Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Wednesday Night, May 7 2007

Some people don't like to be awakened. Most do not. Most would rather sleep. April 7, Meditations from Conversations with God Book 1, page 191
Hi all you alkies and others, too. Still not up to par, but not as deep a depression as last night. Sometimes when I go into a deep depression it is like I am not in my body. It is like I am out of body up in the top of the ceiling, a corner, or the like. I am looking down observing what happens to me as it happens but not really being connected. I hate when it is like that. Last night was one of those. I am back in myself today. My psychiatrists say that is because the pain is so deep I am trying to get away from it and not to worry. To me, I sound like I am nuts. Sort of loopdy doop. That was what made me realize that the feelings of last night were not just the sadness of losing Dolly. It's just part of the on-going battle I have with depression. Sometimes I don't think I ever really come out of it, I am just sort of on an upswing kind of like a tilt-a-whirl. Enough of that.
I had a very enjoyable dream the other night. I was motorcycling again. I was just on the road with my hair blowing in the breeze and just loving it. (I never rode without a helmet and when I started I did have long hair.) Anyway I'm just tooling around and really covering some ground and then I see me club members and pull over to see them. I got off my bike and climbed down the stairs down from the bike. It seems that I had jacked up the motorcycle like some pickups and suv's have been done. My friends were just have a fit over it. COOL. I was BMOH.(big man on highway) I was telling them how to do it and it was agreed that the following day we do all of the bikes like mine. The thing about the group I was with is that all of them were club members that died of AIDs from 1985 - 1996. After I woke up and went through the dream, I realized this and now I just think it was a great visit. I have a dream book that has a segment on visits like this. Now the other strange thing about the dream is I am mechanically challenged. Big Time. So me telling them how to do it is funny. But hey, it was a dream.
Mamie and I are doing fine. She is a challenge. I'm learning how well she is trained. I give her a command slowly and distinct, and she looks at me like what the hell are you saying. But most of the time she responds. She responds accordingly to Sit, Stay, Lay Down, Wait, and NO. The Wait I used tonight when I was walking her. As we started to cross the street, I said Wait and she stopped and looked up at me, when I said ok, she started walking with me. When she responds to a command I tell her GOOD GIRL and pet her. Tomorrow night I am going to try COOK and see what happens. Next will be Vacuum. Yeah, that's gonna happen.
Tonight I am grateful for:
God, my Higher Power
My Sobriety (damned I'd be a mess without it.)
Mamie, my schnauzer.
Memories of Dolly.
My sponsor.
My home.
Being able to be with Me.
That the deep depression does not take over for long periods of time now.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah.


dAAve said...

If she can larn to vaccuum the house, you could rent her out to the neighbors. She might need to wear a doo-rag on her head.

Zane-nawwaa said...

Her tail, it twists constantly. All two inches of it.