Tuesday, January 15, 2008

You can know yourself to be generous, but unless you do something which displays generosity, you have nothing but a concept. You can know yourself to be kind, but unless you do someone a kindness, you have nothing but an idea about yourself. Page 22, Meditations from Conversations with God. January 15.

Gooooooood Mooooooooorrrrning AAAAAAAALKIES.

Today has been a very good day. I went to the movies to see "The Kite Runner." very good movie. Again, I felt a lump in my throat (it was not a popcorn cornel).The other day when I was discussing the lowering of my psych meds I did not mention that I also was down 40 mg in my blood pressure medication. Progress, not perfection, not to mention as the dosage goes down, I am obviously getting better, not well, but better and the expense goes down. Another gift of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am more responsible in taking care of myself.The fact that I am teetering at 320 lbs, not withstanding. That will change for the better in time. Now on to the recap of the last seven days of my alcoholic self abuse.

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It is Tuesday, January 14 and another hangover. It snowed again last night. Hell it always snows up here in North Hell. Out comes the bag of cat litter and onto the snow and ice cover on the 39 steps. Now to get back down with out falling and butt skiing into the side of the house AGAIN. That's happened a few times, thank God for cat litter. Completed the 3 s's, climbed up to the Jeep and off to work I go. Head hanging out the window, drinking a margarita and hanging my head out the window on the way down the mountain. It's 18 degrees up here this AM. Three miles down the mountain I'm below the snow line and almost finished with the margarita. Head pounding, somache upset, and blurry eyed I descend the mountain. It's 45 or so at the base in San Bernardino. I stop, get an ice coffee and a couple of apple fritters and head for Riverside. I am really not in good shape this AM. Feel like barfing, but don't one more time. Today is the longest day on record. I am trotting between my desk and the bathroom. Luckily I do not get them confused. Lunch comes and I go to a Mexican restaurant for enchiladas and two margaritas. Took some extra time for lunch. Got another ice coffee to take back to the office with me. Damned I hate this job. (This job is a Customer Service Rep tracking installation of computer systems within Riverside and San Bernardino Counties) I am in a bull pen. No private office. Did I say I hate this job, I hate my boss, I hate most of my coworkers and expecially this one blonde German bitch that is my bosses secretary. I was in my bosses office and the conversation came to Brunhilda and I made the comment that I thought she was rather Crass. My boss laughed and said you call her Crass, wasn't it last week you called her a bitch to her face. OOOOOPS. The day finally ended and I only had one more day to work that week and it was actually a little over a half day as I had my weekly therapist appointment in Beverly Hills 95 miles from Riverside. I am just in my first year of therapy after having a mental breakdown in May of 1991. That was triggered by my partner of 10 years and 27 days when he called me at work on May 1, at 11:45 AM and broke up with me. 17 days later I checked myself into a mental hospital throught my psychiatrist and therapist. These two men guided me through the next 12 years of my life. But I did not know that yet.(Before the mental breakdown I was a Human Resources Area Administrator for 5 branch offices with 1500 employees. I had a private office and I loved my job. I was very pround of myself for acheiving this position although I only had a high school education) After being hospitalizedas either in patient or partiial hospitalization for 5-1'2 months i finally went back to work. But my position was gone. They gave it to someone else about 3 weeks before I came back. So I did not have a position for the next two months. Then I was transferred to Riverside which was close to where I exiled myself. I was in so much pain that I could hardly think of more thatn go to work, get off work, get stinking drunk, repeat. Anyway my week was going to be short because I was going to San Diego for the Anniversary and Installation of Officers for the CCMC Motorcycle Club down there. My m/c club was their brother club and it was to be a 4 day bash. Always good booze, sex, and whatever else you wanted to do. I did not do drugs, that is not part of my story, but I made up for it in my drinking. WAHOO. Come on Thursday. Made it home from work, a few scotches and then some taquillas with a drop or two of margarita mix for flavor, wine with dinner, then more taquilla, probably minus the margarita mix. Woke up in a pool of vomit in the kitchen (I did not notice this until the next Am which brought on another case of upchucking but outside in the snow as i spread more cat litter on antoher foot of snow) But that is for tomorrow. So I stager upstairs to bed, head pounding and the room went round and round and the clocked ticked on.

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Today I am grateful for:

My higher power

My sobriety

Dolly, my Schnauzer

That I ambeing returned to better mental health

That I no longer have to shovel snow

That the pain I knew in 1991 and 1992 is 90% memory

That my friends know who I am and where I have been and where I am now

That my needs are met

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.