Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The sand looks different from the bottom.

Not to decide is to decide. June 23 - Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book 1 page 50


Hi. I've processed yesterday and it's events to the max. I am not a happy camper. I want to revolt. I want to hide my head in the sand. I don't want to face what is going on with my diabetes. I do not want to accept it. I am on a boat trip in the River of Denial. I saw the endocrinologist yesterday. My blood sugar was 297, higher than ever. My C1A was 7.0. He's putting me on another medication in addition to what I am already taking. I also told him about a pain I have starting on the left side of my chest close to the sternum and sharply going up my neck to my teeth. He asked his student doctor what his opinion was, and it was TESTS. Then the nurse came in and he gave her my prescription and said something about stress. When I checked out, I got the prescription, he will see me in two weeks. I was also given a sheet to have a treadmill stress test. I told them I cannot tolerate that kind of stress test and they asked about the nuclear test. I had one 4 years ago and found it to be quite painful. I thought I was dying. So that seems to be what is being ordered. I AM NOT going to take it. I just cannot go through that again. Also, the co-pay is not affordable.


And besides the above, I am so rageful these past few days. That is one of the things I am processing. I need to talk to my sponsor about this, but he is going through so much his self and I know if he finds this out he will get on my case. I was rageful at the Dr.'s office yesterday because he had Fox News on in the lobby and I had to listen to some wingnut screaming about the fact that Obama was being weak about Iran. Shit, it'n none of our business. Iknow that politics is not what we talk about here but it is just an example of how and at what I am rageful about. I have got to find out what it is really all about. I can usually figure it out in a day or two but this has been a week. I keep reading 417/449. I remember in 1997 while I was in an outpatient daily mental hospital that I was so distressed I just read and reread this passage and I finally found peace within myself. So that's my object right now. It worked before and it will work again. I just have to find that fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.


I have a feeling that one of the things is Rosalie's Health, and the other is more feelings of my Mother that surfaced in my visit with Wanda. My friend Joe pointed this out to me this afternoon. It's a good place to start. I know this thing will pass, they always do, and then all will be great in God's world again. Zane just needs to accept this. I'm working on it. This is the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the promises working in my life. Damned but I love sobriety.


Tonight I am grateful for:

  • God, my Higher Power

  • My Sobriety

  • Mamie, my schnauzer

  • My Sponsor

  • My eyesight

  • The everyday bits of life

  • That this ragefulness will pass

  • The being thrown away feeling I have towards a woman I thought was a friend will pass.

  • Friends

  • All y'all.

Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.


dAAve said...

Let's work on letting go of some stuff that's not important and stuff that we can't do anything about. Then we can focus on what matters. eh?

Scott W said...

Sounds like fear to me. Afraid of losing something we already have, or of not getting something we need. This is a difficult time for you, be kind to yourself. Remember your HALT.

Extra prayer is good, too. Sending some your way.

Syd said...

Zane, I hope that the medical condition will get resolved for your good. I love the term "wing nut" by the way. And that perfectly captures Fox News.

Steve E. said...

Zane, I think today maybe take your own advice--it always works for ME! It goes like this:

"Y'all be pretty now, ya heah?"