out when I called, she always answers when she is home. "I would love to see you soon. Please get in touch. O.K.? Love, Wanda. So I called her and we talked for about 20 minutes and ended the call with a lunch date for Sunday, May 31. She lives at the Forum at Post Oak and I-10. It is a high rise with private residences, assisted living, and then a full nursing home section.

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So I called her just before I left and asked her if I needed to go through security or what. She said no, I'll meet you in the lobby. I told her fine, I would call her when I turned onto Post Oak. I left home at 12:15 and on my way I said my prayers and a special prayer to be accepting to whatever unfolded and to be given the strength in case she changed her mind. I got to Post Oak a bit earlier than out 1 PM time. So I called and there was no answer. I tried again - no answer. So I still went there and found a parking spot and went in. I was stopped at the door by the security guards who asked whom I was there to see. I told hime her name and that she was to meet me in the lobby which is fairly large. She was not there. So the receptionist called and no answer. Then asked if I was expected and I confirmed yes. They tried a couple of more times and then sent someone up to check. A couple of minutes later the elevator opened and out stepped Wanda, she had been waiting in the 9th floor lobby. She was smiling and said well it is so good to see you, it's been a long time. So we sat and talked a few minutes and she asked well what are we going to do, and I said well we had planned to go to lunch and she said oh that's right, well where. We settled on Goode's Barbecue on Katy Hwy and away we went. We had a very pleasant lunch and a beautiful visit. She's a bit confused but mostly ok and fairly sharp for 88. She still drives. She did not want to talk about anybody but her husband and us. She mentioned 3 or 4 times - My husband died recently you know, and followed it up immediately with I'm repeating myself. About an hour into the visit she asked me " Why did we get so mad at each other." I was floored. I told her what Mother had told me and she replied Zane, I would never do that. So you'e gay - So. That's no biggy. (That was when the old line from "Whatever happened to Baby Jane?" at the end of the movie Bette Davis looked at Joan Crawford and said "You mean after all this time, we could have been friends.") Then I told her that Rosalie had always said that Mother just made that up, but it fit in with all that had happened before. I did not bring up the fact that they never helped me with Mother, because there is not need to at this late date. Anyway we visited for an hour more and then I took her Home. When I parked she squeezed my hand and said, now we must keep in touch, I'm terrible at calling, but call me. We must have more of these visits. I let her out and took her to the door, and she again repeated the let's do this again soon, and next time you'll have to come up to the apartment. She went in and I came home.

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Now I don't know what will really come of this, but I am so happy that I have those two hours. I'm sure we'll get around to talking about a lot of things, but I do not think Sunday May 31 2009 can be improved upon. I thank God and I am so glad I went on did the footwork. The payoff was GREAT.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

• God, My higher power.
• My Sobriety
• Mamie my OCD schnauzer.
• My sponsor who is home and is recovering well.
• The building of a new sibling relationship.
• Rosalie is very happy about this and was very encouraging.
• My Right eye.
• My left eye improving and June 9 I will find out when the major surgery will be.
• A good time at Hayden's bithrday party.
• A great Birthday night at Lambda - 432 years sobriety.
• All y'all.