Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Eye of a Needle and Rosalie.

February 10 - Your perception of ultimate reality is more limited than you thought, and TRUTH is more unlimited than you can imagine. Meditations from "Conversations with God - Book" pg 197
Hey, you bunch of alkies, how the hell are you? I had a very good day this day, I lived through it and I am Sober. Got a call from my retinologist that my eye has edemic swelling and she's having me do my eye meds 4 time rather than 3 times daily. My next appointment is March 3. Her plans for me over the following month include but are not limited to injections into the eye to reduce the edema and two different types of laser treatment. OMG needle in the eye. OUCH. I may pack a bag and runaway to? To? Oh, hell I don't know I just do not cotton up to the idea of a needle to my eye. Maybe it's an idle threat to make my eye to make a positive turn for the best. It's just one more thingy to worry about, and you know what the big book says about worry - most of the things we worry about never happen. Maybe I'll just fret. Maybe - I'll turn it over to God and strive to remember that it's in his time not mine. A needle in my eye. Sheesh. Never have I had anything really wake me to the seriousness of my situation. The fear, I mean FEAR Do you Hear ME - Fear, FUCKING FEAR. I am going to have to stay closer to God than I ever have before now. I mean close. I pray every day at least twice, say many Thank yous throughout the day. This has really knocked me for a loop - so far I am still on my feet. I'm sure I am just like a wet noodle and HE is propping me up and giving me strength. Giving me guidance. Helping me to find my courage to go forward. Right now as I keyed in courage - I heard Bob S. say Courage Camille. I heard Joe's Mother say Chins Up. I heard my Mother say you'll get through this, you always have and you always do. I may not be eating, breathing, or blasting out in fear, but it is there. I am just thankful to God and AA to have given me the tools to get through this - Just One Day at a Time. Oh Shit. OUCH! I know I'm not alone. Try as I might I just cannot express the DRAMA I am feeling, but this is the closest I can come to it. Thank you GOD.
Rosalie and I talked for awhile today. Sam is not home Thursday night so she wants me to come over Thursday so we can just be together, hang out, talk, and watch the season opener of Survivor. So I'm going, we have a lot of talking to do, I'm not worried about an ass chewing now. She was very sweet and me back. We have both hurt each other, I am not innocent. We will talk and get through this. IN fact I think we have gotten through it, we just need to tuck in the rough edges. That's not a big order. (OMG - a needle in my eye) Yeah I really need my Big Sister (she 105 lbs and 5.0 feet tall and will be 77 on Friday).
Anyway I am sober. I will stay sober. I will die sober and in God's time. I will not drink no matter what (NMW - thanks Steveroni).
Tonight I am grateful for:
  • God my Higher Power
  • My Sobriety
  • Mamie my OCD schnauzer
  • My Sponsor (having his own major health probs and is a fine example for me at this time)
  • My Right Eye
  • Lack of runaway fear.
  • Bill Maher
  • Humor and still able to enjoy giving and receiving it.
  • Miracle of modern medicine.
  • All y'all

Y'all be pretty now ya heah.


steveroni said...

Yeah, it's me, Steve E., Zane. I'm writing to tell you in September I had several times needles in both eyes (not at the same time).

The staff there will see to it that you feel NOTHING--believe me...NOTHING. If you're lucky they might even shoot you with a little 'joyful juice' (to calm the nerves!).

But I'll pray for you FOR SURE, and Zane, do you know what I ALWAYS do when I'm going through procedures? Whether it's chemo, radiation, or needles stuck up my you-know-what (NOT my ass!), I ALWAYS say to the doctor, "I prayed for you, that God will give you the power to do a good job on me. And I trust you, doctor. I am in YOUR hands now."

J-Online said...

I am so happy things are back in the right direction with Rosalie.

A needle in the eye does sound scary but look at all you've been through thus far and you've come out ahead. This is just a little bump in the road. I am positive God and our little Angels will be watching over you and you have friends that will be there for you in a heartbeat. Stay close to God. you are in my prayers. Much Love, Jenn

Scott W said...

If fear would only behave itself! It sure has a lot of nerve!

Syd said...

I understand the fear. I also think that the fears that I imagine are never as great in reality. I hope that all works out well with your eye. Take it easy my friend.

dAAve said...

I can certainly understand the fear. I'd be the same. Thank God you have a program and friends to help you through this.

Prayer Girl said...

I guess you won't see this till you return on the 16th, but I want you to know I'll be praying that God will lessen your fears and will bless your visit with Rosalie.

Even in your post filled with fearful things, there was still lots of humor. You're a pretty amazing guy.

AND - Thank God for modern medicine. All will be well.