Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

No one who has attained mastery is dull. Unusual, perhaps. Extraordinary, perhaps. But never dull. Meditations from "Conversations with God." January 20 page 78
Gooooooooooooooood Moooooooooorning, ALKIES!
Yesterday was really a good day. I was home most of the day and then went to TLC for the speaker meeting. I can't remember the guys name, but I really like what he said. It was his experience, strength, and hope. It was serious, and it was funny. His best line was "I got this Fiero and I thought I was just the answer." Never heard that before. I love how when a person shares and tells his or her story how that humanizes them. Especially if it is someone you only see every now and then. I guess that's because they expose themselves so totally to all and I can really relate to a portion or all of their story.
Today is my 16th birthday and honey let me tell you I have been very kissed. I have been kissed by God and given a solution to all my problems. And that is one of the miracles of sobriety.
Countdown continued. It is Sunday, January 19, 1992. OMG, it is morning and my feel bad is dieing again. Damned, I've got a hangover and I've got to drive to Los Angeles for our fucking beer bust this afternoon. It about 10 AM. We all get dressed to be at an 11 AM Brunch. A couple of Tequilla and orange juices and I am alive again. A couple more, eat brunch, and I am on the Road by 12:30. I am by myself and I have just got on Interstate 5. I'm passing a road sign that says Interstate 405 and a LAX next exit. Holy Shit. I realize I am have driven to LA and don't remember the trip. It is almost 2 and I'm about 30 Min from Griff's. I get to Griff's and order a margarita, chug it and order a tequilla on the rocks with a splash of lime. This is to be my drink for the rest of the day. All of the club is now here and it is almost 3. We toast a great weekend in San Diego. As president of the club I give each member their area for the duration of the beer bust and it begins. Now this is a bargain - $5.00 for all the beer or soda that you can drink from 3 - 7 PM. We kind of laugh at the first few that arrive on time. Now these are the hungry Hannah's and the alkies. (LOL) They are there for the full 4 hours. Now I have been drinking like allmost non-stop since Thursday and I am now putting down about 4-5 drinks per hour. Maybe more.
I am making the rounds, making sure everyone is having a good time and that
there are no problems with the flow of the beer. I work my way back to the entrance to the patio and out comes Vic (my ex as of May 1, 11:45 AM) and that fucking home-wrecker. One of these days I get will the home-wrecker. I say hello and Vic and I hug. I alway hug a little extra cause this just pisses the hw off to no end. I go inside the bar and get a couple of tequilla shots and another tequilla on the rocks with a splash of lime. I am feeling pretty good and just starting to slur my words. I walk over and start talking with a friend and the HW comes up and starts talking. I realize he is wragging on me, telling me not to be hugging on Vic like I do. I listen for a second or two, down all of my drink, set the glass down and WHAM I pop the fucker right in the Mouth. WOW! OH SHIT! I have become violent just like my step-father. I was turning into that mother-fucker. It was at that moment that I realized I had a problem and needed to get my ass into treatment. How, I did not know, but today was definitely going to be the last day of my drinking. Four guys grabbed me and 5 or 6 grabbed Don (the HW) and they were really struggling to keep us apart. Even though I had my moment of clarity, I still wanted to grind that 6.5 foot bastard right into the ground. Then Vic was between us and was yelling at me and the Don started and Vic told him to shut his fucking mouth. He turned to me and asked what the hell got into me. I started to say something and the guy I was talking to told him that Don came up and verbally attacked me and that he just verbally pushed me to far and popped in the fucking mouth and he was proud of me for finally finding my balls and doing what I should have done 6 months ago. Now this guy is one of Vic's best friends. Vic grabs Don and drags him out side and they get into this huge argument. Vic told him to shut up or the money would stop. Now that really pissed me off. Damned he was keeping the asshole. It was not like that with us. Anyway, the barkeep would not let Don back into the bar. So Vic told him to take a cab and he came back in.
I'm now back out in the patio sitting at the bar with Griff, crying, drinking more tequilla and loving every moment of different people telling me they are glad I finally did it. etc. etc. etc. My club members were not, as a group, that happy with me. I had made a scene in the bar in my colors and we were the host club. I apologized and then Griff and I had some more drinks. It must be 5 or so cause it is dark and Vic comes over and said he was sorry it had come to that but just to stay away from Don. He hugged me and I told him I know I had a problem and I was going to do something about. He just shrugged it off to having a bit too much to drink and Don. He left, Griff gave me another drink and then I was on my ass looking up at everyone looking down at me and a couple of my club members picking me back up and putting me back on my barstool. Talk about imcomprehisive demoralization. I cried some more and had a couple of drinks more and it was time to go. Again, I was releived of my keys and we went over to a couple of my Tom and BVK's house. Greg was driving me again.
We got to the house and they poured me into the house. I just wanted something to drink. Maybe a glass of wine. My hosts said I had had too much. (ya think). So I had something. I came too about 11 PM and Greg and Tom and I talked. I don't remember much about that except I told them I had come to the conclusion that I drank too much and needed help. Greg told me he only had said something about my drinking because of my meds. And then I cried some more. Not just tear, but sobbing like someone had died. They put me to couch and I woke up about noon the next day. Man I was sick. My body throbbed right in step with my head. I had a couple of glasses of very cold orange juice and right up it came. About 1 I left for home. It took me about 3 hours to make a two hour drive. I left a trail of vomit from Glendale to Running Springs. Some in my car, a lot on the side of the road. As I climbed the Mountain the cold air was so soothing. I pulled the car into the garage, closed the door and scooped up a hand of snow and just ate it. IT WAS WHITE.
I fix a 24 oz glass of diet coke and took a pitcher of cold water to my bedroom. I laid down and the room was spinning like a 45 rpm record. My head was pounding, my heart was pounding like it was coming through my chest. Man I was miserable. I threw up several more times that night. I decided that I needed to call AA and find a meeting tomorrow. Today was January 20 1992. The first day of my life since the age of 18 that I did not put any alcohol into my boddy. Detox had begun. Since that day, alcohol hass not crossed my lips.
Today is Tuesday, Jan 21, 1992. I am dying. I hurt so bad all over. My head is exploding. My body is throbbing, my heart is about to pound itself out of my body. I am still vomiting. I keep myself hydrated and as soon as I drink the water, up it comes. By late afternoon the body is starting to hurt less. I finally stop vomiting. Around six I boild some potatoes and have them with butter, salt, and pepper and more water. I am starting to rejoin the human race. I go to bed right after eating and sleep the night through, getting up only to pee.
It is Wednesday, Jan 22, 1992 About 2 PM I call the AA Central Office in San Bernardino, tell them where I live and ask for a meeting on the mountain if possible. Luckily there was one just two miles from home. I had made up my mind that I would drive wherever I needed to but it was close to home. I inquired if I could just audit the meeting and she said that of course, all I needed was a desire to stop drinking or think that I might have a drinking problem. Now that was comforting, I had an out if I so Chose to use it. I drove over to the Mountain Club on Hwy 18 about 7:30 PM and sat in my car. About 10 min to eight this guy in a Howdy Doody outfit walked by and I asked him if this was AA. He said yes and invited me to walk in with him. By the light I could tell he was around 50 but I was about to laugh at the outfit he had on. If he had had a cap pistol with the outfit I think I would just died. But I kept my cool, as far as I was concerned this was an EMS person and he was helping me in to get well. I sat down, was offered coffee and got up and got it with cookies. The meeting started. We prayed. Chapter 5 was read. They clapped. Chapter three was read. WOW!! They clapped. The traditions were read. They clapped. I identified with tradition three. I also strongly identified with chapter three. Then they asked for newcomers as their first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I raised my hand and was asked to stand, state my name, and identify. I said my name is Zane and I'm an alcoholic. I had this feeling come over me that I had experienced few times in my life. It was like when I was baptized. I told my story that I just shared with y'all and they clapped. I thought I was a hit, being a showgirl, and I thought I have found IT. I listened to everyword that was said that night. At break several of them came and welcomed me. I got phone numbers. I got a meeting scheduled. I called work again that thursday morn and told them I was still sick and would not be until Monday. I wnt to a noon meeting. The same thing except I did not tell my story. Keep coming back. I went to an 8 oclock meeting in Lake Arrowhead, 15 miles from home. I found all of the meeting on the mountain in the next 5 days. And I have been coming back ever since. I did what was suggested. I got a sponsor. I more that 90 in 90. The hardest time for me was between leaving work and meeting time. I drank lots of tea, coffe, or cranberry juice. Hovering at 30 days I called my two neighbors over and had them witness me pouring the contents of my open bottles down the drain. I gave them several bottles of you name it, they got it. I had several wines, they got it. I laughed when they asked maybee some one at the meetings might appreciate some. They realized what they had said and they laughed. Everyone I knew was happy for me. But not as happy as I was.
My journey started with one day. Today I celebrate 5,804. ''
Today I am grateful for:
My higher power: God.
My sobriety.
Dolly, my Schnauzer
My Sponsor.
My friends Daave and Scott and Luke and...and...and..
A life that I can remember on a daily basis
Surviving what I now know was alcoholic poisoning
Day 1 of my 17th year.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


dAAve said...

Happy Birthday ZANE!!!
I'm glad you haven't shut the door on the past and thanks for sharing it with us.

Scott W said...

Congratulations Zane!! Happy Birthday!!! 17 is a good start!

Pam said...

Happy Happy Birthday sweet ZANE!
I am so happy we share the same birthday number for a while.
I'm so glad that you have been blogging again.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Happy Bday!