Saturday Night, May 31, 2008

It is your first nature to be unconditionally loving. It is your second nature to choose to express your first nature, your true nature, consciously. May 31, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1 page 78

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Just being a BITCH!

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Tonight was birthday night at Lambda Center. 26 celebrants with 396 years. Yahoo. There were about 5 no shows, but for the most part the night went pretty well. Sadly, there were no one year celebrants. We celebrated birthdays from 2 years to 26 years. Tonight there were only 2 sort of long winded people but another person with 18 years started out by saying I hope I can help someone with my story. And that is what he meant. His Story. After he talked about how many times he had been published I sort of tuned out. After more than fifteen minutes of self back patting he finished. I know I'm taking his inventory about this, but damned it, birthday night is not a speaker meeting. I wanted to give him the hook. Many people with more than 20 years left the room along with half the rest of the room. I was embarrassed for the man and yet aggravated with his self will run riot. In my 16 years of sobriety I have never witnessed anyone going this long and never anyone to tell their story. Oh hell, got that off my chest.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer.

My Sponsor.

My friend Rick took a 13 year chip tonight.

Talking about and not holding a resentment tonight. Will have to pray about this.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday Night May 30, 2008

Today at the 12:15 meeting at Lambda we had another newcomer so we had a step one meeting for the second day in a row. (I read about the meeting yesterday but was present for the one today.) I always enjoy these 1st step meetings as I like to hear about what brought people to their moment of clarity. This gives me a better understanding of each individual and I always learn something new plus hear a lot of my own stuff without opening my mouth. Today one of the attendees stated that they loved the fact that they no longer had to make up excuses for being late to work nor have to keep track of the lies so as not to get caught. He also stated that he had run out of things to lie about so he got sober at the right time. Man did I identify with those two statements. Most of you know about one of my big lies to my employer for being late.

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I decided at today's nooner that I was going to list some of my "excuses". And not only did I just tell this excuse to my boss, it was my duty to elaborate to each and every person I worked with. And as I told the lie, it always grew and I told how I felt and just really added as much drama as I possibly could.

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As I was pulling out of my subterranean parking into the street, a person from the building across the street pulled out and we had a head on collision in the middle of the street. Both cars were towed.

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I went out on a 6 AM motorcycle ride and hit an oil slick in the middle of the road and dropped my bike. I hit my head and although I always wear a helmet, it was like suddenly getting hit in the head before I realized what had happened. Now this actually had happened, but not at the time and place I used for the excuse. Oh yeah, I was calling from the emergency room and did not know how long it would be before I was seen.

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I spent the night in the emergency room with my Mother and was just wiped out, and would be in later. Sometimes I had to return to the emergency room with her. Now my mother lived with me and this did actually happen several times so I used it to my advantage.

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On one job I went on a week long bender and never called in and while I was on this toot, I decided to just screw the job. Well I rethought this the following Monday morning. So I went into work as if nothing happened and went into the store manager's office to thank him for being so understanding about the sudden illness and subsequent death of my father. When he looked at me and said he was firing me because of no word from me, I got choked up and told him well I had to leave last Sunday and I did not have your home phone so I asked my roommate to call and advise you. Never got the call. Saved my job at that time but lost it about a year later. This was 1965 and my father really died in 1983.

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I could go on and on with this, but you get the point. Now why I had to tell such elaborate, detailed lies, is probably to get attention and for them to feel so bad for me that they just "could not fire me" at that time. So I really identified with the person saying the lies for being late or not being there just ran out. I did this from 1960 until Jan 1992. That part of me ceased to exist when I got sober. I no longer needed to lie about absenteeism nor lateness. I made it to work. And using the principle of honesty, I just plod along, learning and listening as I go. And by doing that, I get to stay sober, one day at a time. It just keeps getting better. SOBRIETY ROCKS!

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Tonight I Grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer.

My sponsor.

Truth has replaced deception.

Continual work on my character defects.

Progress not perfection.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, May 29, 2008

Every one of My messengers has been defiled. Far from gaining glory, they have gained nothing but heartache. Are you Willing? Does your heart ache to tell the truth about Me. May 29, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 145

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Twelve Step transformation: From under the table to willing and able. Rick N. God Grant Me the Laughter.

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Howdy y'all. Today is the 22nd anniversary of my Mother's death. And the days are falling just as they did then. I do not find this a sad time. I basically have no feelings about this one way or the other. I used to, and then I had a breakdown in 1991, went into extensive therapy, and then was glad she was gone. However, that feeling has been replaced with forgiveness for what she allowed to happen to me and the fact that she was not Saint Mother as I thought she was when she was alive. It was very painful to remove her from the pedestal where I had placed her. That time was filled with a lot of pain and joy. I do not regret going through that stuff, it was a part of what I had to deal with to get to the point of realizing I was an alcoholic. My breakdown was May 17, 1991 and my sobriety date is January 20, 1992.

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You know when I sign on at night, I am not sure what I will write about. It just comes to me and I just let the fingers fly across the Ouija Board or rather the keyboard. Sometimes I am just amazed at what comes out in print. I know that it is God, my Higher Power, helping me along. He has always been with me and I have always recognized that fact. I mean if he had not how could I have driven so drunk I could hardly see the end of my nose without killing or injuring someone. Today I do not have to worry about that. I do not have to wake up in a pool of my own vomit, or wake up with a bucket of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy spread all over me and the bed. It happened. ICK. Now I do not know, well I started to say I do not know why I bought a bucket of chicken, but then I was blitzed and don't know why I did a lot of things.

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I don't know why I woke up in a cow pasture with barbed wire and fence posts hanging form my Mothers Oldsmobile. I don't know why I came out of a black out in a parking lot having sex on the trunk of my car in a Gulf Oil Station on the Southwest Freeway with all the lights on. Was I surprised at how ughly my trick was. ICK. I could go on and on, but you get the drift. I was a mess.

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Today, I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous with 16.5 years of sobriety under my belt. I suit up and show up. I am of service. I am not perfect but I am a work under progress and I am very happy with that. Why? The progress is always forward and positive. There are bumpy times, there are smooth times, and then there are just times. But they are all sober times and it just don't get much better than that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My Sobriety

Mamie my miniature schnauzer.

My sponsor.

ALL of my wonderful friends in and out of AA.

The wonder of living one day at a time.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday Evening, May 28

Every heart has it's secret sorrows which the world knows not; Often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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You have come here to work out an individual plan for your own salvation. Yet Salvation does not mean saving yourself from the snares of the devil. There is no such thing as the devil, and hell does not exist. You are saving yourself from the oblivion of non-realization. Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 51

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Hi, my friends. My internet problem has been fixed. However, that is not why I have not posted since last Wednesday. My last few days have been mostly for Joe. The last week has been incredibly looooonnnnnng. Karl's services were on Monday night with a Wake service at which I read the poem "On Friendship" which was on my last post. Then the funeral mass was at 10 AM yesterday. I have mostly made myself available to Joe for his needs - driving, and a strong shoulder to lean on. He has been remarkably well. He did completely break down in the car on the way to the cemetery. It was just the two of us, and I am so glad he finally just let go. Following the burial we all went to Joe's sister's house in the Heights for lunch. That last until 4 PM when I got Joe home and picked up my car and headed home. As I said the week was long and I was just exhausted. I got home about 5 PM, had a baked potato for dinner, took a 2 hr nap and then read the 30 minute Houston Chronicle. I was in bed at 10 Pm and woke up at 11.57 AM this morning. Well rested.

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Today I went to a movie and saw the new Indiana Jones film. I found it funny and was just about the only one laughing. I would call it more of an adventurous sci-fi movie. Of course, after the last week, I probably would have laughed at paint drying.

I did make two meetings last week and a very very good speaker meeting on Saturday night. NOTHING gets in the way of my sobriety. I need meetings in times of crises and Thursday and Saturday nights just hit the right spot. However, if I had been unable to make a meeting, I still have willingness to accept that and know that alcohol is NEVER the answer to my problems. But, the two meetings certainly did rejuvenate batteries.

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Thanks to all of you for your comments and now it is time to move on and continue to live a sober life to the fullest.

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Today I am Grateful for:

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God, my higher power that walked me through the last week.

My sobriety.

Mamie, my miniature schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly. (1 month today).

My sponsor.

Witnessing the strength of Joe's faith.

Being there for my friend.

Continued trudging one day at a time and seeing many sets of footprints in the road of Happy Destiny.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world know not;
Often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Good Morning, my friends. I have had internet problems for the past few days and have been absent from cyperspace. It seems to be working this morning.

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As you all know, I have been writing quite a bit about my friends Joe and Karl and have spent quite a bit of time with them the past few weeks. I was by there yesterday for about an hour. Karl's breathing was heavy and he was just out of it. Totally unaware of anything.

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At 10:45 last night the phone rang and it was Joe. Karl had crossed over at 9:30 PM. I feel joy that my friend is no longer suffering. I feel joy that Joe is no longer having to go through the pain on a daily basis of seeing his partner of 29.5 years suffering. It has been a quick 13 months since the diagnosis.

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This is a poem, my favorite, that I have had for over 40 years. I shared it about a year ago. I want to share it again, except I am dedicating it to Karl.

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ON FRIENDSHIP

The sun rises,

Bringing to a darkened world, Light.

As she traverses the heavens,

She warms the earth,

Gives the Corn strength to grow

And lights our way.

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Then comes the hour when she must set;

Vanish from our sight.

Yet long after the darkness,

Because of her absence

The ground remains warm beneath our feet,

The corn continues to grow and flourish.

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And, so it is----with friends.

They come into our lives;

Lighting our way with understanding;

Give us food for growth by encouraging us

And warm our hearts with kindnesses.

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Yet like the sun,

Friends, too must part.

However, neither miles

Nor time can dim nor cancel

What has transpire between me and thee.

When we sit alone with our thoughts,

The pleasant recall of our moments past

Will continue to warm the spirit,

Give courage to the heart,

And restful comfort to the mind.

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Sunset time is with us now...

So I say not good-bye, Dear Karl.....

Till the next sunrise.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my schnauzer

Memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor.

That Karl Dutt is at peace

The incredible strength I have seen in Joe Cooney

The unconditional love and support from the Cooney and Dutt families.

Being able to be there for my friends.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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May 21 The work of the soul is to wake yourself up. The work of God is to wake everybody else up. Meditations from Conversation with God Book 1 page 142

Sunday Night, May 18, 2008

We dare not solve all the problems, or there will be nothing left for us to do. May 18 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1

I was with Joe and Karl from 3 PM today until 10:30 tonight. Karl was out the entire time I was there. That is a blessing. Joe was talking about the gift of life, things in life, and that death is a gift. I had never looked at it that way, but now that he said it, I can believe that.

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At the 10 AM meeting on Friday, I was talking about Joe and Karl and the effect that the situation was having on me. As I was the leader of the meeting I chose the topic of the Promises and how they were in each of our lives at this time. I stated how I thought the Promises were helping me in this situation. I really liked what I heard from my true peer group. This is my favorite meeting. These guys are in my age group with Daave being the youngest and Bob S. being the oldest at 83. My sponsor stated it was good for me to be there to walk through this with Joe and Karl, but it was their problem, and I should accept it as such and be there to support them, but not to wear it as if it were my own. Now this made perfect sense to me. And that is pretty much what I heard from the rest of the group. Of course the Promises were also talked about. But I am so thankful that these guys took the time to lovingly tell me what my job was as a friend. And they were right.

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My new air conditioner is to be installed tomorrow afternoon. I am so thankful that temperature wise, the weekend was not bad. The nights were cool so I slept well with the ceiling fans on frantic.

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Tonight I am grateful for my sobriety and all of the gifts that have come to me as a result of living a sober life. It just does not get any better than that.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday Night, May 16, 2008

Well if God can't inspire you, who in hell can? May 16 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1 page 88
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Friday. friday. FRIDAY. Friday. The day the new movies come out. Just another day to this ole retiree. But, I sure remember the former importance of Friday to me. Now, it is another day of the week to mark off the calendar before I get my Social Security check on the 2nd Wednesday of each month. So called Hump day is now more important than Friday? It's all in the perspective of the individual.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my Schnauzer

Memories of Dolly

My Sponsor

More than one way to look at most things.

Today's 10 AM meeting.

Today's 12:15 PM meeting.

Fellowship at Luby's

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, May 15, 2008

Listen to me in the truth of your soul. Listen to me in the feelings of your heart. Listen to me in the quiet of your mind. May 15 Meditations from Conversations with God book 1, page 220
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Hi guys. Spent 6 hours at Joe and Karl's today. When I got there Joe's brother met me at the door, squeezed my arm and said, "Thanks." Karl now needs round the clock care. So far, Sunday is the earliest a home health nurse is available so we are kind of taking shifts. The nurse told Joe today, that the end is very near. Joe is okay with this, he knows it is best for Karl. And of course his faith is carrying him through this. Karl hardly knew who I was today, but came around about two hours later. He is now on Thorazine for the nausea and vomiting blood. I did not understand how a psychotic drug could be good for this so I looked it up in the PRN. Sure nuff, it is used for this in terminal patients.

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The way Joe and Karl are handling this is a lesson to me. I see the love they have shared for 29.5 eyars bolstering both of them. I see their faith carrying them through this. I see the peace that Karl has and the total lack of fear for the next part of his journey. I remember, as the caretake of my mother, the strength that I seemed to just have was there. I also remember that she did not have fear of death. I just hope that when I get to that point that I can have the same peace that I have witnessed in these two people. I think that I will, I have a strong faith although I am not part of any church, but am protestant. I also know that the spirituality I now have will sustain me. God, I am so grateful to be sober and can be there for my friends. I was in my disease when my mother died, but I was able to be there for her. I know it was God given strength.

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Tonight when I got home, the AC was not running. So I went to turn it on and it was on. The last few nights it has gotten down to 66 and I have it set on 72. So in the morning, I will be on the phone to get that fixed. It is 17 years old, so it may need to be replaced. We will see. Oh, and my neighbor did not show today, but then I left at 3 PM and his truck was not there, so he probably was working. He did tell me that if the weather was better he would work today. Well, at least tonight is not really hot. I have the ceiling fan in my bedroom on frantic so I hope I will be comfortable. If not, I will just have to say the serenity prayer a couple of hundred times. Yeah that's the ticket.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my higher power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly.

My sponsor.

My health.

My spirituality and faith.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

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Wednesday Night, May 14

Do you want your life to truly take off? Then change your idea about it. About you. Think, speak and act as the God you are. May 14 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 76

Hey Aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllkiesssss,

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How the hell are ya. Great day today. I saw evidence of rain when I got up at my usual time, but did not actually see any. My electrical problem is still with me. I was hoping that during the night that the electrical elves would kidnap the problem and it would be over with. Well, maybe tonight the lucid leprechauns will................. Hey it could happen. I went to see "What Happens in Las Vegas." So so. I got some good laughs out of it even if the story was totally predictable even down to the dialogue. I took yesterday's mailbox purchase back to home depot and got one that will fit on, not over a 4 x 6 post. The new box is RED, my fave. It required some minor assembly. Got some of it done and wrestled with the flag assembly for an hour and lost a part. GEEEEZ. it was supposed to be so simple. I will finish it tomorrow. Or not.

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I took Mamie for her two block walk tonight and met one of my neighbors about three houses down from me. The man is probably 55 or 60 and was teaching a high school kid how to clean the carpet in a car. We got to talking and Jewett is a contractor and does some electrical. I told him about my electrical problem and he will look at it tomorrow about 1 PM. So we shall see.

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Tonight I am grateful for;

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God, my Higher Power.

My sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer, not at all like Dolly.

Memories of Dolly. (I do miss her so much. Cried a few tears today)

My Sponsor.

The beauty of today's posts on the blogosphere.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, May 13, 2008

Love is the ultimate reality. It is the only. The All. The feeling of love is your experience of God. May 13, Meditations from Conversations with God, Book 1 page 56

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Hey AAAAAAAAAAAAllllllllllkkkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeessssssssss.

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How the hell are ya. Great day today. It was another sober one. Those are always great days, although some of the stuff that happens in that day might change the feelings of the day, if it is a sober day, it's a day in God's grace. I have to remember that when the day is not of my liking or if I am in a depression. Some days it is harder than others, I just have to remain focused.

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Today was a day that just worked my last nerve. I had electrical problems. I had computer problems. I had internet problems. At the end of the day only the electrical problem is still there. I think I know what it is, just not sure. Of course I have no background in electrical problems, but by a process of elimination I have concluded that the problem is in my ceiling fan in the living room. Or NOT.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My sobriety.

Mamie, My Schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor.

Joe told me Karl had a good day today.

The infinite things for which to be grateful.

My friends, in and out of AA.

The miracle of life on life's terms.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday Night, May 12, 2008

Each circumstance is a gift, and in each experience is a hidden message. May 12 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 33

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Heeeyyyyy AAAAAAAaaaaaalkies,
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What a great weekend! Saturday evening I had dinner with Rick and Daave before we went to Lambda for the speaker meeting. A very good speaker with a hell of a story for one so young. But one's experience is just that, never mind the age. Following the speaker meeting was the fundraiser "Mr. & Miss Lambda" contest. And honey, I'm here to tell you those drag queens and the one drag king put on one hell of a show. Not a stinker in the bunch. They were all quite good and just worked their tushes across that stage and down that runway and into the crowd and back to the stage. There were several straight people that came and they seemed to really enjoy it including a group from the Heights with "L".

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Yesterday I was over at Joe and Karl's. Karl had had a pretty good day, went for a walk with a walker and even ate a few bits. He was in pretty good spirits and I reveled in witnessing that. We did not have to cook yesterday as Joe's niece had sent over a homemade chicken pot pie. It was so thick, a slice sat on the plate without oozing juice. It was wonderful. I go home about 10, played with Mamie for awhile and went to bed by 11 intending to read but dozed off. I turned the lights out at 2 AM and back to slumber land I went only to wake up at at 12:17 Noon or PM as I have been advised by SW. Another sober weekend is now behind me.

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Today was also a good day. Sometime around Saturday I guess my depression lifted and I just realized it today. Love it when it happens that way. I went to a movie today for the $5 senior citizen day at Tinsletown. Saw Iron Man. It was quite good - funny, entertaining, serious, and well done. It just kept on going and never a dull moment. I can't wait for the sequel.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety

Mamie, my schnauzer(She is a hand full)

Memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor

The message from the Saturday night speaker.

That someone stepped up for the membership elect position on the Lambda Board.

The amazing strength I get as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Friday Night, May 9, 2008

Do not condemn, therefore, all that you would call bad in the world. Rather, ask yourself, what about this have you judged bad, and what, if anything, you wish to do to change it. May 9

Meditations from Conversation with God Book 1 page 32

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Hi y'all. I just love it when Scott W. and I use the same quotes in our blog. We are so different, but evidently our minds do hit the same track once in a while. I'm glad we're friends and trudge the path to happy destiny on the same road.

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Today was double dip day. I did my 10 AM meeting followed by th 12:15 meeting at Lambda. Both were very good meetings. A lot of positive sharing as people shared their experience, strength, and hope. Then off to Luby's for lunch and the meeting after the meeting.

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There is a man that has been attending meetings at Lambda for the past few months. On birthday night, he took a chip for 90 days. Then the following Thursday he raised his hand as a first time ever at any AA meeting. So the meeting was on step one. Then today he took a chip for 8 years. Last week I was on the verge of exposing him but thought better of it. But I have taken notice of him at meetings last Friday and Saturday. Then today I also noticed he talks to himself. I might have mentioned last week that I thought he was not quite right. It is apparent he has mental problems. God Bless him. But today I saw pure joy in this man's face as he took the chip and I thought he is doing the best he can and if that is how he finds joy, more power to him. He probably has noticed that chip = hugs and loving attention. Remember love and tolerance is our code.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power

My Sobriety

Mamie, my Schnauzer

Memories of Dolly

My sponsor

Compassion for those less fortunate than I

A good visit today with Karl

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, May 8 2008

You can't go wrong. It's not part of the plan. There's no way not to get where you are going. There's no way to miss your destination. If God is your target, you're in luck, because God is so big, you can't miss. May 8 Meditations from Conversations with God page 88

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Today has been a better day as far as depression goes. It's there but not near as bad. So, I'm pleased that it's progress. I'm okay with that.

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May the 8th. Today was Karl's 60th Birthday. Joe had a small gathering, Joe's sister Sheila and her Mr. - Art, Katherine a friend, and Ed & Eddie and myself. It was about 3 PM and Karl had a very small piece of cake and enjoyed the moment. He had a smile and shed a couple of tears. It was kept on the up side with no mention that this was probably his last birthday. Now if I come away from this experience with nothing else, my friend is showing me how to die an ugly death with dignity and peace. The dignity is taking one day as it is presented. Peace is that which comes from his Catholic faith, which he has reembraced. The fact that Father Carl is a personal friend of his and Joe's is an added blessing.

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On a different note. Today is the 52nd anniversary of my Mother taking a gun out of my hand and shooting my stepfather 5 times. The sixth bullet was buried in the wall in a corner of the bedroom. It was a horrific night. When I tell my story I state that my step-father died of acute lead poisoning as a result of receiving 5 38 slugs that my Mother shot at him. Tonight I would really have liked to have driven out to Channelview to the old place just to see if his ghost roamed the spot where he fell dead. But, I decided what would I get out of it. Not a fucking thing. Now this man was very abusive to me, physically, mentally and sexually. When I decided to forgive him at 7 years of sobriety my friend Joe and I drove out to the San Jacinto Memorial.Cemetery in Cloverleaf. I found the grave and Joe said he would give me privacy, and started to walk awy. About 10 - 15 feet away, he turned and said to me "Now Zane, don't piss on the grave." That had not crossed my mind but when he said that my hand just went right to the zipper. NOT. I told my stepfather off and told him I realized that his actions were done mostly under the influence of alcohol, but that he was just a mean person. But in order for me to progress in my sobriety I had to forgive him, probably would not forget it, but forgave him. As we left the cemetary, I told Joe that the peace I felt was enormous. But deep down, I wish I had pissed on the grave and then forgiven him. Wicked.

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Mamie and I have had a good week and one day together. She just continues to amaze me with the things she does. Today she has been especially loving and of course I revel in that. She loves to play Tug O War with her bear, the rabbit, or the soccer ball with two ears. She really gives this ole man a workout. Just wears me out. And she just is a little snuggler. I like that.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

Memories of my Dolly.

My Sponsor.

Tomorrow is double dip day - two meetings.

Karl's 60th Birthday.

A special thank you from Joe's sister, Sheila today.

For my blogger friends.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah

Wednesday Night, May 7 2007

Some people don't like to be awakened. Most do not. Most would rather sleep. April 7, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 191

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Hi all you alkies and others, too. Still not up to par, but not as deep a depression as last night. Sometimes when I go into a deep depression it is like I am not in my body. It is like I am out of body up in the top of the ceiling, a corner, or the like. I am looking down observing what happens to me as it happens but not really being connected. I hate when it is like that. Last night was one of those. I am back in myself today. My psychiatrists say that is because the pain is so deep I am trying to get away from it and not to worry. To me, I sound like I am nuts. Sort of loopdy doop. That was what made me realize that the feelings of last night were not just the sadness of losing Dolly. It's just part of the on-going battle I have with depression. Sometimes I don't think I ever really come out of it, I am just sort of on an upswing kind of like a tilt-a-whirl. Enough of that.

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I had a very enjoyable dream the other night. I was motorcycling again. I was just on the road with my hair blowing in the breeze and just loving it. (I never rode without a helmet and when I started I did have long hair.) Anyway I'm just tooling around and really covering some ground and then I see me club members and pull over to see them. I got off my bike and climbed down the stairs down from the bike. It seems that I had jacked up the motorcycle like some pickups and suv's have been done. My friends were just have a fit over it. COOL. I was BMOH.(big man on highway) I was telling them how to do it and it was agreed that the following day we do all of the bikes like mine. The thing about the group I was with is that all of them were club members that died of AIDs from 1985 - 1996. After I woke up and went through the dream, I realized this and now I just think it was a great visit. I have a dream book that has a segment on visits like this. Now the other strange thing about the dream is I am mechanically challenged. Big Time. So me telling them how to do it is funny. But hey, it was a dream.

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Mamie and I are doing fine. She is a challenge. I'm learning how well she is trained. I give her a command slowly and distinct, and she looks at me like what the hell are you saying. But most of the time she responds. She responds accordingly to Sit, Stay, Lay Down, Wait, and NO. The Wait I used tonight when I was walking her. As we started to cross the street, I said Wait and she stopped and looked up at me, when I said ok, she started walking with me. When she responds to a command I tell her GOOD GIRL and pet her. Tomorrow night I am going to try COOK and see what happens. Next will be Vacuum. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

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Tonight I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power

My Sobriety (damned I'd be a mess without it.)

Mamie, my schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly.

My sponsor.

My home.

Being able to be with Me.

That the deep depression does not take over for long periods of time now.

Humor.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Tuesday Night, May 6, 2008

There is a divine purpose behind everything, and therefore a divine presence in everything. Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page60

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Not a good day, but it is a sober day and that is a blessing. This is probably my shortest post. Tomorrow is another day. That is a quote from Scarlett O'Hara. One of these days I won't fall into a depression, but it is here tonight and it hurts. I hate the hopelessness, the total despair, and the wish to just disappear. Not die, just disappear. If only a disappearing act could solve it, I would be gone in a heartbeat. It will pass, it always does, but it's a bitch while it is here.

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Tonite I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, My Schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Monday Night, May 5, 2008

My messages will come in a hundred forms, at a thousand moments, across a million years. You cannot miss them if you truly listen. You cannot ignore them once truly heard. May 5, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 6

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Hope everyone had a sober Cinco De Mayo. No margaritas in this house. I had the rest of the collard greens I cooked on Friday and that is definitely not Mexican. Today was Rick's 13th AA Birthday and I just thought of it. OOOOOPS. Well, I did bring it up to him on Saturday night so I'm not all bad. In fact, not at all. Forgetful, maybe, bad - hell no.

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Mamie has adapted very well to the new environment and me and to her new name. I am not adapting to her as well. I keep comparing her to Dolly and I know that is not right. I will just work on progressing out of that and into her. It will happen. She is just so precious and her coat is so beautiful. She likes to snuggle when we go to bed, differently than Dolly, but I like that she has her own special way. We will get there. I was just closer to Dolly than any pet I ever had so it will take more time. I definitely do not regret the decision to get her.

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You know my higher power, God is really looking over me at this time. With all that went down last week I have not gone into a depression. As the promises say he is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I like that. I say my prayers twice a day, and a lot of thank you, God's are thrown in through out the day. This is my AM prayer - Dear Heavenly Father, thank you keeping us safe throughout the night. Please lead, guide, and direct as I go throughout my day and help me to stay sober one more day. Thank you for all my many blessings, thank you for blessing me with Mamie, and please bless the little Mamie. Please bless my friends, family, and loved ones with health, happiness, prosperity, spirituallity, and serenity. Let thy will, be my will. For it's in Jesus's name I pray, Amen. My evening prayer is similar. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for being with me through out the day and for keeping me sober one more day. ..................Please be with us and keep us safe as we sleep and let thy will be my will..........Amen. Simple prayers. Sometimes I ask for a special prayer for someone that needs it, like lately I have asked for a special prayer for Joe and Karl. With these two prayers and the thank you's I give daily I maintain a constant contact with my higher power. And I do this because I want my sobriety to be as strong as my spiritual connection to my "Higher Power", God. Again, simple and following suggestions from the big book. KISS.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly.

Having called the vets office and thanked them for the strength from last Monday.

Having a lot of love to give to others and my new pet.

Love received back from others and my new pet.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Sunday Night, May 4, 2008

Every heart has it's secret sorrows; which the world knows not,
And often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Hey y'all, hope everyone had a good weekend. Last evening I had dinner with Rick and Daave and then we went to the Lambda Speaker meeting. The speaker did well in sharing his experience, strength, and hope. I heard what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. The plus is there were a few laughs thrown in. After the meeting I headed for home and my new doggie, Mamie.

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Mamie is a hand full, but is adjusting very well to me and I to her. She is bigger than Dolly or Shatzi, but not a lot. She is a little love. Loves to cuddle, and walk. Now I am having to walk her. She is very spry and demands it. Dolly was satisfied with running a playing the yard and I got used to that. So on Wednesday night I walked Mamie about four houses down and back. Then the next day I walked her one block down and one block back and a repeat for Friday and Saturday. Then today, I walked he two blocks down and two blocks back. Now this is good for this very out of shape old man. I need to be walking, I just need to build on it and not go crazy and wear myself out.

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And it is good for me on two fronts. One I really need the exercise. Secondly I am facing my fear of falling while walking. On July 4, 2006 I started falling while walking and I had several spills over the next few months. Turns out I had 7 small strokes. So I have been very reluctant to walk for fear of falling and no one noticing for awhile. I am overcoming this with Mamie and she is just what I need at this time. I still miss Dolly immensely, but this little two year old is demanding and I give into her. She is indeed a God Shot.

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Today I did my Sunday with Joe and Karl. I called Joe and told him I thought I would pick up some very thick pork chops and come over and fix them with a potato each, two carrots each, and an onion each. Wrap each Chop and veggies in aluminum foil and bake on a cookie sheet at 375 for 1hr 45 minutes. So we agreed on that, but Joe told me not to include Karl. He is not eating and the Dr. said not to force him. That the will eat when he wants. Today he had an ice cream sandwich. So I went to HEB Marketplace in the Woodlands and picked up the stuff for dinner and over to their house I went. This is the fifth Sunday in 6 weeks that I have cooked for them and myself. I got there about 5 PM and Joe's sister Sheila and her Mr, Art were there. It was good to see them. They left around 6 and I then got dinner on after the long preparation of 15 minutes. Karl stayed in bed and Joe and I ate about 8 PM. Karl is going down hill quickly. I know a lot of it is the continual medication, but it hurts to see him die bit by bit on a daily basis. Their priest did a mass for them at home on Tuesday and I can see a healing in both of them with the tone of their voices and the open and candid talk of what is going on. And I am thankful that I can be there for them and be the best friend that I possibly can be. I love them both.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, my Higher Power.

My Sobriety

Mamie, my schnauzer.

The fond memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor.

Friends.

My fellow trudgers and bloggers.

That today is coming to an end, and tomorrow will soon be the NOW.

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Now, y'all be pretty, ya heah.

Friday Night, May 2, 2008

Your world would not be in its present condition were you to have simply listened to your experience. The result of your not listening to your experience is that you keep reliving it, over and over again. May 2 Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 5

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I thank each and all of you who read me. I thank each and all of you who take the time to leave a comment. With one exception - Micky. That twisted sick man that turns the word of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous into a channel of his own insane agenda. I will not leave my blog open for this bastard to spew his hate and sickness. My comment moderation is on for good or until I have proof that the devil from down under ceases to exist. I do not hate this man, I just intensely dislike what he spews. I wonder how many newcomers to AA this individual has delivered back to their old way of life. This is one double digit old fart that ain't gonna let him do it. I have learned how to block this kind of crap from my life and I am taking advantage of it. Fuck Off And Die, Micky, no one will care.

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Had another wonderful day of sobriety today. I did not make my 10 AM meeting but I was there for the 12:15 meeting. It was a meeting with the topic of Step 1. It is the practice at Lambda that when a person identifies a particular meeting as his first AA meeting ever, that the topic is Step 1. I heard a lot of good things, but I did hear a lesbian state that she had finally learned to accept faggots. I find this word to be very hurtful. I also know that a good many younger gay men identify with the word faggot or queer. I still cring when I hear a gay person reffered to as either of these words. I came out at a time when these words were said with hate. They still have that sting to me. But even though I did not like the one word of the meeting, I still heard experience, strength, and hope. That's what I was there for. I have not been to an AA meeting that I did not hear that. Thank you, God.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My sobriety.

Mamie, my schnauzer.

Memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor.

Fellowship after the meeting.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.

Thursday Night, May 1 2008

We shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. The Promises
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I do not have the promises memorized not do I have a lot of the big book memorized. But I do have the gist of it ingrained in my psych and my memory.

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Today, at 11:45 AM is the 17th Anniversary of the day Vic called me at work and broke up with me. I was totally devastated. But the truth of that phone call is it set events in motion that finally freed me from the depths of my addiction to alcohol. I would probably have chosen a better way to have done it, but the point is this is how it happened. Vic never thought I had a problem with alcohol, but then he worked nights, so he missed a hell of a lot. Now I still very much love this man, but I have let go as best I can. I do not mope nor obsess over him. That was over long ago. But I have not actively sought out another relationship. He was the love of my life, and that is it. I am not closed to new relationship, as evidenced by the recent reconnection with my old friend Rick. But that ain't gonna happen either. I am basically a happy person, am pleased with my life, and have a wonderful new Doggie. At the end of the day, I get to put this old sober body to bed, say my prayers, and get a good night's sleep without regrets. It don't get better than that.

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I have renamed Muffin. I was told that if you rename a pet, the new name should have the same rhythm as the old name. So I have named her Mamie. So, it was Muf fin, and it is now Mam ie. Same rhythm. So far so good, she is responding to Mamie.

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So what started out a devastating week, has actually turned out to be a week of survival. I still have my sobriety. I have a new loving doggie. And I have the incredible support from y'all. Thanks is not enough to say, but it will have to suffice. Love you all.

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Today I am grateful for:

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God, My Higher Power.

My Sobriety.

My schnauzer, Mamie.

Memories of Dolly.

My Sponsor.

The principles of Alcoholics Anonymous that carried me forward.

The poem, Footprints. God definitely has carried me this week. That is grace.

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Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.