Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thursday Night, May 29, 2008

Every one of My messengers has been defiled. Far from gaining glory, they have gained nothing but heartache. Are you Willing? Does your heart ache to tell the truth about Me. May 29, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 145
Twelve Step transformation: From under the table to willing and able. Rick N. God Grant Me the Laughter.
Howdy y'all. Today is the 22nd anniversary of my Mother's death. And the days are falling just as they did then. I do not find this a sad time. I basically have no feelings about this one way or the other. I used to, and then I had a breakdown in 1991, went into extensive therapy, and then was glad she was gone. However, that feeling has been replaced with forgiveness for what she allowed to happen to me and the fact that she was not Saint Mother as I thought she was when she was alive. It was very painful to remove her from the pedestal where I had placed her. That time was filled with a lot of pain and joy. I do not regret going through that stuff, it was a part of what I had to deal with to get to the point of realizing I was an alcoholic. My breakdown was May 17, 1991 and my sobriety date is January 20, 1992.
You know when I sign on at night, I am not sure what I will write about. It just comes to me and I just let the fingers fly across the Ouija Board or rather the keyboard. Sometimes I am just amazed at what comes out in print. I know that it is God, my Higher Power, helping me along. He has always been with me and I have always recognized that fact. I mean if he had not how could I have driven so drunk I could hardly see the end of my nose without killing or injuring someone. Today I do not have to worry about that. I do not have to wake up in a pool of my own vomit, or wake up with a bucket of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy spread all over me and the bed. It happened. ICK. Now I do not know, well I started to say I do not know why I bought a bucket of chicken, but then I was blitzed and don't know why I did a lot of things.
I don't know why I woke up in a cow pasture with barbed wire and fence posts hanging form my Mothers Oldsmobile. I don't know why I came out of a black out in a parking lot having sex on the trunk of my car in a Gulf Oil Station on the Southwest Freeway with all the lights on. Was I surprised at how ughly my trick was. ICK. I could go on and on, but you get the drift. I was a mess.
Today, I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous with 16.5 years of sobriety under my belt. I suit up and show up. I am of service. I am not perfect but I am a work under progress and I am very happy with that. Why? The progress is always forward and positive. There are bumpy times, there are smooth times, and then there are just times. But they are all sober times and it just don't get much better than that.
Tonight I am grateful for:
God, my higher power.
My Sobriety
Mamie my miniature schnauzer.
My sponsor.
ALL of my wonderful friends in and out of AA.
The wonder of living one day at a time.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


Todd HellsKitchen said...

You can send me that bucket of chicken... Just please don't spread it all over your bed first... Have a great Friday, Zane!

Scott W said...

That would be a Chevron station today, wouldn't it? Glad you aren't waking up there anymore.

dAAve said...

What happened to the roll in the bucket of chicken?
What color was that Oldsmobile? I may remember it.