Monday, January 14, 2008

Every heart has its Secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
Oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It's the beginning of the week for most people, however, due to being retired it is just another day for me. I know, must be hard to take. But it is not what I had thought it would be. I'm not complaining at all. The problem is I am also disabled and can not work. But the plus side is I have plenty to eat, a roof over my head, my needs and some of my wants are met and best of all I am doing it sober. I said the other day that I would relate to my last week of drinking this week and that is what I am going to be doing. The dates are off by one day. But it is still the week. I got this idea from PAM when she did her month (I think) last year. So here goes.

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Sixteen years ago today, I was not doing anything sober and I was unknowingly disabled. At the time I lived in Running Springs, California about 105 miles East of Los Angeles in the San Bernardio Mountains. It was January 1992 and we had snow on the ground. A fairly good dusting. I had 39 steps from the garage (which was roadside) down to the entrance to the log cabin that my ex-partner and I had built ten years before. I had scotchtequillawineitis. Almost a terminal case. I did not have a clue that this was going to be my last Monday of sharing the end of the day with my old friend - Spirit Of Alcohol. As usual, I got up this Monday morning with a hell of a hangover. I had sprinkled the ice on the steps with cat litter to give me footing. I got ready and up I went. I tell you the 19 degree weather sure felt good against the hot hangover feeling that consumed my being. I drove down the mountain and the 45 miles to Riverside where I worked. I hated this job, it was so beneath me and I did not particularly like my boss. I made it on time and as I got settled in to my day a meeting was called for all the branches in the building. So being one of 400 we met at a hotel down the street. Most of us just walked. One more time IBM was offering a buyout to employees with at least 20 years service. It was two weeks salary for each year of service plus a bridge (leave of absence) until one reached the 30th anniversary service at which time full retirement and benefits would be in effect. Medical benefits would also be ongoing until such time. I listened and did not think much about it. Of course with my magnificent hangover, I was not thinking right about anything except not barfing all over those around me. After the meeting some of us went to lunch in the hotel and decided to have a few cocktails. This was strictly against IBM policy. I had a couple of margaritas and back to work we went. Of course the rest of the day was non-productive as we were all talking about whether or not to take the offer. I was 50 at the time. The clock struck 4"30 and I was out the door. Home I went and fixed one of several pitchers of margaritas. Also threw in a few scotch and waters and of course wine with dinner. I came to about 1 or two and stumbled upstairs to bed. And the room was spinning and the clock was ticking.

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Today I am gratefu for:

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My Higher Power

My sobriety

Dolly, my schnauzer.

My sponsor.

That my life has changed once I realized that it was unmanageable.

That God is always working in my life

That the past 16 years have been the ultimate blessing

That most of the time I place principles before personalities.

Attacks of Stinking Thinking have become less intense with longer time between.

Serentiy is worn like a second skin, MOST of the time

Change is no longer one at the top of I DO NOT LIKE list.

And wisdom I receive by being present in my own recovery.

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Y'all be pretty, now, ya heah.