Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows which the word knows not;
And sometimes we call a mad cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
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Goooood Afternnnnnooooooooooon Alkies,

Well, I just plum forgot to post yesterday. I do remember the day, however, so all is not lost. Yesterday I saw my shrink. I'm still crazy, so I did not throw away my money on my "SOBER and CRAZY" bumper sticker that I got Saturday. I've had a stickker of that verbage for many years but have not had one since I got to Houston. Saturday I was at the Serenity shop in Old Towne Spring and they had it so I grabbed it.

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After seeing the shrink I went out to the Harris County Appraisal District almost to Austin, and dropped off my application for "over 65 tax exemption." This should lower my property taxes for 2007 and beyond. Then to Costco. It was about 77 and just really great outsidde. I was in the store about an Hour, and came out to this howling wind and the temp had dropped and with the wind it was cold enough to freeze a witches tit in a brass brasierre. Brrrrrrrr. Another way of God's way of telling us CHANGE is in the air. I love winter spring and fall. SCREW Summer. Now had I been the princess on Howdy Doody I would have been Princess SpringFallWinterSpring.

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Aha. Sunshine. Just a momentary peek from the heavens, just enough to let me know it is still there. Another one. Gone. Not much to report. I did get a call from the Endocrinologist and my appointment is 1:45 Feb 18. That will give me 6 days rest after my third laser treatment on my eye on Feb 12. It's always something. And God always gives me the strength to do what I need to do and continually does for me what I can or won't do for myself. But on a daily basis I thank Him for the blessings of the day before and ask Him to Lead, Guide, and Direct me as I trudge through today. And always, always, always, ask for His will not mine. It's just so simple. Until I get a good dose of fear and go all apeshit and then either myself or my good friend Daave reminds me about step three. Or Scott W. or today's birthday girl, PAMMY. or etc. Oh, lordy, and my sponsor.

And I call happenings like that GOD Shots. I don't hear much about God Shots down here in Texas, but it was common is So Cal. And they happen in sometimes subliminal ways. In changing lanes (look again), I do and a car was in my blind spot. Or, don't pull up by that truck, drop back and the truck swerves into where I would have been because some fool cut him off. Yes, God, my Higher Power is always there.

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That is enough out of me for today.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, My Schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

My friends.

The will to live this day to it's fullest.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday, January 28, 2008

January 28. Every heart which earnestly asks, Which is the path to God? is shown. Meditations from "Conversations with God." page 94
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I really wish it were possible to "can" the really good moments like in the day I had on Saturday. I was so up and so scared it would end. But it did get through the day and most of yesterday. AND THEN BLAM. Major depression raised it's ugly head and just wore me out for the rest of yesterday and most of today. I saw my internist this afternoon and he is very concerned about the way my diabetes has wopped me with diabetic retinopathy. Mainly because my quarterly tests show that it is and has been under control most of the time. He is consulting with an endocrinologist and after the tests I will do for the next few days, they can come up with an answer. I also have the first laser treatment for the retinopathy this Thursday. So I can drop off the one of the tests, get blood drawn before my 10:30 laser treatment. This is good, so I do not have to make another trip to the Midtown. As far as the depression goes, I just have to ride it out and I KNOW that it will pass, it's just that when it does get like this I fear that it is settling in for a long while. That has not happened in a long while, but the fear is from my history of depression. I am much better than I was last year or even 5 years ago. I just have to keep the faith. Just like with my alcoholism, I have to remember that I will get better, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. Just grab one of the tools from my tool box and work at it.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, GOD.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Faith.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

You must first learn to honor and cherish and love yourself. Jan 27, Meditations from Conversations with God. page 126

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I thoroughly enjoyed the birthday celebrations of last night. 333 years of Sobriety were celebrated. The funniest line of the evening went to this lady celebrating 18 years that, after identifying herself, said "and now for a year for year recap of these past 18 years." The only thing that I planned to say was Sweet 16 and very much kissed, all four cheeks plus. then it was more blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc. And we were all very verbose. And, as with all Birthday Nights, there was a lot of love expressed, a lot of gratitude, and a bunch of recovering drunks celebrating various lengths of time in SOBRIETY. And we all got there the same way - ONE DAY AT A TIME WITHOUT A DRINK.

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Today, I am grateful for:

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My higher power, God.

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My Sponsor

My friends that shared dinner with me b4 the meeting.

The experience, strength, and hope that was shared during the 1.5 hour meeting.

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Y'all be pretty, now ya heah!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I invite you to a new form of communication with God. A two-way communication. In truth, it you who have invited Me. For I have come to you, in this form, right now, in answer to your call. Meditation from "Conversations with God" January 26, page 7

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What a georgeous day. All's right with my world today, and I am loving and basking in it. For Today. Tonight is birthday nite at Lambda Center. When I looked at the birthday list yesterday, there were about 24 other drunks celebrating January birthdays. That's a bouquet of Miracles.

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Today, I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, GOD.

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My Sponsor

The Lambda Center

My friends blogs and the comments.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not,
And oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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EEEEEEvening ALKIES,
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I am just heartsick. I am watching Garth Brooks Live from LA. What the hell has happened to his voice. Man, it is cracking all over the place and the tune done fell out of the paper bag. (Not a judgement, just observation) I have always loved his singing, still do, but it sure is not the quality it was just five years ago. However, it does come through on a couple of songs. I hope it is only a one time thing, a fluke maybe. But then voices change. I would sure hate for that to happen to my sobriety. So far, it has only become stronger as it and I age together, one day at a time. Mellow at times, fierce at times, but always strengthening. That is a blessing and I would not do a thing to jeopardise that. Or change, for that matter. I know that if I am diligent in working my program, doing the steps, etc, etc, etc., I will only strengthen it for that day. And that is how it is to be done, one day at a time.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God

My sobriety,

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My sponsor

A great topic at the 10 AM meeting

A strong topic at the 12:15 meeting - Sex and Sobriety.

That my acceptance of others is strong most of the time.

That through God's grace and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I no longer make it a habit of lashing back at those that piss me off.

That I may not have to LIKE everyone, but I do have to LOVE everyone.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I suggest that it is your judgements which keep you from joy, and your expectations which make you unhappy. Jan 24, Meditations from "Conversations with God" page 108
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Nudge toward sobriety: "When you're see 'two for one,' it's time to come to the Program." Rick N. from God grant me the Laughter.
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We are not a glum lot. Alcoholic Anonymous
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Goooooooooooooood Afternooooooooon, Alkies.
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What a great day so far. I actually got up before the crack of NOON. I made it to the 12:15 meeting. Today's topic was when did you first decide you were alcoholic. A very good meeting. A lot of good things were said from a returnee with 3 days to oldie moldies, and some in between like me. This was one of those meeting in which there was no down time between shares. Then it was the after the meeting meeting at Luby's. There were 9 of us and we talked about many things. I always enjoy this Bunch for Lunch group. Not one person at our table had desert. I could not help but notice the two adjoining tables that three people left whole deserts. ???? It's almost to me like it used to be to me, someone leaving a drink. Jeez. I am so blessed to have left that part of myself behind.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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My Higher Power, God.

My Sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer.

My Sponsor, recovering from a pace maker type implant.

Today, I did not have my eyes dilated.

Hearing from an old friend in San Diego with 12 years Al anon, Lover 12 AA.

Another gray day, which I would welcome, in AUGUST.

Friends, in and out of the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

You cannot experience yourself as what you are until you've encountered what you are not. This is the purpose of the theory of relativity, and all physical life. It is by that which you are not that you yourself are defined. Meditation from "Conversations with God." P27
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I'm pooped. Three days of doctors. Diagnosis:Diabetic Retinopathy. Luckily, God prodded me with the Sunday night episode to get me going. It is in its early stage and I will have three laser surgeries starting on Jan 31, Feb 7, And Feb 12. Last night I was asked by the eye DR to sleep on my right side. So I followed instructions altho it hurt my hip like hell, and this morning the blood was diespersed like she had hoped. So I am going to be fine. Now to take care of the rest. Urologist. Diabetic education which I have not done. Not being on insulin I decided it was not a big deal. You know with my rather large medical knowledge. NOT. So I will be busy for the next couple of months. I am so embarassed to have done this to myself. But at least God, did let me go to far. I am here to tell you that DIABETES is not to be fucked with. You know we have a saying in AA that if you have diabetes you get it treated and not one thinks anything of it. You get alcoholism treated and you must be weak willed. HMMM.

This is short. More tomorrow. Love to all of you.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

TUESDAY, January 22, 2008

Every Heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not,
Often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
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Hoooooowdy ALKIES,

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I'm posting late due to eye doctor appointment and to have something to say. HEH HEH. When I first got up this AM, yes AM. 10 AM in fact, I could not see clearly at all out of my left eye. But it cleared to just a blur within 30 minutes. My appoint was for 1:30 and my friend Joe was coming to pick me up. We got to the DR office and in I went. They did some tests before she saw me. And I do have glaucoma. and my vision has changed, but they won't do anything until this current problem is resolved. Dr. came in and I described what happened and she looked at my eye with the thingy. She said well you certainly made a very clear description of what you were seeing. I have a blood vessel hemorrhage in my left retina. She referred me to a retinologist and even made the appointment for me which is for 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. She said I could drive but be very careful. The current problem is a progression of my diabetes. Now I did not want to hear that. So with that taken care of Joe and headed home.

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Progression of my diabetes. Well, that just knocked me right out of denial. I do try to take care of myself and take my diabetic med but do not adher to a diabetic diet because my blood sugars are so in control that I have decided I can do otherwise. Now my Dr. is aware of this and he has told me I need to do better but he is pleased with my sugar counts. Now sugar counts are very important but this fing disease works like a hidden bandit with other parts of my body. I know this, but at 66 with no previous problems I thought well I have pretty well taken care of my diabetes and I'm ok. WRONG.

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Now I'm concerned about my kidneys as the ER dr said my blood tests showed my kidney count is 186 and that is high. I have an appt with my internist for that, but had to reschedule depending on what the retinologist does tomorrow. Am I a bit scared? Yes. But I am not wallowing in this development. It is something I just have to live through, take care of, and make the indicated adjustments. And the fact that I'm quite overweight probably does not help this at all. Well, now the rubber has hit the road. I have to do something besides what I have been doing. CHANGES are on the horizon.

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I strongly believe that the way I have attended to my alcoholism, have been successful for many years, that this. to, can be controlled. The last wake-up call I had was in 2002 when I would not fit in an MRI machine because I was too fat. That certainly awakened the incomprehisable dmoralization that I had to get the weight off. I did. I went To OA and lost 60 lbs within 6 - 8 months. So I now HAVE to do something again. you know it just takes what it takes.

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I have been diligent with my AA program and can just use the same diligence on my other problems. This realization has been slowly coming out of the fog. I know but I did not want to do the work. Well, honey, diabetes I am finding is also a cunning, powerful disease. And it ain't gonaa get me DOWN.

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It's just progress, not perfection. and all the other slogans. More to come.

I wanted to do another quote, but with my eyes dialated I can't read the small print of my meditation book. So tomorrow I will have to do the 22 and 23rd. I hope you all can read this.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power - GOD.

My Sobriety

Dolly, My Schnauzer.

My Sponsor

Friends that care and help me through the rough spots.

Two new people that stopped by my blog

Having all my legs, arms, eyes, feet, hands, and my digits.

My sobriety does not feel threatened.

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Now y'all be pretty now, ya' heah.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008

Every heart has it's secret sorrows, which the world knows not,
Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today I am starting with my gratitude list.
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Today I am Grateful for:
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My higher power
My sobriety
Dolly, My Schnauzer
Daave for taking me to the emergency room at Park Plaza Hosp at 2 AM today.
That I only need to see an eye Doctor ASAP
That for a 66 year old that abused this body for so many years, I am in pretty good health.
Not having had a stroke last night.
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I had a wonderful day yesterday. I spent it with my two good friends Joe and Karl. We stopped by Scott W.'s last day of show. My friends were impressed with his work. I also picked up the two pieces I had purchased, which Scott gave
them to me early. Went abck to my friends house where I proceeded to make a big pot of Texas Chili. Had to really cut back on the cayenne pepper bacause they don't like that much HOT. But it was very good. I came home about 10.
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Around 11:30 as I was finishing up in the bathroom, my left eye seemed like it had something in it. The I had these huge floater in it. Looked liked ink blots or a mix of scrambled notes. If I looked down at the white tile floor as it turned my head it looked like something was scurrying across the floor. A rather large something. Thn I realized it was the eye. I got very concerned and all aflutter. So I called my United HealthCare Nurssing Assistance Line. I gave her my symptoms and she said I needed to get to an Emergency Room and not to drive in case it intensifies. So then I called Dr. Gathe and his nurse called back and I told him the sysmptons and he said I will call Park Plaza Hosp ER and tell them you are coming. DO NOT DRIVE. It is a little after 1 at this point. So I called Daave. This dear friend came out to my house 26.5 miles and took me to PPHER.
It was about 2:30 by this time. And they took me right in. I was their only patient. I told the ER nurse and Dr. what my symptons were about seeing the large floaters, and they looked like yeah the guys probably drinking. Or at least that's what I thought they were thinking so I quickly interjected that I was sober and did not drink or do drugs. They laughed. They did an eye exam, and with my history of stroke (TIA) they did a CAT scan, (one of those hairless ones). Daave offered to get get a Labrador so I could also have a LAB test. HARDEE HAR HAR. The CT cam e back with nothing goin on. So they sent me home with instructions to see my Dr. asap, and to see an Opthomologist ASAP. Today, being MLK day Drs. offices are closed. So I have an appt with the eye Dr. at 1:30 tomorrow. Still advised not to drive til they settle on what is wrong. My friend Joe will take me.
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So I cannot thank Daave enough for getting out of his warm bed and helping me.
He got me home at 6:45 and then he went home. He missed his 6:30 AM meeting.
It is a blessing to have friends like this.

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So I'm just laying around the house today. Dolly is staying close. It is amazing how pet's know when something is wrong and just give that little extra tlc. I love that.
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This just strengthens my Faith that God has provided me with the type of friends that are there for me and that that is also a very big part of my sobriety.
It adds a special meaning since it happened on my 16th Birthday.
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Now y'all be pretty, ya heah.

See y'all around the Blogdom.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

No one who has attained mastery is dull. Unusual, perhaps. Extraordinary, perhaps. But never dull. Meditations from "Conversations with God." January 20 page 78
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Gooooooooooooooood Moooooooooorning, ALKIES!
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Yesterday was really a good day. I was home most of the day and then went to TLC for the speaker meeting. I can't remember the guys name, but I really like what he said. It was his experience, strength, and hope. It was serious, and it was funny. His best line was "I got this Fiero and I thought I was just the answer." Never heard that before. I love how when a person shares and tells his or her story how that humanizes them. Especially if it is someone you only see every now and then. I guess that's because they expose themselves so totally to all and I can really relate to a portion or all of their story.

Today is my 16th birthday and honey let me tell you I have been very kissed. I have been kissed by God and given a solution to all my problems. And that is one of the miracles of sobriety.

Countdown continued. It is Sunday, January 19, 1992. OMG, it is morning and my feel bad is dieing again. Damned, I've got a hangover and I've got to drive to Los Angeles for our fucking beer bust this afternoon. It about 10 AM. We all get dressed to be at an 11 AM Brunch. A couple of Tequilla and orange juices and I am alive again. A couple more, eat brunch, and I am on the Road by 12:30. I am by myself and I have just got on Interstate 5. I'm passing a road sign that says Interstate 405 and a LAX next exit. Holy Shit. I realize I am have driven to LA and don't remember the trip. It is almost 2 and I'm about 30 Min from Griff's. I get to Griff's and order a margarita, chug it and order a tequilla on the rocks with a splash of lime. This is to be my drink for the rest of the day. All of the club is now here and it is almost 3. We toast a great weekend in San Diego. As president of the club I give each member their area for the duration of the beer bust and it begins. Now this is a bargain - $5.00 for all the beer or soda that you can drink from 3 - 7 PM. We kind of laugh at the first few that arrive on time. Now these are the hungry Hannah's and the alkies. (LOL) They are there for the full 4 hours. Now I have been drinking like allmost non-stop since Thursday and I am now putting down about 4-5 drinks per hour. Maybe more.

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I am making the rounds, making sure everyone is having a good time and that

there are no problems with the flow of the beer. I work my way back to the entrance to the patio and out comes Vic (my ex as of May 1, 11:45 AM) and that fucking home-wrecker. One of these days I get will the home-wrecker. I say hello and Vic and I hug. I alway hug a little extra cause this just pisses the hw off to no end. I go inside the bar and get a couple of tequilla shots and another tequilla on the rocks with a splash of lime. I am feeling pretty good and just starting to slur my words. I walk over and start talking with a friend and the HW comes up and starts talking. I realize he is wragging on me, telling me not to be hugging on Vic like I do. I listen for a second or two, down all of my drink, set the glass down and WHAM I pop the fucker right in the Mouth. WOW! OH SHIT! I have become violent just like my step-father. I was turning into that mother-fucker. It was at that moment that I realized I had a problem and needed to get my ass into treatment. How, I did not know, but today was definitely going to be the last day of my drinking. Four guys grabbed me and 5 or 6 grabbed Don (the HW) and they were really struggling to keep us apart. Even though I had my moment of clarity, I still wanted to grind that 6.5 foot bastard right into the ground. Then Vic was between us and was yelling at me and the Don started and Vic told him to shut his fucking mouth. He turned to me and asked what the hell got into me. I started to say something and the guy I was talking to told him that Don came up and verbally attacked me and that he just verbally pushed me to far and popped in the fucking mouth and he was proud of me for finally finding my balls and doing what I should have done 6 months ago. Now this guy is one of Vic's best friends. Vic grabs Don and drags him out side and they get into this huge argument. Vic told him to shut up or the money would stop. Now that really pissed me off. Damned he was keeping the asshole. It was not like that with us. Anyway, the barkeep would not let Don back into the bar. So Vic told him to take a cab and he came back in.

I'm now back out in the patio sitting at the bar with Griff, crying, drinking more tequilla and loving every moment of different people telling me they are glad I finally did it. etc. etc. etc. My club members were not, as a group, that happy with me. I had made a scene in the bar in my colors and we were the host club. I apologized and then Griff and I had some more drinks. It must be 5 or so cause it is dark and Vic comes over and said he was sorry it had come to that but just to stay away from Don. He hugged me and I told him I know I had a problem and I was going to do something about. He just shrugged it off to having a bit too much to drink and Don. He left, Griff gave me another drink and then I was on my ass looking up at everyone looking down at me and a couple of my club members picking me back up and putting me back on my barstool. Talk about imcomprehisive demoralization. I cried some more and had a couple of drinks more and it was time to go. Again, I was releived of my keys and we went over to a couple of my Tom and BVK's house. Greg was driving me again.

We got to the house and they poured me into the house. I just wanted something to drink. Maybe a glass of wine. My hosts said I had had too much. (ya think). So I had something. I came too about 11 PM and Greg and Tom and I talked. I don't remember much about that except I told them I had come to the conclusion that I drank too much and needed help. Greg told me he only had said something about my drinking because of my meds. And then I cried some more. Not just tear, but sobbing like someone had died. They put me to couch and I woke up about noon the next day. Man I was sick. My body throbbed right in step with my head. I had a couple of glasses of very cold orange juice and right up it came. About 1 I left for home. It took me about 3 hours to make a two hour drive. I left a trail of vomit from Glendale to Running Springs. Some in my car, a lot on the side of the road. As I climbed the Mountain the cold air was so soothing. I pulled the car into the garage, closed the door and scooped up a hand of snow and just ate it. IT WAS WHITE.

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I fix a 24 oz glass of diet coke and took a pitcher of cold water to my bedroom. I laid down and the room was spinning like a 45 rpm record. My head was pounding, my heart was pounding like it was coming through my chest. Man I was miserable. I threw up several more times that night. I decided that I needed to call AA and find a meeting tomorrow. Today was January 20 1992. The first day of my life since the age of 18 that I did not put any alcohol into my boddy. Detox had begun. Since that day, alcohol hass not crossed my lips.

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Today is Tuesday, Jan 21, 1992. I am dying. I hurt so bad all over. My head is exploding. My body is throbbing, my heart is about to pound itself out of my body. I am still vomiting. I keep myself hydrated and as soon as I drink the water, up it comes. By late afternoon the body is starting to hurt less. I finally stop vomiting. Around six I boild some potatoes and have them with butter, salt, and pepper and more water. I am starting to rejoin the human race. I go to bed right after eating and sleep the night through, getting up only to pee.

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It is Wednesday, Jan 22, 1992 About 2 PM I call the AA Central Office in San Bernardino, tell them where I live and ask for a meeting on the mountain if possible. Luckily there was one just two miles from home. I had made up my mind that I would drive wherever I needed to but it was close to home. I inquired if I could just audit the meeting and she said that of course, all I needed was a desire to stop drinking or think that I might have a drinking problem. Now that was comforting, I had an out if I so Chose to use it. I drove over to the Mountain Club on Hwy 18 about 7:30 PM and sat in my car. About 10 min to eight this guy in a Howdy Doody outfit walked by and I asked him if this was AA. He said yes and invited me to walk in with him. By the light I could tell he was around 50 but I was about to laugh at the outfit he had on. If he had had a cap pistol with the outfit I think I would just died. But I kept my cool, as far as I was concerned this was an EMS person and he was helping me in to get well. I sat down, was offered coffee and got up and got it with cookies. The meeting started. We prayed. Chapter 5 was read. They clapped. Chapter three was read. WOW!! They clapped. The traditions were read. They clapped. I identified with tradition three. I also strongly identified with chapter three. Then they asked for newcomers as their first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I raised my hand and was asked to stand, state my name, and identify. I said my name is Zane and I'm an alcoholic. I had this feeling come over me that I had experienced few times in my life. It was like when I was baptized. I told my story that I just shared with y'all and they clapped. I thought I was a hit, being a showgirl, and I thought I have found IT. I listened to everyword that was said that night. At break several of them came and welcomed me. I got phone numbers. I got a meeting scheduled. I called work again that thursday morn and told them I was still sick and would not be until Monday. I wnt to a noon meeting. The same thing except I did not tell my story. Keep coming back. I went to an 8 oclock meeting in Lake Arrowhead, 15 miles from home. I found all of the meeting on the mountain in the next 5 days. And I have been coming back ever since. I did what was suggested. I got a sponsor. I more that 90 in 90. The hardest time for me was between leaving work and meeting time. I drank lots of tea, coffe, or cranberry juice. Hovering at 30 days I called my two neighbors over and had them witness me pouring the contents of my open bottles down the drain. I gave them several bottles of you name it, they got it. I had several wines, they got it. I laughed when they asked maybee some one at the meetings might appreciate some. They realized what they had said and they laughed. Everyone I knew was happy for me. But not as happy as I was.

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My journey started with one day. Today I celebrate 5,804. ''

Today I am grateful for:

My higher power: God.

My sobriety.

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My Sponsor.

My friends Daave and Scott and Luke and...and...and..

A life that I can remember on a daily basis

Surviving what I now know was alcoholic poisoning

Day 1 of my 17th year.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

By your decisions you paint a portrait of Who You Are. Meditation from "Conversations With God. Jan 19. page 154
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GOOOOOOOOOOD Moooooooorrrrning Alkies,
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This weather sucks. Rainey. Cold. Dark. Sober. So it's not so bad. I was going to build a fire the other night, but I still haven't gotten around to it. Maybe tomorrow. Procrastination, what would I do without it. Maybe get something done? What a concept. I could not sleep last night so I got up and went to people finder and finally found an old friend that I used to work with. Now to call him. Finally went to sleep after looking at the clock at 5:30 AM. Well, needles to say I did not make my Friday morning meetings. Got up about 11:30, 5,5 hours sleep. I usually get about 8 - 10 hours. Hey, I'm a tired old queen. It's a luxury for me. Sleep always has been and I used to get 1 to 4 hours of sleep and just did not function well. But now that I have been sober as long as I have been that is not a problem. Actually it has not been a problem since I finally totally detoxed. And that took forever as I had really been cruel to this ole body of mine.

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Continuing Countdown. Today is Saturday, January 18, 1992. I am awakened about 4 PM by one of my club members. We only had three hours for all of us to get ready and to the Hall in Balboa Park by 7 PM. Damned I felt like hell. But not as bad as I felt yesterday. Tonight was going to be fun. The cocktail hour before dinner. Dinner with wine, speeches, awards, installation of officers. More cocktails and finally to the bars by 11 PM. I managed to pull myself together, three S's, and get into my formal Uniform. The Warriors Dress uniform consisted of dark blue breeches, motorcycle high top boots (Danners), a baby blue uniform shirt, tie, and name tags, officer tags, and various pins and awards. And a leather motorcycle hat. We really looked sharp. Our uniform, as it turns out is an exact copy of the Las Vegas Police uniforms. Not intended but just happened. One of my friends that had been in AA for two years started on me about my excessive drinking this weekend. This really pissed me off and as usual when he started on me I would give the "nothings worse than a reformed drunk (he had double digit DUIs ) or a born again Christian. He always said it was not that I drank, but that I drank while taking a lot of prescribed medications and psych drugs and he was afraid I would not wake up some morning. And he was not looking forward to my funeral. Of course my reaction to that was well enjoy your bottled waters and fixed a large margarita. I was almost out of the 3 1.75 bottles that I had bought, not to mention what I drank at the bars or parties. I just did not want the hassle. We finally made it to Balboa Park and there was a line for the damned bar. About 15 - 20 people ahead of us. So I went back to the car and got my go-cup with about half a margarita left and back in I Went. One of the hosts met me at the door with a plastic cup from their bar to pour my drink into so I could get it past security. Man, another hassle. Finished that and finally got to the bar and ordered 4 frozen margaritas. Hell the line was long and I did not want to run out. I took them to my place at the table and then socialized. Within about 45 minutes I was out and it was almost dinner time so I went back to the bar and got 4 more. The line was not bad. By the time I got to the table they had called Dinner so I was just right on time.

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Out came the wine, then salad, then entree, then desert, then after dinner drinks. By this time I had finished the 4 margs. and needed more. I asked the waiter if he could get me four and he obliged me. Then came the awards. Then they were talking about this past summers run show when I came out at the end of the Easter Parade With only my red stilettos, a cock ring, and a big pink picture hat. Of course most of 125 attendees had been on the run and they all laughed and so forth. Then just as my 4 margs. got to the table they asked me to come to the stage. With drink in hand I went up and was presented with an enlarged poster size picture of me in all my altogether. Not only did they present it to me, they had to show it around. I was hoping to wilt, the floor open up, or anything to get off that stage, but no, I had to stay up there while the poster made the rounds. During all of this, I did not drop a drop of my drink and I finished and finally the poster made it back to the stage and I took it and sat down. By this time the remaining three margs. had thawed out a bit and down they went. And I got 4 more. Now by this time I had had a LOT to drink and I was feeling very gook but no where near drunk. Ya know how sometimes it seemed we could drink volumes of cocktails and it never got above a buzz. Well that was how it went for most of the night.

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Finally we headed for the bars and drank for a couple more hours. Went dancing and drank more. I continued ordering my margs. by 4 at a time. I should have been blotto, but no I was just buzzed and I was really having a great time. It was one of the most fun evenings I had had since Vic broke up with me. I was still very much in pain over this and I think that is one of the reasons I drank so heavily other than the fact that I just plain liked it. We had stayed friends and I saw he and the home-wrecker quite frequently on a social basis. The home-wrecker was not welcome at my home, but Vic came up about every three weeks and spent the nite downstairs in the buildup. I digress but with reason. The bars closed and it was over to the same motel where we were the nite before. A lot of guys were there and the party just continued. I was starting to wilt and feel the gallons of booze I had ingested. About 3:30 I called it a night, and my friends took my keys away from me. So Greg, my sober friend, took them and drove us back to Blakes. I fixed a couple or so more drinks and went to bed. We had

to be up and leave to get back to LA in time for our beer bust at Griffs at 3 Pm the next day or actually later that day. I must have made it to bed about 4. The room did not spin and the clocked ticked on.

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Today I am grateful for:

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My Higher Power (God)

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My sponsor

Doing the countdown and realizing how really bad it had gotten

today I have another day of reprieve from the desire for alcohol

have a good sense of Humor

having a love of Laughter, my own

friends that trudge the road of happy destiny by my side

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows; which the world knows not,
Sometimes we call a man cold when he is only sad.Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Gooooooood Moooooorrning Allkies,
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Do you know where you are at. (Special for MC) Or rather do you know where you are at in your life with your friends. I thought I did but every now and then I realize changes need to be made. I have had this friend for over 30 years. At one time we were very tight. Three of us ran around together. We were the three bears, Betsy Mae Bear, Wilma Bear, and Rachel Bear. Eventually we grew apart, but kept in touch. Now Rachel Bear was a terror at times. If you did not agree with him, all hell appeared. So throughout the years I just let if roll off like I had a teflon back. The other day I received an email from him that was a piece of hate mail that has been making the rounds on the internet and is known to false. I sent him an email back that this was false and I was surprised that he would do this as it is over two years old. WOW!!! I got a very caustic email back stating that he did not want nor expect a reply to email and since I thought it necessary to do so, he would appreciate it if I would take him off of my email list as he was doing so with me. Incensed, I sent a return email stating "Thank God, something finally worked." Not nice I know. But I no longer wear the resentments that have stacked up over the years. There is a lot more to this story, but I won't burden you with that, this is probably already too much. But I feel so much better that I stood up and said in essence "I will not take your outbursts any longer, fuck off." Enough.

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Today has been a good day. Have not left the property at all. Not even a movie. I was supposed to go to a fundraiser meeting but decided that I had said I was taking the year off and I was going to stick to it. So in my head I have declared that this is one of the Promises working in my life. We will intuitively know how to handle things which used to baffle us.

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The countdown continues: Today I am posting about Friday, January 17, 1992. I am told I was put to couch about 3 AM. I kept asking for another tequilla shot. I am up at 11 AM and OUCH, my feel bad is dying. So I have a quick margarita and then coffee and a roll. About noon or so a group of us went to brunch, and then knocked around. We were back home about 4 or so and the 8 of us started the cleanup routine to go to the bar at 9 for a party the bar was throwing in honor of the CCMC Anniversary. I can only remember bits and pieces of the night because I was totaled out on Scotch and water than about midnite I switched to tequilla. I came out of a black out in a motel room with no clothes and in bed with a lesbian and several other naked men. Nothing was going on, we were just naked and drinking and playing some game. Next I know it is about 9am and these two lesbians wer in the bed and I was on the couch. All still sans clothes. The guys have all teased me ever since that I had a three way with the lesbians. ICK!!! Next thing I know I am back at Blake's Lots of remarks like "Girl you should be dead by now, You really were pretty last nite, Hows Lisa, etc. ICK!!! Anyway I went to the back bedroom and went to bed. And the clock ticked on.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly my Schnauzer

My Sponsor

That I no longer have blackouts

That I have learned to take responsibility for all of my actions

.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The first step in changing anything is to know and accept that you have chosen it to be what it is. If you can't accept this on a personal level, agree to it through your understanding that we are all one. Seek then to create change not because a thing is wrong, but because it no longer makes an accurate statement of who you are. Jan 17. Meditation from "Conversations with God: page 36.

Gooooood Mooooooorning Allllllkies.

Well, I forgot my salutation the last two posts. You know how you do something and you just know something is not right, but you can't figure it out. I do that more and more as I age. Another thing I've noticed in my last few post is my spelling and grammatical errors. A couple of them have even been those that I cringe about in others. Such as and instead of an, or the wrong to, too, or two. Know what I mean. But that's ok, I'd rather be sober and incorrect than drunk and correct. It's just one of those things that bug me.

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Yesterday I also gave you two days of the last week of my drinking. So there won't be one tonight. Plus, I'll also try to watch the length of my paragraphs. LOL. Hey, I'm sober. DO NOT DRIVE ME TO DRINK. LOL. I saw a video of a guy that went fishing and caught a stretch Hummer. It was a real, honest to God news video.

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Today was a good day. If I'm sober, it's always a good day. And I have had almost 16 years of day to day sobriety. Some days are very challenging, but I get through those, sometimes willingly, sometimes reluctantly. But if I keep trudging, I always make it through - SOBER. I can't think of anything that could make me drink. I had "You Don't Drink No Matter What" drummed into my head so thoroughly that I hear it echoing daily. I went to the movies again today and saw "The Orphanage." Very good movie. A Spanish film with English subtitles.

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Today I Am Grateful For:

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My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly, my schnauzer.

My Sponsor

Friends that love to tease me.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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Every Heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not.

Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The first thing to understand about the universe is that no condition is "good" or "bad." It just is. So stop making value judgments. Meditations from "Conversations with God." page 79.

Tuesday wound up being a pretty good day. A nice quiet rain started about 4 PM and just sort of put a calm over my house. Today I will have to build a fire as it supposed to still be raining. The last two days of my posts have been quite cathartic for me. I have not been in such close touch with that last week of my drinking since it actually took place. I have always included it in my share or if I am fortunate enough to be asked to tell my story. But always in a very general way. The best thing about Tuesday is that I got another 24 hours of sobriety under my cap. Now that is a Miracle in itself. And I was not in a hospital, on antibiotics or such, just practicing the suggestions as set forth in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. So simple.

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Today is Wednesday, January 16, 1992. I need to do a flash back with a little more details as to why my drinking became so much worse than it had been. As I told you yesterday, I was in a mental hospital as a full time or partial hospitalization for 5.5 months. During that time I had very little alcohol consumption. My 50th Birthday party I did not get drunk or even a buzz on. However as soon as I completed my hospitilization I moved up to the mountains above SanBernardino and returned to work. From Mid October until the end of December 1991 I commuted to downtown LA: round trip 210 miles daily. My drinking just really got worse than it ever had. End of Flashback. Usual hangover, usual vomit, however, no snow overnight so no need to spread the catlitter. Just me, a margarita, ice coffee and the drive to Riverside to work. As I stood there waiting for the elevator a co-worker told me I looked like hell and smelled of tequilla. I said I have a hangover but I will be on mainline tequilla for my long weekend. She just laughed and made some remark. So my workday was again not to productive and I left the office at 1 Pm for the drive to see my shrink in Beverly Hills. On the drive home I got a couple of icees from 7-11 and finally got home and did my usual - frozen margaritas, a couple or three or so scotch and waters and wine with dinner. I also packed the car for the trip to San Diego because I knew that I would not feel like fucking with it in the AM. Got up about 10, fixed a pitcher of frozen margaritas and off I went. I got Ice Coffee and a couple of biscuits in San Bernardino and off I went. Got to San Diego about 2 that afternon and went to my friends where I was staying for the weekend. Off to Price Club we went to stock the house for the weekend, there would be about 10 of us in the house. I got myself three 1.75 bottles of tequilla. To his house we went. I have now had many margaritas and am feeling very welll. It is time to party and some of the others came in and by 9 O'clock we were in the bars. Thursday ended and I am told they poured me into the car about 1 PM after I just wilted like a dying weed in the bar. I did not fall down. I just floated to the floor in mid-sentence. I'm told I had fun. The room did not spin tonite but clock did keep ticking.

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Today I am Grateful for:

.'

My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

My sponsor.

As I read this stuff I am writing I am so thankful that it is HISTORY

That I have been given a daily reprieve from the insatiable desire for booze

That I traveled into a deep depression during the day and came out of it this PM

That I still have a treasury of friends both in and out of AA

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

You can know yourself to be generous, but unless you do something which displays generosity, you have nothing but a concept. You can know yourself to be kind, but unless you do someone a kindness, you have nothing but an idea about yourself. Page 22, Meditations from Conversations with God. January 15.

Gooooooood Mooooooooorrrrning AAAAAAAALKIES.

Today has been a very good day. I went to the movies to see "The Kite Runner." very good movie. Again, I felt a lump in my throat (it was not a popcorn cornel).The other day when I was discussing the lowering of my psych meds I did not mention that I also was down 40 mg in my blood pressure medication. Progress, not perfection, not to mention as the dosage goes down, I am obviously getting better, not well, but better and the expense goes down. Another gift of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am more responsible in taking care of myself.The fact that I am teetering at 320 lbs, not withstanding. That will change for the better in time. Now on to the recap of the last seven days of my alcoholic self abuse.

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It is Tuesday, January 14 and another hangover. It snowed again last night. Hell it always snows up here in North Hell. Out comes the bag of cat litter and onto the snow and ice cover on the 39 steps. Now to get back down with out falling and butt skiing into the side of the house AGAIN. That's happened a few times, thank God for cat litter. Completed the 3 s's, climbed up to the Jeep and off to work I go. Head hanging out the window, drinking a margarita and hanging my head out the window on the way down the mountain. It's 18 degrees up here this AM. Three miles down the mountain I'm below the snow line and almost finished with the margarita. Head pounding, somache upset, and blurry eyed I descend the mountain. It's 45 or so at the base in San Bernardino. I stop, get an ice coffee and a couple of apple fritters and head for Riverside. I am really not in good shape this AM. Feel like barfing, but don't one more time. Today is the longest day on record. I am trotting between my desk and the bathroom. Luckily I do not get them confused. Lunch comes and I go to a Mexican restaurant for enchiladas and two margaritas. Took some extra time for lunch. Got another ice coffee to take back to the office with me. Damned I hate this job. (This job is a Customer Service Rep tracking installation of computer systems within Riverside and San Bernardino Counties) I am in a bull pen. No private office. Did I say I hate this job, I hate my boss, I hate most of my coworkers and expecially this one blonde German bitch that is my bosses secretary. I was in my bosses office and the conversation came to Brunhilda and I made the comment that I thought she was rather Crass. My boss laughed and said you call her Crass, wasn't it last week you called her a bitch to her face. OOOOOPS. The day finally ended and I only had one more day to work that week and it was actually a little over a half day as I had my weekly therapist appointment in Beverly Hills 95 miles from Riverside. I am just in my first year of therapy after having a mental breakdown in May of 1991. That was triggered by my partner of 10 years and 27 days when he called me at work on May 1, at 11:45 AM and broke up with me. 17 days later I checked myself into a mental hospital throught my psychiatrist and therapist. These two men guided me through the next 12 years of my life. But I did not know that yet.(Before the mental breakdown I was a Human Resources Area Administrator for 5 branch offices with 1500 employees. I had a private office and I loved my job. I was very pround of myself for acheiving this position although I only had a high school education) After being hospitalizedas either in patient or partiial hospitalization for 5-1'2 months i finally went back to work. But my position was gone. They gave it to someone else about 3 weeks before I came back. So I did not have a position for the next two months. Then I was transferred to Riverside which was close to where I exiled myself. I was in so much pain that I could hardly think of more thatn go to work, get off work, get stinking drunk, repeat. Anyway my week was going to be short because I was going to San Diego for the Anniversary and Installation of Officers for the CCMC Motorcycle Club down there. My m/c club was their brother club and it was to be a 4 day bash. Always good booze, sex, and whatever else you wanted to do. I did not do drugs, that is not part of my story, but I made up for it in my drinking. WAHOO. Come on Thursday. Made it home from work, a few scotches and then some taquillas with a drop or two of margarita mix for flavor, wine with dinner, then more taquilla, probably minus the margarita mix. Woke up in a pool of vomit in the kitchen (I did not notice this until the next Am which brought on another case of upchucking but outside in the snow as i spread more cat litter on antoher foot of snow) But that is for tomorrow. So I stager upstairs to bed, head pounding and the room went round and round and the clocked ticked on.

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Today I am grateful for:

My higher power

My sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

That I ambeing returned to better mental health

That I no longer have to shovel snow

That the pain I knew in 1991 and 1992 is 90% memory

That my friends know who I am and where I have been and where I am now

That my needs are met

.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Every heart has its Secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It's the beginning of the week for most people, however, due to being retired it is just another day for me. I know, must be hard to take. But it is not what I had thought it would be. I'm not complaining at all. The problem is I am also disabled and can not work. But the plus side is I have plenty to eat, a roof over my head, my needs and some of my wants are met and best of all I am doing it sober. I said the other day that I would relate to my last week of drinking this week and that is what I am going to be doing. The dates are off by one day. But it is still the week. I got this idea from PAM when she did her month (I think) last year. So here goes.

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Sixteen years ago today, I was not doing anything sober and I was unknowingly disabled. At the time I lived in Running Springs, California about 105 miles East of Los Angeles in the San Bernardio Mountains. It was January 1992 and we had snow on the ground. A fairly good dusting. I had 39 steps from the garage (which was roadside) down to the entrance to the log cabin that my ex-partner and I had built ten years before. I had scotchtequillawineitis. Almost a terminal case. I did not have a clue that this was going to be my last Monday of sharing the end of the day with my old friend - Spirit Of Alcohol. As usual, I got up this Monday morning with a hell of a hangover. I had sprinkled the ice on the steps with cat litter to give me footing. I got ready and up I went. I tell you the 19 degree weather sure felt good against the hot hangover feeling that consumed my being. I drove down the mountain and the 45 miles to Riverside where I worked. I hated this job, it was so beneath me and I did not particularly like my boss. I made it on time and as I got settled in to my day a meeting was called for all the branches in the building. So being one of 400 we met at a hotel down the street. Most of us just walked. One more time IBM was offering a buyout to employees with at least 20 years service. It was two weeks salary for each year of service plus a bridge (leave of absence) until one reached the 30th anniversary service at which time full retirement and benefits would be in effect. Medical benefits would also be ongoing until such time. I listened and did not think much about it. Of course with my magnificent hangover, I was not thinking right about anything except not barfing all over those around me. After the meeting some of us went to lunch in the hotel and decided to have a few cocktails. This was strictly against IBM policy. I had a couple of margaritas and back to work we went. Of course the rest of the day was non-productive as we were all talking about whether or not to take the offer. I was 50 at the time. The clock struck 4"30 and I was out the door. Home I went and fixed one of several pitchers of margaritas. Also threw in a few scotch and waters and of course wine with dinner. I came to about 1 or two and stumbled upstairs to bed. And the room was spinning and the clock was ticking.

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Today I am gratefu for:

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My Higher Power

My sobriety

Dolly, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

That my life has changed once I realized that it was unmanageable.

That God is always working in my life

That the past 16 years have been the ultimate blessing

That most of the time I place principles before personalities.

Attacks of Stinking Thinking have become less intense with longer time between.

Serentiy is worn like a second skin, MOST of the time

Change is no longer one at the top of I DO NOT LIKE list.

And wisdom I receive by being present in my own recovery.

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Y'all be pretty, now, ya heah.

Sat & Sun January 12/13 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows, Which the world knows not;
Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Goooooooooooood Weekend ALKIES,

Yep, the old weekend is here again. 16 Years ago I was very much into my cups by this time, sloshed in some forgotten bar on some forgotten street. Not really the bar was Griff's in Los Angeles on Melrose Avenue. Little did I know that I only had one week left in my drinking career. The way I drank the next week must have been like I had received a secret memo that this was my last week of drinking. And man did I pour it down. I will talk about that as the week rolls along.

Tonight at Lambda we had a terrific speaker. Lynette R. It was a quick hour and then it was over. Why is it the good speakers time whizzes by and when you get someone that is less than stellar, the time creeps by in snail increments? Anyway, this makes two weeks in a row that we have had very good speakers. Last week it was Steve and then Lynette tonite. Joe D. is doing a bangup job with his Sat nite speakers. I need to thank him for that.

Following is a funny list I received from an old friend in Los Angeles

The Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improving'

6. Wouldn"t Taker Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Looking Better With Every Beer

and the number one Country & Western Song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long

And I could tell a story with each and every one of those songs. Just switch out him for her. That will have to go in my list of blog stories.

Today I am Grateful for:

My Higher Power

Dolly, My Dog

My Sobriety

My Sponsor

To have heard experience strength and hope at tonites speaker meeting

To realize the blessing of sobriety

To hear from my fellow bloggers

For a wonderful rain at sundown

That I am one week from 16 yrs of sobriety

That Jan 20, 1992 is my one and only sobriety date (borrowed from daave)

That I'm trudging with more than another Million other ALKIES.

Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.