Thursday, May 8, 2008

Thursday Night, May 8 2008

You can't go wrong. It's not part of the plan. There's no way not to get where you are going. There's no way to miss your destination. If God is your target, you're in luck, because God is so big, you can't miss. May 8 Meditations from Conversations with God page 88
Today has been a better day as far as depression goes. It's there but not near as bad. So, I'm pleased that it's progress. I'm okay with that.
May the 8th. Today was Karl's 60th Birthday. Joe had a small gathering, Joe's sister Sheila and her Mr. - Art, Katherine a friend, and Ed & Eddie and myself. It was about 3 PM and Karl had a very small piece of cake and enjoyed the moment. He had a smile and shed a couple of tears. It was kept on the up side with no mention that this was probably his last birthday. Now if I come away from this experience with nothing else, my friend is showing me how to die an ugly death with dignity and peace. The dignity is taking one day as it is presented. Peace is that which comes from his Catholic faith, which he has reembraced. The fact that Father Carl is a personal friend of his and Joe's is an added blessing.
On a different note. Today is the 52nd anniversary of my Mother taking a gun out of my hand and shooting my stepfather 5 times. The sixth bullet was buried in the wall in a corner of the bedroom. It was a horrific night. When I tell my story I state that my step-father died of acute lead poisoning as a result of receiving 5 38 slugs that my Mother shot at him. Tonight I would really have liked to have driven out to Channelview to the old place just to see if his ghost roamed the spot where he fell dead. But, I decided what would I get out of it. Not a fucking thing. Now this man was very abusive to me, physically, mentally and sexually. When I decided to forgive him at 7 years of sobriety my friend Joe and I drove out to the San Jacinto Memorial.Cemetery in Cloverleaf. I found the grave and Joe said he would give me privacy, and started to walk awy. About 10 - 15 feet away, he turned and said to me "Now Zane, don't piss on the grave." That had not crossed my mind but when he said that my hand just went right to the zipper. NOT. I told my stepfather off and told him I realized that his actions were done mostly under the influence of alcohol, but that he was just a mean person. But in order for me to progress in my sobriety I had to forgive him, probably would not forget it, but forgave him. As we left the cemetary, I told Joe that the peace I felt was enormous. But deep down, I wish I had pissed on the grave and then forgiven him. Wicked.
Mamie and I have had a good week and one day together. She just continues to amaze me with the things she does. Today she has been especially loving and of course I revel in that. She loves to play Tug O War with her bear, the rabbit, or the soccer ball with two ears. She really gives this ole man a workout. Just wears me out. And she just is a little snuggler. I like that.
Tonight I am grateful for:
God, my Higher Power.
My sobriety.
Mamie, my schnauzer.
Memories of my Dolly.
My Sponsor.
Tomorrow is double dip day - two meetings.
Karl's 60th Birthday.
A special thank you from Joe's sister, Sheila today.
For my blogger friends.
Y'all be pretty now, ya heah


dAAve said...

Happy birthday Karl. That's great.
Glad he could eat his cake. Too.

Pam said...

Zane, how wonderful on a very deep level that you got to experience how good life can be in the "moment". Karl's celebration was truly in the exact moment of y'all being there...that gives me goosebumps.
Isn't it odd, that sometimes when we talk about a person that caused us such pain...that we finally decide that they were a "mean" person. It's like sometimes that's all there really is to say to try and "explain" them. When I tell my story about my ex-husband (one of them)..I finally just say..he was just plain ol' mean.
My Father used to say that some peoples meaness goes all the down to their bone marrow. I think this is true.
I'm so glad that Mamie is bringing you joy :)

Scott W said...

What a charming post. Thanks.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

That 60th Birthday party proves it's all a day at a time. That's all anyone has is TODAY!